Chapter 17

A Little Drink

Drop and snatch.

Step one….after you have vomited your entire life out of your guts….

You need to find someone alone and suitably attired.

You need to walk up to that person and say. "Hey have you got a light?"

………….even if you don't have a smoke………..it doesn't matter cos you're not gonna have to time to smoke anyway.

If said mark has no light or ignores you….just walk on by…..but don't break into song like I just did…that's gonna get you fucking killed for sure…….so you walk on by and the as you pass you turn and snap the bastard's neck. It's quick and you don't want to get blood all over the new clothes. Strip the mark first…always….worry about yourself after…just get the shirt and jeans or whatever…hopefully you have been savvy and picked someone the same or bigger – by a small amount – than yourself…..you can even choose a female if you're small and she's tall…you know? Anyway…a quick stripping is what you need…

Don't! For fuck's sake don't bother with buttons…they don't bloody matter….be quick…rip the shirt off….hopefully it wont wreck it totally…but that's ok…It really is going to be ok…

Shit…well it will be if you can stop barfing everywhere for five seconds….

Never worry about foot ware…the chances that it will fit are so slim it's not worth it….just get the jeans or whatever off and grab your loot and …run….

Stop and lean on a wall and vomit…and then run some more….

When you've found somewhere deserted then…and only then strip and change.

So here I am…leaning on a wall …and I shouldn't have drunk holy fucking blood…what sort of an arsehole am I?

Where are my sodding brownie points for deleting the opposition?

I can hear sirens…I need to move…

The gun belts I tie back around me and the prison garb I throw in a bin and cover with shit and crap…and then I keep the shirt undone….which is ok as most of the buttons are missing and I walk casual like from this dark and gloomy place and out into a stream of people walking.

The bloke was called Chris Towner….and I have his wallet and his money…I don't want his ID…but I keep it all in the wallet for now…I have my prison boots on still but that's good…barefoot would have been more conspicuous.

Goodwill stores are fabulous! I don't know if you ever go to them…but if you want cheap and if you want disguise well fast then they are the places to go. The clothes are second hand so you don't look like you've just walked out of a high street store…you look normal.

There is one across the road…and so I finger brush my hair over my face and keeping my head down I walk quickly across the road…

I am drooling again….but at least my stomach has stopped complaining about the blood…I will have to replace that though…I will have to hunt…and very soon…I will keep control…I have to keep total control of this situation or I wont get what I need….and that is information…I need to regain what they took from me.

The door jingles on a small brass bell when I go in…and it has that musty smell of oldness about it.

I flick through clothes and find an old pair of Versace jeans…hey…they might even be mine…they are my size…they are more pricey than the other crap but I know they will look good… I will look shit hot in them.

I also find a black cotton shirt…sort of baggy and comfortable looking…so I pay for them and leave….

A motel…I have to find somewhere to just keep my head down and sleep…maybe not a motel…they will check them…they will check every fucking where…they will know I killed that guy in the alley way.

My plan is to go to the park. This is the place to pick up whores and junkies…and though I'd rather not feast off of that sort of low life scum sometimes you don't have options….

I can still hear the sounds of police sirens so I walk quickly but with my head up and my hair back off my face now…I don't want to look like I'm hiding something. I also need somewhere to get out of these nicked clothes and into something else so I head for a big store with public restrooms and my luck is in…it's so in that I want to dance a little jig of joy, but I don't.

I walk in you see…and place my new kit down on the side…and I fancy a slash or I am going piss myself…so I get ready and there next to me is another guy and he is looking at me…and I look back at him and before you know what's happened I am face against the wall and he is arse fucking the life out of me….and I know now that that blood I had earlier did have it's perks…

………………please….please don't misunderstand this situation….I could have ripped him apart or even offered to blow him…or him me…but he is giving me his hand too…so what's to complain about really…it makes my eyes water and funny little gasping sounds come out of my mouth and when was the last time I had any of this? I have no idea…but hell…this is so damned good that when we are both done I want to start over again…but he just smiles at me and turns and leaves….

………………..But he just smiles and TRIES to leave……..

Oh I know – I know….I was going to be good…I really was….but offer lion his gazelle and he won't turn it down…..

likewise…….

………………offer a murdering bastard with cannibalistic tendencies an easy kill…and well…………….

I stepped over him and locked the door and then took what I needed…his arse…his heart…his liver…..and I had me a picnic in SuperSaver's mens room. Never say I don't now how to enjoy life…and this might have saved some whore's life down in the park…if I ever find the park….

I wash off the blood in the basins….and then change my clothes to ones not blood soaked….you see…I should have been a boy scout….

Then I look for stuff to burn…but can find fuck all….so I just leave him there….and I exit, sticking an 'Out of Order' sign on the door to give me a bit longer to get away.

The jeans fit good too…..

So fully sated and now in need of a drink I head out and look for a bar to spend a few bucks in….

More sirens…..

They really are not looking for me very hard are they? I am leaving a trail a mile long behind me.

-o-o-o-

I can smell his shampoo and aftershave and it is the most comforting thing I think I have ever smelt…His arms holding me are in a way secondary to everything else. I just want to feel safe…

You have no idea what it is like to have always for as long as you can remember to have had a barrier there protecting you…even when things are bad…real bad…you know he is there watching over you….then it's gone.

He's been gone before…but yet not so far that I couldn't still feel him inside me….in my soul….part of me…and that part has suddenly disappeared and I don't know…really I don't know if I can cope.

"Hotch." And I pull back slowly from him…suddenly I feel overwhelmed and – and – I don't know what this feeling is…but I just want to curl up on his couch and cry, but he doesn't let go of me….he pulls me back and holds me until I stop shaking…and I don't know how long that is…all I can hear is his heart pounding in his chest and my blood rushing in my ears.

"I'm sorry." Is what I say in the end…empty words really…because I don't know what I did wrong.

He guides me to the couch and gently pushes me back to sit. "I'll get us something to drink…Whiskey?" and I nod…really anything would have done then….if he had offered me bleach I would have accepted it.

I would like to see what is on that paper he moved out of my way but for now I will leave it. I just need to feel like someone is willing to listen to me…if only for a little while…even if I won't be telling the whole story…and he will know I am keeping something back…I am fine role playing something…but lying to Hotch is different. I don't want to lie to him…want to tell him everything…and I know I can't.

The glass feels cool in my hand and Hotch sits next to me at a slight angle so he can see me better and talk to me. His hand reaches over and pushes some hair off my face and behind my ear.

"So tell me…Spencer…what's going on up there?" and his hand brushes against my head. "Someone assaulted you?"

I don't want to tell him…I can't tell him…who would believe me!? Who would possibly believe that the famous womanizer Derek Morgan would molest me in the locker room…They would be more likely to think it was the other way around.

"I'm not a whore." Is what I say. "I had a partner."

Hotch is nodding. "This Floyd Flanders?"

And I look at Aaron who is looking sad and confused. "Hotch…please…please don't make it sound so dirty and sordid…it wasn't like that." Though maybe it was. "I've known him for a long time…a very long time. It's not some quick or easy decision I made." I didn't make the decision at all…Floyd just moved in.

"So you know he has this list of – of – crimes against his name?"

I do a tight smile and throw the drink into my mouth…it feels good…it feels very good…and I glance over at the bottle on Hotch's cabinet and then back at Hotch again.

"I don't think…as far as I am aware that he has ever actually been arrested or if he has he has been released due to lack of evidence and that was when he was a child Hotch…he's changed."

He takes the glass from my hand. "So where is he Spencer…this person who gets accused of all of this then slips of the radar?"

I take the glass back again and stand up. "I don't know." And I am walking towards the drink on the side and suddenly that is all I can think about.

Faintly in the background I can hear mumbling and talking but I ignore it in my walk to the amber liquid I need so much…

…………………… "Reid!" and I jump and drop the glass to the floor where it shatters into a million tiny shards and sits looking at me. "Spencer….sit down please." And he takes my shoulder and leads me back to the couch.

-o-o-o-

I want to ask him about the blood test results….

They were taken when he was sent to hospital by a concerned citizen who saw him collapse in the street.

…………….I have to ask him…I just don't know how to say it without risking him backing off from me again. I want to be here for him…I want to be the one he comes to and I really can't risk upsetting this delicate balance.

"The blood test results." Ah…I said it…no backing off now….Spencer has folded himself up into the corner of the couch all arms and legs and so squashed in…very defensive.

He doesn't answer me or respond other then just looking at me and I know this is going to hurt him…it hurt me just looking at it. "You were very intoxicated." A start….start of gently and he is still just looking at me and I curse myself for offering him alcohol…that was so stupid…but I wanted him to be calm and relax. "You also had a number of drugs in your system." And he is still just looking at me. "Can you remember anything that happened?"

And he shrugs… "Sounds like I was at a drugs party or orgy….a shame I remember nothing."

I move a bit closer and put my hand out and rest it on his knee. "Spencer – I really am not having a go at you…I'm not accusing you of anything…I just want to understand."

Raised eyebrows. "Not accusing me? Drunk and drugged and you have the numbers on your bit of paper."

"Spencer…listen to me…I just want to know what happened."

He nods and unfolds a bit and leans forward and looks at me.

"Start to finish Hotch….I don't know what happened. I went to sleep in the park and I woke up in a police cell…everything else is gone. If there was anything else…and there must have been as I have four or five days missing – and I have been trying to think what I did during that time and I come up a blank every time. I have no idea." He looks at me…in the eyes…maybe for a bit too long and then he stands up… "Hotch…I really could do with another drink."

He really looks ill…I've seen him looking like this before and always put it down to lack of sleep…but the dark shadows under is eyes and the fiddling of his hands…I am now wondering how long drink has been a problem.

"How about a shower and then sleep…in a proper bed…you can have the spare room."

And I think for a minute he is going to pass out….he sways and his skin goes almost transparent it's so white. I jump up and grab hold of him…and this time I feel tentative arms around me holding me in return…

"A shower and sleep sounds good. Thank you."

I will let him rest… but this matter can't I have to know what happened….I have to find this mystery man of his…I have to work out where he has been and why the hell he had such a high alcohol count and why in gods name was there cocaine in his blood.

I don't want to talk to him about it now though…right now I want to help him over this first hurdle…and get him to relax.

Slowly I pull away from him… "Go and sort the shower out…I'll find you something to wear in bed." His hands slowly slide off me and he steps back and walks slowly to the bathroom…and I close my eyes and don't like the images of what I can see…I don't want to see him drunk and snorting drugs up his nose and I am sure that's the way he was taking it. It makes me feel sick thinking about it because I don't want to have been the cause of it…by rejecting him…by not seeing that something was very wrong with him.

I am damned profiler – why can't I see what is directly under my nose!

I can hear the water running when I reach the bathroom, but the door is open…I walk in and he is standing there with his back to me and I can see those nasty bruises up his spine. Some of them have turned yellow…some are fresh and dark…I can see boot imprints and finger marks on his skin….over his back…on his arms and down his legs…What the hell happened to him? I put the fresh night ware down and move in closer.

"Your things are on the shelf. I'll make some coffee." And I start to back out still looking at that tall skinny person standing there…

And he sighs….

"Hotch? Please – please don't go."

-o-o-o-

I'm drunk out of my foooooking head you know…..I am…and I can hardly fekking walk…….or stand…I will stay here where I was….

Hell…………..how many times in one night can a man get seen to like that?

HA!

Bastards…………………………you see I sorta remember….

……………………..and I'm going…………going…………….

Oops……I'm on my face in the gutter…………I'm going to have to kill someone…………because………….he is my reason for being………

And ……………….I'm trying to stand up…I don't want to get fucking arrested for drunk and disorderly…………………that would just be so funny I will probably explode in my pants…… bugger it………..

Agent Spen……….Spence………..some motherfukkkkkker killed my Spence…and I will

Will die too

Cos there is no point in being without him…………………and now it's too late……………I want to say goodbye but they will be watching…….

Watching and waiting for me…………..they must know who I am……….I know who I am……………I know who Spencer is……………….I just don't remember much else.

Its' coming….slowly…..as my brain tightens…….and with each sneeze and snort….and with each glass of any damned thing I can afford……a little bit more…………