Chapter 22

Drink

I don't know how long I lay there for. It felt like the night was going to last forever.

Not that I wouldn't have loved it to, but I had to do something and I knew Hotch wouldn't let me…so I waited….and I hate this

I hate the deceit but it's getting easier….and I hate that too. It used to be that he would have been the last person ever I would have been untruthful to, and if I was I knew he would see right through me. Now though, because I was comfortable with this…this whatever it is…relationship? Now I am finding it easier.

Part of the problem……I have spent a lot of my time living and being around the biggest liar on the planet. The words fell out of Floyd's mouth as though he didn't even know he was telling untruths and a lot of the time would know….some of the time I wouldn't….but it is all practice isn't it?

I waited until I could hear the steady heavy breaths coming from Aaron and then carefully moved his arm from around me…protectively holding me…keeping me safe… I roll carefully off the bed and stand looking at him. I have feelings…I have such deep feelings for him…but there is something missing and I'm not sure what it is.

Walking quickly to the lounge I raid his drinks cabinet.

The spirits have gone…not a drop…either I drank it all previously or he has moved it…but there is a bottle of red wine so I pick it up and grab the cork screw thing…

…………..I stomach is turning in knots at the thought of drinking this……..My mouth is watering and my hands are shaking…and the smell…that divine smell….I look at the glasses and then at the bottle and just raise it to my mouth and take a long deep swig.

"I'm sorry Aaron." I say to myself.

"Then why do it?"

Oh god….I turn and he is there in the doorway watching me.

"Aaron." I am still holding the bottle in my hand…and I am beginning to shake now…and this is a familiar feeling…I know only too well what this is….I watch him walk towards me and I am rooted to the spot. My stomach clenches and I feel the hairs on the back of my neck and on my arms stand up and it's as his hand reaches out for mine that I finally am able to move. I crouch down and drop the bottle on the floor and wrap my arms around my head and wait for the kicking to start and the shaking has reached a point now that I am finding it hard to balance and I need him to just get it over with….I need him to do it so I can crawl away and mend.

I feel a hand touch my head…and I flinch away.

"Spencer? Please...look at me."

But I keep my head down. I move one hand and rest it on the floor…I don't want to fall over…I don't want to show that much fear.

"I'm sorry." I say again…and I keep my head down.

But the kicks don't start. I feel a hand pulling my arm away from my head and a hand resting under my chin and he slowly lifts my head so I am looking directly into this dark eyes….and again I flinch back from them, but only slightly.

"It's OK Spencer…I'm not going to do anything." And I think he is looking sad. Pity? I don't know…I really don't know….I am so confused now. "Let's go sit on the couch." And he is standing up again from his crouching position and pulling me to my feet with his hand in mine. I reach out and grab the bottle of wine which has spilt onto the floor. I can smell the sweet smell of grapes and berries and it makes me want to cry. I walk and then sit on the couch…but I can't look at Hotch.

I don't want to look at him…I don't want to see that pity. I don't want to feel the shame…if I don't look at him…I don't have to accept it. I hold tightly onto the bottle and wish so much I was alone to just drink and let it all go away.

"I would never hurt you Spencer – you do know that don't you?"

And they are words I have been hearing since I was about twelve. And usually they come just before or just after a beating. I still don't look at him…I can't. "I thought you were sleeping…I didn't mean to wake you." I mutter into the corner of the room…I pull my legs up onto the couch and lean onto the big upholstered arm…away from Hotch.

"I'm a light sleeper."

"I'm sorry." I say again…and I don't know why I am sorry...I just am…about everything…from start to finish…for my whole existence… "I will stay in my own bed in future." And I hear a shuddering sigh. "I can't be what you want Hotch. I'm not this delicate pure flower you want me to be. I can't be that. I don't want to stay in at night and watch movies and eat pizza…I don't want to go for walks in the country and throw sticks for the dogs….."

and there is something else I don't want but I can't tell him that….I can't, because the rest we might be able to change…maybe…but Jack? I would never ask.

"I'm not asking for anything from you Spencer….I don't want you to do anything you are uncomfortable with." And as he talks I swig from the bottle. "I just want to protect you…love you." And his hand is touching me but this time I don't flinch back. "And if you need a drink…at least use a glass."

I reach out and put the bottle down. "I just needed a drink."

"And the medication you are on specifies no alcohol. You will end up back in hospital."

And I chew on my bottom lip because I don't want to do that.

……………..I stand up and start to pace the room… "I don't want to be either….I think…I sure I want to be here…but….this," I gesture around the room. "I need to adjust to it. This isn't my home Hotch. It's yours and it's lovely and I will happily share it with you but I want my things here too…if you want this…if you want to share our lives."

-o-o-o-

I watched him cowering like an animal on the floor…curling up defensively on the couch….I listen to him telling me I cant give him what he wants…and now he is saying he wants to share his life with me. I know I can't push him…I want things to come naturally. I don't want rushed decisions but I can see Spencer doesn't know what he wants.

Now I watch him pacing the room…saying he wants to share his life with me, but he doesn't how can he possibly when he is in love with someone else.

"And where does Floyd fit into this plan?" Yes I am cross. He says one thing and next breath something else. I watch him stop in his tracks and turn to look at me.

"What has he to do with us?"

"Come and sit down and talk to me about him…tell me what you did…how you had fun…what he looks like. I'm interested. I need to weigh up my competition. He is just looking at me…his mouth slightly open that damned innocent look on his face and I want to grab him and bury my face into his hair and feel him under my hands and against my body.

"I don't want to sit down Hotch….I want to pace…I want to…I want…." And he sits on the edge of the coffee table. "More…really …I don't want to talk about him."

I reach over and place hand gently on his knee. "I'm a profiler Spencer. I know you have feelings for him…"

"I don't!" and he cuts me off and puts a hand over mine…. "Not really – I don't think so….he's gone." And Reid does and little shrug. "He – I - we – we had a falling out…the day before the weekend thing…he met someone else. It's finished."

And now I have to talk about the thing he mentioned and then clammed up about. "And the rape? That was him?"

Now I watch in surprise as he slowly shakes his head. "Look…I shouldn't have said anything. Besides I probably asked for it you know? Brought it on myself."

And I am standing…and I feel so damned cross and sad and infuriated and hurt and I want to grab him and shake him. "That is what rape victims say Spencer…it wasn't your fault."

But he looks up at me with big round hazel eyes. "Oh I think it was."

"Was it Floyd?

-o-o-o-

Ah the question…and I can answer this two ways…truthfully. 'No it was Morgan.´ or I can lie and stop being questioned and let it die where it is. "Yes." There…done. I hammer the nail in the coffin of the only person I really ever loved fully and completely and unconditionally. I know what he is…I know! I know what he does…and that makes me as bad as him…I am an accomplice every time I put his blood soaked clothes in the laundry and don't even think twice about it.

All the times I have stood in the bathroom with him and sponged someone else's blood off his drugged out drunken face.

All the times I have eaten his suspect food…though deep down I know he would never give me something to eat which I shouldn't he does tease me with the thought. I know…I really do know I am – was living with probably the most evil being on the planet.

………….and all of that would put me behind bars as quickly as it would him.

And so this person I have been protecting all my adult life I am now accusing of something he didn't do…

Ok he did do…but not that night and I am sure he would be back by now if he was going to…I'm sure….but that feeling I used to have that he was here inside of me…part of my soul…my spirit…it's gone.

He knew I enjoyed that time with Morgan. He knew because he knows me too well – and by doing that I hurt him…and he hurt me back then, and now….I've lost him.

I look over at Aaron who is looking right back at me. "When you are ready to tell me the truth you know where to find me." And I watch as he walks away from me…

"Please Aaron…please…I can't tell you." And he stops and turns and nods at me… but he looks sad. "Are you coming back to bed or are you going to try to kill yourself in the lounge again?" and I look at the bottle and look at him and put it down and walk over to him and kiss in gently on his lips…and his arms are around me gently…and his fingers are on my back and running up over my spine and he kisses me deeply and gently and lovingly…

And I know he loves me.

But

Where is the danger? Where is the excitement in knowing you will always be safe?

-o-o-o-

The place was derelict. The home of drunks and junkies and homeless and it occurred to me that I could go home, but I couldn't face it. Not seeing those remnants of Spencer hanging around still…I checked the account and bills were still being paid out of the money I set up, so it was still there…waiting…and empty…and I didn't want to go there…so I am here. The land of the nobodies. The scum and filth…

I don't have a way to prove who I am…and I don't know if I want to do that anyway…so I cant get money from the bank…I nicked some…pockets here and there…wallets from the careless and stupid…those who don't deserve this anyway.

I have alcohol now…a couple of bottles of gin….and I have the coke I nicked from the kid…and now in my paper bag….yep….a damned paper bag I have syringes and phials of something strong and harmful and so if I paid all this money for this shit I don't want to metabolise it.

So I have to turn off my defences and that in it self is dangerous. It leaves me vulnerable….but hey…where is the fun if there is no danger? I told Spence that enough. Spence…I have to go and see that Hotchner….I have to hand over the letter and get him to read it over the body. It has to be done or I will be trapped here forever.

For now I am in an abandoned shop door way sitting on a week old newspaper and I am going to shoot up and snort and get pissed and wake up in the morning with nothing but a head ache…but for now…for a little while I will stop that pain inside where Spencer used to be…that horrible gaping hole in my soul….

And I pull the letter out of its little home and read it again and it's all good. It's what I want and needed to say…It's what I should have said a long time ago and couldn't cos unless I'm screwing or eating or killing I'm no good at fuck all..

…………..feeling sorry for myself now..

think I'll shut up…so here I am curling up on my news paper my coke up my nose my heroin racing through my veins….so excuse me…..I need to fly.

……………………Morning brings my nose bleed and my headache…and my realisation that life is shit….I need a drink but my money is again gone……so I have to sell my arse for a few bucks…I know where to go…I know all the best places for this dirty little game and I know all the worst…and in the state I am in I think I will go for the worst….

Fags are renowned for their cleanliness…well at least the ones I will fuck and give my arse to…and I don't think I am in the state to get much from my old haunts….so I head for the park…the men's restrooms…a fine place to get a few bucks and it will be me doing all the hard work….

I don't have to wait long….the guy is big…in lots of ways and I stand and watch him have a piss and then smile a lovely big tooth filled smile at him and then wipe the back of my hand over my mouth…Talk about desperate….I might be a bit run down right now…but I am still pretty good looking…Cant remember what he looked like…spent my time on my knees which his hands on the back of my head….I serviced him well….then he made me an offer….return job…as in I can have his arse…or he will give me a few buck for the blow.

I took his arse…

Which is stupid…I know…I was meant to be getting money…but he had such a fine backside….

"I need cash for drink." I tell him…but he leaves….and I think….well Floyd Flanders…you continue to amaze me on what a complete fuck up you are.

It eventually takes me four hours to get enough money to be able to say I have enough to last the day and night….that's a lot of cock in a short space of time…and now I just want to go and get sloshed.

-o-o-o-

The nurse arrives on time…and Spencer smiles at her and sits on the couch and turns on the television.

"I'm off then." I walk over to him and he looks up at me and frowns.

"Really the nurse isn't necessary."

"Yes she is…Don't argue with me on this because you will not win…You didn't see what happened before Spencer…If you had been alone I would have lost you."

He nods at me and runs his hand down my leg. "Be careful at work."

And I bend down and we kiss deeply and lovingly a long goodbye. "I will bring food in with me ok?"

He nods and settles back watching the TV.

This is good…this is comfortable and safe and loving…I just hope it stays like this.

-o-o-o-

He kissed me good bye….and he left….

And I want to curl up into a ball and cry….but the nurse is there…so I get up and walk to my room. "I'm taking an hour or so nap." And she nods and sits on the couch where I had been.

I am meant to take two pills in the morning…and I haven't yet…so after closing and locking my bedroom door I take the pills and tip them out onto my hand….two…four…eight….how many to take away the pain and guilt and let me sleep?

I tip them out onto the bedside table and look at them and then scoop some into my hand and palm them into my mouth…the capsules go down easily…and with a quick drink of the water in the glass next to them, I lay down and now I allow myself the tears.