Title: The Babysitter

Author: Azure K Mello

Part: 17?

Pairing: Angel/Spike

Rated: R

Type: AU

Summery: Xander spills the beans. We find out what Spike really means. Spike comes clean.

Thank you to snowpuppies for the plot bunny inspired by On the Other Side. I loves that story. I loves the angst.

Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS.

Angel carried the tired boy up the stairs. Jesse's mother had picked the boy up hours before and Xander was as floppy as a rag doll. But bedtime was always a struggle with the boy, often tearful always reluctant. So Angel tried to make it a calm, pleasant experience. He always took the boy up early and walked slowly up the stairs as they discussed the myriad of photos on the stairwell wall.

He noticed one that was new to him. A stunning girl was holding a newborn while a dark-haired Will Stood behind her looking happier than Angel had ever seen him. "Who's she?" he asked pointing to it with his chin.

"Tha's Drusiwa. She was Will's gi'lfriend fers a long time."

"Was she nice?"

"She dieded, I don't 'member her."

"How did she die?" asked Angel swallowing a lump in his throat.

"She was a swayer, the vamp-res gotted her. She was special. She gotted vis-ons. But she was called as the swayer and the Conswa didn't finded her fast 'nough. The vamp-res gotter there first. They kilt her mummy and daddy and they reapt her in a field and thens her vis-ons got scarier."

Angel felt ill. There was a Xander word for rape? A word that was applicable to Will's girlfriend? "Then what happened?" for once the college boy wasn't egging Xand on.

"She camed and wived wiv us. But she was crazy 'cause of the vamp-res. But nice crazy. And she and Will loveded each ofer very much and she called Will Spike 'acause he's always so spikey- all happy an' sad. Mummy and Dada askeded why we calls him tha'. Buts Will never tol' 'em. Liz tolds me. Then she dieded."

Xander told the story like he told all his stories, with rapt glee at the adventure he was relaying. "And how do you know all of this?" Angel asked hoping that the boy would tell him that he had been watching it unfurl from his position on a spaceship, hoping Xander was lying. All the while he felt like he was somehow outside of his body, watching, nightmare like.

"Mummy and Dada talks about it sometimes when they thinked I was 'sleep. But I wasn't 'sleep!" he sounded so proud and Angel tried to smile.

Xander got tucked into bed with his hippo and sucked his thumb as Angel read him a story. The college boy laid with him until he fell asleep and then he walked calmly to the bathroom and threw up. He washed his face but could still tasted the acrid flavour behind his nose. He rinsed his mouth twice and glanced into the looking glass. All he saw was a pale, scared boy. But this wasn't his past to freak out over. He wasn't allowed to be frightened or horrified by it because soon Will was coming home. And Will had promised to tell him about everything. And Angel was going to have to act as though it were the first time he had heard the story. And he would have to be strong and hold the boy. Staring at himself in the mirror he tried to school his expression into something normal, relaxed.

As he left the bathroom he wanted nothing more than to sink into the couch and not think about anything until Will came home. But as he passed, Buffy's door swung open. "Don't you love Xander's stories?" she asked with a falsely light smile. Angel would have loved to have allowed himself to believe her.

But instead he just studied her and said softly, "Vampires are real, slayers are real, and Xander wasn't lying."

"Will told you?" she asked looking scandalized.

"No, I knew long before I met your family." He looked at his watch, "It's time for bed. Good night, Liz, sleep well."

She smiled maliciously and he could see the wheels turning in her head. "After she died he started hanging out with all the druggies."

"He was grieving," Angel shrugged.

"No," she looked gleeful. But the look didn't become her as it did Xander, "He was a junkie. That's why we had to leave England."

It was like a slap in the face. He knew that she hated her brother but to make up such an atrocious story was sick. Did she so badly want them to brake up? What she didn't realize was that it didn't matter. Nothing she could do or say would make him look at Will any differently. "Goodnight, Elizabeth."

Walking into his house Will saw Angel sitting on the couch gazing off into space. "How was your jam session?" Angel asked sounding someone dead. The kids could exhaust anyone.

Will smirked, "Jam session? The kids today are calling it rehearsal. We got nothing done. Wes and Gunn just argued. Kids in bed?"

"Just you and me," said Angel with a tired nod as the boy flopped down beside him. "So," his voice wasn't casual, though it was clearly trying to be. "What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

He'd been thinking about it all night; he was positive Angel was going to dump him. So he had a plan: he would dump Angel instead. He couldn't bear to expose himself and get kicked. "I know it was unfair of me to ask you to stay home the other night. My first girlfriend was a slayer. I watched vampires murder her. We went out for Indian food one night. We did a sweep of a graveyard on the way home. And we were surrounded by at least forty vamps. I couldn't get to her. They held me. They didn't even have the good grace to kill me too. They turned her as I watched and tried to make her feed off of me. But she, she wanted Xander. The vamps thought it was funny. But I guess it wasn't entertaining enough because they gave me a stake and let me go and told me to stake her. I couldn't. I, I," he caught his breath "I knew she wasn't my girlfriend, but she was still warm, she was wearing the perfume I gave her for her birthday. I couldn't ram a piece of wood through her," he breathed slowly in and out trying to stop his tears, "so I just ran. I was on track at school and I flat out ran and I guess they let me go, because I couldn't have outrun them. I'm sorry, but I can't lose someone else that I care for to them."

"Ok," said Angel simply.

"Ok?" asked Will not sure of the meaning.

Angel shrugged, "I'll stop."

"I can't ask you to do that."

"So what are you saying?" Will sat silently examining his hands and horror swept over Angel's face, "Don't dump me."

"Were we dating?" Will asked but then quickly shook his head. "You don't have to stay here. I understand your wanting to leave. I can take care of the kids. I'm sorry, Angel."

Angel shook his head slowly, "I'm not going home and you're not dumping me."

"I can't ask you to stop hunting."

"You didn't ask me. I hate to say it, and sound crass, but my family's dead, they're not coming back, no amount of vengeance can bring them back to me. I like you, Will, you make me happy. I haven't been happy in a very long time."

Suddenly Will was frightened. Angel was gonna dump him when Spike told him the whole truth. He was gonna be honest and get kicked for it. "There's a lot you don't know about me."

"It doesn't matter-"

Will interrupted him wanting the pain to be over as quickly as possible, "I'm a junkie! After Dru died I was strung out for months. And I got all these piercing, and I put on all this make-up, and dyed my hair and filled my veins up with smack. And, and, god!" he laughed a breathy laugh in bitter recollection, "I've never seen my parent's so disappointed. Don't give up your whole world for me. I'm not worth it, Angel, I'm a loser." If he destroyed himself Angel would have nothing to add, couldn't make him feel any smaller than his own words already had. "We moved here, not to get away from Drusilla's ghost, but from my dealers. My friends." He saw the shock and horror with Angel's eyes and misread it as disgust. He didn't know that Angel was just stunned that Liz hadn't been lying. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. I lo-" he cut himself off, "I like you. I wanted to tell you after the club on Saturday but the way you were looking at me made me feel so good. And when you touched me I forgot about the past. I felt beautiful. It wasn't until we were in the shower and you touched my arms that I remembered. And we were making plans for lunch; it felt nice and domestic. I should have told you. I mean, god, it's sick. I'm sitting here justifying lying to you by saying that it was something you did. Like my cowardice is somehow your fault for treating me nicely. I'm a pathetic bastard. You had the right to know about the disgusting -thing- you were bathing with-"

"You are not disgusting, you're beautiful," Angel said with conviction.

Will looked up briefly, confused by the other boy's words when he knew that Angel had to be repulsed by him but he continued, "My friends were educated and rich. We never shared needles or spoons. You can't catch anything from me. But I should have told you. I'm sorry. You honestly don't need to stay. You can leave. I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I'll leave you alone." He had no plans for asking the boy for forgiveness as he was too afraid it wouldn't be granted, too afraid Angel might laugh at him like Larry or Cecily. He got up to leave the room but Angel grabbed him by the hips and pulled him back down on the couch.

Will's head was stooped and he looked dejected as he sat rubbing his inner arms, a nervous habit Angel had noticed before. There were slight scars marring his inner elbow. "You've been given a second chance here. You've been clean for, what? Two years?" Will nodded. "And you didn't catch anything?" Will nodded. "So this could have had much worse consequences. Don't throw this away. Don't throw me away."

Will's head shot up and he stared in wonderment at the boy. All he saw was Angel looking scared, scared that Will would force him to leave. There was no disgust or hatred or pity. There was want, and fear, concern. "I love you, Angel," he whispered before he could think to stop himself.

Shock washed over the dark haired boy, "No one's ever. . . not like. . . I mean." His flustered state made it practically impossible for him to tell Will that he had never heard those words from a lover before.

Will understood the boy's confusion. Sliding into Angel's lap with a worn laugh he said, "It only seems fair I get to be your first for something. You're my first in almost everything." He dropped his head onto Angel's shoulder and focused on breathing evenly. He was exhausted, and confused, and the college kid smelled so damn good.

The boy in his arms was gray, shaking, and covered with a sheen of sweat. Angel realized how hard it must have been for Will to tell the truth. He had some secrets that he couldn't imagine telling his lover, he was still too scared, maybe someday, the same day he would be able to tell Will he loved him without having to be afraid. He was touched by the boy's honesty; amazed by his bravery. "You should go to bed."

"Come with me?" he asked.

Tensing slightly Angel said, "Is that really a good idea?"

"I'm not asking you to fuck me 'til I scream and wake my siblings." He smiled slightly, "Mum didn't put any towels in the spare room."

Confused Angel had no idea what Will was trying to say, "I know where the linen closet is."

"That doesn't matter. If she thought you were gonna sleep in there she would have left towels. They didn't expect you to sleep there. No one cares."

"Your siblings?"

"Xander likes that we're together and I don't care what Liz thinks. Please come to bed?"

Angel let Will lead him upstairs turning out the lights and grabbing his overnight bag ass they went. Fiddling with his keys Will leaned against the door, kissing Angel and unfastening the locks all at once. They fell through the doorway both laughing into the other's mouth. Relocking the door took milliseconds for Will's skilled hands and then he turned his attention back to the older boy. Stripping each other's many layers with slow, warm touch they couldn't help but laugh again. It was all so foreign, slow, and innocent when compared to the encounters they had shared before. Biting his lip Will looked at the floor. He was as nervous as all hell. Before he had been some boy, not Angel's boyfriend. Before Angel hadn't known about Dru, or the drugs, or anything. It had been sex. This was real; they were playing for keeps.

Watching the blond Angel could see the tension in all of the boy's lines. Angel kissed the boy's face softly as he pulled Will's belt off. The tight jeans rolled off his hips under the pressure of Angel's hands. "So beautiful," Angel whispered happily as Will kicked off his trousers. Standing naked Will smiled slightly, ducking his head further. He felt foolish being bare while Angel was still practically fully clothed save for shoes and sweater. His warm fingers made short work of the dark clothes Angel was so fond of.

The older boy turned Will's face up towards him and smiled. Taking his hand Angel pulled his lover into the adjoining bathroom. He locked the doors swiftly. One led to Buffy's room, one to the hall and one back into Will. Having shut off all exits Angel flipped on the harsh lights. The stark lighting hurt blue eyes. And he watched as Angel turned on the water and tested it to feel when it got warm. The college boy pulled his boyfriend in front of himself. Studying Will in the mirror Angel started to wash the boy's face gently. When he was finished he turned the taps off and stood silently staring at his boy in the reflection. "What?" asked Will laughing.

"So beautiful," repeated Angel. Will laughed but Angel shook his head seriously. "You're the best man I've ever met." He slid his hands over the tracks that covered Will's arms. He held the boy gently so that he couldn't shy away. "You're good, and kind, and sweet, and funny, and clever. You're just beautiful. Fucking hot," he whispered the last words with hot breath into Will's ear.

Will smiled and craned his neck to kiss Angel slowly. He felt lighter than he had in a long time. It was good that Angel knew everything. He felt safe and clean with the older boy. His boyfriend. Unlocking the doors he led Angel back into his room. The older boy paused to relock the door: he didn't want Buffy to come in. He stopped abruptly when he noticed Will's bed. A four poster, huge, dark wood bed sat in the corner. A lace canopy stretched over the top.

"Funky bed," he laughed.

Will laughed throatily as he pulled Angel along. "Dru brought it with her from her house. She willed it to me."

"Would she mind me sleeping in it?" asked Angel softly.

"She'd like you," Will said as he climbed in to said bed. "Knowing her?" he asked with a knowing, fond laugh, "She have wanted to tape us having sex, and sell it on the internet, and then climb in with us."

Angel laughed too as he slid in next to his boy and pulled the blond into his arms. And as he drifted off he was struck by how nice it was to have someone to sleep with. Just sleep, with nothing else.