Resolutions – 19
Shifting Winds
by MMB
Sydney watched as Kevin strapped his injured knee back into the infernal therapy 'gizmo' again, knowing that something was different about the young man but not able to put his finger on the difference immediately. It wasn't until the machine was once more slowly working the knee and Kevin had moved the coffee table with its pile of old Centre documents closer again that it hit him: Kevin wasn't looking at him directly.
As a matter of fact, Kevin hadn't been able to meet his gaze all day. He had gladly served as the one to get behind and push the wheelchair from the construction site to the parking lot, where Deb had her Nova pulled up and ready to receive him. He'd then climbed into the back seat behind Deb and Sydney for the ride home and carefully helped pull Sydney from the car still without looking him in the eye. There had been a brief time after getting Sydney sat down on his daybed again when Kevin had vanished toward the front of the house, only to return after a minute or two to take up the task of attaching Sydney's injured leg to the CPM machine. Sydney couldn't be sure, but he thought it might have been during that short interval that Deb had left for her volunteer job at the library.
"Kevin," he called before the young man had a chance to escape again. "Come here for a moment."
Yes, there was something definitely wrong. Kevin's posture had a decided slump to it as the young man came to stand in front of his mentor. "What can I do for you?" he asked.
"Look at me, for one thing," Sydney said quietly, his eyes on Kevin's face. The intense blue eyes came up and met with the chestnut — but only for a moment before looking away. "Tell me what's wrong," Sydney directed, pointing to the chair across the room with an obvious expectation that Kevin would sit down.
"Nothing's wrong," Kevin complained softly, feeling the dread of this confrontation almost smothering him as he took the seat indicated.
"One of the things that is never taught to a Pretender is the art of lying effectively to those close to him," Sydney stated as if lecturing. "Jarod was never very good at it in all the years I worked with him, and you're even worse at it than he was." He folded his arms across his chest expectantly.
"Sydney…"
"AND you're acting as if you have something weighing very heavily on your conscience." Sydney looked at him evenly. "What's going on, Kevin? Maybe I can help…"
"That I doubt," Kevin mumbled to himself and then forced himself to look at his mentor. "Really, Sydney, I'd rather we waited…"
"Waiting rarely does any good in the long term," Sydney replied. "Is it something so terrible that you're afraid to tell me?"
Kevin's blue eyes glanced up at Sydney's again. "Yes." He looked back down. "I'm afraid it will make you angry."
"If it does, then the sooner it's out, the sooner I'm finished being angry," Sydney said simply. "What is it?" Kevin had looked away, down at the plush Persian rug on the floor of the den. "Kevin," he called again, bringing Kevin's gaze up again, "what is it?"
"It's about Deb…" Kevin began lamely, then wished he hadn't said anything.
"Deb?" Sydney was concerned and confused.
"…A…and me," Kevin finished, knowing that he'd gone too far now, that the situation was bound to come out for sure.
Sydney's brows furled for a long moment while he contemplated what he'd been told, and then suddenly he looked up at his protégé very sharply. "Are you telling me that you and Deb…"
"It just happened," Kevin sighed. Now he was in for it — this was the first time he had definitely done anything that he knew for sure would disappoint and probably anger his new mentor. Just disappointing Vernon had always meant suffering a tirade that inevitably included a withering attack on his self-esteem and the loss of some if not all of the few privileges he had — he still didn't like to think of what happened when Vernon actually got mad. He'd lived with Sydney now long enough to know that mere disappointment didn't bring about long, loud, abusive verbal tantrums — but he had yet to see Sydney genuinely out of sorts with him. And as much as he loved Deb and wasn't ashamed of what they'd done and decided, facing Sydney's unknown wrath for not using restraint with something so important was not an experience he was looking forward to…
"It didn't just happen," Sydney scowled. "I thought I had warned you…"
"You did! And I tried to stop… but…" Kevin was pleading for understanding. "She asked…"
"You didn't have to say 'yes!'" Sydney snapped at him.
"I couldn't say 'no' by then," Kevin admitted. "Things happened so fast…"
Sydney wiped his hand down his face in frustration and real pique. This was his granddaughter they were talking about here, the apple of his eye… "Kevin…" he ground out. "For God's sake, she was just starting to get over being molested. Now…"
"Now when she wakes up with a nightmare from that experience, and she has the last two nights, I've been right there with her," Kevin said softly, finding strength at last from the fact that he loved Deb and knew that she loved him. "I help her find her way out of that horrible place and get back to sleep eventually." Finally he raised his eyes to meet and face Sydney's. "I love her, Sydney, and she loves me. I know you didn't want this to happen, but it has."
"Kevin, you haven't been out in the world long enough to know anything about love," Sydney closed his eyes and tried to keep from simply exploding. He could hardly believe that all it had taken was for him to leave the house for two nights, lost in his own turmoil… "Damn it, don't you see? Deb is hurting, and she's reaching for anything and anyone she thinks can help her heal quickly from what was done to her — and you're the closest and safest person she has to reach out to right now. That is not a good place to be in and try to put together a lasting relationship."
"That may be," Kevin agreed reluctantly, but then continued with more vehemence, "but we've talked it over, and we're thinking about marriage eventually."
"WHAT?" Sydney started to shake his head back and forth violently. "No! Absolutely not! You are NOT going to be considering marriage for a good, long time. Neither of you two are ready…"
"We know what we want," Kevin told him in a voice that was much steadier than he felt on the inside. "You can ask Deb…"
"Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be talking to Deb the moment she gets home," Sydney told him with real anger in his eyes along with a touch of betrayal. "For God's sake, Kevin, I trusted you to not let things get too involved."
"I know you did," the young man admitted, "and I'm sorry that I didn't live up to that and that I've disappointed you, but…" and he looked back up at his mentor with the strength of his heart behind his eyes, "I'm not sorry we did what we did. I love her — I've loved her since I first laid eyes on her. If anything, I love her now more than ever. I'd never do anything to hurt her."
"I was thinking and hoping that your feelings for her would keep you from doing anything rash," Sydney shook his head at him. "And what about your promise to Tyler? What does this do to that?"
Kevin sagged in his chair even further than he had been at first. He'd forgotten all about Tyler and the promise that had been made. "You're right. I'll have to go talk to him," he sighed. "It would be only fair — I did break my word, but..." He looked up at his mentor again pleadingly. "…What was I supposed to do? I've always loved her…"
"Use your brain, Kevin — think! You haven't known more than two girls near your age in all the time you've been free from that house. There is a whole world out here, filled with young women. How do you know…"
"I know, Sydney," Kevin replied seriously. "Don't ask me how, but I just know. She's the one."
Sydney stopped short and really looked at the expression in Kevin's eyes. He'd seen that look only one time before — in Jarod's eyes when talking once about his relationship with Miss Parker not long after he had returned to Delaware. That relationship had ended up being as preordained as anything he'd ever seen — even an eight-year separation had proven to be just a minor blip in the scheme of their love for each other.
Suddenly Sydney found himself hoping beyond hope that Deb wouldn't grow tired of her Pretender as she healed from her California experience — that the depth of her love for him truly matched Kevin's deep devotion to her. An inner voice that he heard only very rarely was whispering to him that this was the real thing, and that the safest bet for him was to stand back, give the young couple his blessing and try to explain things to Broots when the time came. He felt a sudden shot of guilt — Broots was going to be livid when he found out!
But… damn it! This was still his granddaughter, the girl he'd coddled for years and helped her father protect from horny, marauding males since the beginning of high school. And now she had slept with his own protégé at least twice — under HIS roof — the minute his back was turned!
"We'll talk about this further when Deb gets home," Sydney pronounced with a voice of finality and reached for the top folder in the stack on the coffee table.
Kevin sighed. The ordeal wasn't over yet.
"This is Tyler."
"Good afternoon, Mr. Tyler. This is Colonel Fox."
Tyler leaned back in his chair. "Well! We were starting to wonder what was happening with our military problem."
"Suffice it to say that you should have no further military problems, Mr. Tyler. The principles involved in the effort to pressure your corporation into working on these ugly little projects are all in custody — and the civilian authorities will soon be beginning to clean up their side of the problem." Fox smiled in satisfaction. "Quite an interesting little conspiracy you folks tripped over."
"Were you informed that one of our scientists DID agree to restart his project — project Black Hole, to be specific — and led our security people to a small safe where additional materials and drugs were being stored?" Tyler grinned, spinning a pencil through his nimble fingers.
"I hadn't had that report hit my desk yet," Fox admitted. "So you have your end of things cleaned up as well?"
"Yup. I'm just wondering if you're going to be needing any of that evidence for your case?"
"I seriously doubt it," Fox told him. "We have quite a comprehensive case put together against the military men involved already. Although, I suppose, copies of any printed material would be appreciated as corroborating evidence when telephone transcripts between your scientist and the defendants is presented."
Tyler quit twirling the pencil and made a note on the day's blotter. "I'll see to it that you get copies of all the printed material we just recovered." He leaned back again. "What do you intend to do about Colonel Stiller?"
"He will most likely be taken into military custody within a day or so of hearing that the civilian end of this has been swept up. Right now, he's doing just fine in your local jail cell."
"I understand that," Tyler told him, "but I have a very nervous scientist insisting on staying in a safe house. When will I be able to reassure her that she's safe to go back to her own home?"
Fox nodded. "This is Dr. Mitchell you're speaking of, isn't it?"
"Ah-yup."
"I'd say that she's safe to go home now. We have a DNA match with her and the blood on the knife we took from Stiller when he was taken into custody after breaking into her house. We have transcripts of telephone conversations between Stiller and other co-conspirators where her attack was discussed. Hell, we have his co-conspirators in the military — up to and including a one-star General attached to the Pentagon — in custody. He's not getting away with anything, trust me." Fox's voice was completely convinced.
"I'll pass the word," Tyler promised.
"What about the scientist our bozos actually connected with?"
Tyler smiled coldly. "We are holding him for civilian authorities the moment we get his project notes decrypted — you see, there's the question of the test subjects on whom the process was used. We still don't know where they came from or what happened to them." He grimaced. "When we had our bombing, there were a number of psychiatric patients that had to be relocated to other institutions — I'm hoping that some of the documentation YOU recovered will tell us whether any of them were involved."
"I hadn't thought of that," Fox shivered. "I'll have our office copy all the information on Black Hole and send it to you by courier — the more complete your information, the more likely your internal investigation on that score will be successful."
"Well, thank you for calling and bringing us up to date," Tyler said, leaning forward to his desk again. "When this is all over, would you let this Texas boy buy you a drink?"
"Why sure, son," Fox smiled. "I'll look forward to it. Until then, I'll talk to you later."
"Thanks again, Colonel."
Tyler replaced the receiver and smiled to himself. With any luck, maybe he could learn what it meant to be an executive of a corporation NOT on the edge of a crisis soon. Then again, he'd learned the hard way not to hold his breath when it came to dealing with the 'old Centre'. Just about the time he started to relax, sure as shootin' something new would pop up…
"Get in the car — hurry up!" Harry Burns gave Tom Jackson a shove to get him into the back seat quickly and then jumped into the front passenger seat. "Go, Jim!" he yelled at his driver, and the sedan sped away from the curb.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" George Canfield demanded, still struggling to put his seat belt on after having been shoved to the other side of the car rather rudely. "I thought we were going to eat lunch…"
"For God's sake, Harry…" Jackson added.
"Can it, you two! We can't take ANY chances right now," Burns turned halfway around in his seat and peered out the back window in satisfaction as the car he'd suspected of tailing him swung out into traffic as expected. "Things are going down hard and fast, and if we aren't careful, they'll drag us down right with them. There's a tail on us — nine chances out of ten, whoever is investigating us has had our phones tapped and now had Jocko's wired for sound, just waiting for us to hang ourselves over lunch today. This is the ONLY way we could talk without being overheard."
"What the hell happened? I thought things were going so well — and that Black Hole was just about to go back into operation…" Canfield glared at his colleagues.
"Phil Baldwin panicked and got himself killed, that's one thing," Burns growled, "and I'll bet that while they were picking up the pieces, they found his files."
"How tightly do you think we're tied into things through Phil?" Jackson worried, looking back and forth between his colleague in the front seat and in the back.
"Knowing Phil and his habit of maintaining meticulous and very complete records, I'd say we need to assume they have fairly completely but circumstantial stuff that a bit more investigation will probably corroborate," Burn answered. "What's more, it looks like the military is starting to clean house as well. I called over to the Pentagon for Doug and was informed that he had been arrested last night on an assortment of charges."
"Shit!" Canfield exploded. "We can't just sit here and wait for the axe to fall on us. There are people who have paid us very well sitting out there and depending on us to get things done… Not to mention I didn't sign into this little venture just to end up looking out from behind bars…"
"Calm down, you two! We have to go on the offensive, and go on the offensive NOW," Jackson stated quietly. "Panicking like Phil did will get us nowhere. We need to create a huge and spectacular diversion to get everybody's mind off of what WE may have been doing — long enough for it to simply go away."
"I take it you have an idea?" Burns asked curiously.
"I do," the Vermont Senator said calmly. "We talked about this before, but nobody ever did anything about it. All of our problems now have to do with the Centre and the projects they just threw back at us, right? Fine. We'll put a spotlight on the Centre's past — make them have to defend themselves against their own past actions, both personally and professionally."
"But the current Centre administration…"
"Will be too busy putting together some sort of a defense to be cooperating with any other on-going investigation," Jackson detailed with a smooth smile. "What's more, considering the kind of evidence we have on the projects the Centre has already done for us, we'll capture the media attention away from any complicated investigation of a few Senators and put it all on what the Centre has been up to for the past ten, twenty years." He smiled grimly. "By the time the dust settles, we'll be retiring from office or have been turned out due to term limits."
"I don't know," Canfield worried. "The last time we went up against the Centre directly, we ended up losing one of our top military contacts — and probably setting off half of what's coming down around us now. Do we REALLY want to try it again?"
"Do we have any choice?" Burns asked in a defeated tone. He looked at his colleagues in the back seat, and then nodded. "OK. We dig into our personal files and find something truly egregious to get the ball rolling — then sit back and let the media dig up the dirt for us. Sooner or later, George here can demand a hearing on how a high-security corporation like the Centre could have gotten away with such despicable actions."
"That will have several retired Senators twisting in the wind," Jackson nodded agreement, "which will once more draw attention away from US."
"As for us, no more formal meetings," Canfield demanded. "If we have our phones tapped, and if we each have tails, then the less contact we have with each other right now, the better."
"But we have to coordinate with each other…" Jackson complained immediately. "This IS the Centre we're talking about. Even under the Parker woman, it doesn't do to underestimate their reach and their power. If we don't get together after we gather our evidence and strategize how to take the best advantage of it, we aren't going to get anywhere."
"All right," Burns conceded. "Get into your files today and tonight and pull up anything you think might cause a major news stink — and Tom, you get YOUR driver to pick us up at noon tomorrow. I'll be waiting outside my office, George…"
"I have a caucus meeting at the Capitol at ten — I'll be just getting out."
"Fine — we'll pick you up at quarter after twelve. We meet in moving vehicles from now on, and we'll choose random vehicles. We may even want to just hire a taxi — it would be unexpected at least once."
"This is ridiculous," Canfield grumbled. "We should NEVER have brought Phil into this…"
"Shut up!" Burns snapped back. "He was the best money-handler I knew of, he had contacts within several law enforcement agencies that worked to our advantage when it came time to provide test subjects for our projects — and we needed someone with his expertise with bigger projects like Veracity and Black Hole to keep all the various arrangements running smoothly. I had no idea he'd turn into a big chicken when push came to shove — and then be stupid enough to get himself killed on top of it all."
"We simply can NOT afford any more mistakes," Jackson intoned somberly. "We have one chance — and a damned slim one at that — to pull ourselves out of the fire before we get singed and make the Centre pay for putting us out of business. We'd better make the best of it."
"This is Parker."
"Hi, Missy. It's me."
"Jarod! Well?" The grey eyes stared out her window expectantly.
"She's mine at last. Ginger Elizabeth Russell." Jarod hugged his little girl close as she sat next to him on the picnic table bench as if he couldn't get enough of holding her. She was his daughter — HIS. Nobody would ever threaten or harm this child again without going over or through his dead body.
Miss Parker smiled softly. "I remember how it felt when the judge pronounced Davy mine at last," she remembered. "I don't think my feet touched the ground for a week. It got so bad, I guess, that even Broots and Sydney were laughing at me for a while. So…" she leaned her chin into her hand, forgetting the paperwork in front of her entirely for the moment, "what did you decide to do to celebrate — go out for Pez or something?"
"You're close," Jarod laughed out loud. "We're sitting in a Baskin Robbins eating ice cream — Mom's treat."
"She went with you?"
"Yeah." He gazed fondly at his mother. "And I'm glad she did."
"Please tell me this means that you'll be needing the jet tomorrow… Is your packing done?"
"Packing's almost done, but not for tomorrow. I still have a few loose ends to tie up at the office and elsewhere — and Em's throwing a going-away dinner for Sprite and me tomorrow night. Have the jet here and ready Saturday morning — we'll be in the air by nine our time at the latest."
"I can't wait," she commented earnestly. "It's time you came home, Jarod. I need you HERE, and Davy misses you terribly…"
"I'm coming, Missy — with my daughter and your future mother-in-law." He smiled. "How are things going on your end today… Oh geez, I didn't even think – did I interrupt…"
"No, I was just looking over some research contracts," she soothed. "Things are actually starting to look up today for a change — Tyler called a while back to say that our contact in the Pentagon says that our problem with the military wanting to restart some of those 'old Centre-style' projects shouldn't be an issue for us anymore. The construction on the new Tower building is progressing nicely…" She looked out her window again, this time actually seeing the beams and girders that were the slowly growing Tower jutting more than two stories into the air now.
"How's Sydney?"
"Back to putting up a good front, probably. I think he should probably be your first patient when you get back here, Dr. Russell," she closed her eyes. "He's doing a Post-Traumatic Stress number on us — all the shit from his days at Dachau that he's kept locked away all this time has broken loose…"
"Damn! I'll see if he'll let me work with him once I get there," Jarod promised. "How did he sleep last night?"
"I'm not sure — I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet," she admitted. "Kevin and Deb picked him up after Bennett sprung him from Renewal & Medical. I'll probably go over after supper tonight — I made him promise me yesterday that he'd talk to me, share some of what he's been keeping locked away. I don't intend to let him off the hook now."
"Be careful and don't press too hard. And if he gets too upset with what he's remembering and sharing with you, tell Kevin to give him one of his old pain meds," Jarod suggested. "Those things used to knock him out flat for the better part of a night — and he's going to need something to move him past his nightmares so he can rest and heal from everything else."
"I'll talk to Kevin and see what I can do," she promised, "but you know how Sydney gets when it comes to taking medication…"
Jarod shook his head. "He can be a stubborn old man," he commented dryly, slipping a glance at his mother, who was listening to the discussion of the person who was the reason for her accompanying him to Delaware with great interest. "Have you told him about Mom coming to meet him yet?"
"Not yet," she admitted. "I'll tell him tonight — that will give him a day or so to get used to the idea. Have you talked to your Mom about how he's not doing so good…"
"Some. I'll lay out the whole thing to her on the plane," he promised. "I should let you go — and I have a little girl with a sticky face…" He grinned down into Ginger's face, which now had vanilla and chocolate completely ringing her mouth.
"I love you," Miss Parker breathed. "I can't wait for Saturday."
"It's just two more days, Missy," he said softly. "I love you too, and I miss you. I'll call you later tonight."
"Give me a REAL late night call," she chuckled, "the kind you used to – just for old time's sake?"
Jarod chuckled in a low and intimate tone. "I can do that. Tell me, will you answer the way you used to?"
"I'll try to remember," she lowered her voice until it was sultry and provocative, sending chills of desire down Jarod's spine.
"Until tonight, then," he responded in a tone that was slightly shaky. He couldn't remember how long it had been since they'd last played this provocative game of subtext and insinuation — and he had forgotten just how stimulating it could be playing with someone who was as much a master at it as he was. God he missed her!
She smiled. Mission accomplished — now she knew that he missed her at least as much as she missed him. "Until tonight, Wonder-boy," she whispered intimately. She disconnected the call and hung up her receiver, and then landed her chin in her palm again with a wistful sigh, still ignoring the contracts on her desk in front of her. Knowing that the time before he'd be with her again was growing shorter by the minute was not helped by the fact that time seemed to be absolutely crawling.
"Miss Parker? Your two-thirty appointment is here," Mei-Chiang announced in a business-like tone over the intercom.
Miss Parker shook herself mentally, closed the folder over the contract, and pushed the button. "Send her in," she said and straightened in her chair. First things first.
Deb pulled her little Nova into the garage, marveling at how easy it was to do that when Grandpa's big Lincoln wasn't already there. She shut off the engine and climbed from behind the wheel. Her afternoon had been very relaxing and fun — several of the elementary school kids that lived in the neighborhood had been in to check out new books, and she'd been able to arrange to sit down in a far corner of the children's books section and do an impromptu story-time. The librarian had nodded and given her permission when she'd asked, knowing that Deb had been in charge of such a thing when she'd worked there before.
She opened the door from the garage into the kitchen and dropped her keys into her purse, which she left on the very end of the kitchen counter where it had found a place since moving in with Grandpa. Kevin, at the refrigerator getting himself a cold drink, turned quickly and crooked his finger at her to follow him into the hallway. "He knows," he said briefly once they were hopefully out of earshot of the den.
Deb nodded. Kevin had been acting in a very guilty way around Sydney, and one of the major themes of their discussions over the past day and a half had been about how he feared her father and grandfather were going to be angry with him. It wasn't surprising that he hadn't been able to resist her grandfather's considerable talent for worming out uncomfortable truths. "And?"
"He's not happy," Kevin said, knowing the description to be completely inadequate.
"Deb? Can you come in here for a bit, please?" Sydney's voice called from the den.
The two young people looked at each other in sympathy, then Deb turned her steps to answer his call. Kevin walked behind her and, just before she went through the door, threaded his fingers with hers supportively. "Hi, Grandpa," Deb greeted the older man with a smile. She really was glad he was home and safe — he was such a large part of what made her feel safe and secure now. Even if he was upset with her…
"Kevin, I'd prefer to talk to my granddaughter alone, if you don't mind," Sydney said to his protégé pointedly.
The dismissal stung, but Kevin nodded agreement. He dropped a rebellious kiss on Deb's cheek before turning and leaving the room, and Deb watched him walk back into the kitchen. Then she turned to Sydney. "Yes?"
"Sit down. I'd like to talk to you," he said, pointing to the same chair in which Kevin had sat only a few hours earlier. He then watched her throw her blonde braid over her shoulder casually, walk across the room in front of him and take her seat demurely.
How he loved her — this granddaughter of the heart! He had been allowed the supreme privilege of watching her bloom from cute but awkward pre-teen into a bubbling teenager and now into a charming and beautiful young woman. He had felt a true kinship with Broots in protecting her from the raging hormones of her occasional dates in high school, almost rejoicing that she had never found anyone she liked well enough to 'go steady.'
Her kidnap and assault had distressed him greatly, but he'd considered that he had her feet firmly planted on the road to recovery. If things had gone as he had hoped, she wouldn't have even considered anything more than just a platonic relationship with Kevin or anybody else at least until the nightmares had abated. Now he was in the position of having to do damage control as the result of the relationship turning abruptly and unexpectedly intimate, and he would not have the luxury of being anything less than totally frank and blunt to find out just where the harm had happened.
"Kevin told me that circumstances between the two of you have changed," he opened the topic cautiously.
Deb, it seemed, was far less guilty about what had happened. "Yes, I know," she answered. "He told me you weren't very happy about it too."
"Deb…"
"But to be completely honest with you, I'm not sorry about anything, Grandpa, except that it makes you upset," she said calmly. "I didn't intend to do this now, or wait until the first time you weren't here to…"
"Sleep with him?" he finished for her, to be repaid when she looked at him sharply. "Tell me, did it answer all of your questions for you?"
"Yes." She raised her chin in defiance. If Grandpa wanted to be blunt, he'd get blunt in return. "It answered most of them, anyway. For one thing, I didn't freak out while we were making out — which was the worst thing I'd been afraid of. And the sex didn't hurt like I thought it would either — actually, it felt good…"
Sydney sighed. That wasn't the point at all — and he could really do without the defiance and bravado. There was, unfortunately, only one quick and effective way to get past that — going straight to the heart of her current emotional agony. "Tell me, did finding out what it felt like to have intercourse with a man do any good in chasing your nightmares away?" She opened her eyes wide at the complete bluntness of the question, and Sydney could tell he'd knocked much of that defiance away as he had intended. "That IS why you wanted to have sex with him in the first place, was it not?"
"Yes." She knew he could tell if she was lying, so didn't even bother. She should have known that he was able to read her far better than anybody she'd ever met — including her father.
"So, did it do any good?"
The blue eyes finally wavered and eventually found the pattern of the rug at her feet. "No. It just changed the context of the dream."
"And so now you have Kevin in your nightmare too," he told her. She nodded. "Is it Kevin that molests you now, or chases you?"
"No," she said softly. "Now I begin the dream making love with Kevin — and it's good — and then slowly everything changes until…"
"You're being raped by the man who molested you instead. Now he isn't merely touching you, like what really happened, but actually having sex with you." He'd been afraid this would happen.
"Yes." The answer was whispered.
At the kitchen door, Kevin had to work hard not to gasp out loud in shock and total dismay. No wonder she was so upset when she awoke — or fought his attempts to hold her close until she broke free of the dream — she thought he was THAT man! And then he finally processed what had been revealed before that — that she'd had sex with him the first time NOT because she loved him or wanted HIM, but just to find out what it felt like. It was like a punch to the gut. He had been nothing but a convenient and available male.
Sydney's sharp ears caught the tiny sound of new emotional agony from just beyond the kitchen door and winced inwardly. This was what he'd been afraid of – that the two of them, in their naïveté and eagerness, would have prepared the ground to hurt each other dreadfully through misunderstanding and inexperience. Now there would be damage control that would be needed with Kevin too, to repair what the truth about Deb's initial agenda had caused to a very tender and vulnerable heart.
Kevin walked from the door to the den and into the living room in a fog of confusion and disappointment. But… he loved her, didn't he? She loved him, didn't she? Or was it all just a healthy case of lust and poor impulse control on his part and the intent to use him in an experiment on Deb's? Was Sydney right – did he truly know nothing about what love was? She'd said that they would marry eventually – had that been nothing but illusion as well?
Not wanting to stay in the house one moment longer, he walked very deliberately and slowly out the front door and across the street to the grass under his favorite tree. He then stood trying to do the breathing exercises to ground himself to begin the kata, praying desperately that the exercise would allow him to clear his mind so that he could think more effectively later.
Sydney gazed at his granddaughter sadly. "So having intercourse with Kevin didn't help matters at all, in fact."
"But it did," she insisted, looking up now. "I found out that Kevin loves me – a lot – and that I love him too – at least as much. He's kind and gentle, and he takes such good care of me when I'm trying to wake up from one of those nightmares. I'm not sorry one bit that I didn't listen to him when he kept trying to stop things that first time. It just felt so good to have someone touch me and not have it hurt when he finally made love to me…"
"Kevin tried to stop you?" Sydney winced again. Deb was a headstrong girl – if she had decided ahead of time that she would eventually sleep with Kevin, and the circumstances had lent themselves to her cause, Kevin could very well have tried to heed his mentor's wishes without the slightest chance of succeeding.
"Several times. Once even just before we…" Deb made an unconscious but telling gesture and then finally found it to be something that made her blush. "I could tell it was hard for him..."
"How many of your reasons for wanting to make love with him did he understand ahead of time?" Sydney asked. "Did he know that what you did was as much to see what it was like as it was anything else?"
"I don't know," she answered with real lack of knowledge. "It just happened so fast, I don't think…" She paused to think. "I would never hurt him." She thought again, and leaned forward earnestly. "Grandpa, you do realize that Kevin would be the only one I'd ever want to be with, don't you? I love him… I've loved him for a while now…"
"Listen to me," Sydney said urgently. "You are in a place where you are going to hurt him very badly if he thinks your real reasons for having sex with him initially had nothing to do with HIM. I know…" he put up his hands when she started to object, "…that you say you have fallen in love with him and he with you. I believe you, but that's frankly beside the point. What you have to realize is that Kevin has, at best, an idealized view of love and the way life works. Anything other than the most idealized reasons for sleeping with him will have a negative impact on his psyche – and, believe it or not, Kevin is a very fragile person."
"I love him," Deb stated firmly. "I want to marry him – maybe even have his kids someday. I'd never do anything to hurt him…"
"You may already have hurt him, ma petite," Sydney told her sadly. "I didn't realize it, but he was listening to our conversation – especially to that part when you told me point blank that you'd had sex with him to find out what it felt like. I heard his reaction – he didn't take it well."
"GRANDPA!!" Deb leapt to her feet. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I misjudged him," Sydney admitted ruefully. "I hadn't considered that he would have waited at the kitchen door to see what we talked about – probably with the intent of using that knowledge to help you as much as he could later on, or comforting you if I got too angry with you and chewed too hard. He was trying to protect you — and now it's backfired on him by giving information he really didn't need to know."
"I have to find him… talk to him…"
"Let him alone for a while," Sydney shook his head. "He may not be able to hear you right now. Besides, we have a few more matters to discuss…"
Deb looked down at her grandfather. "I know you mean well, Grandpa, but right now I need to make things right with Kevin. Everything else can wait until later. I can't let what he heard you and me talking about ruin what the two of US have. I can't live without him…" With the beginnings of a tear in her eye, she bolted from the room.
Sydney sighed and leaned back against his pillows feeling both old and helpless. He'd seen the expression in his granddaughter's eye as well just now – she loved Kevin deeply. It hadn't just been a case of uncontrolled libido after maybe the first time — and maybe she was right that even the first time might have been as much about Kevin as it had been about trying to erase the memory of one man's touch with another's.
As much as he might disapprove of how it had come about, he had a young couple beginning a life together under his roof. It would be both in his and their best interests to help them resolve this unexpected wrinkle in their new relationship as soon as possible.
No doubt Kevin would be in to talk to him about what he'd heard eventually. Hopefully he could manage to smooth any ruffled feathers then that Deb missed now. And in the meantime, he could start to try to figure out how to explain the situation to Broots in such a way that his old friend would give his daughter and her chosen mate the same benefit of the doubt, and save them any more grief from that direction.
Deb trotted through to the front of the house and peered into the living room, only to find the room empty. She happened to glance out the big picture window, however, and that was when she saw him, standing beneath the old oak tree across the street, going through his martial arts exercise with a quietly desperate look on his face. Sydney was right – he HAD heard, and he HAD been hurt by the truth of the situation at first.
She took a deep breath and walked out the front door, down the sidewalk, across the street, and finally came to a stop a few paces in front of him. "We need to talk," she said as calmly as she could.
"What is there to say?" he demanded bitterly, continuing his exercise with difficulty but unwilling to give up the movements at least – they kept her away from him physically. The moment she got too close to him, he knew his mind stopped working right as his body and his heart took over.
"I want to explain…" she pleaded. "Grandpa said you were listening…"
"I was — I didn't mean to, but now I guess it's better that I did," he snapped at her as his exercise turned him ninety degrees in another direction and away from her. "At least I won't go through life thinking you made love to me that first time because you wanted me."
"What are you talking about? Of COURSE I wanted you!" she retorted.
"No you didn't." Kevin gave up the exercise and whirled to accuse her to her face. "I was just a convenient man – and anyone with pants and a penis would have done…"
"How dare you!" Deb was incensed. "Do you honestly think I would have let just anybody touch me? Hell, if that were the case, why do you think having that man paw me all over and put his fingers inside me would have given me nightmares?"
"But…" Now he was confused again, and he was starting to really hate being confused all the time when it came to Deb. "You told Sydney that he was right – that you had sex with me just to find out what it was like…"
"I know that's what you heard, but listen to me! You knew some of that to start with, or at least I thought you did — I thought I told you I needed to know whether I could ever let anybody touch me again… But Kevin, YOU have always been the only man I've ever actually WANTED that way." She gazed at him sadly. "I knew that you cared for me, and that I cared for you too – and I knew that making love with me for you wouldn't just be something that you'd hang on the wall like a trophy, or brag about to Sydney or maybe to Tyler…"
"I would never do anything like that…" Kevin was beyond astounded.
"I know," Deb said gently and finally put out a hand and took his with great care. "And that's part of the reason I love you, Kevin. Nothing has changed. I wanted to be with you that first night, and I want to be with you now. When I agreed with Grandpa that that I had wanted to know what sex was like, what I was really saying was that I had wanted to know what being with YOU was like – I wasn't talking about sex in general with just anybody with pants and a penis. Can you understand that?"
Kevin shook his head. "No," he said sadly. "Sydney's right, I don't understand anything at all about love or relationships. I don't understand you at all."
"There's only one thing you need to understand about love right now," Deb told him and stepped closer. "And that is that I love you, Kevin Green, with my whole heart. Please don't push me away. I don't want to live without you beside me. I couldn't take it."
He stared down into her face. He wanted to trust her, but his confidence in her love for him had been shaken badly. He couldn't see any sign that she was telling him anything but the truth as she knew it, and it was obvious that she was desperate to make him believe her — but still... He put out his arms and gathered her to him roughly and held her as tightly as he could. "God, Deb! I want to believe you…"
Deb closed her eyes and swallowed hard, knowing that something completely pure and untarnished had been damaged — how badly and whether it could be repaired was yet to be seen. She put her arms around him and held him just as tightly as he was holding her. "Hush," she soothed, her hands moving in gentle circles at his back. "Everything will be OK, Kevin, you'll see. We'll be OK. I love you, and you'll see that you CAN believe me. I love you so much it hurts…" She leaned her head against his shoulder and swallowed as a tear fell to her cheek.
"I want to believe you," he murmured into her neck brokenly. "But I don't know what I'm doing here anymore — this is all so much more complicated than I thought it would be. I really thought that you wanted ME that night..."
"I did! For me, wanting to experience sex meant wanting YOU — the two were never separate thoughts," she tried to reassure him again and pressed herself tightly against him. "God, please don't doubt me like this."
Kevin captured her lips with his in a fiery and passionate kiss, still not entirely convinced and desperate for reassurance anyway he could get it. Deb returned his passion measure for measure, holding him possessively and eagerly. Her kiss almost convinced him — but only almost. Even now, with all of her reassurances, there was a niggling little doubt in the back of his mind. Deb knew so much more about all of this than he did, knew the nuances — and knew what she might be able to get away with by banking on his ignorance in the matter. The doubt was like a tiny kernel of agony in the middle of his heart.
And even with her pliant and willing in his arms now, that shard of agony wouldn't go away.
"Miss Parker, Mr. Tyler was wondering if you had time to see him for a minute." Mei-Chiang announced over the intercom.
"Send him in," Miss Parker sighed and closed down the folder of research contracts. It was getting late, and her mind didn't want to focus on work anymore. She had a long talk with Sydney yet to come, as well as an interesting phone call from Jarod to look forward to. She pushed the folder back and then leaned back in her chair as her Executive Assistant walked through the door and ambled to one of the chairs in front of her desk. "Almost quitting time, Sir Edmond."
"I know — and I wanted to talk to you before you took off tonight." Tyler crossed his long legs in front of him. "I know I'm kinda new to the rules and regs of living life at the Centre's upper stratosphere…"
"What's on your mind?" she interrupted. "Something wrong?"
"No, well… I don't know yet," he answered honestly. "I need to know where the lines in the sand are regarding relationships with fellow employees here at the Centre."
Miss Parker's eyebrows soared and she breathed a secret sigh of relief. This was a personal matter — nothing earth shattering or sanity threatening. "What kind of relationship — or do I need to ask?"
"A certain lady here has… caught my eye, as it were. I need to know if there are any restrictions on taking a professional relationship and making it into a possibly romantic one."
"And the lady in question is…" Miss Parker pried carefully.
"Xing-Li."
The brows soared higher. "Here and I thought you were interested in Deb Broots. Didn't you and Kevin nearly come to blows…"
"Yeah," he admitted, "but Deb and I only went out the one time before…" He halted — he still didn't like to think about what had happened to her. "Besides, face it — he's there with her at Sydney's, and I'm working here. He's there for her, and I'm not. He promised he'd keep things neutral until she was ready to deal with the both of us again, but to be honest, I don't know how, with things as they are, that he'll be able to keep his word. When she needs a shoulder, she'll have to go to either Sydney or Kevin — and I won't even know that anything happened. It'll be awfully hard for him to STAY neutral, no matter how hard he tries."
"You're giving up?"
"I'm facing reality," he corrected her, "and moving on. Besides, I've found that there's an equally interesting and intriguing lady far closer to my own world right now — and so we return to the question of whether there's a problem…"
Miss Parker folded her arms over her chest. "Do you think there will be a problem, Tyler? Can you keep your professional life and your personal life completely separate, to the point that if you have problems between you personally, you both will still be able to do your job properly?"
Tyler's dark eyes met hers solidly. "I'd like to think so, ma'am."
"What does Xing-Li think of this?"
Tyler's face grew chagrined. "She's firmly convinced that we occupy different planetary spheres practically," he replied. "The other night, I invited her out for ice cream and had to work harder than I've ever had to just to convince her to say yes." He scratched his head.
"Sounds like she's trying to keep that part of her life as far distant from work as she can," she commented quietly.
"I told her that I'd ask you if there were any problems to our seeing whether we could have a professional association and a private relationship, so that we'd both know how things sat before we tried anything. She agreed that I should speak to you." He blinked at her. "So, what do you think?"
Miss Parker pressed her lips together. "If the two of you worked in separate offices, there'd be no problem at all — I have no problem with Mei-Chiang and Sam, for example. The question here is if you can have a close professional association and a romance at the same time without either ruining the romance or getting your emotions tangled in your work situation."
"I know. That's why I wanted to talk to you first." Tyler could see her weighing her thoughts on the matter carefully.
"I'll allow it on one condition," she said finally after long and careful consideration.
"Name it."
"That if things start to get sticky, one relationship or the other HAS to go." Her grey eyes were serious and quite decided. "You'll have to decide, at that point, whether you wanted to live without your secretary or your girlfriend — because you couldn't have both." She folded her arms across her chest. "All it will take will be one hint of trouble reaching me — whether you're aware of it or not — and I'll be in your office telling you that you'll have to choose which you keep and which you lose. I'm not sure a close work relationship and a close romantic relationship can survive for long, if you want to know the truth — although I'm open to being proven wrong on the point. But those are my terms. Do you agree?"
Tyler thought about it for a while and could see that, given her obvious hesitancy about having both a close work and person relationship, she was still giving him room to make a proper go of it on both fronts if he could manage it. "Agreed." He smiled. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," she smiled at him and stretched. "I wish all my problems here were so easily disposed of. I've been staring at these damned things for over an hour now…" She pushed at the file folders with frustrated fingers. "Have you got anything going on first thing tomorrow morning? I could really use an extra brain helping me think through the terms of these contracts…"
"I'll make the time," Tyler replied, rising. "I'll be in at eight — with coffee — and we'll check out those contracts and get them out of your hair."
"Thanks," she rose as well. "I mean that," she appended, serious all of a sudden. "You've been a God-send and about as dependable an assistant as I could ever have wanted. You were SO damned wasted down in that morgue…"
"Why, shucks, ma'am…"
"Shut up and tell Xing-Li I said to loosen up a bit and enjoy herself," she laughed out loud. "And be good to her. She's a sweet girl."
"Yes, ma'am," Tyler agreed readily, dark eyes sparkling. "You won't have to worry about that at all."
Miss Parker watched him walk from her office with a slightly livelier step than the one he'd walked in with and smiled to herself. Tyler WAS a good man — she had yet to regret her decision to give him the position of her assistant. He'd lived up to the challenge she'd promised, and then some! All she needed now was for Jarod to get home and Broots and Sydney to heal enough, and she'd have a killer team on whom she could depend utterly.
Then she stretched again and reached for her briefcase. It was time, if she was going to talk to Sydney at all, for her to get going.
Sydney heard the front door shut softly. "Deb? Kevin? Would you please come back here?" he called out, wishing he had taken the time they both had been out of the house to disconnect himself from the therapy machine so that he could be more mobile. This was NOT a time to be constantly tied down to a couch in a back room.
Deb came through the den door first — and his heart dropped at the despondent look on her face. He put out a hand to her. "Ma petite?"
She rushed at him and threw herself into his arms. "I don't think he believes me anymore when I tell him I love him, Grandpa — I can tell. Everything's gone wrong now — what am I going to do?"
Sydney hushed at her for a moment. "Let me talk to him," he said finally when Deb had stopped shaking. "I told you that I didn't think that he'd be ready to listen to you yet." He saw motion out of the corner of his eye and turned his head to see Kevin leaning against the doorjamb with a dejected look on his face. "Go on now. Let me talk to him. Go up to your room and clean up — don't make Kevin's mistake and stand at the door to eavesdrop."
Deb shot her grandfather a grateful look and then rose to leave, pausing by the door as if wanting to leave a kiss or caress but being prevented by the expression and attitude of the young man who then simply moved out of her way and into the den. She sniffed and continued on her way up to her bedroom where she knew all she'd do would be to sit on the edge of the bed and cry.
"You're being very hard on her," Sydney said in an even voice. "You should know better than to listen in on another person's therapy session — the things said between Deb and me aren't meant for anybody else to hear."
"She lied to me," Kevin shook his head as he sat down. "All she wanted was a man — not me."
"If that's what you want to believe, then you're going to do her an incredible amount of damage," Sydney snapped at him, bringing the blue eyes up in surprise. "Whatever her intentions when she put things into motion, the end result is that she's very much in love with you NOW. But if your ego can't take knowing that it might not have been all about your charming wit and personality at the very first, then your rejection of her will be disastrous to you both."
"But…" Damn it, Kevin thought to himself, here he was, confused about Deb again. "I don't understand her at all…"
"Kevin, when it comes to love, sometimes it just doesn't pay to try to understand women." Sydney shook his head ruefully. "Men have been puzzling over the minds and hearts of women for eons — and we still can't get it quite right. The best thing you can do right now is stop trying to understand and let your heart feel which way is right," Sydney told him earnestly. "That girl has given herself to you literally and figuratively — her body as well as her heart. Don't destroy her with your doubts and insecurities."
Kevin looked back over his mentor's shoulder at the den door — and the path it would take for him to find her upstairs. "She loves me?" he asked, refocusing on his mentor. "You're sure?"
"As sure as I am that you're very much in love with her," Sydney answered truthfully. "And as much as I regret that my granddaughter didn't wait until she was married before she became intimate with a man, I have to work with what the situation is now — and so do you. You need to do is go up to her and apologize for being an self-absorbed ass before she works herself into the kind of depression that can seriously hurt her."
The blue eyes blinked and stared at him for the blunt criticism he'd just delivered in such a even tone. "You think I'm being an ass?"
"Out of ignorance, I'll admit, but yes you are." Sydney's gaze was both accusing and sympathetic. "You have forgotten that she's as confused and befuddled about this whole thing as you are — and she's very vulnerable right now. She has given to you freely what that man in California would have taken by force — and now she's afraid that you'll throw it back at her as worthless simply because you heard something you weren't supposed to. Her sense of self-worth is very fragile, and that will destroy it completely."
Kevin glanced at the door again. Despite everything, he didn't want to hurt her. He still did love her, even if he was having trouble understanding her.
"It comes down to this," Sydney continued insistently. "Do you love her enough to forgive her whatever sin you think she committed by having something else on her mind when she first began to make love to you?" He watched Kevin think hard. "If you can forgive her, then get up there and make things right with her before they go completely wrong. But if you can't, then you'll disappoint me more than any other person I've ever met has by turning out to be nothing more than another heartless Centre-created automaton."
Kevin was shocked. "I'm not an automaton," he complained softly. "I'm not."
"Then prove it," was the quiet and insistent retort. "Forgive her and fix things between you."
The chestnut eyes gazed expectantly into Kevin's blues, waiting to see what he felt that he was capable of. Kevin shot another glance at the door and then rose and started to move toward it. "Kevin?" The young Pretender turned and looked down. "You both are going to need reassurance from the other about your love for each other now. Deb threatened yours when you heard her talking to me — you've threatened hers now when you couldn't accept what you heard and turned cold. Do yourself and her a favor — don't go for the quick fix. Take your time and do whatever it takes to make it right again — do you understand?" Sydney looked into his eyes urgently. "Do WHATEVER it takes — however long it takes to accomplish that."
Kevin nodded and walked through the house and up the stairs. He paused in front of Deb's door and could hear the sound of muffled sobs from within. He knocked softly.
"Go away," her voice said, choking back another sob.
He pushed the door open and walked in anyway. Deb was facedown on the bed, hugging her pillow to her chest. She turned away from him immediately. "We need to talk," he said quietly, getting a sense of dejá-vu.
"What is there to say?" she replied bitterly and brokenly, only heightening the sense of repeating a scene out of his life. "You don't trust me, you don't believe me…"
He came over and sat down on the bed next to her. "Sydney thinks I'm behaving like an ass," he told her bluntly. "And maybe I am. I don't know. I DON'T know about love. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm miserable now thinking that everything that we've had for the last day or so is gone. I don't want to lose it — or lose you."
She rolled slightly so that she could look at him. "But you have already lost it, Kevin. You won't trust me or believe me when I tell you I love you." She started shaking her head hard when he opened his mouth to complain. "Don't bother denying it — I could feel the difference when you held me." Her tears hadn't stopped. "It's all ruined now."
"I'm sorry," Kevin said, genuinely contrite — he was fully aware that she was doing to him exactly what he'd done to her, and knew he deserved it. "I shouldn't have gotten so upset at what you told Sydney. In the first place, I wasn't supposed to listen in, and in the second, it doesn't make any difference if we love each other NOW, does it?"
"But DO you love me — really?" she demanded, a sob making her voice catch. "If you can distrust me and turn so cold over so little, how can I be sure that you really do love me?"
"The same way that I can find out whether you really love me or not," he told her and captured her attention. "We've both done and said things today that have hurt each other. We're going to have to let them go — and move past them. It was Sydney that finally explained it to me — that no matter what you were thinking before, NOW you are in love with me." He looked down. "Or, at least, that's what he believes. And no matter what I did out at the park, I do love you now — very much. He believes me too." He looked back into her eyes intently. "We're going to have to trust each other a little bit — and then go out of our way to prove that our mutual trust isn't misplaced, that we DO love each other as much as we say."
"What do you mean?" Her blue eyes were wide and vulnerable.
He finally putting a gentle hand on her back. "I'm asking for a chance to prove to you that I love you and believe in you again."
"So what now — you want a little roll in the hay, and think that sex going to solve all our problems this time, is it?" she asked him bitterly, holding onto her pillow like a shield between them.
"I have no intention of going out and rolling around on cut and dried grass," Kevin told her with a confused frown and then grew serious again. "And this has nothing to do with sex. I'm saying that we stop trying to hurt one another and just let ourselves be who we were before this whole stupid misunderstanding began — back when we believed in each other."
"But we don't anymore…" she complained softly. "Believe in each other anymore, I mean."
"But I want to believe in you very much, and I'm willing to give you the chance to show me that I can," he replied, smoothing his hand in a circle on her back. "The question is whether or not you want to believe in me anymore, and whether you're willing to give me a chance too."
She sat up, the pillow she'd been holding dropping to her lap and no longer making a barrier between them. "It isn't a case of want — I need to believe in you, Kevin," she told him sadly, "but more than that, I need you to believe in ME. I'm nothing if you don't love me anymore. I don't think I can live without that anymore."
"Then that's where we start," he said softly and reached for her. This time when he gathered her to him, it was gently and with all the love that he couldn't help but feel for her — and she rested against him, relieved to be back in his arms again and began weeping. "What did we do wrong to screw this up so quickly and so badly?" she asked sadly.
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "But I swear to you that I don't ever want it to happen again." He wrapped his arms around her and scooted onto the bed just a bit further so he could lean back against the headboard with her comfortably against him, and she wrapped her arms around his waist tightly.
"I don't either," she replied sadly.
This time, as Kevin held her, Deb could feel that he wasn't holding anything back — and the relief she felt at that kept the tears flowing for a long time. That he had come back to her and insisted on working through the misunderstanding to get back to this point was what she had needed to know that he did still love her — to know that repairing that which had been damaged was possible. And as he held her, Kevin very deliberately turned his mind away from that shard of painful doubt after stomping on it. To have her back in his arms, and to know that just the thought of his rejecting her would distress her so much was all the proof he needed right now that she did indeed love him very much. Sydney was right. How she got to this point was irrelevant — THIS was what was important now.
So this was what love was REALLY like, he thought ruefully, cradling Deb and rocking her gently to soothe her. It was nothing like the storybooks or movies made it out to be — it wasn't something to be taken for granted. It didn't just happen and then remain a permanent fixture in a life. It would take work and vigilance and mutual effort to nurture it as time went on — and there would be times when that work would be difficult and painful.
No wonder Sydney had warned him against taking this step before he was ready, and no wonder Sydney had been upset when he hadn't listened — when neither of them had listened. This simple misunderstanding — so easily sparked, so painfully resolved — was a warning to them both.
This wasn't going to be easy after all.
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