Chapter 29

Introductions

I'm just taking my jacket off and hanging it over the back of the chair when the knock comes on the door.

As I walk to the door my hand does a quickly check that my sidearm is in place.

There is no way to check who it is so cautiously I open the door about six inches to see who it is.

A guy is standing there his hands in the pockets of a heavy dark jacket. He is shorter and me by quite a few inches. He has sores of some kind around the edge of his nose and that the corners of his mouth. The darkness under his eyes makes me think he hasn't slept recently or he is ill…

"Hotchner?"

I don't know who the hell the person is and I don't know if I want him to know it is me until I know what he wants.

"Who's asking?"

A hand comes out of his pocket and he extends it out towards me. "Floyd Flanders."

I stand and look at the hand which is pale and the nails which are long but I don't accept the hand.

"What do you want?"

I don't want this man near me. I don't want to have to kill him and if he comes too close that might be the result.

"I need to know where Spencer is."

I nod at him and wonder why the hell he thinks I am going to tell him a thing like that, so I start to close the door. He is fast…his foot is in the way and I slam it against him. I am looking at his face as I do so trying to work out what it is about him that keep Spencer needing him…All I can see is a diseased creep who looks like he has an STD and a need for another hit of something. I do see a look of pain (?) cross his face though.

"I just need to talk…let me explain."

"I said no." and my hand is getting ready to pull the firearm from my holster.

"I need to say goodbye. I need to do this Hotchner. Just let me say goodbye."

"Move your foot." Which he doesn't. Then he says something strange.

"I need to know where he is…just to say the words over him…so he knows what I feel….just tell me where he is. What harm can I do to him now?"

So I let go of the door and listen to him. "Carry on…convince me."

"I loved him."

"You abused him."

"He wanted it!"

I pull the door open to get a better look at his person and I still cant understand what it is about this diseased monster that made Reid want to be with him and to cause so much damage by not being with him.

"You forced it on him Flanders." I snap back at him.

"And you are going to stop me saying goodbye? What the hell harm can I do now? I didn't kill him! He was in your fucking care when he died!"

And I stand and look at the finger now pressed against his chest. He thinks Reid is dead. This is why he hasn't been back for him. Do I tell him…? Do I let him believe he is dead?

"I have nothing to tell you Flanders. Leave now or I will force you to leave."

"I just need to say goodbye to him!" And he is pushing me back with the palm of his hand.

"You are too late!" I snap at him. "If you are after some sort of forgiveness Flanders…something to stop you from feeling guilty then you need to see a priest." I take his wrist and remove it from me…he doesn't resist…his hand drops to his side.

"You will deny me this? I loved him!"

And I am pushing the door closed again. "Yes I will deny you this. Now go…and don't come back…next time I wont be so polite."

"Fuck you!" And he steps back… "He was mine! I loved him…you can't do this!" He is talking with venom in his voice and nasty cold tone I am sure that Spencer heard many times.

"He's not yours now. Get out…go away…see a counsellor…I can't help you."

"You have no idea what you are doing!"

"I have a damned good idea. I am protecting some one I love. Now go…show your face here or near me again and things will get nasty." I want to warn him to watch his back…tell him to stay out of the gay areas…beware of the UnSub. I don't like this man…there is nothing about him I like. He has damaged Spencer probably beyond repair, but somehow I don't wish him dead…I just wish him gone.

And I stand and watch him back away a bit and nod at me…He lifts a finger and points at me. "I will be back.

………….If he says more I don't know…I slam the door and put the lock across. I realise that staying here tonight will be a bad idea. I need to be where it is busier or at least where there are more people…I grab my phone and dial Dave's number…and watch Flander's retreating back from the crack in the drapes and wonder again what it was Reid saw in that strange man….and also could I keep him away. Should I keep him away….did I have a right to keep him away from Reid?

-o-o-o-

He is keeping something from me. I know that much.

I can see it in his body language. I can smell the chemicals on his skin. He knows something. Something he is keeping from me and I'm not sure what it is. I need to think. I need to find somewhere to hole up and get my brain working properly again.

There is this idea I have and so I start to walk back to the hospital. Not for treatment…Not because I am in pain…even though I am…but I know there is a ready supply of pain relief for these damned feet of mine. There is no way I am going back to the shelter to be treated like some stray dog. Or Diseased rat.

Around the back of the hospital is a small entrance which leads down to a boiler room and so this is direction I make my way in now. I keep to the shadows as now it is cold and snowing and I am tired. Tried of feeling empty and tired of feeling alone.

Pathetic.

I know I am….

But I've always had Spencer…and now I have nothing.

So I will take time to work out what to do next…how to make Hotchner tell me what I need and how to satisfy what I need now.

And now I need to be numb. I need to get away from this shit and so this is what I am going to do….

………….don't wander off…stay and listen to me…….Once through these doors……See easy to open….and down these stairs I am in the main boiler room for the hospital. This place is old…not hugely old but old enough for my needs…As technology moves on you need less space for the same things…therefore this vast underground area the hospital once had for heating and plumbing and such like is hardly used….just this one room…and I can bypass it quickly and easily and be through here and out the other side before you can blink. This door on the other side….this corridor leading into darkness…and now down this side route. These pipes which once chugged and filled with steam are now empty and silent…this is good…this is how I want it. Down the end here…right at the darkest end and around the final corner and down the last flight of stairs I finally find what I need. And empty alcove. Somewhere to lay down…Somewhere I can light a lamp and no one will ever know. Some where to bring something or someone back to and have fun…or lunch. Somewhere to begin my life again.

I need Spencer.

I need him more than life.

I would die for him…..but you know that. I tried….and the fates sent me back again….It's not time….not my time…it wasn't his either.

So I sit on an old wooden bench in the back of this small area and take my boots off and look at my feet and close my eyes and wish I had thought about going up to the pharmacy first and getting a supply. I'm still not sure I can do it you see.

My gift for getting anything and everything in life I want without asking or any effort seems to have been put on hold…and until I get Spencer's location then I can't carry on. And I cant get that without tearing Hotchner apart. I realise that now. I think he realises that now too….and I might have to go back on an old promise. Now I am going to do that thing I never used to do…and I am going to sleep….and in the morning I will try to get some meds from upstairs. Shouldn't be too hard. I hope.

-o-o-o-

They have transferred me.

I'm not going to die. But I will take a while to recover. They need to keep up intense physical therapy and get my lungs working properly again. I don't think it will work. Every breath feels like a dozen knives stabbing into me…

So here I am. I have my own room and en suite bathroom and at least doesn't look like a hospice. It does smell of a hospitals though…you know that special smell they always have. I sit here…I'm not permitted to go anywhere unless I am in a wheel chair and with someone. I'm not permitted to go walking alone….HA! I'm not permitted to go walking period. Strapped to the chair I am sitting in is a big tank of oxygen and a mask next to my hand.

Easy to reach.

In case I need it.

When my lungs refuse to work properly.

And this isn't where I want to spend the rest of my life.

Sleeping with this contraption over my face into eternity isn't my idea of the best of fun…and Hotch's joke about working in a candy store suddenly seems like it might be real.

I have such a fury inside my heart that I want to scream, but I don't think I have the energy anymore to do it…or the will. I am meant to be getting better, but this is going to take a very long time if ever and maybe I don't want to now.

"Time for your medication Dr Reid."

And I sigh and let them put morphine into the needle permanently embedded into the back of my hand. I look at it and wonder how much pain I would be in if I wasn't given this stuff every hour or so….I've tried to keep count of how often but my eyes wont let me keep up with the clock and my mind cant keep up with my eyes with all this rubbish swimming around in my veins.

And I want Floyd.

……………….I know………….I am aware of what he did that last day I saw him….but you don't know him like I do. Do you?

You've never felt those strong hands protectively holding you offering you anything they can give. You've never felt that warmth radiating from his hands and heart. You've never experienced that and that is what makes me need him. Even after what he did…none of us are perfect.

I'm not making excuses for him….its' true…

This place I am in now is attached to the hospital but runs separately…it finances differently. I am going to have to pay for this some how and my insurance will only cover it for so long. I have a feeling this is long term….

This – this – excuse me…

I am coughing up junk from my lungs….it is never ending….the more I bring up the more that seems to want to gather there. It never stops. As soon as they suction one lot of gunk up the next lot begins to fill.

I sit in my chair wheezing like an old man and wonder what will happen….and I know…I think I know that I will end up dead or needing a transplant.

Correction.

I will definitely end up dead. That's not an outcome I am willing to accept.

………………slowly the drug calms down the pain….but the coughing carries on. A nurse is there a hand on the back of my neck as I am bent forward trying to free myself of the deadly fluids building up again already.

"Take it easy Spencer." She says… "Deep breaths." And I try but they just come as short panicked ones and so she kneels in front of my chair and takes my hands which are gripping so hard onto the fabric of my trousers and she holds them gently. "Relax Spencer." She says in a quiet calm voice. And slowly I do…gradually the breaths become deeper and slowly the panic dies down as the shaking starts and I want to grab for oxygen but the nurse wont let go of my hands. "You don't need it Spencer. Sit back and relax." So I let my back rest against the back of they chair I am sitting in and I close my eyes and tip my head back slightly and pull the air in and hold her hands tightly to remind me I am not alone.

That is the worst part…..

………….Now

at night time I am alone in my room with fresh air being pumped across my face so I don't stop breathing in my sleep I wonder is today is my final day. My last sleep.

So I close my eyes as my lastest dose of morphine hits my system and takes away the pain in my chest and I fight the sleep I am feeling coming. I don't want to sleep. I don't want today to be my last ever day…but I cant stay awake. I feel my eyes closing and my tense body relaxing as I slide down into a deep dreamless sleep.

-o-o-o-

So here I am standing at the bottom of the stairs and there is something telling me that this is right…this is the way to go and I'm not sure why or what it is. I walk slowly up the stairs from the other end of the boiler room…a long way from where I have made my home and at the top of the stairs is a small area with a board upon the wall covered in writing…Life would be easier if my eyes could focus properly…if my feet didn't kill me…If I didn't feel like killing someone. Yes like would be so much easier…I cant read the fucking writing. It's a smudgy blur so I ignore it and look out for security cameras of which there appear to be none. I carefully push open the door and step out into the dimly lit hallway. It is a passageway with doors along either side…and silent…oh so silent….so carefully I close the door behind me and glance to my left…and then my right…and it is to my right I move off into first.

Careful Floyd…you can do without being caught now….The first door it into an office. There is a window looking out onto the passageway and the lights are off. Quickly I open the door and slide in. On the back of the door is a white doctors coat and on the desk a chip board as handy prop and something to throw if I need to distract. Then head up I leave the room and walk down the passage looking for somewhere I can get what I need.

Each door has a name on it…and the writing is a blur as I reach the first I can't read it until my nose is pressed right up close to the door. 'Lucy Masters' I push the door open and look. The room has a young woman in it. She is sleeping. There are no drips or bottles or anything and so I bend down and kiss her gently or the forehead….you know…just so I know she had a lucky day…just to prove to me that I can have a good side.

I do have a good side.

I just keep it buried.

I don't like to show it. People will take advantage of it.

I leave as quietly as I entered…and think Lucy is one helluva lucky girl.

The next room housed Lance Grogan. I open the door quickly again and enter…

He has a drip in his arm and he is laying there looking at me. "Night check." I say to him, and walk to the drip. I peer blindly at the tiny marks showing the amount of chemical being dripped into this blood. I turn and walk away. "Good night." I say as I open the door. He doesn't answer me.

"Shit. This isn't going to be as easy as I thought it would be….breaking into the pharmacy would have been easier.

The next room. Dorothy Woods…no drugs available and now I am chancing my luck…

"Shit. Why don't any of you bitches have morphine?"

I leave the room quickly again.

I cross over and walk in without looking at the name. A drip.

I walk to it and look….I decide I will detach it from the person sleeping and take the needle administering it….sod disease and whatever….second hand needle will have to do. Quickly I put clip board on the bed and unhook the bag of chemicals from the stand. I shove it into one of the big pockets on the white coat and turn to remove the needle from the back of the hand.

And there is.

At first I'm not sure what it is I am looking at…Just laying there on the white cotton sheeting. I know that hand. Slowly my eyes move up the length of the arm until I can see the first small curl of hair…and I think my heart is going to stop.

My eyes slowly move across to the face…and there he is.

Laying there.

Sleeping.

"Spence?"

I put the bag hurriedly back onto the hook and turned back to make sure I had seen what I thought I had.

"Spencer?" I whisper again…and gently push hair off his face. He has a thing strapped under his nose passing air over his face. He is still sleeping. So carefully I bend down and run my tongue over his lips. "Babe." Still keeping my voice low but now my hands are gently on his shoulders giving him the gentlest of shakes. "Babes – please wake up." This dark light is giving me a headache and in turn it's making my eyes water. "Babes." I sit on the bed next to him and run my hands over his arms and across his face and he is here.

I can say the words to him…

"Shit." He's not dead.

"Babes – I need to say that you are my life. You are my reason for living. You are the only thing I have ever really wanted and will ever need. Without you I am nothing. I am worthless. I'm sorry."

Again I kiss him gently on the lips. "I'm so sorry." I whisper my words so quietly suddenly afraid I will awaken him. "You are alive Spence."

And I feel my soul pouring back into me. My life coming back….and I know I can cure Spencer and then I will go and rip Hotchner to shreds. Him and that whore Prentiss.

Until then.

I lay down on the bed behind Spencer and gently roll him over onto his side. I wrap my arms and legs around him and kiss him gently on the back of his neck. "I'm here for when you wake up again babes."