Chapter 13
Reject
A/N: Small SLASH alert.
I could lay here and mope and smoke his stinking smokes and cry until I go blue in the face but it isn't going to give me back what I need…and what I need now is some comfort from all of this. Something to let me know I still exist.
By early evening I have had a shower and my hair is damp…but that's ok.
In jeans and a short sleeved white shirt I decide to go out. I take with me just enough money to pay for what I need and leave my empty apartment and call a cab.
As I reach my destination I wonder if I should – if I can – change my mind…but for me this is how it started…so this is what I need to do.
Now I am standing on the sidewalk in front of Derek's place in the rain and thinking it's not too late to walk away….but I don't really want to do that and so I push wet hair off my face and walk up the short path to Morgan's front door.
My finger is pressing his door buzzer before I can change my mind and just walk away but I have to do this. I need to….I want to…
I can see a shadow the other side of the glass on the door and I can imagine he is looking through the security spy hole to see who is there. I hear the locks going back and the door is opening.
"Reid."
Is all he says…and I cross my arms tightly across my chest and I blink at him through my glasses.. "May I come in?" I ask, and he steps out of the way and lets me into his small house out of the rain.
He closes the door…and I stand in his small hallway waiting….and looking….he is in tight white cotton boxers and a white vest. I can see every muscle in his body…and I mean every muscle…and I swallow and watch him.
"I wasn't expecting guests." He says seeing I am looking at his apparel.
I just nod back at him and wonder how I am going to ask this of someone I had always admired so much and then hated so much.
"I've been thinking." And he is walking away from me and so I follow him to his kitchen.
"Well tell me something I wouldn't guess."
He didn't sound happy.
"Am I disturbing you?" I ask him.
He reaches the kitchen counter and takes two mugs down off the mug tree on the work surface.
"I don't want coffee." And I seem to be standing directly behind him. I move a hand out and place it on his upper arm. "Derek." I am nervous about this….but I am doing the right thing… know….I think I know….
He turns and I can feel him against me…and I close my eyes and place a hand on his chest.
"What in gods name are you doing?" And he pushes me back out of the way. So I take a couple of steps back and just look at him. I swallow and lick my lips and take a step back in again…this time moving fast so I can put one hand on his deeply muscled shoulder and the other on the side of his face. I kiss him…I run my tongue over his lips but that is as far as I get before he is pushing me away again.
"Reid….have you been drinking?"
"No." I take that as he is happy as long as I'm not drunk…and move in again…One hand this time on his hip…and the other on his shoulder holding him to me…and I start to kiss the side of his neck and dig my fingers into his dark skin…..and I remember the locker room and suddenly I need him so much that I don't think I am going to have time to let him be gentle with me again….
The push back….the shove with his hands and the slap across the face…that is my reply. That is what I get back.
"Now you are disturbing me. I think you need to leave."
But I don't want to…I can afford to be rejected again…I wont let it happen….so this time I grab his hand and press it against me and this results in a sharp punch to my mouth. I flail back and hit the wall behind me. I don't understand…after what he did….
……….I put my hand to my mouth and side down the wall until I am sitting and I just stare at him……….
"Did you drive here?" he is asking me.
And I shake my head.
"I'll call you a cab…go home Spencer – just go home."
"I thought……………."
"Well you thought wrong buddy….that was a one off….just to see if you liked it….and obviously you did. I thought about it….believe me, I thought about it….Now you need to get out."
I can taste blood where he split my lip and he is shaking his right hand and picking up the phone with his left. I just sit and watch him…because I thought I knew what as going on…and suddenly I am thrown back again and I feel totally confused and lost.
"Cab will be here in five….Wait outside." But I just sit on his kitchen floor and look at him walking over to me. I feel his hand taking hold of mine. "I mean it Reid. You are not well….go home." And he is pulling me to my feet.
"Morgan………"
I want to say something but he cuts me off and drags me towards his front door. "Just stay quiet Reid….don't say anything you might be regretting."
And suddenly I am standing alone outside in the rain again….and I'm not completely sure what happened. Apart from being turned down by the man who in my eyes started this whole mess in the first place. When the cab pulls up I slide into the back…with my white shirt soaked and my shoes squelching and my glasses steaming up….so I take my glasses off and put them in my breast pocket and give the cab driver an address….but it's not my apartment.
-o-o-o-
They took my specs away….and I haven't been for a shower in a couple of days….I just get food passed through a small door in the bottom of my door….and I know something happened…but I don't remember what it was now.
I sit on the floor and try to remember what it was…but it's gone again….I know it was there…I know it was….I can feel that for a short while there was something in my head….and suddenly as quickly as it was there it's gone again.
On day three they open the door for me and I blink at the sudden bright light.
"Stand up." I am ordered….and I rub at my eyes and get up….maybe I will get a shower today…I am beginning to smell….but somehow…for some reason…I don't mind the smell too much…I wipe a crust of blood off my nose and stand up and watch them carefully.
They put cuffs on my wrists and feet and a chain to join them and tell me to walk….and I do…but it's not easy…the chain between my feet is a bit to short….and I am slightly bent over because the chain between my feet and ankles is a bit too short too…They have weapons trained on me and I am pushed forward.
I don't think they are taking me for a shower.
It's very quiet out here today…It seems that there has been a lock down for some reason…everyone except me is locked in their cages. I have to walk down a metal staircase and along a passage way and they are watching me carefully and I am confused. It seems like I have done something but I cant remember what it is.
They prod me through a doorway into a big white room with a bed in the middle.
"Get up on there and lay down." So I walk over to it, but I don't know how I am going to get up there with all this shit on me….so I turn to them….
"I can't."
…………………do you think that was threatening?
……..did that make it look like I was about to attack someone? Well they obviously thought so.
The power from the taser shoots through me and knocks me to the floor….
"Get the hell up on the bed scum."
But I don't think my legs are going to let me stand up.
"I can't…you stupid motherfuckers!"
And I close my eyes….and when they are open again I am laying on the bed and my arms are strapped at my sides and my legs are held down….and there is something around my head stopping me from moving it.
"Do you remember what was said if you didn't behave?"
and I let my eyes look at the voice… "I remember shit….remind me."
"That if you didn't behave I would schedule more surgery for you."
"I don't remember."
"Well in a way that is good…it means that it partly worked. You need to understand something before we carry on here…Frankie….you haven't been reported missing…you don't even know who you are…and we definitely don't have a clue…except you are Frankie…which all we need really. Frankie….I am going to help you….I would like some gratitude back one day. Although this is said to be barbaric…nothing else has worked on you. You metabolise your medication….you seem to recover quickly from the ECT…and it really doesn't have the desired effect and so I am going back…way back to the times before we had ECT and antipsychotic drugs…a long way back…and I really hope it doesn't kill you Frankie…I want you out of our prison…I want rid of you….but I don't want you dead…I understand that you are ill…I know you can't help it…but I am going to give you a bilateral lobotomy anyway."
"Fuck you." I say back… "You don't give a flying shit about me…you just want to open up my skull and poke around….well fuck you arsehole…I don't give you my sodding permission this time."
I hear him cough.
"Unfortunately for you Frankie….you gave your consent once…and it is still binding…..Someone knock him out…I don't want him awake for this."
-o-o-o-
I can't decide if I want to go to the bar or to the club…so I get the cabby to drop me off somewhere between the two of them….and now I am regretting it…I will have to walk to one now…and my leg hurts and my chest hurts and tonight is just going to be one disaster followed by another.
It is the club I finally head for though. I can lose myself easier there and so this is where I find myself heading for….Again I miss the hand I usually have in mine….or the arm around my waist…and I miss the shoulder to put my arm around and the smell…that special smell he carries with his everywhere he goes. A few people knock into me as I walk…this just wouldn't have happened with Floyd here with me.
The club is throbbing as always and I get my drink at the bar and stand and take in the scene….and this isn't what I wanted. This isn't me…What the hell am I doing here? I drink back my shot and walk off again towards the door….
"Hey." A hand grabs my arm and I turn to look at who it is….not someone I know so I pull my arm away from them…. "You look stressed." And he leans in and says something in my ear. I listen…and I feel the hot breath on my ear and still I don't want this.
"No…no thank you." And I try to walk away. But a voice in my other ear and another hand on my arm and more whispered promises…and I know…I really know that this is stupid….very stupid….maybe terminally stupid….but these people want me…
…………..so I look from one to the other and think about what they said and I can feel their hands holding my arms and I don't know if I can leave anyway….so I go with them….I let them lead me to the backroom….but again…do I want this…or was it Floyd I was hoping to see…or Ardal….maybe….but not together….I wanted to see them alone….in pain….and hurting like I am….
I take in the people around us….still looking for Floyd…trying to sniff him out…. But there is nothing…..
"Haven't seen you here in a long time." Tall and dark says to me.
"I've been unwell." I say back quickly…I don't like the talking…I don't want to communicate with these people.
"Figured you had a fight with Floyd." Short and blond says as he un-buttons my shirt….
"Er…." I say back…not sure that I want to answer.
"He's not been around though." Dark says into my ear…from behind me he is playing with my belt with his fingers…. "Figured you wouldn't be here without him."
I don't answer….I don't want to talk to them…..I want to feel them…I want to feel blonde's hands on my chest the way they are…and I want to feel Dark behind me tugging at my clothing and licking the side of my neck….I need the mouth working it's way down my chest towards what Dark has exposed with his experienced fingers and hands….
I need to feel the fingers on my back and slowly working down and touching…all the touching….
…………….my hand rests on the top of Blonde's head as he dips and kneels and pleasures me with hands and lips and tongue….and Dark behind me….behind me in a lot of ways…….and I hear the sound of foil…..
"No." I finally say something…. "No…." And Dark licks the side of my ear….and waves something in my face…. " You like to take risks?" So I shake my head…. And move a hand from Blonde and take the condom from Dark and drop it to the floor….. "Just – just. – carry on." And a tongue runs over the back of my neck and fingers work on me… "Whatever you want…you don't know how long I have wanted to do this for…you don't know how many times I have stood watching you and Floyd…."
I let out a small sound of delight…but the talking carries on…and I wish he would shut up…. "I thought it was Floyd I wanted…"
Pushing into me I yelp out as the two men synchronize their game.
"But - it – was – you."
"Oh god…." But although this is good….although this is probably the best three way a man could have…it didn't come close to what Floyd could do with just a glance…a finger on my face…a tongue on my neck….
And I push back and demand more…and I don't care…right now I don't care if Derek has spies watching me….I don't care if I get some nasty disease…and I am sure I will…I really don't care now…because I am floating…and every nerve ending in my body is exploding….and if the end of the world suddenly happened, I don't think I would notice.
They back off and drop something on the floor next to me.
Quickly I pull my clothing back around me and do up my belt and then crouch down to see what they dropped…
Another condom…this time with money….My hands are shaking as I pull the two ten dollar bills from the thing. "They paid me?" and I stand looking at the money… "twenty dollars?" and now I feel as though everyone is watching me….and with the money held in my hand I walk from the dark musty confines of the room….
"Whore." Someone mutters as I go by them…..
The money falls from between my fingers and my vision becomes even more blurred than it already is as I make my way out across the dance floor and towards the way out.
-o-o-o-
I am meant to be counselling this man….but he won't look at me…
"Frankie." I say to him…but he is looking at something a long way off. "Frankie can you hear me?"
Very slowly his face turns to look at me and I can see something which used to be a good looking guy…I have seen the files…the photos….I have seen what he did…I have seen photos of that too….I know what this person used to be….but that is gone now…and my job is to rebuild him and make him a useful citizen….but with all the surgery they did I don't think that is going to happen.
He is deathly pale and his head is shaved in places with dressings covering whatever it was they did to him…he has been scratching at his skin and biting himself.
"How are you feeling today Frankie?"
and he blinks at me and licks his lips…and I can see sweat breaking out on his brow.
"I need your help."
I wasn't expecting him to talk to me….and I wasn't expecting a British accent….I put a hand out and rest it on his.
"That is why I am here…to help you." And I smile at him… "Shall we start by you telling me everything you can remember?"
And he moves his hand so he is holding my hand. "I need to get out of here…I need to say goodbye."
I wasn't expecting this. "Goodbye to who? The guards?"
"Spencer….I need to visit his grave and say goodbye….can you arrange that?"
"Who is Spencer?" I haven't seen that name in my notes…I will have to remember this and try to find out who he is….he looks at me and shakes his head.
………… "I don't remember…I just know I have to say goodbye."