Chapter 15

Confession

A/N: I was listening to Tom Waits: Rains On Me when I wrote this chapter.

One of those days you just want to get over and get home.

Don't get me wrong…I love my job, but there was an atmosphere about the place today and I couldn't figure out what it was about. Morgan was not his normal chatty bubbly self and spent a lot of his day locked in his own world of files and forms.

Hotch kept his office door locked for the entire day and requested that we go via Dave if we wanted anything. Dave was his normal self though I could see that he was concerned too. He could see the strain in the office too.

I spent my day drinking far too much coffee and filling in far too few forms…and just not getting enough work done. I wondered in my own bitter and somewhat selfish way when the hell Reid was coming back to work…Sure his let hurt and his chest and shoulder gave him trouble but you don't really need them to fill in all this damned paperwork.

Slamming my pen down on the table I've had enough. I have to get out of this placed.

A quick tap on Rossi's door and I'm walking in without waiting for an answer….he just looks up at me and nods… "Go home Emily." He knew what I was going to ask before I even opened my mouth. I don't reply to him…I just nod and walk out again.

There is going to be a storm…and it sort of comforts me to know. It is Saturday tomorrow and I intend spending the weekend snuggled up with a book or watching a dvd and eating warmed up take out. I drive to the small store just down the road from me and pick up supplies for the next few days. If I need more I will get it delivered. Nothing is going to get me out of my little comfy hide away this weekend.

………..I pull up the car and park and grab my groceries from the passenger seat and start to walk up the small path to my front door. The thunder has started in the distance and the rain is pelting down like the gods just emptied a bucket of water over me. I can feel the brown bags getting soggy in my hands….Quickly I am on my small porch. Well not mine particularly….the one which leads to the interior of the complex I have my apartment in…and I am about to slip my card through the security thing when I see movement.

The bags are dropped to the floor and my gun is out of the holster as I spin around to see what it is….

'Jumpy Emily Jumpy…calm down.'

Someone is curled up in the small space between the big potted plant thing and the wall.

"Get out." I order…the last thing I want is damned tramps and no goods hanging around outside my front door. But when the person rolls over and looks up at me I just sigh and put the gun back in its housing. "What the hell?"

"Prentiss."

"What on earth are you doing here?" I look at this mess with Reid's face and wonder how long he has been there….as he moves and the lightning lights up the sky I can see the blueness of his skin and how wet he is. "I suppose you want to come in?"

but he shakes his head. "Let me help you." And white shaking hands are touching my food.

"Leave it." And I feel snappy and really this is unfair. He looks ill. He looks like he is on death's door but I can see dried blood around his nose and his lip is split and there is something about it which makes me want to hurt him.

"Emily."

He is pulling himself to his knees now…He has on slightly too big for him sweatpants and a baggy Tshirt and his hands…those long pale fingers are still reaching for my things.

"Stop! Don't touch my things." And I shouldn't have said that. It was cruel of me. It's not his fault…but yet my mind will only let me believe it is.

I watch his hand snap back this time and his eyes…way to big for his face are staring at me.

"I'm sorry Emily." And now his is getting to his feet and I can see he has no shoes on.

I grab my things and pick them all up again quickly and ignore him.

"Emily."

And he sounds so damned sad…but it just makes me want to scream. What damned right has he to feel sad?

"I don't know what you are apologising for Reid. That your actions caused my friends to be shot? That you came in to work hung over? That you and you life style which you kept from us caused me to be raped? That you and you promiscuous dirty ways almost killed me? What part are you sorry about?" And my card is sliding through the lock.

"All of it I suppose."

I watch him push his wet hair off his face and my eyes take in the weird form in front of me.

"Well maybe if it was you who had been raped by some diseased mad man you would understand why I am finding your 'sorry' just a bit hard to take right now."

But he doesn't answer. He turns and starts to walk away.

"You don't want to come in then and carry on your sob story?"

He doesn't answer still but walks off into the night…and the sky lights up his back as he limps away with his arms wrapped around him. I was too harsh on him. I know I was…but he had to know how I was feeling.

NO……that's not it……I had to take it out on someone. I had to blame someone…and as the UnSub is unavailable Reid was next in line.

I watch until he is out of sight and then turn and enter the warmth of the building. It's cold out tonight….its going to get colder….I should offer him a lift home.

Pressing the button for the elevator now…so it's too late. He's a big boy….let him find his own way home.

Why am I crying?

Why do I feel like such a bitch?

It wasn't his fault. Not like he went out and planned it. He would never have done this on purpose….but the thought that he kept his life from us…how I feel such an important part of his life from us…that is something I don't understand.

I enter my apartment and drop the groceries on the kitchen counter.

Have I actually told anyone about my personal life? Is it any different? Are we allowed secrets?

I stand at my big window and look out over the twinkling city lights and the rain hammering down and the thunder crashing and the lightning flashing….and I think…I hope I did the right thing.

-o-o-o-

I ask Morris again the next day.

"I really need to go to church…c c can you s sort that? Did you – did you find out who the f fed is?"

He is sitting on my bed and I am sitting on the floor and I know yesterday I knew something else too….but today I have forgotten again.

"You will need to make a personal request to the governor Frankie…I can't make decisions like that. They are still keeping you segregated from the other prisoners…I think being permitted to leave will not be a request which will be granted. I can try though. I will see if he will talk to you."

I pull my knees up tight and wrap my arms around my legs. "It's kinda important…I need to do it before I forget."

And he nods at me. "The point of all this therapy you are having is so that you do forget. We don't want you remembering."

I sniff and wipe at my nose. "Tell you something Morris. I feel like there is part of me missing. Not my bits of brain. I know they are gone…but it feels like – I dunno – like part of my soul has gone too." I want - need Morris to feel sorry for me. I take a deep breath and sigh and look up at him. "And this stuff I've forgotten…you know I don't need to remember that shit…I do need to say goodbye…so I feel whole again…does that make sense?"

He nods again…

"You can say goodbye via the prison chapel. The chaplain will me more than happy to let you do that."

"No…no it wont work…it's fucking shit down there." Truth is the place actually makes me feel very ill, but I need to be off the prison premises for this plan to work. "I need to go to a proper Catholic church Morris." And the lies flow off my tongue like sweet water. "When I was a child in Italy…I was born in Italy…when I was a child I was an alter boy." I smile at him. "I can remember his crap." I lie. "Well…as we moved…and ended up in England I spent a lot of time studying my faith. I considered at one point – but not for long – if I wanted to join the priesthood….but it's when I think things started to get fucked up for me." I carried on watching Morris carefully. "I need that atmosphere…you understand that don't you? I need to go to confession before it's too late. I don't want to die and burn in hell….Morris…I am dying aren't I?"

And I wipe away the tears I have squeezed out with the heel of my hands and then wrap them around my legs again.

Morris shakes his head. "I have no idea what your long term medical prognosis is Frankie…I will talk to the boss. Is there anything else you need to discuss with me?"

And so now I am standing in an office but I don't think my chances are going to be too high. They've put cuffs on my hands which are in front of me…and shackles around my ankles…I can only take small steps. I decide to keep up the 'feel sorry for Frankie' routine and just stand looking at the yellow line on the floor I've been told not to cross. I want go grind my teeth and…and I want to bite at flesh…but

I need to behave…It's a game…just a sodding game…I can do that…I have to.

"What did you want to talk to me about." His voice is hard. He's not going to be a push over. I sigh…I squeeze out of me all I have….and I mumble. "I need to go to confession."

And the fucker laughs at me.

"Nice one Frankie. To confess what exactly?"

He is a bastard…and one day I will kill him…but for now I keep looking at the floor and I keep my hands relaxed and I let my body do what comes naturally to it…it would seem.

"I killed people sir. I need to rid it off my soul."

"You don't have one. Get out…you are wasting my time."

So I bite on my bottom lip….I need more time…I need to intoxicate his mind…

"That's as maybe sir, but I still need to return to my roots and confess before it's too late."

"Your roots? You are by your own words…a gypsy…you have no roots Frankie. Someone get this thing out of my sight."

I feel the hands on my ready to pull be back out of the room. "Sir…you will deny a dying man his last wish?"

And now I look at him…and I see the frown on his face and he wipes his brow where I can see bead of sweat appearing. "You will be under armed escort. You will be manacled. You will be shot dead if you try anything."

I nod at him. "I just need a Catholic priest to hear my confession. I need to do this. I will never ask you for anything else."

"No Frankie you won't. Get him out of here. I will arrange your last confession Frankie…but fuck with me and you are dead….you do understand that don't you."

I nod…a slight nod…a sad pathetic nod…and I let them lead me out of the room. Job done…step one complete….I can almost smell the fresh mown grass. There are people around again and Morris he says quietly to me.

"Ignore them. Don't let yourself down when you are so close."

And I want to kill the bastards shouting out at me…accusing me…of things I did…but I don't have to let them know I know…I'm meant to not know…there is just that one thing which is evading my memory constantly and this is Spencer.

So I keep my head down…I'm drooling…and so I shake my head and spray those getting too close…and then I sneeze and send snot and blood clots over the room…and some slides down the wall and it is very satisfying…so I fold up onto the floor and let them carry me…HA! Stupid mothers…stupid people.

……….but I don't know if I could have walked anyway…I am knackered. I just want to lay down and – and – well that's private….but I'll tell you anyway…I am going to give myself the best hand job in weeks…unless….

Morris and the guys drop me onto my bed and the others leave.

"You going to be OK Frankie?"

He really does want to do what is best for me…the poor sod.

"A blow job would be real good right now." And he just raises and eyebrow and shakes his head.

"Sorry Frankie. Please – make life easier for yourself and keep your sexual desires under control…or at least to yourself, or you wont be getting that last visit."

I turn and look at him and frown. "So I am dying?"

"We all do eventually. Just try to behave…I really do want this to work for you."

And my hands are undoing my buttons. "Just one Morris. A parting gift." But he is gone and the door is closed.

You know what?

If I had it in me to feel anything other than this over powering need to screw…I think I might like Morris.

-o-o-o-

And so what's left?

I really should have known better from Emily. I really shouldn't have expected more.

The walk back to the park is a long one, and by the time I get there I am mentally and physically exhausted. I am having to hold onto my sweatpants with one hand because they are so waterlogged they would just slide down and be at my ankles.

I find the park bench I was on earlier…yesterday? I have lost track of the time. I don't think there will be anyone around tonight. It is so cold and the wind is howling and the rain is falling so hard that I am sure they will all be hiding behind closed doors tonight. This is good. It gives me the chance to just lay here and be alone. No one to bother me.

I curl up as I did before…

Last time I was awoken by hands pulling at me and feet kicking at me…. 'Not your turf gutter boy.' They had shouted as I crawled away from them and headed for Hotch's place. That seemed a life time ago now.

I can see the flashes through my closed eyes…and the rain on my face is refreshing and cold. I am shivering and my teeth are chattering.

Really…I am hoping I will fall asleep here and be found by a beat cop in the morning…cold and very dead.

There just doesn't seem to be a point now. Everyone I ever loved is gone. Even those I just tolerated have turned their back on me and this is it? Mum won't miss me. Gideon….he's long gone….everyone…even Floyd…someone I thought would never leave me…even he's gone.

And that worries me. That out of everything worries me the most.

I wonder if Hotch tried to find him for me. I wonder if anyone is looking for me.

And I close my eyes and slide into a dark warm place where Floyd is there…and Aaron is watching me…and Morgan is my big bro…and non of this has happened.