Chapter 25

A Letter

The case is unpleasant.

Cleaners always are.

A lot of foot work needed to talk to the people who are potential targets and a lot of notes to be taken and collated and it's soul destroying.

During the morning I called Spencer once. He didn't pick up but that's fine. He said he was going to sleep.

I called again lunch time and she still didn't pick up, but there are always reasons for this…he could have been in the shower. Especially if he'd spent the morning sleeping off whatever went on the night before. Or maybe he had gone for his walk………….?

When I called in the afternoon and he still didn't pick up I decided to go home early.

"Dave." I stand in his door way and look at the pile of paperwork in front of him. "I need to go." He looks up at me and frowns. "I have to check on him Dave." And the frown stays on his face and so I enter his office and close the door behind me. "I need to talk…off the record." And the frown deepens as he picks up his pen and starts to tap it on the desk.

"I'm all ears. What's going on Aaron?"

Pacing the room doesn't seem to relieve the stress and so I sit down on the chair behind his desk. "I got in a fight with Spencer last night." And I can see that slightly amused expression on Dave's face appear.

"We all fight Aaron. You are Haley fought didn't you?" I could see him think about what he just said.

"No Dave…I mean a fight. Spencer hit me…not hard…but enough for me to feel it…and he – provoked me. I hit him back." And now the amused expression was gone. "I knocked him off his feet Dave. I still can't believe I did it. He wanted me to. He was glad I did it."

"Aaron – you are a grown man…and a damned good profiler…you know…you must know what this is about and you must know that this 'relationship'" he gestured with his fingers. "Has to end now."

So I get up and start to pace again… "I need to help him. To get him help, but he won't accept it."

"And you can't force it on him Hotch. Go home and check on him…Call me later…but for god sake get out before he drags you down too. It's already started…when have you ever left work early because someone isn't answering the phone?"

I stop my pacing and look at him. "I don't want to lose him Dave."

He stands up and comes over to me and places a hand on my shoulder. "Did you ever really have him?"

I pull up in my car and the wind in howling and the snow is starting again. It's going to be a cold night and I really hope that the atmosphere at home won't be as frosty as the one outside the car. I hate seeing the house in darkness. It bothers me…yesterday the same thing…and yesterday was bad.

In walk carefully to my front door…the path is icy and the wind is in my face. The key turns in the lock and I enter and dark house again. I turn on the light and look at the blood stain on the floor and at the remains of what was my lounge. Crime scene people left a coat of print dust over nearly ever surface. I need to get someone in to clean it up.

"Spencer?"

But this horrible silence just worries me.

Probably he has done what he said and gone home. He has his own place…There's nothing to stop him…and after last night…..

So I walk down the hallway to his room…and I knock on the door. "Spencer?" I tap lightly. He doesn't answer so I try the handle…the door is locked. "Spencer?" I knock louder, but there is nothing…no sound of movement…just a horrible cold silence….and now panic sets in…in a manly sort of way…I shoulder his door open and it pops open easily, and I am ready to rush in…but the sight in front of me holds me by the door.

He is laying on the bed with his hands and feet tied down. He is in his bathrobe and the sleeves have pushed down to his elbows. I can see deep raw cuts on his arms….His head is to the side looking away from the wall and he has been drooling…His eyes are closed….and I can see the gentle up and down rhythm of his breathing….

I spring into action…

"Spencer!" I kneel down next to him and quickly start to untie his hands from the bed posts….How in hell's name did this happen….why is someone picking on Spencer…what the hell is this all about. As I release his bonds and I roll him onto his side he makes a soft moaning sound.

"Spencer…can you hear me?" I pull my cell phone from my pocket. "I'll get the medics." But a hand reaches over and takes the phone from me.

"No don't." And I look at Spencer who sighs. "I'm fine Hotch…I don't need the medics." And he flips my phone shut.

"Reid…I need to call someone…who did this to you?"

I watch as he pushes up onto his elbows…my cell still held in his hands. "No one…I did it myself." He pulls the tie off from around his neck and I see deep red marks where it had been digging in.

Slowly I take my cell phone away from him and stand. "You did this? You tied yourself up?"

But he sits up properly then slides his legs over the side of the bed. "I knew you wouldn't understand."

"Understand?! How can I possibly understand when you don't talk to me? You don't explain it to me. Why this?" I grab his hand and push back his sleeves….but he just looks blankly at me. "Please Spencer I want to know what is going on in your head…I want to know what I can do to help you."

He pulls his arm from my grasp. "You can't help me. I don't want help. I don't need help! Why do you think I need help? Because I'm not a boring divorcee whose idea of fun is a meal out and a movie?"

As he walks from the room I follow…I know it has fallen apart….I know there is no love in Spencer for me…but still…still I desperately try to hold on to something. "Reid – I will do whatever you ask…just tell me what you need." And maybe that was the wrong thing to say. He turns and with that closed defensive pose of his he looks at me with the biggest most beautifully sad eyes I have ever seen.

"Aaron. I appreciate what you are saying, but you can't give me what I need and I'm not going to ask again. I'm going to pack my things and go home. I don't want to be here living under your rules…being judged by you. I wanted to share…but I can't. There are parts of my life I can't share…and you are not willing to participate in. Those things are part of me Hotch. I need them like you need to be held and loved in a gentle way. I can do that." And he walks to me and reaches out and holds my hands. "I know how to be loving and kind and gentle…but Hotch it's an act…it's not what I am. I don't want to hurt you…I never wanted to hurt you…but this isn't going to work." And he drops my hands and starts to turn.

"Wait…let me have my say too." And I watch with a sick feeling in my stomach as he turns to face me again. "I hit you Spencer…and I will regret that for the rest of my life. I would say sorry again but I don't think you want my apology. We have both lost things we love. We have both been hurt…Spencer we have both been raped. I want to help you. I want to be there for you…if you don't want to share my bed then I understand that…and to be brutally honest Reid, I also find it difficult as you are looking at my picture of Jack…I am looking at you and thinking you need Floyd not me. I think we can help each other…and I think we both need space…but please reconsider leaving….and please no more of these games…not when I'm not here."

And he nods.

"A support group." And I watch as he smiles at me and it fills me with so much joy my head spins…that big wide grin of his is so rare.

"So you will stay…And I promise no more offers of movies and meals out."

And he nods again. "I'll stay…and it really does depend on the movie."

-o-o-o-

This is my problem.

Rephrase.

This is one of my multitude of problems.

I have lost my letter.

And I can't write another.

If it is read aloud to the wrong person they are nulled …I am damned…and I will never be more than I am now…a drunk junky….my words are part of me you see…they need to be with me…I shouldn't have written them down. That was my error…

What I need to do now is to find where Spencer is…and I need to breathe the words over his body. I need to dig him up and breathe over him…and just hope his ashes aren't at sea or in the wind…though…if they are I can do the same thing from the point of origin…from where they stood and cast them…but…I really am hoping for a body. I need to see him…I need to touch him…and I need to breath my words over him.

My next thing to do is to visit the clinic…I'm sure have caught something and if I don't get it treated I wont be earning money…and no money means no booze or dope…and a bit of crack right now would just do the trick…but I don't even have any damned boots on my feet and don't like putting my hands in my empty pockets so I wrap them around myself and walk to the address I remember from the flyer…

It's about a mile away. Not too bad…not on a sunny day with the wind at your back…but today with the howling wind in my face and a fresh lot of snow it's a long fucking walk and I can say truthfully that I have no feeling in my feet now that I am standing in front of the locked doors.

They open again in the morning but for now they are securely locked. I run my fingers over the locks before remembering I am alone now. It's just me – so for now I curl up on the doorstep with my back to the wind and snow and close my eyes…and I think there is a good chance I would die. If I could….but fuck no…can't do that can I? I will just sink lower and become sicker and crippled and end up a fucking nothing…That's what happens when your soul is taken from you.

"Sir?" I hear a voice from somewhere and I pull my legs up tighter. "Sir?" And someone touches my shoulder. "You can't stay here…you'll die in the cold."

So I move so I can see who it is talking to me. A female….in her twenties…a bit too much makeup and lots of blond hair. "I'll be fine." And my voice comes out sorta chattery. "Really I'm waiting for the clinic to open."

And she is shaking her head. "That place wont be open for hours…Christ your feet! Where are you shoes? Did you get mugged?"

"Yeah…I got mugged."

"Did you go to the cops? They will give you a cell for the night you know."

"I think it will be for more than a night sweetheart…I need to be alone OK…now fuck off."

But she sits down next to me. "I've been there you know."

"Where?"

"Where you are."

I nod at her and smile. "You are where I am now too darling...what's your point?"

"No I mean down…real down…on the drugs and drink and shit…I've been there."

"Lovely to know – your understanding and support is very much appreciated. Now fuck off."

And she is rummaging around in her bag. "Let me give you some cash…go get a room and some boots." And she hands me a ten.

Shaking my head now. "I don't want your money girl…just leave me alone."

"Come on…just take it…it's easy money.

So I look at her and look at the money and look at my feet. "I'll not take it…but I'll earn it."

"How?" and she is grinning at me in a very sly fashion.

"I can screw you…or you can blow me…whatever. You say."

And the smile gets bigger. "You think that I want to have something which is probably disease ridden and unwashed in any damned orifice I have?"

She turned me down…the bitch turned me down. "Yes." I reply.

"Look Mister…You can have the money. I don't want your body parts touching mine until you're clean."

She's still holding the money out for me so I reach out and take it from her. "I won't repay this."

"I know."

"I probably get drugs with it."

"I know that too."

The money goes into my pocket. "I was thinking – maybe you could do something else for me?"

And she shakes her head. "No – I don't think so." And she stands up. "Just around the corner is the shelter I work in. Go there now…tell them Laura sent you. They'll fix you up for the night."

"I don't want fucking charity. I need you to do something for me."

"Nu hu…sorry mate…look…you go and do what I said…if you are there in the morning we can talk." And she's walking away from me. "See you tomorrow." And gone.

-o-o-o-

He is desperate to help me.

I know he is.

But I don't know that he can…we sit in the trashed lounge and he is on the couch and I am in the arm chair all squished up and looking at him…and he is looking back. We need to talk.

"I need to get a new job." It seemed like a good place to start. "I have my apartment I need to pay for still…and my wages at the BAU are going to stop."

Hotch nods at me…and I can see a deep sadness behind his eyes. "What sort of thing do you think you want to do?"

"I was doing what I wanted to do Hotch. Is there anything else?" I shrug.

"I'm sorry."

"I can write papers." And I shrug again.

"I can see you working in a candy store."

And I frown at him. "Pardon?"

"Standing all day surrounded by candy bars and soda. I can see that." He smiles at me.

"Hardly going to keep my brain active doing that." I'm confused by this statement.

"No…maybe not….but you'd look cute."

"Oh. You were joking?"

And again it is lost on me completely.

"Only half joking…You would look cute…that bit is true."

I grin at him and sip at my coffee. Then he talks again.

"So Spencer...you said you had a falling out with Floyd." I look at him and nod. "Tell me what happened. So I can try to understand. I know he hurt you. Emotionally hurt you and that is why you had been drinking…I need you to tell me the rest."

I take my glasses off and clean the mist off them that the coffee has created and sigh. "I'll start at the beginning…and don't interrupt me…let me tell it and then you can ask me questions."

"Fire away Spencer." He leans back in a semi relaxed position…but I can see by his hands that he is as stressed as I am.

"In the locker room that Friday…Derek was there…he raped me and I partially enjoyed it. I don't think he expected me to enjoy it, but then people don't expect me to enjoy pain…So I felt bad…I knew I should have fought back a bit more…even though he would have taken my arse if he really wanted to…and he did…so I went for a drink and I drank too much and came home a bit…jolly? If that is the right word…So Floyd can smell it on me…he knows what's happened…and so he knows I didn't fight back…he can see the marks on me are not from fighting…if you get me….and so for payback he goes out and brings a friend home with him…I know him too…He's a friend of both…anyway…he drags me from my bed and sleeps…well not much sleeping going on…but he's there with Ardal."

Hotch is leaning forward now. "Derek raped you?"

"I went back for more…I went to his place and made a move on him….but he told me to leave."

"Why the hell didn't you report this?"

I make myself smaller. "How could I? You didn't know about Floyd…you wouldn't have believed me…who would believe that Derek raped me?" drinking more coffee... "And anyway I enjoyed it. He would have said it was consensual. How could I ever prove it?"

"I would have believed you Spencer."

"Well it happened a long time ago now…it's in the past. I'm moving on as you said I should. He's not coming back and I don't know…I really don't know if I want him back after all this time…not even a letter…Hotch…not even a letter."