Chapter 21

The Soul

A/N: for PoRM

Days of doing nothing in a hospital can send a man crazy. Luckily I am safe.

Hotch is here every evening after work even though I insist he goes home and sleeps…he does in the end…but he spends a good few hours a night with me.

I feel bad. I still feel confused over my feelings and though he isn't pushing…he is just letting it go with the flow…I still don't know if this is right.

The thing is…if I don't…if I say I won't go back and stay with him then I will have to go to some convalescence place until I can go home. They are not happy with me going back to somewhere alone.

"I will be alone all day anyway." I tried to argue…but he has engaged someone to baby sit me…and though…I really do know he is meaning the best – I could do without that sort of love and care…and I know he loves me. I can see it in his face and this is so hard for me…so very hard because I know I will never be loved like this by anyone else ever.

"Just until they give you the all clear."

He tells me…and so I will be doing a lot of healing and not much doing…because I don't want a someone hanging around all day watching to see if I pass out.

Hotch insists in carrying my bag down to the car…and insist in walking even though I was given the opportunity to get a lift in a chair.

"Please – I'm fine…I can walk."

And I can see that worried look on his face and he picks up my bag and links his arm around mine…and I feel so totally safe and loved and needed that it makes me feel dizzy.

But I don't know…can I love him the same back? I do have feelings…I wouldn't lead him on and play this sort of game if I didn't but there in the back of my mind I know I could never love him as much as I did – do – I still do – love Floyd…and that is deceitful.

Then again…it seems I spend a lot of my time pretending to be what I'm not. I need to be what I really am for a change.

I sigh and as we walk I look to my side and watch Aaron's face in profile and hope that I will be able to give back to him all he is giving me.

The ride home in the car is made mostly in silence. I don't know what to say…and Hotch looks nervous. Afraid of me? Scared of the situation? I'm not sure…I lick my lips and take in a deep breath…

"Oh."

It hurts….it feels like someone has ripped open my chest…

"Hotch…pull over."

But he has already and I am fumbling for the harness and trying to unclip it.

"Spencer…what's wrong?" His hands fluttering over my arm…and on my head.

"It hurts!" and every breath feels like something is tearing…

and his arms take me and he is rubbing my back and talking gently to me. "Small careful breaths Spencer…you are panicking." The closeness…the sound of his heart beating in his chest…the feel of his hands gently touching me…and slowly the pain subsides and my breaths become softer.

"I'm sorry." I say it so quietly I don't know if he will hear…but he does and he wipes the hair off my sweaty face and smiles at me.

"No need to be sorry Spencer." He says to me…quietly and gently as always…as he finger brushes my hair and just holds me so gently like I will break if he holds me too tightly…I am shaking slightly and I don't know if it is from the pain or from the feeling of being wanted or if it is the side effects of needing a drink so much I think my head will explode.

Slowly I sit back up again and Hotch adjusts the seat so it's resting back and he leans over and puts the restraint carefully across me again. "About ten more minutes and we will be home." I can feel a hand laying on my knee and it feels good.

Resting back on the seat I close my eyes and feel the movement of the car as we pull out into the traffic again. Home…he said we are going home…but it's not my home. It's Hotch's home…and it's very nice…but it's not mine.

I feel a shuddering breath creep through me.

"Are you alright?" Hotch asks me.

"Yes….I'm good." And I turn my head and watch him and I smile a tight smile and make a wish somewhere that this works out.

-o-o-o-

I'm so damned desperate for my next hit I don't know what I'm going to do…

My jeans are soaked through and I think my hoodie has doubled in size from all the damned rain. My trainers a squeaking and squelching…and I just need some cash…this storm…damn this storm…the is no one around…I might be a little skinny thing but point a knife in someone's face and demand a wallet and they usually comply…more likely if I pull my hood up and try to disguise that I'm a girl. I push my dripping wet hair out of my eyes and watch the scene from a distance. I see them pull someone from the river…poor sod, I think at first…I see the cop hitting the guy with the camera….and then I see them rush the river man or woman off in an ambulance…all lights a blazing. Slowly the crowd disperses but the camera guy is still there. I watch him pick something up. From here I can't see what it is…but it looks like someone has dropped something and he doesn't call after the cops…no…bastard puts it in his jacket pocket…

I know he has at least a camera on him…that will give me enough cash for what I need. I walk towards him and luck has it that the cops are gone quickly and the other load of people traffic has dispersed. There are loads cracks of thunder still and it disguises the sound of my wet trainers. I pull the knife from my hoodie pocket.

"Hey." I am right behind him now. "Drop the camera and anything you have in your pockets. Don't turn around." And I prod him a bit in the back…I really don't want him to turn cos I am probably half his size and he will swat me…so I jab him a bit harder. "Did you hear me?" My hand is shaking slightly and I need this guy to do what I am asking quickly. "Just drop the damned camera and walk away." I hiss at him.

Crap…he's not doing what I want and is turning around. I see his face as the lightening lights up the sky and he sees mine and he laughs at me! Yes he laughs…and it just happens…I feel it sink into his over fed stomach and I see the surprised look on his face. Now I've never done this before….not actually stuck it in like this…and I push it in hard and can feel blood squishing over my fingers and I am holding the handle of the knife with its good eight inches of blade with both hands…shaking hands…and as his knees bend I hold it still and feel it sliding through him..

"You should have just given me the damned camera you idiot."

And the last words to leave his mouth are "Fucking junky whore."

I kick him onto his back...and pull out the knife and snatch up the camera then go through his pockets…not much…but find the thing he picked up…a condom? With something stuffed inside it. I look over at the river and then in the direction the ambulance went….it must have been from the guy in the river. He was protecting it.

Camera in pocket…weird message in a condom in my jeans and the knife also in my pocket I wash the blood on my hands off in a puddle and race out of the park and toward my next fix.

-o-o-o-

I'm in a bit of a bad mood.

Again…people have a habit of this…I have been stripped and washed when I was out of it. I don't mind…not really but sometimes I would like to hear what they are saying when they wipe my arse. I'm on my back and I have a tube stuck down my throat and there are things on my chest…

Now…now I don't really like this. They will see…they will know.

"Hello."

Ah crap…I need a story.

"Nice to see you awake. I want you to relax and I will take the tube out."

And I give her my bitchy slitty eyes look and dare her to come near me…but obviously I don't look too frightening in hospital pyjamas and a hose in my gob….she ignore my threats and smiles at me.

I don't have a gag reflex…either born without or lost it many years ago…I don't remember ever having one.

"You gave us all quite a scare you know."

"Think of something original to say then come back and bother me." I say back to her.

But she smiles…and it makes me want to knock her teeth out…her enamels rather…they are not real teeth….too white and too straight…I like a mouth to have character….I like a full mouth…I need Spencer.

"We need your name sir….and the police will be wanting to talk to you. Also any allergies? And erm…operations?"

"Anthony…Anthony Waits…and I say An Tony…not this An Thony crap…get it right on the record. Waits….W. A. I. T. S. Now fuck off and find my clothes."

"Allergies? Operations?"

"Screw you."

And I get out of bed…and I think…yep…knew it…bloody knew it…I'm on my face on the floor.

"Mr Waits." The voice sounds prissy and smart. "You need to go back to bed."

"And you need to go home and find someone to fuck you…touch me and I will hurt you…just don't you fucking touch me."

Right…I am seeing red…I can't even bloody kill myself…I need him!

I need Spencer so damned much I can't not have him…and they won't even let me say my goodbye…and until I have…

I need to talk to his boss…

What the fuck? Seems I am crawling out of the room and they are asking me nicely to go back to bed.

"Mr Waits please…"

So I get up and walk back to my bed.

"See I'm fine."

I'm not.

I want to die.

I want to drink and get high and walk in front of a train….surely I can't survive that?

"I've had a bad day…I fell in the river."

She looks at me with her radio active teeth and I want to pull them out and sell them on the black market.

"I need my clothes back…I have something I need to do."

So she frowns and places a bag on the bed. "Your belongings Mr Waits…I will get your clothes. I tip the bag out and look…a few dollars and – I frown and scrunch the bag up…my message to Spencer has gone.

"Shit…why that? Why did I have to lose the thing most important to me?"

The chair….

The cabinet.

One of those tray things they put around hospital beds…

Some equipment….

It goes flying.

"Mr Waits." Someone keeps saying and it takes a while for it to sink in that they are shouting at me. "Mr Waits….you clothes…I think you need to get dressed and leave….you seem to be in fine health now." A snappy annoyed voice.

"I had a letter…in my pocket. Wrapped in a condom."

"That was all you had…Your clothes…if you can leave please."

They let me go….

No…actually they virtually throw me down the stairs in a rush to get rid of me.

So here I am…my clothes are dry but not clean…they stink of filth and river water…and I have a few dollars….I need a drink…I need something to snort…but I don't have the cash for that. I need Spencer. Damn I need him so much it hurts. I didn't…haven't…will never even get the satisfaction of knowing what happened…. They are probably still looking for Frankie…I have to be careful. I can't afford to be picked up.

I lean on the wall….I place one hand on the wall and the other I use to get my manhood out and I piss in the gutter.

"Hey."

Ah crap….no no no fucking no.

I turn slowly and it's a kid…in a hoodie.

"Are you the guy they pulled from the river?" And I can see she is watching my put my stuff away again…

"Why? Who the hell are you?"

"You dropped something back at the river….something in a condom?" and she has it…the little bitch has it.

I nod at her…and put my hand out and notice it's shaking a bit. I pull my hand back and rub at my nose and try again. "Thanks girl…now hand it over."

"How much is it worth?"

and I think about that for about a second. "It's worth me not breaking your fucking neck…now hand it over."

And she is bloody waggling it at me…my inner thoughts…my soul…that is my damned soul in that condom and she is walking away …she is turning her back on me and walking off. "Wait! Wait…I'll let you blow me." Seemed like a deal and a good one as it's a girl but she keeps walking. "What do you want?!"

And now she turns back to me and comes back…she smiles and takes me by the hand…. "This way…" And the little gutter brat leads me off down a dark alley way.

It doesn't take long…I'll let you fill in the details…but we are both satisfied I think…her more than me…she just got done by Flanders…that's no small payment you know and I got my soul back…and I lifted her cocaine…

-o-o-o-

I sleep in the spare room.

At about midnight he walks into my room…I am still awake just looking at the shadows on the ceiling.

"Spencer?"

I push up onto my elbows and smile. "Can't sleep?"

"Want to keep me company?"

And that was it…the only invite I needed…An invitation to warm gentle arms…and unconditional love.

How can I refuse?