Chapter 16

Comfort

I don't know where I am.

But it's not where I lay my head down last night….

I run my hands quickly over myself and I seem to be in an all in one kit of some kind. When I open my eyes I see I am in a small cell. Wonderful. With a sigh I push myself up so I can sit and get a better look at my surroundings. I lick my lips and see on the side there is a bottle of Mountain Dew and a sandwich. I don't know how long it's been there but the corners are starting to curl. The room is longer than it is wide and three walls are pale green…the forth is bars.

I sit and put my head against the wall. Can it get any better? I have no memory of what happened after I got to the park. It's a blank. I am rubbing vigorously at my nose when someone appears.

"Dr Reid…nice to have you back with us."

He knows who I am.

I just look over at the guy at the door and sigh.

"Feeling like shit I would think….you were in a bad way. Hotchner is on his way."

"Pardon? Hotchner? Why?"

He opened the door which hadn't been locked and came in. Sitting down next to me he gave me a curious glance. "You don't remember what happened?"

So I frown and scratch at my neck and shake my head. "You are going to have to fill me in."

"You were picked up walking down the street. Sort of out of it."

Now I am confused. "Walking down the street?"

"If it can be called that. We had to do bloods. Sorry about that…your arm might be a bit sore."

I rub at my nose again which is incredibly itchy and look at him. "I really don't understand."

"Then that's a shame….maybe it will come back to you? I dunno." And he stands up again. "You asked us to call Agent Hotchner during one of your lucid moments."

I shake my head and I can feel my brain sliding around inside my skull. "How long have I been here?"

"The hospital had you for two days…we've had you here for one. It's Thursday."

My brain tried to count back…What had happened to the missing days? I look at the detective and blink. "I see. How long will Hotchner be?"

-o-o-o-

Yes I am mad at him.

Yes I have been shouting at him….and yes I could see how hurt he is…but this is something I would have expected from a child….not one of my team…not someone I should be able to trust my life with.

He is standing in my lounge just looking at the floor and I am slapping a bit of paper onto the table. "Why? What the hell do you think you are playing at?"

And he just shakes his head…and I want to put my hands on his shoulder and shake him.

"This is the end of your career…you realise that don't you? I can't hide this from Strauss…I don't want to hide this….this mess!"

I am pacing the room now…I want to shake him and hold him and bury my face in his neck and tell him all with be alright…but can't …I'm the boss…the big guy…the one in control…and it feels like my control is going.

"I think I'll go." Is his reply. He doesn't even look at the bit of paper…he scratches at his neck and rubs at his nose and now I am …I am holding him….by the top of the arms…and I might he holding a bit too tightly.

"Why…Reid…why? What is going on…just tell me what the hell is going on…I can help you."

He doesn't move away…or try to get my hands off his arms but he looks up at me and he has a slight nose bleed…and his eyes are huge and wet and he tells me…

"I came to you for help Hotch….I came here…and you – you accused me…accused me of being a whore." His voice was quick and the pitch high….I had hit a sore point…I had reached part of the problem.

I need to pull him to me. To wrap my arms around him and hold him close but I don't…I slide my hands off his arms and I put a hand under his chin. "I didn't accuse you Spencer. I just asked why."

And now he steps back and pushes my hand away.

"Because – because that is what it was like…that was my life how I lived it…and I was putting no one at risk." And he steps back again. "Did you do look for Floyd for me?" He is swaying slightly and so I step in and hold his arm.

"Sit down…just sit." And he lets me guide him to the chair. I see him glance that the papers laying on the table and I pick them up and move them. "Maybe later?" I say…I will talk to him about this later…but this Floyd business has to be addressed too.

I sit on the couch as Spencer sits down in the arm chair his legs crossed and his one arm folded the other wiping at his nose.

"You need a tissue?"

and he nods…so I pass the box over and he takes a few from it. As he squishes it to his nose I watch and then say. "Floyd Flanders…I got Garcia to see if she could find anything on him. I'm not sure why you are looking for him or why he can help." And I study that beautiful face carefully as he responds.

"I just need to know where he is." And he had the wad of paper to his nose and the other hand is on his knee and his fingers are digging into his leg through the sweatpants he had been given back before we left the precinct.

"Is he your dealer?" And his head jumps up and he stares at me.

"What do you think I am Hotch…first a whore and now a drug user? I thought we were past that. I thought you trusted me."

"This Flanders person has a record going back as far as when he was a child. Grand theft auto…mugging…robbing local liquor stores…supplying drugs…pimping…the list goes on…then about ten years ago it all stops and there has been nothing since."

"I see….and did you find him for me?"

And I watch him closely…none of this information seems to be of a great shock to him. "No…no I didn't…as I said…there is nothing now for ten years. It's as though he died. Are you sure you are looking for this person?"

"Hotch…I was living with him not so long ago…I know he's not been dead for ten years."

And it's such a horrible feeling in my stomach…I feel dizzy with it. This isn't the person I had always thought he was…I don't know who the hell this person is…but it hasn't changed the fact that I want to hold him and comfort him and try to take away the pain he is feeling.

"Emily called me. I think you scared her."

But he looks away from me

"You need to give her time Spencer." And he is looking at me again with questions on his face. "The man raped her. That's a big thing to deal with. I know." And suddenly Reid is on his feet again and the bloody tissue is falling to the floor and I can't take my eyes off that blood and I feel so guilty that I am feeling this way about him…but I do…and I am trying to understand. "She will come round…just be sensitive with her."

And he turns and he looks so angry…and I don't know what I've said to fire up this anger in him.

"And me? What about me? Where is the understanding and sensitivity when it comes to me? No where…I am just accused of of – of - stuff…and rejected…and I have to be understanding? Why? Why when all I get in return is accusations…and dirty looks."

"Spencer." I stand up…not quite knowing once again what is going on in his head. "You have to talk…we cant help you if you don't talk."

"I was raped too! Why do you think I'd been drinking? Where is my understanding?"

And he is crying…so I reach out and I put one hand on his shoulder and pull him close…and the other I wrap around his waist and rest on his back...and I stand and feel the sobbing pain pour out of his body.

-o-o-o-

The Church of the Sacred Heart…

I watch carefully. I have marked the guards…Two at the main doors and two come in the actual church with me.

I wasn't expecting this….it is making me feel ill…I shouldn't be here, but this was my best bet to get out of the prison…if only for a short while…that is all I need.

I am cuffed and shackled and again the chains are a bit too short to make this comfortable. I look up and scan the place quickly. It's a small old building…one which shouldn't cause me too many problems. Morris is holding my arm a bit tightly and I am getting that itch in my nose and the tightening in my brain…and if I don't do what I need to do soon I am going to fuck up and it will be over. I will never find out who the hell this Spencer bloke is…and I really want to do that.

The priest is introduced to me. Father Andrew – and he smiles a tight sad smile at me.

"Do you want to pray and prepare?"

So I shake my head. "Father…I know what I need to say…I just need to get it done."

And he nods at me and looks at Morris. "I will take it from here. We will be fine…wont we Frankie."

And I keep my head down…because if I look at him now it will be all over. I am drooling slightly and I think my nose is about to explode, so I don't look up and let him see my grin…because think I might…………

………………..SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!! ……………

I promised to behave…and for Morris I will. Father Andrew guides me to the place where I kneel…he closes the door behind me and then I see his outline through the mesh…It is during this time that I slide my hands and feet out of their bindings and push them to the side.

"Let's get on with this shall we?" he says…and I don't like his attitude so this comes easily to me.

"Father…I need to confess some pretty vile shit….I hope you're ready."

"I'm listening."

Crap I feel like I am going to vomit…the closeness of this 'holy' man makes me feel quite ill.

"I suck cock and I eat people."

And he doesn't react.

"I'm not sorry though…I'll do it again given the chance."

"Then why are you here…if not to confess?"

"To do this."

It's slow motion! I swear it is…and it's beautiful and I want to replay it but I can't….

I reach through the mesh which tears easily between my fingers and I put a hand on his head and on his shoulder and his neck is broken before he knew what was happening. I pull him close to the opening and rip into his neck with my teeth…they are all idiots…and they wont win…I've done it now…the first step of my recovery….my own little twelve step program which will probably not have that many steps. My heart is pounding in my chest…I now need the two guards to come over…Which they do…I don't have to wait long to see their shadows under the door.

I stand….you see they are expecting this shackled thing to be in here…not me…not Frankie…who isn't actually Frankie cos some of it is coming back to me. I stand still and I wait…they are listening…they will know no one is talking…and they will…..

And hallelujah – they are so fucking predictable…but I was banking on that rather….

…………….so as the door opens one of them gets a broken neck and the other gets the good old Frankie….I am trying to remember my name….but I rip out his throat with my fingers and then stand in the mess and look at Morris who is just standing staring at me.

"Unforgivable fuck up Morris." I say to him… "You will lose your job." And he just stands with his mouth open….I walk quickly to him…

and my hands are on his shoulders and I am pulling him close…I run my tongue over his lips and then move a hand down to the front of his trousers. "You should have had me when you had the chance…I'm sorry Morris…I sorta liked you." And I head butt him…and he goes floppy in my arms…and I want to fuck him….but I cant…I don't have time…I pick up the hand guns the guards had and take their belts and wrap them around me. I need to get out …I need to leave now…the others will be here soon…though this has all been done in silence…I don't have time to fuck about…literally. So I go towards the rear of the church and as I get to the altar I start to vomit….

Shit this place is going to kill me if I don't get out soon…

And I am gone…I am so gone you hardly see me move…

Now I need to hunt….

Now I need to restock.

Now I know I am Floyd.