Apparently the Leeches have an entire room for makeovers. Or at least, they have a room that they let Alice turn into a makeover room. It looks like she has taken every single one of those boxes she showed me a few months ago and poured their contents onto one of the counters in here. There is a giant mirror, with lights around it. And countless outlets above the counters, so she can plug in all of her hair-doing appliances.
I'm stunned, but then, I probably shouldn't be.
"Leah, you aren't struggling," she says, mouth full of bobby pins.
"Should I be?"
"Well, Bella always used to freak out whenever I did her hair and makeup. Oh!" she squeals, "I haven't had this much fun in years! You should come over and do this more!"
"Uh, like, between patrols?"
"Yes!" she pauses, "Why do you still have patrols? There aren't roving bands of vampires in the area,"
"You don't know that, Alice. My pack and I destroyed your cousin yesterday, actually."
"Oh, really? Well, I am sure he was a jackass."
"Total jackass. He was drinking the blood of young virigns. No, actually, the reason we go on patrols is so that we can feed Jacob's ego," I smirk as I say this. "You know, if Sam's Pack is doing stuff, our Pack has to do stuff… plus, if we don't phase, we age." Alice nods, thoughtfully, while she brushes out my hair.
The door to what I shall forever think of as 'The Makeover Room' opens and Bella peaks her head in. "Leah, you aren't struggling," she says. "Did they sedate you? They were always threatening to sedate me."
"No, but hey, if you guys wanna dope me up before the wedding, I think you should." I tell them. And they both laugh. Huh. Did not know Bella had a sense of humor. I think about telling her that and decide not to. Hell, if things keep going the way they are with Mom and Charlie, Bella could be my stepsister.
Oh, God.
Or, if Jacob and Nessie get married, and I am out of town or something and am not able to commit double-homicide via cliff, and I do imprint on their baby, then Bella could be my grandmother.
Or both could happen.
Wow, Forks and La Push are getting kind of inbred. I'll have to tell my baby bro to imprint on someone from far, far away.
"Your hair is so beautiful," coos Bella. I smile at her in the mirror. It's a reflex, okay? I didn't plan it. But then Alice smiles at me in the mirror, and I realize, Alice is so freakin' nice all the time, to everyone, that if I refrain from beating the hell out of Bella a bit, if it makes Alice happy, then it's okay.
"Thanks," I say.
"It's like Jake's." Yes, Bella, because Jake and I are the same ethnicity. "I always liked Jake's hair."
Alice's eyes catch mine in the mirror and she gives me a look that says, "I haven't told her that you fantasize about Jake's abs and that you want to steal her daughter's boyfriend."
And I give Alice a look that says, "Thanks for keeping it on the down-low, but anyway, Jacob and Nessie aren't actually a couple so shut the hell up, I'm not a home wrecker." She starts spraying my hair with some sort of hair product. Somewhere, miles from here, a bunch of people are sitting around a boardroom thinking about what sorts of new products they can create for people to buy. And all of these products end up in Alice's collection so she can use them on unsuspecting humans and werewolves.
"What are you two grinning about?" asks Bella.
"Oh, you know, my first love is about to marry a family member, someone who was once a close friend, so, you know, I have no reason not to grin," I tell her.
Bella opens her mouth like she's about to say something, and then she realizes that I was being sarcastic. Then she says, "You say sarcastic and mean things when you're scared, don't you?"
I narrow my eyes at her reflection. "It's called a coping mechanism." I don't think she notices that I'm almost mocking her.
"When I found out that Sam was with you, before he was with Emily, it really upset me. I just wanted you to know that," she says. I think about that for a second. That would bother her, since she found her One Twue Lub at age 17 and married him right away.
"It's okay," I say guardedly.
"How's the makeover going?" asks Rosalie from the doorway.
"Oh, we're just on the hair, you should come in!" Bella tells her. Great, I have an audience. Rosalie starts picking up little tubs and bottles and things, looking at them, and putting them back down.
"Um, could you not do that?" asks Alice, who seems to be putting yet another product into my hair. "I have them all organized."
Having successfully curled some of my hair, and braided in deep crimson ribbons into it (all the bridesmaids are supposed to wear them, they match our dresses), and put about 17 different things into my hair that nature never intended, Alice has moved me downstairs. Allegedly the light is better from the huge windows.
"Since the wedding is outside, it's important that your makeup looks good in outside light," Alice explained as we walked downstairs. Bella and Rosalie helped carry down the makeup cases and set them up around one of the coffee tables in the huge downstairs room.
Then Bella went off to find her husband and child, or something, I don't really care. I have to be there early, since I'm in the wedding party, but after Alice is finished with me, apparently she's doing some makeup for Bella, or at least as much as Bella will let her. So now, it's just me and Alice and Rosalie, except that while I have my eyes closed—Alice is painting my lids with something—Emmett comes in the room, or at least he's there when I open my eyes, watching this whole procedure with a smirk.
"Why are you letting her do that to you?" asks Emmett. "Seriously, you're like, what, 6', 6'1, and she's….4'10. What's she going to do, bite your shins?"
"Leah's not like Bella. She's here willingly," Rosalie tells him. "Plus, it's really important that Leah looks absolutely sexy as hell today."
"Why, so you can seduce the groom in the middle of the ceremony?"
"Yep. That's my plan," I roll my eyes at him.
"Leah, please don't roll your eyes while I am doing your eye makeup," asks Alice.
"If Leah seduces anyone during the ceremony, it won't be Sam," Rosalie says, while winking at me obnoxiously. Emmett raises an eyebrow. Way to keep a secret, Rosalie.
"Hey, so, do you want to borrow Jasper for the wedding?" Alice asks.
"Uh, what?"
"Well, if you need a date, you could take Jasper, because he's taller than you are, assuming you don't wear your four inch heels, and he's blond, so he'd stand out, and also, he is a vampire, so that would really make everyone upset, and, of course, he can manipulate everyone's emotions and keep you calm while everyone else freaks out."
She's only a few inches from my face, so glaring at her is hard since she's out of focus. Still, I try. "Thanks, Alice, for offering me your husband, but you know, I don't really need a date."
"Hey, but if you do, and you are set on this whole blond vampire thing, you should take Rose." Emmett says, laughing.
"How would that be a date?" asks Alice, and when Emmett starts cracking up and leans back on the sofa, drawing his leg up in front of him and slapping his thigh. Alice throws a little pot of eye shadow or blush or something at his head at the same time that Rosalie smacks his bicep. "Ugh, you are so immature! Why do you put up with him?" Alice asks her sister.
"No, I really think you should take Rosie to this wedding. It would get even more attention than if you went with Jasper. 'Specially if you like, made out in the middle of the ceremony…And then you could like… take pictures of yourselves together and give them to me," he is saying.
Rosalie meanwhile is just rolling her eyes. "Emmett… you have the maturity of a seventh grade boy!"
"Oh, come on, Rosie, you know I am just teasing you and your little doggie friend," he turns to me, "No offense, Leah."
"Whatever, Emmett. As annoying as you are, you're still not worse than the guys in my pack, so hey," I tell him.
"So, seriously, can we please crash this wedding?" Emmett asks the three of us. "Please? This is the first event thing that the werewolves have had… and they crash all our parties, and weddings, and stuff. And we could like… reenact Underworld or something."
"We are not turning Sam and Emily's wedding into a vampire/werewolf shootout," Alice says, her annoyance clear in her voice.
"Oh, you're on first name basis with those dogs too now, are you?"
"Emmett!" Rosalie says, "Stop interrupting Leah's special day! Speaking of which, wait right here," she says to me and then runs off to the kitchen. In half a second she's back with a giant box of Godiva. My heart melts instantly.
"Rosalie, I am madly in love with you right now," I say as I open the box and choose one. It's….so….good…. mmm.
"They are all for you, since we can't really eat chocolate," Alice says slowly, her attention clearly on painting my face.
"Why are we getting her chocolate?" asks Emmett.
"It's her special day! When your first love gets married, you deserve chocolate. Especially in Leah's situation." Rosalie tells him, "And anyway, dear, if you are going to keep asking dumb male questions, you can go upstairs and stop intruding on our girl-time."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that the entire downstairs was reserved for your special 'girl time,'" he says, teasing her. And then, probably without even knowing he does it, he brushes some of her hair over her ear. Rosalie pouts at him.
I giggle, and then Alice tells me off for moving my face while she's "trying to make me into the most gorgeous creature on earth."
"Ok, so will have to crash the wedding alone. You guys really do take all the fun out of life," Emmett is saying, leaning back into the sofa and putting his arm around Rosalie's shoulders. He seems to do that a lot.
The front door opens and Jasper walks in. He looks at us in mild confusion. "Didn't you take over one of the upstairs rooms for this? Do you also need the living room?" he asks his wife.
"Jazz, hand me that thing over here," Alice says, pointing toward about 8 million cosmetics.
"Which, love?"
"The purple one." She says as she rubs my face with some kind of little pad. I never knew putting makeup on could take this long. Jasper comes over to where Alice is working on me with his hands fun of five different purple containers and sets them all down.
"You didn't have to bring them all."
He shrugs, "Didn't know which purple one you meant."
"Hey, Jasper, wanna help me crash the wedding?" Emmett asks his brother as Jasper sits down. Honestly, don't the leeches have anything better to do than watch me get an Alice Makeover?
"Isn't this the wedding that has been put off a bunch of times?" Jasper asks.
I nod. Hm, they seem pretty well informed about what's going on in the other pack. I guess they would know about the wedding, though, since Bella and Edward are going. Bella because in her depressed-phase she apparently got to be sort of friendly with Emily, and Edward because he's married to Bella, and also as a sort of… token to show that the relationship between us and the "Cold Ones" has changed… And as much as the other Pack doesn't like the existence of Nessie, she's invited because Jacob has imprinted on her.
So I just try to remind myself that as much as I don't want to go to the wedding, at least there will be other people there who feel awkward for their own reasons. Then I wonder if Edward ever feels awkward about anything.
"Why did they put it off so many times?" Rosalie asks.
I am just about to try to answer when Emmett snickers, "Maybe because of Edward reasons."
"Edward reasons?" I ask.
"You know…" he coughs.
Jasper rolls his eyes. "No one puts of weddings for Edward reasons. Anyway, I thought we were passed all of this. They have a child."
Emmett shrugs, "So?"
It isn't until Alice says, "You don't even know if they, Sam and Emily, I mean, are waiting until after the wedding," that I realize what they are talking about.
"They are, though," I throw out there. "Wait, how is that an Edward reason?"
Emmett snickers and says, "Yeah, so we have this theory, that Edward is, or at least was, terrified of sex."
"Well, Sam's not, so I don't know why they are waiting, but yeah," I say.
They all look at me wide-eyed. Why did I say that? Why did I open my big mouth?
"So… you… and Sam?" Rosalie asks. I roll my eyes at her.
"We were dating for a few years. And, you know, in love."
"Woah, woah, wait a minute," Emmett says, laughing, "Are you honestly sitting here on his wedding day bragging about how you did Sam and his new wife hasn't yet? YES! I love wolf drama!"
"I wasn't bragging about it! I just mentioned it because you—"
Edward and Bella come in the front door with their Spawn. As Nessie runs upstairs to find her grandmother, Edward asks us all what we are talking about. As if he can't just read it off our minds.
"Sex, so you should probably leave," Emmett tells Edward. Mr Loveleechy glares at him. "We don't want to corrupt your little virgin minds," Emmett continues, waving the couple away with his hand.
Bella looks indignant, "I've had sex!" she says.
"With Edward." Jasper says, "So it doesn't count."
"What?! That doesn't even make any sense!" Edward turns to his other brother.
Alice, meanwhile, is making me turn my head different ways and admiring me in the light. "I have created a masterpiece!"
"Well, Edward, you are such a prude that your prudishness contaminates everything, I mean, just from you standing in the room right now, I've got my virginity back," Emmett says. Edward gives him a particularly vicious glare.
"We have sex!" Bella says again. "We're just very private about it! Anyway, Alice, Leah looks amazing,"
"Thank you," we both say. Wait; was that a compliment to me, or to Alice?
"So apparently," Emmett says to Edward "Sam's not afraid of sex with Leah, just with Emily."
"You had sex with Sam?" Bella asks, sounding concerned. "Recently?"
"Yes, Bella, last night." I snark. She gasps.
Edward says, "No, she didn't. Don't listen to Leah."
"This is ridiculous, you guys. They didn't postpone the wedding because they were scared to have sex," I say.
"That you know of," says Jasper. "Edward, did they delay the wedding because they were nervous about having sex?"
"How would I know?" says Edward.
"Oh, I don't know… how would Edward know what other people are thinking about?" asks Jasper sarcastically.
"Jasper, Edward doesn't spy on people!" Bella tells him.
"Emmett, stop it, or I will break your face," Edward growls. Rosalie starts giggling.
"You were thinking about sex just to annoy Edward, weren't you?" she asks her husband, who nods happily.
"Works every time," he says, kissing his wife.
"Wait, a minute, Leah, how is that fair?" Edward demands of me. I give him a look to indicate that he might know what he means, but I don't. He sighs, "When I kiss Bella, you imagine little leeches cuddling, with little hearts floating around, until I stop. But when Emmett the Perv kisses Rosalie, nothing. Where's the justice in that?"
I shrug. "I don't know. They," I indicate them by leaning my head toward Rosalie and Emmett, "don't bother me as much as you and Bella do."
"Wait, when Bella and Edward kiss, you imagine leeches cuddling?" Emmett asks. "You're hilarious! My kind of woman! Or Wolf," then he leans forward and puts his cheek near mine and kisses, European style.
Jasper's jaw drops. "Emmett… there's fraternizing with the enemy and there's fraternizing with the enemy."
Rosalie smacks Jasper on the arm. "Jasper, Leah is not 'the enemy.'"
He turns to me, "Leah, are you a werewolf?"
"Technically she's a shapeshifter," Edward says. I nod.
"Well, there you are then," Jasper says.
"Anyway, Leah doesn't smell as bad as Jacob," Rosalie tells him matter-of-factly.
"So we judge people on how they smell, now?" asks Jasper with an arched eyebrow.
"I don't know, I've heard that some people think Jacob smells rather nice," Alice says, before she melts into a puddle of giggles. Glare time.
Edward looks at us both sharply, and looks like he's about to say something, when Jasper cuts in, "In any case, Leah, you look beautiful. Alice, you have outdone yourself."
Alice smiles and says, "Thank you, Jazz. Bella, time for you!"
"You could do Nessie first,"
"Using your daughter as a shield, Bella, nice," Emmett laughs.
"I suppose I should get over to the wedding," I say.
"Oh, Leah, I wish you could go over with us, but we'll see you there soon, okay?" Bella says. Wow, she's…being really nice to me. "I wish Jacob could come over with us, too, but I guess he's in the wedding party as well…" her voice trails off.
I go from being impressed at her niceness to annoyed by her selfishness. Yes, Jacob has other responsibilities than taking care of you and your daughter, Bella. Jacob is an adult with a life. Not for the first time, I think bitterly that Jake imprinting on Nessie is like giving Bella her cake and letting her eating it, too. Is there any justice in the world? Why do I get screwed—my boyfriend leaves me—while Bella gets to spend eternity with not only her darlin' but also have Jacob around her, always.
"Leah," Edward says in a warning tone, "That's not fair. It's not like that."
"Ok, I have no idea what Leah is thinking, Edward," snaps Rosalie, "But whatever it is, it is fair, because today is her special day," she turns to me and adds, "have another chocolate or two."
So I do.
Anyway, it's not like Jacob wanted to be one of Sam's groomsmen. They don't get along so hot, ever since Jacob became an Alpha. But this is one of those Tribe unity things, even if most of the wedding guests don't know that the Quileuteyouth run around as wolves in our spare time. I suppose it's important that the two Packs seem to be getting along so Jacob's going to be a groomsman.
"Wait, did Jacob go to Sam's bachelor party?" Emmett asks. I nod and eat another chocolate. Alice doesn't seem to approve of me messing up my lipstick but viva la revolucion! "So, were there strippers at this party?"
"How would I know that?" I ask Emmett.
He shrugs but says, "I just think if there were strippers there, then it's safe to say that the reason they postponed the wedding wasn't anything to do with Edward reasons," he explains. Edward practically growls at him—apparently "Edward reasons" is a long-held Cullen euphemism. I wonder if the entire reason we're talking about Sam's sex life is so Emmett can make fun of Edward's prudishness.
"Yes." Edward says to me. Stop reading my mind! Ugh.
"They didn't postpone the wedding for anything to do with sex, as Leah's little Sam-shagging insight tells us," Jasper says.
"Edward wouldn't let us get strippers for this bachelor party," Emmett says, in an almost bitter tone. Everyone groans—I guess they must have this conversation a lot, too. Emmett turns to me and says, "Seriously, you know what he wanted to do the night before he got married? Snuggle with Bella!"
"What does this have to do with anything, Emmett?" Alice asks him.
"Nothing, except that I hope Sam isn't as Edwardy as Edward."
"Maybe I didn't want to get strippers because of Jasper," Edward says.
"…yeah, okay, I can see your point. That'd be bad." Emmett says, "I'd hate to try to explain why there were dead strippers—"
And just at that moment, Carlisle walks into the room. "Uh, hi, kids," he says. "Everything going okay?"
"Yes, Carlisle," they all seem to say.
"You sure you don't want to take Jasper?" Alice asks me. I shake my head.
Jasper frowns, "Why would I want to go to a wolf wedding? I mean, no offense, Leah."
"Why, indeed?" adds Edward.
Bella tsks him and says, "Honey, Sam and Emily have both been very nice to me," and then she's quiet, and I wonder if she's thinking about when Sam found her half-dead in the forest.
"Am I the only one who wants to crash it? Emmett asks, to a chours of "Yes!" He sighs sadly.
I suddenly realize that I really, really need to leave for the wedding. Okay, I've known it all along, but I've been putting it off. "I've got to go," I say, standing quickly.
"Leah, you certainly look stunning," Carlisle says. I smile and thank him.
"Here," Alice fishes in her purse and pulls out car keys. "Take the Porsche."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, well, can't have you phasing."
"Seriously, Alice, thank you so much for getting me all ready and everything!" I shout as I run out of the door and over to the garage.
Emily looks amazing. Beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, dazzling, and so forth. Beautiful and tragic, although probably most people here today still think a bear left those marks on her, not her groom. But when he looks at her as they say the vows, I know he doesn't see her scars anymore. I hope, for their sakes, that he's stopped feeling some of the guilt. Guilt isn't enough to hold two people together. I wonder, though, if guilt and imprinting is enough.
Against my will, I glance around Sam to where his groomsmen are standing. Jared is the best man, of course. But standing between Jared and Paul is Jacob. I wonder, for the hundredth time in the last hour, about Jacob and Nessie. But as Sam and Emily promise their lives to each other, Jacob looks up and catches me eye. And then he winks, and I have to stop myself from giggling.
I absolutely cannot believe I am having trouble not giggling at Sam and Emily's wedding.
Somewhere, at the back of the audience, I know Bella and Edward and Nessie are sitting. I know this, because Jacob's eyes keep flickering out there. And sitting on the Bride's side are my mom and Charlie and Seth. On the Groom's side are all the wolves in La Push who aren't in the wedding party or a relative of Emily's.
Kim and Rachel are the other bridesmaids. Claire is the flower-girl, of course. It's no coincidence that all of us in the wedding party are wolves or the imprints of wolves—well, for one thing, all the young men our age are wolves. And once you get drawn the Pack (or I suppose I should say Packs), your whole life becomes consumed. Apparently Rachel and Emily have gotten pretty close; Kim, too, is starting to get to know them. I wonder if it's weird for Jacob, finally having one of his sisters around, but having her being so tight with Sam's Pack. I also wonder if I wasn't such a bitch if they'd be my friends. Would it require being in Sam's Pack? Not too many months ago I would have been jealous of their friendship—back when I longed to feel like a girl, to have women friends…
What does it say about me that I am more comfortable with lady bloodsuckers than with the sweethearts of the other wolves?
My eyes meet Jacob's again. It's funny… I've been avoiding him since I woke up cuddling with his sleeping body. I don't even know if he knows. And yet here he is, smiling at winking at me as if nothing's wrong. Maybe he's just trying to cheer me up, keep me happy.
At least there's no pity in his eyes. At least I don't think there is.
Everyone's cheering now; Sam is kissing his wife.
Oh. They're married. Really, really married.
I'm cheering, too. Clapping and such. But I feel as if I am in a daze. Even as I think it, I know how cliché it sounds. What, shall I swoon now? The tragic ex-girlfriend and relative of the Bride, who can't get over her heartbreak…Who won't ever love anyone as much as I loved Sam, who's destined to spend the rest of my life mooning over him?
What sickens me is that people actually see me that way. Not people—wolves. I know that's how they think of me because I spent months hearing their stupid little male thoughts. Calm down, Leah. But at least I am not "in a daze" anymore. And my frustration with myself makes me smile, and I am sure everyone out there thinks I am smiling because I am genuinely happy.
I wonder, perversely, if Jacob sees me that way. What does it matter if Jacob sees me that way or any other way? Just because he has a nice body? All male werewolves have nice bodies. So Jacob is a bit taller than the others, so his chest is a bit broader… And his hair, longer than the others wear it, but somehow shaggy, so when you look at him you can still imagine him taking scissors to it and butchering it after his first transformation. So what if there's something about his lips that makes me want to—
"They look so happy, don't they?" Kim gushes in my ear. I nod mutely and keep clapping. Yes, they do look happy. Of course they look happy. Happy is how people look on their wedding day. And then I realize that Kim is fantasizing about the day she'll marry Jared.
They are walking back down the aisle between the seats now, and we're following them. Jared and Kim, Paul and Rachel, and me and Jacob. That's not awkward at all, aha. We pass all the guests, and in the very last row, Nessie waves to Jacob and he winks at her. Like he winked at me a few minutes ago. Not sure how I feel about that.
And now the endless congratulations. Everyone has to tell the couple how happy they are for them, and then tell all the other guests "Oh, Emily looks so beautiful!" "Isn't Sam dashing?" "You know, I really think those two young people are the best thing that have happened to La Push in such a long, long time, don't you?" "What do you think they'll name the children?" and so on and on and on…
It's my turn now. All of a sudden, I am looking up into Sam's eyes. I talked to Emily before the ceremony, of course, and last night, but I haven't had a real conversation with Sam, in, well, years.
"Leah, I'm so glad you're here," he says nervously. "It means so much to Emily—"
I lean forward and kiss his cheek. He looks stunned. "Congratulations, Sam. I know you and Emily will have a wonderful life together."
And I mean it, as much as I meant what I said to Emily last night. But now I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be gone. So I clatter and totter in my heels away from the reception. I think about getting in the Porsche and just driving, but right now, it's not what I want. And since all my Pack brothers are at the reception, I figure I'm sure to have a bit of privacy. Mostly I just want to be alone.
It doesn't take long, less than half an hour, and I am running through the forest. The dress and car are safely back at home, and I am a free woman. Or wolf, rather. God it feels good to run this fast. Run, run, run. Dashing around trees. I wonder if real wolves have this much fun running, and I doubt it. And there is silence, blessed silence. No stupid boys thinking their stupid little thoughts like I'm hungry! Or I kissed Bella! Or Emily cooks so well! As annoying as men are, there about a thousand times worse when they are in your head.
Leah, don't think about that. Just run. I can feel the breeze in my fur, and it's nice. I can smell everything. It's so not like being human. After I've run around for what could be an hour, it's hard to tell time when you're a wolf, I start running up toward one of the mountains. I know just the place. Where I can sit and look out at the mountains and rivers and tress and just enjoy how beautiful it is here, yes, even more beautiful than where I was in Canada. But then, I didn't go to Canada to enjoy the views. And still no sign of my Pack.
I find my special Leah place, the place I was looking for, where I used to go when I first phased. It's doing that almost-rain thing that always happens here. It's not quite raining, but it's more rain than fog, just sort of misting down on me. But I don't care—I have thick fur. I put my head on my paws and stare out from between the trees.
Goddammit, I am so ready to be over Sam. He wasn't that good of a boyfriend, anyway. I always had the sense that he cared more about La Push and our Tribe than he did about me. But wasn't that what I found attractive? A man with a passion, a man who had something else on his mind besides, well, me. No one could have called us Love Zombies, and I think that's what I liked. But we were in love. Very much in love. At least, I thought we were. I wonder, not for the first time, what would have happened if I had phased earlier. If I had been a wolf when he met Emily. I probably would have understood sooner. But maybe it would have been worse, having to hear Sam's thoughts right away…
At least Sam and Emily are happy making their lives all about the Pack, well, what's left of Sam's Pack, and the Tribe, and each other. I know from hearing the others' thoughts that when they are in the room together, everything else vanishes. And… I am happy for them, in a way.
But why am I still so sad? I… I feel like I need to cry. Wolves don't cry. Maybe that's why I like this form so much. But…I'm out here, all alone. No one will ever know if I let myself cry. And I know that if I don't cry, it will pour out of me at some other time, and I don't want that. So I phase. And I stop fighting the urge not to cry. It isn't pretty. It's not like a few weeks ago when I was with Seth and one or two tears leaked out, no. God, I hate myself when I cry! And the more angry I get at myself for crying, for being weak, the more I sob. Huge, wracking sobs that choke me and leave me sputtering.
There is just something so fucking pathetic about being naked on the forest floor crying like this. So when I can, I limply untie the clothes from my leg and pull on undies, shorts and a tanktop. I don't know whey I bother with the panties, but it just feels weird otherwise. At least clothed I'm slightly less vulnerable. I wrap my arms around myself and lay there, trying to stop hiccupping and sobbing like a pathetic, weak… well, I imagine Bella cried like this.
I think I'm drifting off. Not quite sleeping, but worn out from the crying and all the emotions… I'm tired enough that I don't hear the giant wolf pad up behind me until he's standing right over me. He dashes behind a bush and seconds later, Jacob emerges, buttoning his shorts.
"Go away, Jacob."
"I told them you would be out here somewhere,"
"Go away, Jacob."
"They were worried—you weren't at the reception, or at home, or at the Bloodsuckers', and no one could hear your thoughts. Next time you wander off into the woods, do try to stay in wolf form so we can find you."
"Jacob, go away." But instead, he sits down next to my head. I sit up and lean against a tree. And glare at him. But Jacob is immune to The Glare, apparently.
"Leah, they were worried."
I shrug. "I'm fine. I wanted to be alone."
And then, very quietly, he says, "I was worried." I don't know what to say, so I shrug and act like I don't care what he thinks. Maybe if I am bitchy enough, he'll go away. It always used to work "Seth and I were afraid you'd run off again."
"I'm not running off again. Jacob, what the hell part of 'I want to be alone,' don't you understand?"
"Why are you in human form?" Ugh, why is he ignoring me? The jackass.
"So you wouldn't be able to find me," I snap. I will never, ever tell him about the crying.
"You're eyes are puffy," he says, in what I am sure he thinks is gentle voice. I look away from him. Why the hell won't he leave me alone? "Leah, if you don't want me to find you, you're going to have to go farther than this. For one thing, I know this is your spot, and for another, I could smell you."
I look up involuntarily when he says that last part. Our eyes meet and he blushes. I think. I almost ask him what I smell like. But instead I stare out at the next mountain and try to ignore him. Which is hard, because in this cold air, I can almost feel the heat radiating off his body, even at this distance.
"Doesn't it bother you to have your skin all wet?" he asks, gesturing toward my arm, where some of the moisture from the air is collecting.
"It's not even really raining," I tell him coldly. "A wolf that doesn't like rain?"
"Leah…"
"Go away, Jacob."
"Why did you leave, this time? I thought you were okay now."
I blink and turn my head in his direction, fixing him with my most deadly look. He ignores it so I finally give a quick shrug. "I didn't want people looking at me."
"You know, to everyone who isn't a wolf, you and Sam are ancient history. I know they all assume you've moved on…"
Wrong thing to say, Jacob. "You saying I haven't moved on?" I snap.
"Uh, I, um, no, I mean… Look, what I meant to say, is that for everyone else, none of that Pack drama ever happened." I don't say anything. So he keeps filling the silence. "Do you honestly care what the other wolves think?"
Ugh! Jacob, I could strangle you right now! "I don't care what anyone thinks!" I shout at him.
"If that were true, Leah, you wouldn't be out here," he puts his hand on my leg in some sort of pathetic comforting gesture. But his hand stays there like it's glued and our eyes lock. "You're warm," he says, quietly.
I bite my lip, "You're warmer."
"But you're warmer than a human."
I nod, "That's because I'm not a human," I say with what I hope is biting sarcasm.
"I…just forget, that you aren't like other girls."
I bark out a humorless laugh. "Not like Bella, you mean. Or Nessie." He shrugs and looks away. I wonder if he's embarrassed. I take a deep breath, "I don't care what people think, Jacob, but I want to know… do you think what they think?"
Our eyes meet and he gives a sort of half-shrug. "What is it you think they think?"
"That I am a pathetic, weak girl who hasn't gotten over Sam leaving me, and never will, because he is the love of my life…that I am destined to die alone and miserable, still pining away for someone who wishes I didn't exist," I say it quietly, shocked that I am actually putting voice to my darkest fears.
Jacob doesn't break eye-contact. "You aren't pathetic, Leah, and you aren't weak. That's why we're all intimidated by you. And Sam, Sam is the weak one." I open my mouth to ask what he means—no one thinks Sam is weak, but he continues, "Sam let you go. And he's afraid you. Because you remind him of his failures."
I don't say anything—there's nothing to say, nothing I can think of. I remember a time when Jacob used to worship Sam, like Seth worships Jacob.
"Ok, my turn," he says, "Do you think I'm a pathetic, lovesick puppy who's so blinded by a pretty girl that I've become the lapdog of the leeches?"
I snort out a laugh, or at least the shadow of a laugh. "Let's see…I thought it was Nessie who had you all hypnotized these days, not Bella."
"You know what I mean."
"Bella never deserved you," I say, and when he starts to protest, I cut him off, "You did everything for her, and all she could think about was her vampire. She didn't deserve you, Jake, and as for the rest of it..."
"…I know it's pathetic."
"It's not pathetic. It's just…
"I'm not myself, anymore."
"Well, your tragically doomed crush on Bella was a big part of you, and now that you're all about Nessie, yeah, you're different," I say with a shrug. Twice in this conversation I've said "Nessie" instead of "Demon Spawn." Huh.
"I'm so afraid," He whispers and I look up sharply.
"Why?"
"I didn't want to imprint…and now… It's like I don't have any choice anymore. Sam told me once that, no, let me finish," he says when I start to protest about him quoting Sam. "He told me that when you imprint, you don't have a choice anymore, and that's the point, and how great it is, but… But Sam is just weak. Nessie deserves better than someone who is in her life because he doesn't have a choice."
He looks so sad and afraid. And vulnerable. I reach out to touch him—I guess Alice's softness is rubbing off on me. But he leans forward at the same time and we're just staring at each other. There's so much in his eyes; fear, and something else. Longing? For what, for the good old days of loving Bella? And something else beside that. Something that could almost be desire. But I know it isn't, because Jacob would never look at me like that.
I wonder what he sees in my expression.
"Leah," he whispers softly, and my own breath hitches. I bite my lip. "Leah….don't be mad, 'kay?" he says. What the hell is he talking about now? "I woke up the other day, and," he takes a deep breath. "I liked holding you."
There's a pause, while we just stare at each other. A very short pause. And then, and I don't know who starts it, but we both lean forward and in an instant, his lips are on mine, or mine are on his, and we are kissing.
God his mouth is so warm. His hand reaches up and grabs my neck, and I know mine is on his neck, my fingers are knotting themselves in his hair, and we're pulling each other closer, as close as possible, and we're kissing, his lips so firm against mine, and his tongue is moving against my tongue, his is in my mouth, and then mine in his mouth, and god he tastes so good and I never want this to stop, my eyes are shut and I can't even remember the last time I kissed with my eyes closed, or even the last time I kissed, because it was so long ago, and with Sam, and ugh I do not want to think about Sam right now, but it doesn't matter, because Jacob Black is kissing me and right now it feels like all I've ever wanted.
And it's not particularly gentle, it's not like I'm kissing him to tell him I like him or to tell him anything else, except that I am lonely and sad and so damn pent-up and hungry and I want him, I want this, I want his mouth on mine and I want other things, too, I want to feel that body of his against mine, and I want his hands all over me and oh god why aren't they on me right now? But no, we're kissing, and it's so good…
His hand is in my hair and he pulls me back, back away from his mouth, and he looks into my eyes and says, "…Leah?" and I glare at him and say, my voice thick with need and desire and emotions I don't even want to think about, "Jacob, kiss me…." And then he does and oh god, he is kissing me and it's even better.
AN:
Whew, that was a long chapter! And maybe now you see why I was so excited for it! Reviews are love, and thank you to everyone who has been reviewing.
Yay blackwater…