A/N: I know, it's been a bit since I updated this, but…well, I hope it's worth the wait. BTW: I do not own the song presented in this chapter. It is Black Sunday (the namesake of this fic) by Cold. I hope you enjoy the chapter. As always, reviews are addicting and make my life. BTW: My b-day was yesterday, so the best way to make my week better is to leave me love through reviews ;) J/K…kind of. Reviews are life. Enjoy the chapter! I hope you like it!
Chapter 4
Falling
Hours turned into days.
Falling
Days slowly turned into weeks.
Falling
Weeks are slowly turning into months.
Falling
The pain didn't get easier.
I can't breath at all
Every time the phone rang, I would answer it thinking his voice would be on the other end. Every time I went to bed, I expected to wake up with his arms around me.
It hurts to think
It hurt to breath. To remember him and me and to remember our last few days together. Every day, I cried. Every day I wished he would walk through that door.
That time could
What was the hardest? That his body has never been found. The police had stopped looking months ago. It has been four months, 14 days, 5 hours, and 13 minutes since the accident happened. And they still didn't have a body.
Heal my wounds
It gave me hope and made me feel hopeless all at the same time. I know this isn't healthy. I know I should move on. That he'd want me to. But I can't.
"Jude?" I looked over at my sister, I knew what was coming. I could hear her and Kwest talking. I knew what they were planning. But I couldn't let them. I still held hope.
"Yeah Sades?"
"Honey, I…I can't imagine how you feel." She started and I felt tears sting my eyes.
"No Sadie, you can't." I told her, sounding harsher than I intended, but it was true.
Feeling I've been betrayed
"Jude,"
"No. Sadie, I can't." I said, my voice breaking from emotion.
"Jude, honey, you need to let go." She told me, her eyes sympathetic. "I know that you're hurting, but honey, a service might help you"
"NO!" I yelled at Sadie. "No, Sadie. Don't you get it?" I asked her, shaking my head. "I can't."
"Jude, it's been four months."
Black Sunday still burns you in my thoughts
"Sadie, he's not dead to me. He's not." I told her, tears stinging my eyes.
"Jude-"
"No, Sadie. You don't get it." I told her, shaking my head. "I'd know it if he was dead. I'd feel it."
"Jude, it's not"
"Sadie…" I sighed. "I can't explain this.
I can't sleep at all
"Jude…"
"It's a feeling. I know it's not…not logical. But Sadie, I could always feel him. We didn't have to be in the same room for me to know he was there. I would KNOW it if he was dead." I insisted and Sadie's eyes just got sympathetic.
"Jude, you're not the only one hurting." She said, sounding slightly harsh and I looked shocked at her. "Maybe other people need this. Even if you don't." She said, getting up from her seat across from me and leaving the room. I sighed and closed my eyes.
Now you're gone away
He's not dead. I thought to myself. He's not. I'd feel it. I told myself, not sure if I was trying to reassure myself or thinking a fact.
--------2 Months Later--------
6 Months. 9 hours. 45 minutes. That's how long it's been since the accident that took my husband away from me.
I can't fake this anymore
I was sick of putting on a game face for everyone. For Sadie, for Kwest, for the studio, for Briana, and for anyone else. I was sick of getting calls from reporters. I was tired of living. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Guess I could blame it all
I didn't want to forget. I didn't want to move on. I felt ashamed when I laughed. I felt ashamed when I found I was having fun without him. I was ashamed I couldn't look my daughter in the eyes because her eyes were identical to Tommy's.
On God's game
I closed my eyes and I could still feel his lips on mine. I could remember how I felt when he touched me. How I felt when we were together. I felt empty without him.
Or explain what my life's for
I felt caged in my house. Briana was spending the night at a friends house and I was alone for the first time since the accident. I sighed and grabbed my coat. I was restless and I couldn't stay in the house. I couldn't stay here with his memory.
Caught in a winters rain
I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep them warm. I had my hood pulled over my head in an attempt to keep myself dry as I walked through the cold winter rain that was plaguing the Toronto Area.
I can't remember a word you said
Try as I might, I couldn't remember one conversation. I could remember his scent. I could remember his touch. I could remember the sound of his laugh and the way his breath tickled my skin. I could remember him.
Take away my fear
I didn't like the feeling that I was forgetting him. I felt tears sting my eyes. No, I can't forget. I won't forget. I thought as tears fell down my face. I sniffed as I tried to remember anything.
Please hold on to me
But nothing came. I felt hopeless. I felt more alone than I ever did. I could feel my legs shake and my heart grow heavy. No. I wasn't supposed to forget. I couldn't forget.
I'm falling
I pulled out my cellphone and dialed a number and waiting impatiently while it rang.
"Hello?"
"S-sadie?"
"Jude? Where are you?" She asked and I looked around, not really knowing. I didn't know how far I walked or how far. I just knew that I had to do this.
"I…I don't know." I answered, sniffling slightly. "Listen, Sades, I…" I felt tears falling faster down my face. "I…I'm…I think I'm ready." I said, sniffing.
"Jude, you're never going to be ready." She said, sounding sympathetic. I let out a bitter laugh, my breathe visible in the cold.
"As ready as I'll ever be." I said, closing my eyes and biting back a sob.
"I'll start getting some information together." Sadie said and I nodded, not really thinking I was on the phone. "Jude, are you ok?" Sadie asked and I sighed.
"Yeah." I said, sounding better than I thought I would. I hung up with Sadie and let out a sob. My hand slipped out of my pocket and came over my mouth.
"I'm sorry Tommy." I said, falling down to my knees, sobs wrecking my body. "I'm so sorry." I managed to say between sobs.
Falling
--------A Month Later--------
I will trade it all
I sat in the church, feeling numb. Sadie had organized the full memorial service, and I had to admit, she did a great job. It was Tommy's closest friends and coworkers. No reporters. Nothing too fancy.
For another day
I was numb. I didn't feel anything. Briana sat next to me, looking upset. My daughter has been eerily understanding of Tommy's fate. I think part of that had to do with Sadie.
Just to feel you and your warmth
Kwest was up at the podium, telling some story about Tommy that had him smiling through his tears. I didn't hear it. I would have loved to listen, but I couldn't. I couldn't believe that I was here. I keep expecting to wake up and this is all a dream.
But even pictures fade
I couldn't take my eyes off of the pictures that were placed around the alter Sadie had set up. Pictures of Tommy from various moments in his life. My eyes wouldn't leave the one of us at our wedding. God we looked so happy. So…in love.
Black Sunday still burns you in my thoughts
I remember feeling invincible. That nothing could take us apart. We had beaten everything. But apparently, we couldn't beat death. Tears blurred my vision at the thought and I closed my eyes to contain myself.
I can't see at all
I missed him. I wanted this to be a dream. I felt my daughter's small hands tug at my arm.
Did you fly away
I looked over at her and her bright blue eyes looked up at me questioningly.
Did the stars shine bright for you
"Mommy," She said, her voice quiet.
"Yes Bri?" I asked.
Guess I could blame it all
"Is Daddy with the angels?" She asked me, and I felt my heart clench at the words. I was speechless. Where did she…?
on God's game
"Yeah Sweetie." I said, ruffling her hair. "Daddy's in heaven." I said, tears falling down my face. Saying the words seemed to make it more…official.
It was fate that carried you
I felt a hand on my arm and I looked over to see Mason giving me a sad look. I smiled gratefully at him and held my daughter through the rest of the ceremony.
Caught in a winters rain
I was going to raise my daughter. I was going to make sure she remembered her Dad and knew how great he was. I had been being unfair to her since the accident. But I was going to change that.
I can't remember a word you said
I felt…oddly, better after the ceremony. I felt more…at peace. I can't explain it. I still didn't believe he was dead. I still felt lonely, I felt lost. I felt like my life was over.
Take away my fear
But I felt stronger at the same time. I felt like I could overcome this. I could get past it and raise my daughter.
Please hold on to me
I kissed the top of Briana's head and pulled her closer to me.
I'm falling
At least I still had part of him.
Falling
The minister asked if anyone else had anything left to say, and the whole place was silent.
You always take away
Sadie had arranged for an empty coffin to be placed in the cemetery and we got the cue to head to the cemetery.
Take away
I held Briana's hand as we walked to my car.
"Jude?" I stopped and saw Mason trying to catch up to me. I stopped and let him catch up. "Want some company?" He asked and I nodded. He smiled kindly at me and Briana giggled at the cowboy hat on his head. I had to agree with my daughter though. A suit and cowboy hat did look silly, but only Mason could pull something like that off.
"Come on cowboy." I said, trying to sound light, but I couldn't. I was burying my husband's empty coffin for crying out loud.
We made it to the cemetery without any further incidents. We walked over to where the gravesite would be, a place I helped Sadie find. We all gathered around and Mason stood with me and Briana. I could see Sadie and Kwest across from me. Sadie holding onto Kwest in a sign of comfort.
Take away
We watched as the empty coffin was lowered into the ground. The minister said more words and the whole process was over.
"Jude?" I looked over and saw Chaz Blackburn standing just to the right of me. Chaz and Tommy had become friends again after the charity event that Chaz had asked us to be apart of. "I'm sorry for your loss." He said, hugging me.
"Thanks Chaz." I said, smiling thankfully at him. He nodded to me and looked down at Briana.
"Hey Kiddo." He greeted and Briana grinned up at him. Before anything else could be said, a light rain began to fall on us.
Caught in a winters rain
"You ever need anything…" Chaz started to say and I cut him off.
"Thanks Chaz."
"I mean it, Jude. Anything at all, you call me. Don't hesitate." He told me, his tone and eyes more serious than I ever saw on Chaz Blackburn's face.
"I will."
"That goes for me too." Mason told me and I sighed. The place was clearing out because of the rain starting.
I can't remember a word you said
"Come on, let's go before we get soaked." Chaz said, taking my hand.
"I…" I looked over at the empty grave and sighed. "Can you…take Briana to the car you guys? I just…I want to be alone for a moment." I asked them. Chaz and Mason nodded their understanding and Briana went willingly with the pair.
Take away my fear
I took a deep breath and let it out. I closed my eyes and just let myself feel.
Please hold on to me
I let myself just drift away. Just zone out.
I'm falling
I opened my eyes slowly, and I looked down at the grave.
Falling
I can't explain the feeling, but something felt so off about this.
And I'm falling…
Like this wasn't right.
I'm falling…
"Please, God…"
I'm falling
"Don't let this end like this." I said and sighed as I turned around and went to leave.
I'm falling
I froze in my tracks, overwhelmed by a sudden thought. By a feeling that I couldn't explain.
I'm fallen
"He's still alive." I whispered to myself, taking one last look over my shoulder at the grave and then walking over to my car where my daughter and friends awaited.