Chapter 23

Pain

I am healing well…

I sleep a lot and Aaron worries a lot but he doesn't need to.

I am healing well.

At least my body is and there have been no more scares like before and so I don't have the baby sitter/nurse here anymore…not that she did much. I think it was for Hotch's peace of mind more than my safety.

I need to exercise…and Aaron suggested a bike thing in the garage…and I suggested I go for a walk every day. I won that decision, but I don't think he is happy about it.

He is so kind and gentle and loving…

And this is the problem. I'm not used to it. I am used to being the survivor and not knowing what is going to happen next. I stand in front of the big mirror in my room in just my boxers and look at my body. I have scars…bullet holes in my skin…and I have a nasty jagged rip in my chest…but that's it. No other marks and it looks strange. No bruises or bite marks or finger marks on my skin. I can also see that I am too thin again…Hotch keeps saying….

"Spencer…are you sure you are alright?"

But I am…most of the time.

I am going to go for a walk…and I will go to the chemist again and pick up my script for my pain killers.

"Yes Doctor – I still need them."

And he gives me a funny look, but never asks if it is for the pain I need them. He is a quack. He is a dreadful doctor….in fill out the script and then out…he doesn't care as long as I hand over the money. My appointment at the other doctor is somewhat different. There I don't get my scripts anymore…he was concerned about the amount I was requesting…and I wondered if he had ever been in the sort of pain I am in. And I doubt it.

Brown cords and a beige shirt under a jacket. It looks cold out. The weather is definitely taking a turn for the worse.

I lock up and take my walk to the small row of shops about half a mile away. There is that funny smell in the air…like it might snow. But the sky is clear blue and bright. Stuffing my hands into my jacket pockets I take my shortish walk to get my pills…my drug of choice?

They are just pain killers…nothing to get alarmed about…

So why haven't I told Hotch….

There is a nasty tightness in my chest by the time the shops are in view and along the side of the road there is a bench at a bus stop…and so for a while I sit. My body is having a problem with the cold air – and it hurts….and it feels constricting…so I rest my head back and close my eyes and start counting.

And I get to fifty before the feeling finally subsided…and that number suddenly brings back memories long – very long forgotten memories and they make me shudder and then the fill me with a deep sadness. The bus pulls up next to the stop and the doors hiss open and I sit and look up a the driver sitting looking expectantly at me but I just shake my head and the doors judder closed again and it pulls out and disappears down the road.

The chemist is small. I don't pick up my other scripts from here…but this guy knows me now and he will make sure he has enough in to full fill my needs. I hand over my bit of paper and he nods and hands over a white pharmacy bag with a bottle of pills and without even exchanging a word I turn to leave.

The walk back home is as uneventful as the journey out and by the time I can see Hotch's – our? Place I and out of breath and sweating…but the pain hasn't returned…That's good…that's very good. But then again the bag of pills makes me feel guilty. Then again…my logic is trying to tell me…I need them…that is why there is no pain.

This is why my mind is a million miles away as I walk back up the path to the front door…That is why as I put the key in the lock I am looking at the bag of pills in my hand and not what I am doing.

I walk in to be greeted by something hitting me hard on the back of the head….

The bag in my hand falls to the floor as my knees give way and somewhere in the back of my mind I can feel I am being dragged forward and I hear the door slamming.

Then it starts…

And at first I think it's Floyd…The kicking.

And it takes all the breath out of my lungs and I feel boots scraping along my spine as I try to crawl away and the assault continues. I don't seem to be able to hear anything…all I can hear is my heart thumping too fast and the sound of me trying to gain my breath…but I can't…he harder I try the harder they kick and the harder it is to breathe.

I cant remember it stopping…I don't know how long it continued for but now I am alone I think…and I am in the kitchen curled up in the corner….I carefully open my eyes and look around but the light is too strong. I think maybe I should phone Aaron…but I really don't think I can move yet. I can taste blood in my mouth and I cough and I taste more.

It hurts.

It hurts a lot.

And I like it.

I close my eyes again and let my body take me somewhere warm and safe.

I know when I am ready I will wake up again.

-o-o-o-

I know when I pull up outside the house that something is wrong. It is in total darkness. Spencer always has a light on somewhere in the house. The drapes haven't been closed and the porch light is off too. It has been raining lightly and the footpath to the front door is slick with rain. I have my black wool overcoat on. It really did start off cold this morning and I can feel that icy sharp feel to the air.

So I am standing in front of my house and I am rubbing cold hands together and I wonder if he has left. Just got up and gone home – but I don't think he has. Something just feels very wrong…and that nasty twisting feeling is starting in my stomach. In one hand I have my door key and the fingers of my left hand reach up and touch the blue painted front door. What am I expecting? Some warning in Morse Code? I really don't know what to expect but there is nothing. I transfer my key over to my left hand and pull my side arm.

I don't know what I expected when I walked in…but the small puddle of blood on the floor wasn't it. The drag marks weren't it either. I just stand and listen. I listen out for any movement….but the house is stone silent and deathly cold. I put my key back in my pocket and pull out my flashlight and shine it around the room. I don't see how the television is smashed or how the lamp is broken in bits on the floor. I don't even see how Spencer's few books he has here have been ripped and thrown around the room…What I see is a sickening blood trail…what I see is smears on the floor heading out towards the kitchen…and a pharmacy bag discarded on the floor.

"Spencer!"

And there is no answer and so I start to walk quickly but careful to avoid the splatters…oh god…it looked like he was crawling or moving away and was being attacked…the thought makes my blood run cold. Still shining the flashlight around I see blood spots and smears leading me to the kitchen.

"Spencer?" Now my voice is quieter…the kitchen is in darkness and at first I don't see him but he is there curled up with his hands over his head rocking slowly back and forth. And now I move quickly. "Spencer!" and I reach out and carefully touch his hand which is clutching onto his own hair. "Spencer it's me. It's Aaron." And he moves and turns and I can see blood soaked into the back of his shirt and over his arms…and dribbling from his mouth. "My god ...what the hell happened? Who did this?"

And he just looks up at me and blinks. "I'm fine." He says… "Could do with a painkiller and – erm – a drink."

I sit on the floor with him and wrap my arms gently around him and pull him close and I can feel him relax against me and I can smell his sweat and blood. "You are not fine…I need to get you checked out…someone hit you pretty damned hard."

And he squishes in harder to me. "I'll be alright Aaron…don't fuss please."

I don't understand. I don't know how he can be thinking like this. "I need to call the medics and someone out to check the crime scene." I feel him nodding.

"Can you help me back to my room Hotch?"

My lounge has been wrecked but the rest of the place has been left. Nothing was taken…and no message left. Then I look at Reid curled up on his bed with his pot of pills on the shelf and wonder if he was the message. The detective wants to talk to Spencer who tells them that he saw nothing…he was attacked from behind…that he was knocked down and dragged for a while…then he crawled away from them as they carried on kicking. They said nothing. He has nothing to tell them. Except that they were there waiting for him.

It feels like people are there forever. Derek comes over and scans the mess and advises on alarm systems…which I tell him I have and I wonder if Spencer set it. Emily comes over and offers to help clean up, but I tell her not to. I will call someone in t do it tomorrow. Dave comes over with Indian and some beers and we sit amongst the carnage and try to work out who would do this….and I wonder if it has anything to do with the case we are working on.

Finally the house is holding just Spencer and I…I go to check on him before having a quick shower to get rid of the smells of he day and then I go and check on him again. He is breathing heavily but unevenly and I worry. I worry so much about him…I don't want to lose him…I don't know what I would do if I lost him now.

I can see the pill bottle has been opened…and I can see it's a different brand to he used to get. I pick them up and look…they are stronger…He really needs to talk to the doctor about this. I am worried that he takes so many of these damned things. But now isn't the time. I stroke his hair gently…he has blood matted into the back of his head and I so wish he had gone to the hospital…but he was insistent.

I go to my own room and leave the door's open so I can hear if he calls out. I pull on a fresh pair of boxers and slide under the covers of my bed.

Sleep came quickly. I don't remember laying there thinking…I just remember putting my head on the pillow and then….

"Aaron?" A hand touching my arm. I open my eyes and Spencer is standing by my bed. He is still blood smeared and dirty but he is standing in just his underwear with his arms crossed tightly around his chest.

-o-o-o-

I suddenly realised when I woke up…I realised what I wanted and what I needed so much. I slid out of bed and walked to Aaron's room…he was sleeping soundly and so I went to his cupboard and pulled out a hand full of his ties from the back…the ones he doesn't wear anymore. Then I walk to his bed and stand looking at him for a while and I bite on my bottom lip and then reach over and put my hand on his arm. "Aaron?" and then I cross my arms and hug myself.

He opens his eyes and looks up at me and I can see he isn't happy with how I look…and he looks confused. "I was wondering…"

And Hotch pushes up onto his elbows and reaches over and pulls my arm away from my chest. I see him looking at what I have in my hand. I look down at the ties and to Aaron and to the bed. "I was wondering if I could stay with you tonight."

Aaron nods at me. "Of course Spencer…you don't have to be so formal about it…but this?" and he touches his ties. "What is this?"

I swallow and close my eyes and bite on my bottom lip and then walk about the bed and kneel on the space behind Hotch. "I was wondering… If you would tie me up."

The shock is on his face before he can stop it. I know immediately I shouldn't have said anything. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry – I'll go."

"Don't – no Spencer don't go. I'm not going to tie you up though…just stay here with me…keep each other warm." And I am shaking my head and backing away.

"That's not what I want though. I didn't realise it until today…then this happened." I climb back off the bed but leave the ties behind. "And I remembered. I remembered so much." I turn and walk away and I am through his door before he puts a hand on my back.

"Remembered what?" He sounds sad…and I am getting so tired of this walking on egg shells I seem to have to do around him recently…its almost as though if I say or do the wrong thing he will explode. I turn to look at him.

"How I like to make love to."

"By being tied up? By being abused? That's not love."

I rub at my nose and look at him. "It is how I like it Aaron."

"You like to be abused?"

"I just asked you to tie me up Hotch, not abuse me." I begin to turn from him but a hand on my shoulder spins me back to face.

"And next? What is next? Do you forget all the times I saw you in the locker room…do you think I didn't see the marks all over you body? Do you think I'm blind?"

"No Hotch…I don't."

"You let that creep Flanders hit and abuse you and rape you and you won't let me hold you and comfort you?"

and it happened just like that. I don't know how I managed it to be honest…but my fist made contact with his mouth and I knocked him back against the wall. "Don't you ever talk about him like that…You have no idea Hotch…you have not the first clue as to what went on." His hand is to his mouth and he is looking completely shocked. I walk towards him still shouting…trying to get rid of this feeling inside of me. "He loved me…He would die for me Aaron…Would you?" And I am pushing him with my hand on his chest. "I loved him…don't ever talk about him like that again!"

He moves quickly out of my way seeing my anger now and not sure how to deal with it.

"He is gone Spencer….you need to try to move on."

"Why? Why do I need to move on…I need to mourn him Hotch…I need to be allowed to grieve for him without feeling that I am being pitied. It was the life I chose…no one forced it on me."

"I understand…really I understand Spencer…I'm sorry…."

"NO! No you're not sorry." And I walk by him and into his bed room…. "Look…look what is this?" And I pick up a picture of Jack. "I see this when you are screwing me Hotch…I can see your son looking at me….have you moved on? Yes you've moved from Haley to my arse….but you still have a place in your heart for her." I pull open his top drawer and take out the photo of Haley he keeps there. "This! This is moving on?" I wave the photos at him and he is getting closer and trying to take them from me.

"Calm down…calm down Reid."

So I throw them…The one of Haley falls on the floor by the window…the one of Jack smashes against the wall.

And it happens.

He does what all men do to me in the end. They break their promises…they go back on their word…they hurt me…mentally or physically and Hotch's fist makes contact with my jaw and knocks me to the floor.

And it feels so good.

-o-o-o-

I'm whoring regularly in the park now….I don't get much…I offer my arse…I offer my cock…I offer my mouth…Lots of over fed over paid business men….I'm trying to behave. I am still working out what to do. I seem to have lost the card with Prentiss' number on it. I need to find out where Hotchner is. But not yet…I don't feel ready.

It is so damned cold. I am standing under a tree and if I could I would shiver….but I turned that ability off….along with my metabolising and I don't feel too well today…I'm sure I caught something…but not sure what…some kind of cock rot…or arse lesions…I will go and get some nurse to check it out.

Just enough money for a few drinks tonight.

It doesn't look like I'll get anyone else tonight so I walk to the bar just down the road from the shop doorway I have claimed and order my usual gin or two…and it's not enough…I need more but my hands shake too much now…and I cant pick the pockets….A trip to the restrooms gives me the chance to chuck up in the bowl…and wash my face in the cold tap water. Then I look up at my face. I look ill. I've lost weight…that's obvious. I have sores appearing around my nose and at he corners of my mouth….and I stand and just look at myself for a while…

"Shit…this is what it's come down to Floyd?" And I pick at my teeth with my fingernails…the tiny bar or pink soap from next to the taps – I pick it up and write in my fancy writing on the mirror…backwards… Where are you?