AN: I'm sorry if my last Author's Note left anyone with the impression that I wouldn't be going on with this story. I have it written out through the conclusion in rough draft form (and I don't have to change a thing). I will be posting chapters when they are ready. To get back to the story, it's late Saturday night…
Chapter 34: The Time for Sleep is Now
"I would begin like this." He began kissing my wrist lightly, and worked his way up my arm. His lips burned as he pressed them against the soft flesh inside my elbow. He continued to trail hot kisses up to my shoulder and then the base of my neck. I felt faint and he hadn't even reached my lips. He held my hand in his and I could feel him massaging it with his thumb. He pulled his head back and looked into my eyes again.
"That is how I would start, but I think the rest should be a surprise," he said softly.
"You are the biggest tease ever," I managed to gasp. "Let me tell you, for future reference, that's going to work like a charm."
Edward smiled my favorite crooked smile and looked very pleased with himself. I could tell he was finished with his demonstration but he had only managed to make me want to feel his lips all over my body. I desperately needed a distraction since I knew I couldn't budge him if he had decided we would go no further.
"I'm thirsty. Can I have another glass of champagne?"
He cocked an eyebrow and looked at me intently. "Are you sure? I don't want to be responsible for getting you drunk."
"I'm not anywhere near drunk," I assured him. "That's a very small glass," I pointed at the slim flute on the coffee table, which I estimated couldn't hold over two ounces.
Amusement shone in his golden eyes. "That sounds like something you would say even if you were drunk, but I admit it does not seem to have affected you much," he said as he slid me off of his lap and gracefully rose from the sofa. He picked up the glass and walked over to the dining table where I noticed the bottle was resting in a small silver ice bucket. "One more taste shouldn't hurt you."
I was watching his back as he walked away and I stretched my arms over my head, feeling full of nervous energy. I then brought my arms down to rest on the sofa. My left hand slid down between the back of the couch and the cushion I was sitting on, and I felt something soft and furry. I glanced down and in the dim light saw the face of a mouse looking up at me. I snatched my hand back and sprang up off the sofa and sprinted for the door, wanting to put as much space between myself and the mouse as possible.
"Bella," Edward called urgently, "what are you doing?"
"Mouse," I shouted as I flung the door open and darted across the threshold. My momentum carried me across the darkened porch until I ran smack into the rustic wooden railing, dimly illuminated by the moonlight. I slammed into it and let out a "Oof," sound and then "Ow," as I felt a stab of pain in my stomach where it had made contact with the rough wood.
Edward was right behind me and he scooped me up in his arms and carried me back into the cabin so quickly it made my head spin. He slammed the door and leaned against it. "What possessed you to run out there like that?" he demanded, sounding mystified.
"There's a mouse in the sofa cushions," I explained, clutching a handful of his tee shirt and resting my spinning head against his shoulder. I pointed at the couch while glancing around to make sure it hadn't scampered down to the floor.
"Why did that make you run outside?"
"It startled me. I don't want a mouse crawling on me," I explained.
"A mouse will not hurt you," he said soothingly.
"Well I don't want to share the sofa with one," I muttered as I tried to hide my face in his shoulder.
"Perhaps you are drunk. There is no mouse in this room."
"There was one. I saw it and I felt it," I insisted.
"If there was a mouse here I would hear its heartbeat. I hear nothing."
"Maybe it's dead," I suggested, the idea that I may have touched a dead mouse sending a shiver up my spine.
He continued to hold me in his arms as he walked to the sofa. He leaned over and reached his right hand between the cushions and pulled out the mouse.
"See, I told you. Edward, don't get that thing near me," I squealed as he held it next to my knees.
"It's not alive Bella, it's stuffed."
"What?" I asked blankly as I looked at the small, lifelike creature.
"Margaret has an unusual sense of humor. She enjoys taxidermy; you saw the bat and the tarantula in the Necessary Room?"
"Yes," I replied, "our excursion to that particular location is unforgettable."
He smiled broadly and then said, "I'm not sure how this mouse got between the sofa cushions, but there is a stuffed squirrel in the entertainment cabinet, next to the CD player. Margaret's little joke."
"Oh, alright then, you can put me down now," I said, embarrassed that I had been fooled by a stuffed mouse.
"Are you sure? I don't mind holding you," he said with a smirk barely concealed on his face.
"I don't mind it either, but I think I got a splinter when I ran into the porch railing."
He groaned and set me down on the hearth in front of the fireplace; the warmth felt good on my bare feet. He held on to my arm and looked at my hand as he asked, "Where is the splinter?"
I looked down and saw some small, sharp pieces of wood lodged in the fabric of my pajama bottoms. I pointed, and Edward dropped to his knees to get a closer look, setting the mouse down on the coffee table. It looked right at home next to the silver tray my gourmet treats had been on.
"Don't move, be very still," Edward ordered as his eyes scanned the material.
"Do I have permission to roll my eyes, or would that be too much movement?"
He ignored my sarcasm and said, "We have to get those splinters out of the fabric before they become embedded in your skin."
"Or I could just take them off," I offered hopefully, tugging at my pant leg.
He didn't move his head, but his eyes rose to meet mine and I could tell my suggestion was not even going to merit comment.
"Stay here, I'll be right back," he commanded, rising and swiftly going to the bedroom closet.
I thought it would make splinter removal go faster if my pajama top wasn't in the way, so I took the hem of my top and twisted the edge into a knot on my left side side, effectively getting it out of the way and exposing part of my stomach in the bargain.
Edward returned with a first aid kit but he paused when he saw my new state of undress.
"I'm just trying to make it easier for you to see the splinter," I offered.
He sighed and then opened the first aid kit and rifled through it, extracting a pair of tweezers. "Put your hands inside the waistband and hold the fabric out, away from your body," he instructed and he knelt before me again.
I did as he suggested and he carefully began pulling the splinters out of the silky fabric and dropping them onto the silver tray my midnight snack had been on.
He ran his hand lightly over the fabric and seemed satisfied. "That's taken care of. Now let's see the real damage."
I began to roll the waistband of my pajama bottoms down and I watched as Edward's eyes followed my hand movements. When I had exposed about two inches worth of skin below my navel, the splinter became visible. I could feel it boring in to me, but I couldn't look at it, fearing I would be sick, so I watched Edward's face and I could see the tension in his jaw.
"It's a large splinter. I think we should call Margaret, she is a doctor you know," he said, getting to his feet in one fluid motion.
"Edward, it's midnight, I don't want to call Margaret now. Besides, you said she's a neuropsychiatrist. We don't need a brain specialist to remove a splinter; she's a little overqualified."
"No one is too good for you. She's a doctor and a chef, she's used to performing all sorts of delicate tasks, and she could easily remove this splinter," he insisted.
"No," I was adamant, stamping my bare foot on the hearth. "You can't call her now; I would die of embarrassment. You can take it out. You've been to medical school, it's just a splinter."
"I don't want to hurt you, and this requires a light touch," he hedged.
"You have a very light touch, Edward. Just give it a try," I pleaded.
He looked at me for a long time, clearly weighing his options. His right hand moved involuntarily to run through his hair a couple of times. It was such an unconscious gesture, and he looked so young and innocent when he did it, vulnerable, and human. It was as if he were so completely distracted by his thoughts he was unaware of the disarray in which he left his already unruly locks. My instinct was to throw myself into his arms and run my hands through all that thick, luxurious hair, too, but I stayed very still, knowing he wouldn't be happy if I gave into that instinct.
Finally he sighed and said, "Alright, step into my office," as he gestured toward the sofa.
"Oh, can I call you Dr. Edward?" I giggled.
"Since this is our first visit, Miss Swan, I think we should remain on a more formal basis. You can call me Dr. Masen," he intoned seriously as he switched on a lamp next to the couch.
"You'll have to excuse me, Dr. Masen, I was raised in a barn," I said, playing along as I sat down.
"Sadly the younger generation is somewhat lacking in the intricacies of proper etiquette, but I understand you have a wound that needs immediate attention. May I take a look at the area please?"
I started to roll my pajama bottoms down again and he said, "I think you need to lie down for this, Miss Swan. I am going to need you to hold very still while I remove this offensive splinter. Can you do that?"
"Whatever you say, doctor; I trust you," I said cheerfully as I lay down on the sofa and adjusted my pajamas to expose the splinter.
"That's good. Keep your hand there, holding the fabric. I'm going to have to use a needle to break the skin so I can get a grip on the splinter with the tweezers. It's going to hurt," he paused, his professional manner melting away as he looked into my eyes.
"I'm not worried; you can do it." I smiled at him reassuringly, not wanting to think about the needle at all.
"You have more faith in me than I have in myself; I hope it isn't misplaced."
"It isn't, Edward. You would tear your own arm off rather than hurt me."
Suddenly his face was looming over me and his lips on mine startled me at first, but I quickly realized this was one of Edward's slow, sensuous, unrestricted kisses, with that something extra that only he could provide. I threw myself into it with abandon, hoping he could feel how very much I loved him. I brought my hands up to his face, caressing his cheeks as his cool tongue delicately made a slow sweep across my lips. I gasped and he blew his breath into my mouth, flooding it with the sweetest scent. Then his tongue made contact with mine and began its amazing massage. I struggled to get closer to him but his strong hands were on my shoulders, holding me still. He lowered his chest to meet mine, though, and I was grateful for the satisfaction that contact brought.
As his lips continued their passionate assault on mine, and my head began to swim, it dawned on me that he was trying to kiss me senseless, something he had expressed a desire to do not that long ago. I opened my eyes and tried to shake my head "no," while pressing my hands against his chest as hard as I could. He immediately let go of me and gazed down at me with concern all over his beautiful countenance.
"Are you alright?" he asked as he searched my face.
"Yes, just barely," I gasped, "but why were you trying to make me faint?"
He looked guilty and said, "I thought it might make the splinter removal less painful for you if you were unconscious, but I must be losing my touch."
I started laughing. "Oh, you've still got your touch, and you can do that anytime, I would just appreciate a little warning. I don't need to be unconscious for you to remove that splinter."
"Am I going overboard with the protectiveness?"
"You? Never!"
He smiled, some of the tension in his face fading a bit. "Perhaps you should have that glass of champagne now."
"For medicinal purposes?" I piped up, grinning.
"It should make you a bit more relaxed," he said as he rose and went over to the table where he had left the glass when I ran out of the room earlier. He brought it back and I sat up and took a sip. The bubbles weren't so stinging this time, and I took a big gulp, downing the glass.
"Alright then." He took the glass out of my hand and set it on the coffee table next to the silver tray. "You can squeeze my hand if you want, Bella."
I nodded and took his left hand in mine. It was so firm and strong, I wouldn't exactly be squeezing, it would be more like holding on, but it was the thought that counted. I knew he hated doing anything that would hurt me, even if it were a pinprick.
"It's alright, it's just a splinter. Go ahead, I'll survive," I smiled encouragingly at him.
"You're always so brave," he said softly, just before he leaned over and kissed me lightly. A lock of hair fell over his forehead, making him look even more attractive.
"Dr. Masen, this is a vast improvement in your bedside manner," I teased when he moved away. I was starting to feel very warm and a little dizzy.
"I'll show you some bedside manner when I get this splinter out," he mumbled under his breath, turning his focus to my stomach.
I felt myself blushing and closed my eyes. That seemed to help a bit with the dizziness but I still felt unusually warm.
"Hold very still." His hand hovered over me for a moment and then I felt a sharp stab and I gasped and bit down on my bottom lip. That did hurt.
"I'm sorry, but hopefully that will be the worst of it. It isn't bleeding. I think I can get a good grip on it, and …" his voice trailed off as he concentrated on pulling the splinter out. "Got it."
I opened my eyes to see him turn and put the splinter and the tweezers down inside the first aid kit and bring out a tube of antibiotic cream. "Just a dab of this, and you will be as good as new," he said, squeezing some cream onto my stomach. He carefully massaged it in where he had removed the splinter. His cool fingertips on my abdomen were completely erasing any memory of the recent pain.
"That feels good, doctor. Do you think I could get you to become my personal physician?"
"I'm not really taking on any new patients right now; this was an emergency, so I made an exception." His fingers continued their gentle circular movement below my navel. It was all I could do to hold still.
"You don't know what you're missing; a doctor could get rich off of me. It's a rare month when I don't need a cast or x-rays. I think I'm overdue for a complete physical. Won't you reconsider?"
"You do make a tempting offer, Miss Swan. Perhaps I could schedule an appointment for you about six weeks from now?"
"Oh no, that would be too late. I think I need immediate attention."
"You've just had all the immediate attention you're going to get tonight, Miss Swan," he said as he removed his hand and started closing up the first aid kit.
I sighed but remained where I was. "What happened to that bedside manner you were going to show me?"
"I did show it to you, and you seemed to be enjoying it," he said as he dragged his fingertips across my stomach once again before standing to replace the kit in the closet.
"Yes, I did, but it ended too soon," I grumbled to his back as I readjusted my pajamas to their normal position.
Edward swiftly returned, sinking gracefully onto the sofa and pulling me into his lap. I nestled into his chest, and he tucked my head under his chin, wrapping his arms around me securely. At some point while I was receiving medical attention the CD of romantic music had ended. Now the only sounds came from the fireplace, and I glanced at it, appreciating the warmth it provided while I was trying to glue myself to Edward's cold, hard body. He began to run his hand over my long hair, from my crown to the ends and I relaxed even more.
"You did a good job, Edward. You need to have more confidence in your abilities," I said softly.
"The next time something frightens you, how about letting me know instead of rushing out into the night and injuring yourself?"
"Hey, my escape plan was working until someone threw that porch railing in front of me," I tried to claim with a straight face.
His teeth gleamed in the firelight. "You will never cease to surprise me, will you?"
"I hope not," I said, snuggling deeper into his chest and watching the flames leap and dance in the massive fireplace as his fingers continued to play with my hair. He began to gently massage my scalp just above the base of my neck and I felt the tension from the whole mouse episode start to drain away.
When next he spoke his voice was low and dreamy.
"I could do this for hours. You have no idea how soft and silky your hair is, do you?"
"Um… no, I don't think my hair is that special. You just don't have anything to compare it to."
He was silent for a moment and then he said matter of factly, "Tanya has hair."
If he hadn't been holding on to me so tightly I think I would have fallen off of his lap from shock. "What? I thought you said nothing happened with Tanya," I gasped, when I finally found my voice.
"That is correct, but I still know what her hair and skin feel like, and they cannot compare with yours."
I found that hard to believe, but what I was most curious about was exactly how he knew what her hair and skin felt like. Skin? I hadn't said anything about skin. I leaned away to look into his eyes. They were warm butterscotch, and he seemed cool and calm, not agitated at all, while I was getting more and more worked up by the second.
"If nothing ever happened, how do you know these things?" I asked quietly, struggling to keep from shouting.
He twisted a piece of my hair around his fingertip for a moment and the suspense was killing me. I wanted to scream, 'just tell me,' but I kept my lips pressed firmly together, waiting, while my pulse pounded furiously. Was he doing this on purpose to make me suffer?
"My family has spent a good deal of time in Denali, and Tanya is a seductress. That's what she does. She offered herself to me many times, and some of those times were more… physical than others. I think after a while, she merely saw me as a challenge, because she was not used to getting turned down. In any case, she made sure I knew what her hair and skin felt like, but that's as far as it went. I never voluntarily touched her, and I rebuffed her advances as soon as I could."
"You never kissed her?" I held my breath, waiting for his answer.
"No. I was always able to avoid that. You are the only one I've had the desire to kiss."
I sat silently for a minute, digesting this information. It was more than he had ever said about Tanya, and it didn't exactly thrill me to hear that a professional tramp had thrown herself at Edward, over and over. I could just picture her, rubbing herself up against him, tossing her hair, and the more I thought about it, the madder I got. Before I could say anything, Edward spoke again.
"You're jealous, aren't you?" He sounded astonished.
"Well what if I am?" I snapped. "It sounds like I have reason."
He smiled and said, "I think you are adorable, but it is silly to be jealous over something that never happened."
"You just said she offered herself to you and made sure you knew what her skin felt like." Just the thought of her touching him made me livid. I wanted to strangle her.
"But I rejected her, and all that happened before I… fell in love with you. You have nothing to be jealous about, although this display is making you even more desirable."
There was something odd about how he had paused before finishing his sentence, but that wasn't the thing that was bothering me. Just the thought of him being so close to a female like that was making my blood boil, no matter how much he tried to flatter me. I bit my lip and felt my palms itch with wanting to slap her.
"Bella, don't make me regret telling you the truth. Nothing whatsoever happened. Do you want me to be jealous of Jacob?"
I gasped. "No, never. I love you, I only want you."
"That's exactly how I feel about you." His voice was a soft murmur.
I suddenly felt ashamed of myself. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was her hair I wanted to tear out. I could also see how he had much more to be upset about regarding Jacob. That was not a path I wanted to go down with him, now or ever.
"It's just hard for me to think about you touching anyone else, especially someone as beautiful as Tanya," I hastened to explain.
"Bella, you are far more beautiful than her. I have to say I've never seen you look like this; it is very interesting. I hope I don't have to restrain you from rushing up to Denali tonight."
I smiled broadly. "Am I that obvious? I was thinking about how much fun it would be to strangle her," I admitted.
His laughter then was soft and dark, like silk. "While that image would be somewhat entertaining, I hope I never actually get to see it. She is a vampire, Bella, and your jealously is misplaced. I was just a conquest that got away to her; she never had any real feelings for me. I used to take very long runs just to avoid her. It's a good thing the scenery in Alaska is so fascinating," he concluded with a smirk playing around the corner of his mouth.
"Now what's so funny?" I demanded.
"You still seem a bit agitated. Now you have some idea of what I have been going through for months." He tilted his head to the side and just looked at me, his eyebrows raised slightly.
I gulped. If he had been feeling half of what I just felt it was a wonder Jacob was still alive. I felt so guilty for putting him through that, without really thinking about what he must have been feeling that whole time. I was sure hearing Jacob's thoughts didn't help, either.
"Don't look so guilty, I don't blame you, you're still an innocent," his velvet voice tried to soothe me.
He might not be able to read my mind but he was getting very good at reading my face. "I don't ever want anyone else to put their hands on you," I muttered. "You belong to me."
"I love hearing you say that, Bella. You are usually so… contained."
I lowered my head and looked at him through my eyelashes.
"My little temptress. You could give Tanya lessons."
"The only thing I'd like to give Tanya is good swift kick."
He smiled as he placed his hand over my heart and said, "You still have so much adrenaline pumping through your system, would you like to go for a run?"
"No, I'd like to kiss you."
"Do you believe that will calm you down?" he asked, incredulous.
"Probably not, but I don't care. If I don't feel your lips on me soon I'm going to explode," I said, a little too loudly, the blush staining my cheeks a dark red.
"I would not want to be responsible for an explosion in this lovely cabin," he said mischievously, his arm tightening around my waist. His long, slender fingers left a hot trail from my heart to my throat as they slid through my hair and came to rest on the back of my neck, as he firmly but gently guided my face closer to his.
His perfectly proportioned lips were turned up in a smile, and his eyes darkened as they gazed into mine, full of love and adoration. I sucked in a deep breath as I closed my eyes and felt his lips touch mine softly. He was being so tender and sweet, probably trying to calm me down, but it wasn't working. A little bit of Edward only made me want him more. I parted my lips and darted my tongue out to taste his lips, pressing my luck for all it was worth. He tasted like honey, and remarkably, he didn't pull away. Instead, he deepened the kiss and pressed me down against the sofa, my heartbeat accelerating at a rapid pace. We kissed like that for a few minutes, almost like a normal couple. It was unusual for us and I enjoyed it immensely.
Gradually he slowed his kisses until my heart returned to a regular, even beat. Then he laid his head on my chest, listening to the steady thumping sound.
Edward closed his eyes and I reached up with my fingertip and traced over them, then around the dark circles under his eyes. I ran my finger down his straight, perfect nose and then traced the outline of his exquisite lips. Then I rested my hand on his cool cheek.
Opening his eyes, he looked straight into my heart before he raised his head and gave me a very sweet kiss. When he pulled away he took both my hands in his and kissed my right palm and then my left.
"You have no idea what it does to me when you put your warm little hands on my face, do you?"
I felt a sharp pain in my heart; he had done it again, mentioning my body heat. I had to say something about this before it drove me insane.
"Edward, just how much are you going to miss my warmth? I mean, what if—"
"Stop right there, Bella. Yes, I love your warmth, but when we are finally able to be together without me worrying about your being so breakable I will be ecstatic, and I will have no trouble making you believe me."
My eyebrows flew up and I felt my eyes widen at that statement.
"We will be able to create our own warmth then, my angel, and I will have no regrets. I will always cherish the memory of you as you are now, the way you were when I fell so hopelessly and completely in love with you. I love everything about you, sweetheart. Just know that I will always love you even more, with every day that passes. Nothing can change the way I feel about you."
My heart felt like it was going to escape my ribcage. He was truly expressing a kind of hope or positive feelings about my becoming a vampire. He really did want me forever, and he was actually looking forward to it. I could hardly keep still now.
"Edward, do you know how happy it makes me to hear you say that? Thank you, I love you so much," I exclaimed as I threw myself into his waiting arms.
"I want to make you happy, Bella. Believe me, I am more concerned about your happiness than I am my own."
"Oh, I believe you, Edward," I said with a wide smile on my face. "Do you know that just makes me even more determined to make sure you're happy?"
He groaned. "What am I going to do with you?"
"Relax and let me make you happy?" I asked hopefully.
"Bella, I love how you treat me as if I were a normal man, but I'm not. I can never completely relax when I am with you. You make me happy and peaceful, but it would not be in your best interest if I were completely relaxed. That is when mistakes can happen."
He was right; it was so easy for me to treat him like any other human being. I loved him so much and just wanted to be with him so badly I shut my eyes to our differences.
"I know what you mean. I'm sorry," I sighed.
"Do not apologize. Now I've made you unhappy," he said, his voice full of self-loathing.
"No you haven't; I'm just impatient. This waiting is so hard," I said softly. I knew it was difficult for him, too, but my body was pulsing with a torrent of feelings I had to fight to control. Even if I wasn't blushing I felt this heat in every part of me. My hands were burning up, and I thought if I didn't touch him I might explode. I dropped my hands from his shoulders and moved them down to the hem of his tee shirt. In a swift movement I slid them under the fabric and laid my palms flat against the cool skin of his back. Instant relief.
He hissed and then in a low tone said, "Bella, what are you doing?"
I felt hot tears begin to well up in my eyes, but I bit my lip and tried to keep them from falling. I didn't want to cry anymore, especially not in front of him. It would only make things worse. I just wanted him so badly that it physically hurt.
"Don't cry," he whispered as he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were urgent on mine, forceful and completely distracting. I smiled, thinking he would do anything to keep me from crying. I ran my hands up his back, caressing his hard musculature, and tried to pull him closer to me, but I couldn't budge him. He broke the kiss and said, "Take it off."
I stared at him, uncomprehending.
"Take my shirt off," he said, pulling away from me slightly.
My eyes widened in surprise. I grabbed at the fabric and started tugging it over his head. He raised his arms and tossed the shirt on the floor. He looked down at me and smiled. "Is this better?"
"Yes, if you come back here," I replied, reaching my arms out for him.
Edward couldn't hide his smirk as he lay on his back and pulled me next to him. I lay on my side, my head resting on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around me. He was cool, but it felt good against my heated skin. My hand wandered over his chest, and I leaned in and kissed a spot here and there. He kissed the top of my head; he seemed to like this as much as I did.
"Do you want to undress me?" I asked hopefully.
"That's not going to happen until after the wedding, Bella, but you are right, we do need to be closer," he said, his words alternately disappointing me and then giving me hope.
At least I was lying in his arms, touching such a large expanse of his smooth, flawless skin, and he was agreeing that we needed this. I couldn't help but smile as I gazed at his beautiful face.
"Are you ready to go to bed? I have big plans for tomorrow and you need your rest," he said lightly.
"Yes, I'll go to bed, but I should warn you, I'm not sleepy yet." I kissed his chest again.
He growled softly before saying, "You'll be the death of me yet."
I couldn't stop smiling as he stood up and carried me into the bedroom. "I love you, Bella Swan, soon to be Bella Cullen." He sounded so happy saying that.
He gently placed me on the bed and then pulled the covers up over me. He got into bed next to me and I felt like I was exactly where I belonged. "I love you, Edward. Now and forever."
It had been a long day and I was so relaxed from being held safe in his arms on the sofa. Maybe it was my first taste of champagne, but I had never felt better. The way he had looked at me, and held me, I knew he wanted me as much as I wanted him. Even if he insisted on waiting until after the wedding, I knew he needed me as much as I needed him. As impossible as that seemed, it was true.
He put his arm around me and I snuggled against him, pushing the covers back so I could lie on his chest. Now that the dastardly tee shirt was gone I was going to take advantage of it. I didn't know if it was the snack or the alcohol, but I was reinvigorated and I wasn't sleepy yet. I giggled.
"What's so funny?"
"I was just thinking of the look on Charlie's face if he knew I had champagne."
"You may have had a bit too much champagne if you think that's the only thing he would be upset about if he could see you now." He sounded incredulous.
I looked around at us, in bed together, with Edward finally shirtless, in a log cabin in California and grinned madly. "No, I guess the champagne wouldn't be my biggest problem."
"If Charlie knew half of what you were up to he would lock you up and throw away the key."
"He wants to do that anyway. He's so afraid our getting married is a mistake."
"It is too bad you can't tell him vampires mate for life."
"So do swans," I answered automatically. Then what he said hit me full force. "Edward, what do you mean, vampires mate for life?"
"I thought you knew. I have tried to tell you everything about us is magnified, more intense. This is why I say I love you more; because once a vampire has found his true love, nothing can change that. Our emotions are more powerful than human emotions."
"So, it's kind of like imprinting?" I couldn't help it; I was just trying to understand.
"Yes, in a way, but more so," he answered quickly. "Believe me, divorce is not an option."
I tried to absorb this information, which was in no way unpleasant for me. Why was this the first time I was hearing about this? Had he thought I would be frightened? Most likely, but I was having the opposite reaction. I was thrilled. I thought I should let him know, he was probably worried.
"I wish you had told me about this before, Edward. I mean it when I say I want to be with you forever, and to know that means the same thing to you makes me very happy."
"Of course it means the same thing to me, but that's also why it doesn't matter to me if you are 18 or 28. I am always going to love you."
At first I wanted to object, and remind him of his promise to change me after the wedding but then I caught myself. This was another example of how he wasn't exactly eager to change me but then again, if he was always going to love me, maybe my age didn't matter so much.
Well, evidently it really didn't matter to him, but I just couldn't picture myself looking a lot older than him. He was so beautiful and young; I at least wanted to be one of those things when he changed me.
"You keep surprising me, Edward, and I usually don't like surprises, but this one was extremely pleasant." Then I had an unpleasant thought. "I don't understand something though. If you mate for life, how were you able to leave me after my birthday?"
"Why do you think we were both so miserable? I swear I thought of you every minute of every day I was gone."
"Yes, but you were still able to leave," I persisted.
"I had never been in love when I was human. I had never even been interested in anyone since I became a vampire. I was so determined to keep you human, and I knew that would not be possible if I stayed. Believe me, I left you because I loved you and I didn't see any other way for this to end well for you."
"You didn't know I would be so miserable," I accused.
"I thought you would get over me in time," he offered weakly. "You are human, and humans forget things."
"Human or not I could never forget you. You are etched in my memory for all time. I didn't lead a better life without you; I hardly led any life at all. You know Renee wanted to take me back to Florida and I refused to go, clinging to the tiniest hope that if you ever came back you would be able to find me at Charlie's."
I had to stop and take a deep breath. The ache I felt then was so real, I could feel it again.
"Bella, please stop," he pleaded with me, holding me close and burying his head in my neck. I slid my arms around his back and rubbed his broad shoulders.
I was silent for a moment, absorbing the pain that I could feel radiating from his whole body.
"I promise I will spend every day trying to make up for that, Bella. I know how much pain I was in and to think that I put you through that is almost more than I can stand. Believe me, I regret that mistake more than anything – and I've done a lot of bad things in the past," he said bitterly.
"We've both made mistakes, Edward. Neither one of us is perfect, but you've already proved that you would do anything for me," I said, stroking his cheek. Then I gently put my hand under his chin and pulled his face up so I could look into his liquid topaz eyes.
"I know that you love me Edward, and no matter what you or anyone else says or does, I won't ever doubt that again."
Then he kissed me, gently at first, and then with more intensity until I was dizzy. He moved his lips away from my mine reluctantly, and brought my palm up to his face, pressing his lips into it while I caught my breath.
When he kissed me like that it filled me with so much hope. I tried to think of a way to make him see that our future together could be much better than our past. "You always seem to only contemplate the worst that could happen, Edward. Do you ever try to imagine the best that could happen?" I asked plaintively.
He put his cool hand against my cheek and said, "Any day I spend with you is the best that could happen. Any day that you don't get hit by a car or jump off a cliff or get captured by a vampire, that's a good day," he declared.
"Okay, I deserved that, but I want a life with you like Carlisle and Esme have – I want to spend every minute of eternity with you. I want to be with you in every way. Don't you want that too?" I tightened my grip on his shoulders.
"Of course I do," he started.
"You give me so much more than you know," I interrupted. "A feeling of safety and comfort, and you make a fire burn inside me that seems unquenchable – at least it's been unquenched so far," I let just a note of complaint come into my voice.
He noticed it, and shook his head. "Bella, you are so fragile. You're like that tiny chipmunk in that huge forest today, scampering around under trees that are 200 feet tall. If at any moment a branch fell on you, you would be crushed. If I pressed you close to me with just a bit too much force you would be gone."
I sighed as I put my arm around his neck and drew his face close to me. "All the more reason to take the next step as soon as possible, I'm ready. Ready, willing and able," and as I pled my case, I pressed my lips against his, gently at first. I felt his hands come up to caress my face and our kiss deepened.
I wound my fingers through his hair and pressed my body closer to him. I could feel my blood pounding and the desire inside me was palpable. I knew he felt it too, as his right hand dropped to my shoulder.
He finally drew his face away and then put both his arms around me in a tender embrace. He dropped his head and lightly kissed the nape of my neck. "Bella, you are the biggest temptation I've ever encountered."
"Yes, but you seem to be able to resist temptation," I moaned, my heart thumping loudly in my chest.
"You don't make it easy. You're working my last nerve. It takes every ounce of strength I can summon. I want to take you in my arms and never let you go."
"I want that, too, Edward. You know there isn't anything that you could do that I would object to. I want to feel your hands all over me and I want to kiss every part of you, and I'm not ashamed to say it," I said as my face flushed scarlet.
"You are still the most adorable liar, and the bravest, but it's still so hard for me to come to terms with what you are giving up in order to be with me."
So that was the real problem; my giving up my humanity to become a vampire. A few minutes ago he had admitted he would be happy once it happened, but now he was feeling guilty again. If only I could convince him once and for all. "Edward, it's my life. If I want to spend it with you, that's my choice. You've got to let me live my life the way I want to."
"Even if it means an end to your life?" he challenged.
"Every exit is just a new entry to someplace else, so Tom Stoppard says. Maybe that's why he's my favorite playwright. If someone as wise as he is can see it that way, why can't you?" I pleaded.
"He may be wise, but he hasn't lived for a hundred years without sleeping or dreaming – he isn't constantly on the move, keeping secrets, telling lies, living carefully undercover so as not to be found out… it's not the kind of life I'd wish for you," he bitterly whispered.
"Edward, you waited so long to find me, do you think I happened along by accident? There must be some bigger hand in all this; fate, God, whatever you want to call it. We were meant for each other." I snuggled closer to his chest. "Maybe when I'm finally by your side forever you will see things differently," I added hopefully.
"Or maybe you will see things differently – and you won't like what you see," he said with a trace of fear in his voice.
"Well, there's only one way to find out, and I'm willing to take the risk. I hold you so deep in my heart I will never let you go," I said, holding his face in my hands. "I can't ever imagine not wanting to be with you. It's so painful when we're not together. I've been through that and I know that nothing could be worse."
I looked into his golden eyes. "Look at it this way: even the worst day with you is better than a single minute away from you."
"Oh Bella, you make me feel like I have a heart again because when you say something like that I would swear my heart is breaking. I don't ever want to cause you pain," he said as hung his head and looked miserable.
I remembered my conversation with Alice just before we worked on my CD gift for Edward. She had urged me to be honest with him and share my fears about him not wanting me to become a vampire. I took a deep, calming breath before I continued.
"Edward, you are the cause of my joy. The only thing that could make me unhappy would be if you didn't change me." I put my hand under his chin and drew him close, whispering, "As long as we're together I will be fine. More than fine, I'll be ecstatic."
"Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?" he asked sardonically.
"I don't need convincing, I know my heart," I said simply. "I have faith in our bond, Edward. We are already joined together. We have been through the darkness and we've been through the fire, and our love has survived. We've overcome separation, loneliness, disapproval, attacks of all kinds and it doesn't matter; nothing can stop our love."
His gaze was so tender and full of adoration I felt like my heart would burst. He kissed me then like he really meant it, and I knew he was giving in to me, giving in to his feelings. I pressed my warm lips against his hard ones and they melted together. My pulse raced and I started to tingle from head to toe. After a long moment he released me and tucked my head under his chin, his arms wrapped around me tightly. We lay still like that for a long time, until my heart resumed a normal rhythm.
I felt so close to him. I felt like we had reached another understanding. He was always going to want to protect me and I was always going to want to take his pain away. We both knew we had to face the future together, and I felt his love. It was impossible to deny. I didn't need to be insecure. He wanted me in every way, forever.
Then he whispered, "Still awake?"
"Yes, please don't move. I love this," I breathed in his scent. He held me and hummed my lullaby until I fell asleep.
The gray sky hung over the water like a mirror, smooth and solid. I was walking down the beach, hand in hand with a man by my side. A harsh clattering sound broke the stillness and I quickly turned my head and looked toward the place where the noise came from. I looked down and saw blood splattered all over the sand. The rusty smell swirled in my nostrils. I started to feel dizzy and nauseous. Someone pulled me away from the bloody mess.
I shut my eyes tight. I heard seagulls shrieking. When I opened my eyes I was alone on the beach; no one was holding my hand anymore. Edward was running away from me. All I could see was his long, lean legs as he ran into the distance. I was numb. I couldn't even scream or call his name. I was frozen in the sand, the waves lapping around my feet. I kept staring at his retreating figure until it disappeared. I had become a zombie again.
I awoke in the darkness, at first unsure of where I was. I realized I had been dreaming and I kept my eyes closed and lay very still. I tried to reconstruct the dream and figure out what it meant. At least I didn't wake up screaming. Everything in this dream had happened so fast. The images came at me in flashes.
Had I been walking with Edward? Someone held my hand, but was it him? I couldn't tell. Had he already begun running down the beach before I saw the blood? Had he been responsible for the blood? Was it my blood? Was I going to be attacked by a bobcat on the beach? I couldn't recall any growling in this dream. I didn't have any answers and the more I thought about it, the more confused I became.
What if I had been walking down the beach with Jake and the blood was his? If Edward attacked Jake he probably wouldn't want to stick around to see my reaction. That would explain why I had been holding someone's hand and then they were gone.
I was afraid to discuss this dream with Edward. He had been freaked out yesterday by my dream about the eyes and the growling, thinking I was afraid of him. If I told him about this one, I wasn't sure what kind of interpretation he would come up with, but I was fairly certain it wouldn't be good.
The two images that stood out were the blood on the sand and his retreating figure, running away from me. He would think it meant that I was afraid he was going to attack me and then leave me without changing me, which would basically be a death sentence. Or start to change me and then abandon me.
But that wasn't what it meant. That wasn't possible. I couldn't think that was ever going to happen. I didn't think that. Maybe it was all very symbolic. When did I suddenly become the big interpreter of dream symbolism? Never. I was still clueless... and frightened.
While I didn't want Edward to find out about this dream, I did want him to hold me and make me feel better. Then I remembered we were in our exquisite cabin, and I reached my arm out to touch Edward but my hand felt nothing but empty bed. I opened my eyes and as they adjusted to the dim moonlight pouring through high windows. I saw that I was alone, I couldn't feel his presence, and felt the desperate ache of loss begin.
AN: If you have this story on Alert, could you please just leave a word or two and let me know what you think about this chapter or your thoughts on BD? I didn't reply to reviews this week, between reading BD and working on this chapter, I've been very busy. I do want you all to know I read and consider each and every review and I truly appreciate all the support you offered last time.
My Betas are the best. Ranma15177 and not done baking both have great stories going right now, too. Check them out, you'll be glad you did. I think the funniest line in this chapter was provided by Ranma; the line is; "Hey, my escape plan was working until someone threw that porch railing in front of me." She just threw that in as an offhand comment and I put it right in the scene. She's got a wicked sense of humor and I'm so lucky she has time to read BMOM for me.
I uploaded some new pictures to the Photo Album; link is on my Profile page.