Chapter 9
Dirty
Ever increasing large amount of shit I am ending up in for no bloody reason.
…………………I have no idea what happened.
I remember I was talking to some jerk off then ……………..now I am here.
Looking around me I see nothing but not quite white walls and floor and ceiling. Been in places like this before…the good old rubber room and the good old straight-jacket.
….I'm in a corner and I am sitting wondering what fuck I did. I can't remember a damned thing. I need my stash…I need a smoke to get my brain working properly….I need to snort some powder but they wouldn't understand that…They don't realise I have needs.
I'm washed. Or at least I don't seem to stink of vomit….maybe just a change of clothes did that. I seem to be in orange now. Some kind of heavy duty cotton….probably all in one crap suit…and I wonder how many people saw my arse this time. They seem to get pleasure out of stripping me off when I am out of it.
I can feel the sluggish pumping of drugs going through my system…and I can feel places where they stuck something in me….And I get sudden flashbacks of darts….they shot me with fucking tranquillising darts……I'm not a damned animal. Bastards.
The thing is around my head again….and I am about to wriggle away from the wall and see if I can get out of the jacket, but I'm attached to the wall. So I lean my head back and close my eyes and wonder where Spencer is…and Ardal….and then I wonder why thinking of them isn't making my heart pound and my blood rush in my ears…and why it doesn't make me horny…No more than thinking about where the hell my clothes are.
……………It's the drug……I know that….I need to get it out of me…….adjust my body and absorb them but it doesn't seem to be working too well…………I can still feel them there…….and I wonder how the hell this happened.
I don't hear anyone come in the room….but they are suddenly there…lined against the wall next to the door…and they seem rather heavily armed and again I wonder what the hell I did….My face itches but I just look over at them and blink.
The guy who steps forward is in protective gear and it causes me to raise an eye brow and just look at him.
"Mr Franks." His voice is hard. He's not amused. "I need to tell you something and I need you to listen." He crouches down so he is on more of an eye level with me. "Can you recall what happened?"
I'm decided I don't want to talk to his shit. I'll just sit and look at him.
"When you were in the room and the lawyer was talking to you. Can you tell me what you remember?"
I sniff up a small trickle of blood trying to escape from my nose but don't answer him.
"By refusing to talk Mr Franks does not, I'm afraid show me that you are not understanding…you are just showing me that you know when to keep your mouth shut."
So I lick my lips and see him jump slightly at my reaction. "How can I understand something when I don't know what you're talking about?" I hiss out at him. "I remember talking to some guy and I remember I had chains and crap. Then I am here. If there is more then you're gonna have t'tell me cos I don't have a fucking clue what the hell is going on anymore." And I think my voice is rising in anger and I can see weapons being raised and pointed at me…."Are those the fucking elephant tranquillisers you used on me earlier? Shit – no wonder I can't remember fuck all…you hit me with that crap and expect me to know what's going on?"
"Mr Franks the security is necessary. You killed a number of armed personnel. We would like to know how you got out of the chains and face harness."
"I'm sure you'd like to know that…but you fucked with me one time too many so I think I'll keep that nugget of information to myself….unless…We can maybe come to some kind of deal here."
"Our treatment of you Mr Franks is completely reactionary. When you are behaving and coherent as you are now…then there is no problem. You do need to try to keep this control. Tell me about the deal you are thinking about Mr Franks…though I cannot promise you I will agree with it."
He is relaxing a bit…. But the blokes with the elephant guns are still with it and they don't look like a very happy lot of bunnies.
"When I was picked up." I say to this bloke… "I was on my way to help a friend in distress. I need to know if he is alright." Ah yes…I am worried about Spence…so shoot me….no actually don't…but yeah…I'm worried. There is this rule you see….only I am allowed to hurt him…and he went off this morning…or whenever the hell it was hurt…and now he is hurting even more…and I need to fix that. I need to do a bit of apologetic lip grinding with him…then kill Derek Morgan.
I blink.
"So who is it you are worried about?"
A sigh…here it comes….oh god…here it comes….I know this is good for me…the sounding of my heart and the sweat suddenly popping out on my brow, but this bloke has noticed and is standing up again…
"Agent Reid." I mutter….Shit…they won't believe me.
The bloke looks at me though and frowns at me. "Agent? What sort of agent?"
"Fed."
"And what is your interest in a Federal Agent?"
And he is frowning at me. "I fuck him." And now I frown cos that's not what I wanted to say.
-o-o-o-
He has left me laying in the dirt on the floor of this room and I can hear him clearly. I can hear what he is saying to Reid and for a short while I don't understand what he is meaning. I can't hear Reid's replies…I have to imagine what his responses to these accusations are. He seems to be implying that Reid has infected him with something…and in turn he has infected Emily and myself.
My eye is swollen shut now and it feels like I have some loose teeth. I run my tongue carefully around my mouth and lay still watching this man rant at Spencer.
……….he is attempting to break him…and I am afraid he is closer to it than even Hankel got.
Slowly and carefully I move slightly to see if he notices…and as he doesn't I move a bit more. I can see the bat laying on the floor not far away. I need to crawl slowly and get it…hide it under me…and lay still…I have a plan….
Again I can hear him shouting at Reid….he is calling him a dirty pervert….a murderer….He is telling him how he could have him locked away for what he did.
Unprotected sex?
…………………………..Spencer had sex with this man?
I crawl a bit further and lay still. I am trying to get my thoughts straight in my head…and all I can see is Reid's wet back….the way his towel slipped…the way he would stand facing his locker and take deep breaths….was he waiting for me to do something? All that time I watched and he let me…he wanted more? I don't want my thoughts to go in that direction…not now.
He is talking about someone else to Reid now….someone they both seem to know. I wish I could hear what Spencer was saying…is he denying it? Is he admitting it? Does he really know this person? I can't make a judgement without knowing both sides…
One more painful crawl and the bat handle is under my fingers…
……quickly I drag it and hide it under myself. I lay deadly still for a while…and he is still ranting at Reid….
"Do it! You know you want to…finish it now."
………………………….A continual barrage at him….I have to stop it…I have to get close enough
"You're as good as dead anyway…There's no cure for the dirt running through your veins."
A bit closer….and I think my side is bleeding again…I lay still and carefully put my fingers over the weeping hole…It's not too bad. This won't kill me…but those words might kill Reid. Again I move…I am about fifteen foot away from him.
……………………….The lights are flickering and I think this is what is giving me the advantage here. The shadows are jumping anyway…small movement will maybe not be seen….but then maybe it will. I don't take the risk…and I move forwards again…
-o-o-o-
I'm sitting again…with my legs pulled up close and my arm resting on my knees. I am pointing the gun a bit over in his direction but I am shaking too much to keep it locked on him. The sweat is pouring down my face and I keep having to blink away the wet from my eyes.
He is shouting down at me. Telling me how it is…and he doesn't need to….I know how it is…I know what I am…
………..now that he has said it like this……..when I am with Floyd it feels different…………..exciting……………a weird sort of adventure…………...like something kids would do………..but with an adult theme………it makes sense.
But now……..with that face looking down at me…..with the gun in my hand and the other pointing at me…..now….it doesn't make any kind of sense at all.
………….."Derek Morgan!" I hear the name bellowed down at me. I am only taking in half of what he is saying now….and it makes me look up at him…..My vision is more blurred now and his face is just a fuzzy smudge. I want to swallow but my throat is too sore and swollen….and so I look at the fuzzy image and blink again and lick my lips and hold the gun tighter in my lap…….."Talk to me Dr Reid….Tell me what you want to do to Derek Morgan. Tell me if you've spread your disease to him too. I really want to know….I want to hear your thoughts on it Dr Reid."
So I look away and try to think of things other than the locker room and the hot breath on my neck and the way he worked me with his fingers and was really all things considered 'gentle' with me….more so than Floyd has ever been. I'm sure he can read my thoughts …I don't know if I should try to get rid of these images in my head….the smells….the smell of Morgan and the smell of me…..and tears join the sweat on my face. What have I done? How many people have I infected? And I would have Ardal too….have I infected him? And Hotch….if he had….if I had felt his hot breath on my back and his tongue on the back of my neck…? What then? I would have as good as killed him too? And Floyd? Why won't he let me get tested? Why? When we have talked it over there have been logical reasons why there is no point and now….now there is nothing.
I move my head around a bit…my neck hurts and I think my glands are up…I can't see it….but I know that my foot is infected where the hole was made by the glass….and it feels so long ago that it all happened…
He is shouting at me again…but I've started coughing…and it hurts so damned much I want to scream…I can taste fresh blood in my mouth….and as I cough I feel more bubbling up through my chest and out onto my arm…
I can't move my hand to get the blood out of my mouth so I just spit it out…and it foams and trickles down my chin and I look at it soaking through my shirt bright red and dangerous….a killer…how can that been so lethal?
………….I'm not stupid…………Really I'm not…..I've acted like a fool…..I've run around with my Floyd shaped shield for as long as I can remember…and my common sense has often been in question – but never my book smarts. That is after all what it is…I just remember so why don't I remember him?
Because he is most likely right…..I didn't see his face……because I am dirty scum…
Because I am a freak.
Because even Floyd has thrown me aside….and Morgan committed the crime of taking what I have been flaunting…even though I didn't think I was…I must have been…..
My name is being shouted at me….but I don't want to listen anymore….I can't listen…I hold he gun in my hands and remember what it was like feeling it in my mouth….my final blow job….Floyd would find that amusing.
"Are you listening to me?"
No I wasn't…I was lifting the gun off my lap and looking at it…but I look up at him now and try to hear what he is saying but the blood is rushing through my ears now and I cant hear him….and so I look back down and check the round is in the right place and I lift it and show it to him……
"OK……..just shut up." I mutter at him… "Just give me a few seconds."
But he doesn't.
He keeps it up….
He doesn't let me forget what filth I am…and what I have done…
………………..so I turn it and look at what he wants me to do and I tip my head back and place it under my chin. I hold it tightly trying not to shake….but he is shouting at me again….and so I look at his face and he is shouting…..
"I want you to suck it …..in your mouth your freak….like you take that pervert in yours."
………………….The metal is warm against my lips….it was cold before… but I've been sitting here hugging it like a baby and now it feels warm….I look up at him….but I don't want him to be the last thing I see…I want it to be Floyd….but he's not here……he is with Ardal…..in my bed…..screwing in my bed…..and
………………..I see his start to move…….he jerks forwards slightly……and I watch him for a second….and then close my eyes…………………..
and his gun…….his gun fires…….and I hear a yelp of pain….and someone screams….and my hand cramps……
and I cant move it…….and I feel something ripping into my leg…and then brushing the side of my face and my hand twitches……..and my fingers spasm….and I pull the trigger.