Chapter 12

Paper Plates and Finger Food

They say time heals….what rubbish.

I'm alone at last.

They stayed….and even slept on the couch….I don't know what they thought I was going to do.

My leg hurts. My face is healed. It hurts when I breathe too deeply…a small stabbing reminder…but it will pass.

Eventually.

And finally the last person goes through my door and I can close it and lock it and throw the bolt and switch on the alarm and feel……….

I am meant to feel safe…but I feel horribly exposed.

My shield has gone…and I don't know where….and I don't know how to find out. For quite a long time I just stand with my back against the door and look at my empty apartment.

Everyone has gone…..but maybe I don't want to be alone. Maybe I need them back again….or maybe it is Floyd I need back.

…………I consider calling Ardal. Asking him if he knows…..knows where Floyd is…but my fear that he is with. him is far too great. I couldn't deal with that thought right now.

Hotch….I know he wants to talk to me about something….I can feel the tension whenever he is with me alone…but he never actually asks…or says….I see Emily giving me odd looks too…Something they know…they both know….and I need to know too….but would it be too painful?

Finally I am walking to the kitchen…sugar…in my coffee and then I walk to the bedroom…..

It's mid day so I pull back the drapes and let some light into the room. The bed is made up still. I have been shutting myself in here every night alone and sleeping on the floor. I can't even touch the bed….It hurts…those constant flashes of memory and smells…

And sounds.

I close the door to the room and walk to the wardrobe. Without even looking I grab at Floyd's clothing and hurl it on to the bed. I would swear….I would scream….and I feel like taking a big knife to them all and acting like the faggot melodramatic queen I want to be right now….but I stop myself. I don't know what I will do with his things….but the chances I will be getting rid of any of it are very slim. The things in the drawers are thrown to join his odd collection of waistcoats and shirts….and I am crying and I need to stop now….I don't want to cry about this. He's not worth it. Ardal is not worth it. I will find someone else.

Isn't this what it is all about….I found someone else…and that someone was gentle.

Running my fingers through my hair I walk to the drawer next to the bed and pull it open.

His things still sit there and alarm bells are trying to ring in my head but I wont let them…they are trying to confuse me.

…………………………so why am I laying back on a pile of my ex lover's clothes smoking one of his disgusting smokes and snivelling like a child……..why do I smoke it all and feel sick and in pain……and why am I curling up onto my side and holding the clothing to me and taking in that Floydian scent and making them damp with my tears. Why am I doing this if I don't care?

I reach over and put my hand into the drawer and pull out a few things and roll onto my back again holding them up in front of me and again I don't know if I should be smiling at the memory or shouting at the loss.

-o-o-o-

Can't hear properly.

It's always like I am underwater…..

I can't see properly…they've put glasses on me and it hasn't made a lot of difference. It still looks like there is a fuzzy fog everywhere and they tell me that this is the best they can do.

I have a room….

Of my own…..and once a day they let me out and take me to the shower block.

They don't let me mix unattended.

"You're not ready yet Frankie."

I don't like them calling me that….but it's that or a list of numbers I can never remember…so I let them call me Frankie for now….

…………..Sometimes my head spins so fast that I fall down and the people on escort duty sometimes catch me and sometimes let me go down…and sometimes they help me go down harder with a kick.

You know what?

I don't know what this place is….and I know I haven't always been here….but I don't know what was here in my head before.

………….because I know they hacked bits of my brain out. They told me that….that told me they would do it again if I didn't behave…..so I am trying to think…..always trying to think what was there before I was this nothing I am now.

Sometimes there is a flash of an image…..or a sudden smell…..and I will hear a voice I know…and I think….for a little while that it might be coming back to me….but it's gone almost as quickly as it was there.

"Anyone at home today?" Someone is saying to me….and I turn slowly to look at this person. A guard of some kind. "Strip off…Shower…hurry up."

So I nod at him and un-do the buttons on the front of my jumpsuit and let it slide off my arms and then I step out of it. The guard gives me a small slither of soap and pushes me under the water.

"Don't forget to do your hair." He says to me. And I wonder if I sometimes forget.

I soap myself carefully. I run my hands over myself and across my chest and I get a good amount of lather and I soap my hair too.

Sometimes……..I think…sometimes I get a funny tickle in my brain when I am doing this….it's like something is screaming at me from a long way off…something saying "Hey Frankie you forgot something again." But I can't remember what it was I forgot.

I don't get the option of drying myself….I get dressed wet and they are standing watching me ….watching everything I do….

"What?" I say to them….but they don't answer….

"Get a move on." Is all they say and so I walk back to my room…

And again…sometimes….there are other people around in the same colour kit as me…and they shout things at me….but I ignore them…I don't forget their faces….but I ignore the words…and I think maybe they shouldn't be there.

…………………I get food I pick with my fingers off a paper plate and drink from a paper cup and they stand and watch me and then they take the rubbish and close my door and that is it. That is all I get to see until the next day when the do the same again.

Someone has been in my room….they have cleaned the toilet and washed the floor and changed the paper sheet on the bed….and here I am……………………….

And my brain is tickling me……I run my fingers over my hair….its short….they keep shaving it…..but I can feel the marks where they sliced into my head and I want to tear it open and stop my brain from itching like this.

I don't sleep…I never seem to sleep….but when the lights go off I lay on the floor and close my eyes and try to block out the sounds of other people shouting in the darkness…….

……………….so here I am …..and my eyes are shut…….and I think………I see someone………..and it makes my heart skip a beat and it makes my brow sweaty….and it makes me slide my hands down the front of my body and press my hands against myself and sigh. I know this person and I don't know why.

I feel something trickling out of my nose and licking at it I realise it is blood…..and my head starts to thump and my heart is pounding and I squeeze my eyes shut real hard and I want to scream….I want to get up and …………………

I remember a name.

Spencer.

I remembered something….and so I tip my head back and let the blood run back down the back of my throat…..Agent Reid….Dr Reid…..Spencer…..my fuck partner

So when they unlock the door in the morning to check on me….I am standing at the door waiting….and I have blood all over me from my nose bleed….I see the look of alarm on their faces…..and I see them step back and pull out guns….

"I had a fucking nose bleed." I tell them.

And they ignore me.

"I need you to contact someone….you said I could."

And they nod

"I need to contact Agent Reid. He's a fed."

And they nod and prod me back into my room and slam the door shut on me.

I move back to the door and wait….I can be persistent when I need to be and my head hurt like hell and my nose wont stop bleeding…and……

……………you know what?...they removed my fingernails but they seem to be growing back and my skin is crawling all over like I am covered in bugs….and I stand and wait… need to know what happened to Spencer…..What happened…I know……I know something happened.

……………………………the door opens….

"Move back…." And they are pointing weapons at me….and looking at the blood. "What have you done to your face?"

"Nose bleed…and I my head ……my head hurts…….Did you find out…..did you ask about Agent Reid?"

and I get back

"Not yet."

And I give them a look which causes them to throw the food into the room and back off quickly….

"Fuckers!" I shout at them…and I wipe the blood off my face and kick the food around my room….my cell…..a fucking prison cell…….

So I move back to the door and wait for them and as the door opens…. "Agent Reid? I need to see him."

"Shut up and move back."

Is my reply and a whole day must have gone by because they put a cup of water on the floor and slide a plate of food in.

"I don't want the fucking food! I want to know where Spencer is!"

but the door is slammed in my face as I move forward…and this food is kicked across the room too – then I stand at the door….

"Dr Reid." I am saying as it opens. "I need to see him."

And I get a reply of…

"Move back."

So I say….. "I need to see Agent Reid."

And he says…. "Sorry….you can't."

But I don't know why he is sorry…. "Why the fuck not?" And I am not moving back.

"Because he is dead."

And the lights are turned out and I am standing in the dark.

All night…..All night there are cries of "Shut up!"

And all night I can hear someone howling in pain.