Season 1 Episode 12: Even when you yell

Summary: Tragedy tests relationships and this is only the beginning

A/N: not mine

Veronica's POV

Before the news even has even remotely sunk in I am pulling an illegal U-turn and heading towards to Echolls mansion. Our little fight seems so embarrassingly immature right now. Two people who weren't really angry just eager to one up each other and too stubborn to apologize. I swing in to the servant's entrance to avoid the paparazzi that guard the gate like blood-thirsty vultures.

"Where is he?" I ask quietly. Mrs. Navarro is fretting about the kitchen with tears in her eyes and I find it awfully sad that one of the few people who care about Lynn is making sandwiches instead of mourning.

"In his room. He isn't taking any visitors." I give her a look that she knows mean she isn't going to stop me. In the post-Lilly, pre-exile stage I had gone up to Logan's room many of times he was refusing to see anyone.

"And Mr. Echolls?" Considering I might accidentally run into him with a butcher's knife if I see him right now I figure avoidance is key.

"Giving a press conference" I don't miss the bite in her words. What kind of father holds a press conference when his wife dies? Did he think for a moment Logan may need him? "Take these up to him. See if you can't get him to eat something." Mrs Navarro has made his favourite deviled egg sandwiches but somehow I doubt he'll be very hungry. I nod and take the plate anyways knowing if he can be tempted to eat anything it will be this.

The eerie quiet of the house sends shivers up my spine and I as I lean up against Logan's door I hear the very distinct sound of sniffling. I stand at the door for a second before I realize I am eavesdropping on a extremely personal moment. Logan rarely cried. Even when Lilly died his tears were shed in private. To the world he only showed his anger. Quietly I slip through the door and walk over to the bed where Logan is lying, his head stuffed in a pillow. He doesn't notice me until I sit on the bed and start rubbing circles on his back. Surprisingly he doesn't lash our of shun the small bit of comfort I give him and I think he's probably sorry too. That's probably what the 4 missed calls from him were about. We're silent for a while, Logan letting the tears slip out and me tracing gentle patterns on his back.

"You came." He says finally. His smile is uncharacteristically soft and I think he finally understands that I choose him.

"I'll always be here for you Logan." I say wiping away the last of his tears "Even when you yell, even when I yell." Aside from sounding totally lame the speech drives the point home and he shuffles over to let me lie down on the bed beside him. He kisses the top of my head and pulls me close and I know its his way of saying forgiving me and apologizing at the same time. Moments later, due to the emotional exhaustion of the day, he is sound asleep. Careful not to wake him I grab my cell and tip-toe in to the hallway.

"Hey dad"

"I bet I know where you are right now." Although the world doesn't know we are dating my father does. When he walked in to finding us making out on the couch I figured we'd better be dating if Logan didn't want to meet the shot-gun. "How's he doing?"

"Hurting but brave." If that's not embossed on his body somewhere it should be.

"When should I expect you home"

"Dad…"

"You sleep there tonight and that's it." Well, that was easy.

Logan's POV

She came. We had both over-reacted, blowing up and saying things we didn't quite mean is our specialty, but she hadn't left me and that's more than I can say for the other women in my life. My heart clenched again as he thought of his mother. A swan dive off the Coronado Bridge. It wasn't an ashtray to the head but the fact that it was her choice stung more than anything I could imagined. When the most important people in your life start dying you start to wonder if you're the catalyst for the destruction. I protectively stroke the wave of blonde hair lying across my chest. The Logan/Veronica combo would be different then the Duncan/Veronica combo. It goes without saying we would be more intense, passion wasn't exactly Duncan's forte, but we would also be more destructive. Our fight today was over nothing, a mix of frustration and unprompted jealousy. If we ever had cause fight over something real, then the words would fly like daggers. I am not Duncan. I am not calm or safe or dependable.

"I'm not that easy to get along with."

"Really. I hadn't noticed." She says with a small smile.

"I'm not Duncan" I don't say it this time with that possessive tone I say it as merely a statement. She looks up with a devilish smirk and leans in to kiss me.

"Really? Well that explains the 6-pack." She trails her fingers down my stomach with uncharacteristic boldness. "the sense of humour" she pecks me again "and the butterflies that seems to have taken up residence in my stomach." she punctuates with a light fluttery kiss. "and the really hot kisses." to prove her point she kisses me hard and passionately before pulling back and letting her finger trail down my face. "No you most certainly are not Duncan Kane." I hold her close feeling ridiculous for letting my father's comments about Duncan almost ruin my relationship with Veronica.

"We can tell him now or we can wait until after…"She trails off because she doesn't want me to feel like she has Duncan on retainer or that I have to risk losing my best friend when I just lost my mother.

"I'll tell him after things settle down a bit." She nods and lays her head back down. The temporary reprieve in to relationship disaster land was better than the current mother-suicide land. Trying desperately to stop the raging surge or grief threatening to overflow I turn on the TV. Veronica lays her arm across my stomach protectively and doesn't object to watching infomercials for the next few hours. Somewhere between the egg-stractor and the nose hair plucker I managed to drift off into a restless sleep. If I were awake I would have witnessed a rare moment of Old Veronica rearing her head as she tucked me in, replaced the tequila bottle with water and kissed me on the forehead before she went to sleep in Trina's room

Veronica's POV

You can tell who you true friends are by the way they respond to a crisis in your life. The days leading up to Logan's funeral made his magic number five.

Dick ditched Madison to have guy time with Logan. The fact that his 'guy time' meant he brought over numerous bloody, violent video games wasn't the point. The point was that he was there and he had risked Madison's wrath for it, was. My non-existent respect for Dick grew to semi-respect at that moment. He also managed to 'accidentally' hit one of the paparazzi members with his car which gained him major bonus points with Logan.

Duncan ran the 8 houses down from the Kane mansion and started planning. Being all stiff-upper lip and boy-don't-cry, Duncan didn't invite conversation but he made the following week exceptionally easy on Logan. Aaron was too busy having press conferences and organizing the fancy wake to actually plan the small, private service Lynn requested. So Duncan did it as well as dealt with the help, stashed the sympathy baking and bought out all the tabloids at the nearby store and preceded to trash them.

Mac, still unsure of where her and Logan stood friendship wise, was too uncomfortable to deliver any sympathetic speeches or bring up his mother in general. However, the Star website, which was currently milking Lynn's death for all it was worth, mysteriously crashed and was unable to show the story to its faithful viewers. A fat stack of burned DVDs, including some which would be impossible to get with out some serious illegal, hacking manoeuvres appeared in the Echolls mailbox. There was no doubt who they came from.

Wallace stepped up as one of the few people who had the guts to actually talk about Lynn with Logan. I don't know what was said one of the few times I was not there but I figure it was some sort of introduction to the dead parent's club and I didn't press for details.

I was there too in the agonizing days before the funeral. Logan was adamant he wouldn't attend school until the funeral happened or he stopped being hounded by the paparazzi and my father refused to let me miss out after the first day. We compromised, reluctantly on his part, with him allowing me to spend the nights at Logan provided I slept in the guest bedroom. I made a noble effort to make it to the guest room the first night but even I don't have the willpower to turn-down an opportunity to spend the night with my seriously hot boyfriend. Logan is a consummate gentleman. He even offered to sleep on the floor at one point but I told him it was ridiculous and if I was so worried about his proclivity to grope in his sleep I would have stayed in the guest bedroom. We never didn't sleep together, in fact the only kisses that were exchanged that entire week were chaste and reassuring. To be honest this was mostly due to the fact that Duncan was constantly buzzing around. Logan didn't say much about his mother or how he felt about her death. I heard him cry occasionally, when he thought I was lost in sleep and I would do nothing other then lean in closer to him and occasionally whisper soothing words in his ear. We didn't talk about it in the mornings afterwards and I didn't push deciding to for once be patient and not treat my boyfriend's grief like a case. Both of us have been let down and torn apart in our last relationships but I thought that if we did this differently, if we were really honest and patient and kind with each other than maybe we won't implode. I sit in contemplative silence waiting for Logan to return from getting his suit when I hear voices raising from across the hall.

"You poured that milkshake out in the backseat because we didn't buy you a monkey, then, when I went to grab you, you smacked your head against a window." Aaron's voice roars. I roll my eyes. My mouth tightens as I imagine Logan, young enough to still believe he could have a pet monkey, getting boxed around by his father. The same father who is now glossing over his abuse. I'm more than certain that his abuse is more than physical that there is some reason, bigger than teenage jealously, that causes Logan's habitual fear of not measuring up. My reverie is stopped short by Logan slamming in to the room in a rage of fury. Funeral day today, not the best day in the Echolls household. He throws himself back on the bed in exasperation.

"My sister sent a wreath." He mumbles in explanation. I get what he is not saying. His sister couldn't even be bothered to come. If not to honour Lynn then to at least be there for Logan and, dare I say, Aaron. Another family-oriented let-down in the Echolls house. I nod in understanding lying on his chest and soaking up the silence until I can hear his heart-rate slow under my ear.

"I'm going to go ahead in the limo with Duncan and Wallace ok?" Logan nodded knowing his father wanted to present a united front and with his father so unstable he didn't know how going against him would turn out. I leave to get ready and Logan shuts his eyes

Logan's POV

"Hey lover." Lilly?

"What you forgot about me already?"

"Of course not Lil." Truth be told, though I could never forget about Lilly, my dreams have strayed further away from voluptuous blondes getting their heads bashed in to a tiny detective.

"I can read your thoughts you know." Well that's awkward. "Only if you make it awkward. Now listen up I have limited time and important things to tell you." I can't help but note it is kind of impressive how she commands even from the after-life.

"Thing one: You and Veronica. Awsome!" She does a little jump and tosses her hair. "Took you long enough by the way. Anyways enough with this Daddy doesn't love me emo-shit Veronica wants you not my dorky brother."

"You were always one with the warm and fuzzies Lil." She rolls her eyes.

"Second: Logan your mother. I am so sorry. I loved her." Her eyes are brimming with sincerity and for once the 'I'm sorry' line doesn't seem like a platitude.

"Wait did she…is she with you?" Lilly just looks at me sadly than comes closer. I can smell her bubblegum smell and I miss her so much at that moment I want to grab her and keep her with me forever.

"I wish I could tell you." She sits on the bed and I'm surprised to find her eyes full of tears. "Third and most important: Logan I am so sorry about your father." She shakes her head sadly. I guess she really didn't know about the abuse.

"Common sleepyhead wake up." My eyes bolt open to see Veronica smiling down at me her face framed with golden curls. I pull her towards me and kiss her hard. "Is everything ok?" She says when she pulls away from the unsure kiss.

"I'm just glad you're here." Veronica smiles softly at that and takes my hand.

The funeral is a joke. My father makes a fake eulogy and cried fake tears over a fake coffin because they haven't even found the body. I'm surprised to find Mac and Dick in the crowd with Veronica, Duncan and Wallace. Mac gives me an unsure smile and I give her and appreciative head nod. Dick tells me to let him know if any paparazzi members need to be taken care of.

"They like you. They really like you." Veronica says with faux-enthusiasm. I smile at the retreating form of Mac and Wallace as they retreat through the crowds to sit at a pew. I had half-expected Dick and Duncan to pull through being old friends of the family and of mine. Wallace and Mac had come out of the woodwork on their own. The funeral was a painful blur. A lot like being put on aesthetic for surgery, you can't feel the pain yet but you know that when you can, it's really going to hurt when you can. Veronica's hand holds mine tight and I'm sure if I could stare at anything not pretending to be my mother's dead body I'd notice the concerned flicker of her eyes towards me. My father drones on about my mother's charitable deeds and I zone him out clutching Veronica's hand tighter as I revert to my own memories.

flashback

My Dad had always had a temper, he always yelled, was always scary but he never actually hit me. I am confused when he tells me to choose a belt from his closet. He is already mad at me and, trying not to get in any more trouble, I do what I am told. My mother looks up curiously from her glass of gin and tonic and flashes me a smile.

"What are you doing with Daddy's belts Logan? Don't anger him more by playing with his things."

"He told me too bring it for him." My mother looks confused but then shrugs assuming he had a hard day at work and had simply forgotten his belt. I knock on the door study reluctantly.

"Daddy?" He looks away from the window and nods for me to come in. "Here's you're belt I didn't know which one you wanted but Mom says never to wear black and brown so I picked brown to match." My father solemnly picks up the belt and catches my arm as I turn to leave.

"Turn around Logan."

"Why?" I ask confused.

"I'm going to teach you a lesson." I sigh and turn around awaiting another lecture.

"Lift up your shirt."

"Uh. Ok." I'm really confused now. Maybe this lesson is more of the philosophical nature. All the sudden the leather belts cracks on my flesh and I let out a yelp of surprise.

"Ow!" I can feel the tears prick in my eyes. "Stop! That hurts." I exclaim moving out of the way of the belt surprised at my father's anger. He roughly pushes me down and continues whipping as I sob in pain and anger. The moment he finishes I run to my room tears flowing freely down my face. My mother is inside my room putting laundry away in an uncharacteristic display of domesticity.

"Baby what's wrong." She says dropping the laundry and picking me up placing me on her knee. Being 8 and very mature, I often declared myself to old to sit on my mother's knee but between the pain on my back and the new anger at my father I can't help but throw my arms around her neck. She smells of flowery perfume as she holds my head close to her chest and whispers comforting words.

"What happened honey?" She pulls back enough to look me in the eyes. "Did Daddy's lecture upset you this much?" Tears pouring down my face I look my mother in the eye,

"H-He hit me." Her face goes stone cold and she swallows and angry lump in her throat.

"Show mommy where it hurts." She says gently holding back her anger for my benefit. I pull up my shirt and my mother gasps in horror at the deep red marks on my otherwise unmarred back. "Don't worry sweetheart he won't hurt you again." She says holding me close to her chest again. "I won't let anything happen to you."

end flashback

My eyes sting at the promise I had believed with such youthful vigour. I don't think I ever have felt safer than I did that night wrapped in my mother's arms as she sung me to sleep promising me it would never happen again. A cool hand squeezes mine and I look sideways at Veronica who notices my eyes have pooled at the memory. She hands me my sunglasses from her purse without a comment.

Veronica's POV

Logan is obviously off in his own world during the service. I only interrupt his trip down memory lane when he takes a wrong turn and twists into a dark alley of too painful memories. He'll have to deal with them in time but right now, with the camera flashes and the gossip hounds, is not the time.

The wake is worse than the funeral and it isn't long before Logan stomps off.

"Have you seen Logan?" I ask Wallace grimly who is munching on a crab puff

"No. But if my Dad's funeral had been like this I'd be hiding too." I nodded in agreement then walked upstairs where the guests were not supposed to go assuming he was holed up in his room. The entrance to his mother's private chambers is open and I reluctantly step through figuring if it's not Logan or Aaron the person should be kicked out anyways.

"Logan?" I questioned gently coming to sit beside my boyfriend on an expensive looking couch. The room had been his mother's favourite place, her sanctuary. For the entire week Logan had been peppering me with stories about Lynn. She had been funny and talented. A charismatic woman whose undeniable beauty was second only to her personality. Know for being uncommonly kind and generous Lynn has started many charities and was an active parent. In Logan's younger days she would often be seen at PTA meetings or driving him to school sending him off with a hug and kiss. Aaron became jealous of the image and reputation his wife had gained completely genuinely. Lynn has always been able to balance her children and work and although she had a nanny to help her she was always around as much as possible. Apparently this wasn't enough for Aaron who was scared of his wife becoming more famous than he was. He struck Logan for the first time when he was 8. Lynn meant what she said when she promised her little boy she would take him away deciding at that moment to divorce her husband who had made her increasingly unhappy. Lynn was fuming at Aaron. She yelled, screamed and threatened while Aaron just apologized profusely saying he was sorry and it would never happen again. That wasn't enough for Lynn and she swore to divorce him the next day refusing to be with a man who hit her child. The next day Aaron broke Logan's arm and Lynn's nose and promised her that if she tried to get out he would find her and Logan and kill her. Something in his tone convinced Lynn he wasn't kidding around and she never tried to leave him again. She tried numerous times to step in but Aaron would make the punishment worse for Logan and occasionally hit her as well. Lynn felt helpless and since there was nothing she could do she went into a tailspin. Her charity work ended and she no longer had interest in acting. She became passive and drank more devastated by the scars on her son's back and the betrayed expression he got whenever she looked at him.

It wasn't until Logan told me these stories that I understand the depths of responsibility he felt for his mother's suicide.

"Hey" he replied not looking up from the lighter in his hand. I rest my chin on his shoulder and brush a kiss on his cheek.

"What's that?"

"Did you know mom's dad fought in the Korean War?" I shake my head negatively. "He got this lighter in Seoul. He held onto it even when he was captured. He and his buddies escaped and he had it engraved." He passes the lighter to me and I finger the fading words "Free at Last". I get an awful feeling of foreboding but I intertwine our hands and give him a little squeeze encouraging him to go on. "They didn't find a body because she's not dead. She just escaped."

REVIEW!! please i love reading them they make my day and I am so not above begging

a/n: the "even when you yell, even when I yell" line (or something very close) is actually from a Grey's Anatomy speech from Derek to Meredith.