Chapter 19

Water

I might be only sixteen but I'm not a kid….I've seen some crazy stuff in my time with the gangs and stuff…but I've never seen a jumper before…so I stand for a while and just watch. When he hasn't done anything for about fifteen minutes I call out to him.

"Oy…just get it over with will you so I can go home?"

And he turns….hell how he kept his balance I don't know…like some trick tight rope walker or summat…but he turns and looks at me.

"I'm not stopping you."

"Well you sorta are…cos I wanna see the splat…so if you're going to do it…just do it ok? Or get down and I can go home and have my cocoa."

I watch him turn and look back down at the traffic. "I might be a while yet…waiting for the right vehicle."

"Yeah…sure…you would have done it by now if you's gonna do it."

And he turns to me again. "You are disturbing me kid. I am saying my goodbyes…so sod off and drink your cocoa…I'm not doing this for you."

"You won't do it…" I put my push bike against the railings and walk over to him.. "Help me up…I wanna see this perfect vehicle too."

But he looks down at me and frowns… "Why don't you fuck off kid and leave me alone."

"Because you're behaving like an arsehole."

And I don't know if that was the wrong or right thing to say cos he is off the rail and has his hand is against my chest and he is turning me and pushing me hard against the railings….but a kick in his shins makes him back off of a bit. "Shit kid! Cant you understand?"

Oh and for one horrible moment I think he is going to burst into tears…or worse…song….but he doesn't he just leans back on the railings and looks up at the sky. "You can go…I'm not your entertainment."

And so I go…I get my bike and cycle by him watching out of the corner of my eye cos I get the feeling he wants to chuck me over the bridge.

But I scan the local news that night….and wonder how he topped himself cos I'm sure he did.

It was years later…as an adult…that I went back to that bridge myself and stood on that same rail and looked down at the same traffic and learned how to fly.

-o-o-o-

When I awaken I wonder at first where I am and what I am doing. Then I remember. Reid had a nightmare. I held him until we both rested and relaxed and I could hear the heavy sighs of this sleeping breaths….but he has gone now and reaching over and touching where he had been laying the bed is cold. I roll over and sigh. It's still early…the digital alarm clock on the shelf says it is six in the morning…so I slide off the bed and make my way to the kitchen. He's not here either…and now a slight panic rises….Bathroom door is wide open and a quick glance shows me nothing of interest except the hot tap is running into the basin. I walk in and turn it off, looking up at the mirror as I do so. Someone…and it must have been Reid has written upon the steam covered surface. 'Where are you?' I think about wiping it off but leave it with a frown on my face and walk to the lounge….and this is when I find him.

"My god Reid." I can see him laying on his front on the floor between the couch and coffee table. An empty bottle of whiskey has rolled to the side and another of gin has dropped a bit further away….He is laying in a slowly cooling puddle of vomit.

Quickly I am at his side and touching my fingers on his neck….he feels cold…very cold….but I can feel a weak pulse under my fingers….I leave him laying on his front and stand up again looking at him…How long has this been going on for? How many nights has he spent at home with his man getting drunk like this? Not like this….I would know… sure I would know. I lean down again and carefully lift him off the mess he's made on my floor….he makes soft moaning sounds at me…I'm not sure if he is saying thanks, or requesting I leave him alone….but I take him carefully and dripping to the bathroom and sit him in the shower tray.

I stand for a short while remembering the last time I saw him there…very different then…I felt the same though…over powering sense that I have to – against all odds – protect this person. I turn on the water to a not quite cold but not warm either temperature and watch as his curled up form slowly gets washed of the muck and smell over him. I strip down to my boxers and sit with my legs crossed in the large shower cubical and gently stroke his hair. Partly because it is so soft and wonderful to touch and partly to get rid of the mess he had been laying in.

I am careful with him…he seems so fragile and lost I want to be there for him and be the one he turns to and be the one he needs but I wonder if it is all too late for him now. I doubt…with the bloods we got back that Strauss is going to allow him back to work – no unless Dave gets over there and talks to her…that is…if Reid can do the job still anyway?

I want to strip him of the pyjamas he is in… but I don't want him to think I am taking advantage of him so I just sit with him – and it's a long time – coming up for two hours before he stirs and moves and starts to cough.

"It's OK Reid." I say to him and stroke my fingers down his back… "I just put you in the shower to clean you up a bit."

And he turns to look at me…and maybe he is crying? I'm not sure…the water from the shower is running down his face covering up the evidence. I touch his face gently and I don't ask questions and I don't point the finger of blame at him…not yet.

-o-o-o-

It's a stormy morning…the light isn't really getting the chance to break through the clouds…but that's ok…I don't care anymore. I am on a bridge again…but a different one. This one is over the river…deep deep down below me. I can hear it…the strong current as the river fills with the rain up on the hills and pushes it down in brown muddy torrents. So this is my decision – I will tell you what I think…after much walking around and even more booze and I even snorted some crap laced with painkillers – bastards don't sell it pure; and pain killers? What in hells name are they meant to do for me? Fuck all...I wanted to disappear you know…just stop existing but I can't do that. I have to reach a point where nothing matters…and my goal in life…OK not all of my life cos that's been longer than you can imagine…but my recent one…my one with Spence…that was just to – I dunno – protect.

Don't fucking frown at me like that? I know…I know I hurt him… but it's for a reason…and he understands….understood….he knew. He knew why I did that and he didn't mind.

It's crossed my mind that I should pull my self out of this hole I've fallen into and go and kill Agent Derek Morgan…and screw Emily Prentiss…and I mean that literally…but this big fat 'I can't be arsed' attitude has set in now…and well….as I said…I cant be arsed…it just seems like a hell of a lot of trouble to go to and there is the risk they will connect me with Frankie…who I know they are looking for….I expect they've been trying to profile him…but that's fucked….he doesn't exist now…Now there is just me…and I am tired and I am finished….

Time to move on and do what the boss requires…and he requires that the ones who lose their mark lose themselves.

I wrote him a letter…you know one of those things you write when you need bare you soul – not that I have one – but when you need to tell someone something…and I don't think I ever told him this…so I wrote it on the back of a paper napkin and I got a condom and I stuffed it inside and tied it in a tight knot. I washed it first…the condom…I did wash it…

Anyway…it's in my pocket now…so if they never find me then that's cool…if they do…then he will get a letter from me…either way…I just don't want them finding me and him not knowing…doubt this makes sense…As he's dead and all but you know...Someone will read it for him...I've had too much to drink…too much to snort…too many fucks…and now it's time to go.

I'm feeling a bit hungry.

My nose is bleeding….

The bridge is brick…and the ledge quite wide and it needs to be because this is one hell of a storm…in a funny way it's almost like I'm being called home again…Time is up Flanders…you messed up and lost the only thing you ever loved.

So I stand on the ledge and look down at the water and the wind is blowing my hair around and my shirt is sort of billowing out on me….and I am waiting as I did before…I am waiting for Spencer to come and tell me not to do it.

But he can't.

And he won't.

It takes just the blink of an eye…

And I am gone.

-o-o-o-

I feel so ill.

And I feel so empty….

I can feel the water running over me and I can feel a hand on my back and I can hear comforting words, but this is just another reminder that I have someone with me who cares and who wont let oblivion take me no matter how much I think I need it.

"I don't feel too well." I think it important to let him know…let Hotch know that I think I might be sick again.

"I should have taken you to the hospital." And the hand rubs harder on my back as I start to cough again. I don't think that the damage done that day is ever going to properly heal…my lungs just don't work as they should do anymore…I try to push up in the shower try and sit, but Hotch keeps a firm hand on me. "I am willing to help you Reid. I will stand by you and help you through whatever it is but you need to tell me…you have to trust me and confide in me."

But I don't know how much I can tell him – or how much I want to tell him.

"Hotch." I rub at my eyes and bite on my bottom lip. "Thank you…but there isn't much to tell that you don't already know or haven't guessed."

The hand leaves me and I feel him move and stand. "When you are ready…I will leave you something to change into…maybe you need to go home and pick a few things up. I would like you to stay here for a while…Until……"

"I don't want to get in the way." And I move now and sit up in the warm water.

He crouches in the water in front of me and pushes hair out of my eyes. "Spencer…you are not in the way. I would love the company. I really mean that…but I do need you to be honest with me…and I do need you to try to think about what has been going on."

And I nod….but I don't know how much help I will be…I don't know what he wants…If it is what happened in those few missing days….well I still don't know….If it is why I drank myself into unconsciousness then I might be able to tell him, but he wont like it. And I don't want to hurt this man who seems finally to have – have – what….screwed his subordinate? Or was there more to it than that? Am I some dirty little prize he won….or – I really don't know…there were no words said….no terms of endearment – nothing…so what was it? Just opportunity because I left the door open…on purpose.

He stands again and as he does he runs fingers over the side of my face…where there is a slight mark still from the gun shot. He gives me a rare smile and stands back… "Take your time. There's no rush." And he had gone.

I get up and slowly strip the wet clothes off me and pull a towel off Hotch's shelf and wrap it tightly around myself.

He is in the lounge clearing up where I emptied my stomach contents….I just stand and watch him for a while. There is something so calm and relaxing about the man. Something I've never found in anyone else before. Nothing hidden…all just there…no need to be afraid I will say the wrong thing…I can let my defences down completely when around Aaron. I know…I know he would never raise a hand to me. I know he wouldn't beat and abuse me….I know he would always be gentle and kind….but…..

…………………I don't know if that is what I want…………..not forever……………where would the excitement be? The adventure….if you know you will always be safe and cared for and loved? I don't know if it's what I want….no….not want….I don't know if that is what I need…..or maybe it's not what I am used to.

When it suddenly happens I think I make a strange sound in the back of my throat….I suddenly can't breathe…everything is horribly heavy and it's almost like being ripped off a river bank and being plunged into deep icy water.

I feel the floor coming up and smacking me in the face and I hear Hotch saying something…shouting something….but everything is going dark….and I need to breathe…but there is nothing there…I am drowning…I am falling and drowning…

In desperation I try to get back….claw my way back to the surface but something is pulling me down….and it's too cold and too dark and………..

And I open my mouth to scream…….

…but …….nothing happens………...

and I float.