A/N: OK, so I got a correction to make. My chapter numbering got all screwed up, so last one should have been 27 and this is 28. So fyi, you didn't miss a chapter. I just went retarded and have two chapter 23s, which I found when I re-outlined the fic so I could remember the progression correctly. Anywho, Are you surprised? Another chapter and it's not 5 months yet :D The first two pages of this I wrote in my tax class Monday and the rest I wrote with my Beta's help tonight. I hope you all enjoy the chapter. It's a long one and I think I did myself good on this one. Thanks to those who read and reviewed the last chapter and welcome all new-comers to the CMT-BS world and the ones who've been there from beginning, middle, etc. Hope you all enjoy this one!
Chapter 28
"Jude, sit." Sadie commanded. I tore my eyes away from the front window to look at my sister. Her eyes were soft and sympathetic, but stern too. With a heavy sigh I moved over to the couch and sat next to her, pulling my legs beneath me, my head in my hands, staring at the window. Willing him to come home and walk past it and to the front door. "Hey, it'll be ok." Sadie told me, resting her hand over mine.
"Sadie, he's been gone for three hours, eleven minutes, and forty-eight seconds." Tears started to fill up in my eyes as I recounted the exact time. "I really messed up." My voice shook as I said the words aloud. The words I'd been thinking for the last three hours, willing harder for Tommy to walk through that door so I could at least see that he was ok and nothing bad happened to him…again.
"Hey, Kwest is out looking for him and I know Tommy will come home when he's ready." I shook my head negatively in response to Sadie's words. I wished that was true. Deep down, I might have known it, but the harm was done. I screwed up big time and I had no idea how to fix it. How to make it up to him. What to do about this. How could I apologize for implying he was a horrible husband and father? How do we come back from that?
"I want to believe it Sades." I said, tears threatening to fall down my cheeks again. "I really do but…"
"But what, Sweetie?" Sadie asked, shifting a bit to wrap an arm around me and pull me to her. Her hand automatically going up to stroke my hair in comfort.
"I don't know Sades. I can't help but think that something's wrong with me." A couple tears escaped the prison of my eyes and began to trail slowly down my cheeks. "I really messed up."
"Jude –"
"You didn't see him, Sadie." I continued, not letting my sister continue with her words. "He looked so…so defeated, Sades. I've never seen him, anyone, look that…that empty. Sadie." I took a shaky breath, trying to control my emotions, to forget that haunted look in his eyes when he left. "I just…I don't know if it can be fixed."
"Jude, honey, you and Tommy are both under a lot of stress right now," She said, softly, comfortingly and I shook my head. It wasn't just stress.
"Sadie,"
"No, Jude, you two need to talk." She told me sternly. "That's always been a problem with the two of you. You don't talk when the little things happen and then it builds up until…" She gestured, with her hands when the right word failed her to explain this situation.
"Disaster happens?" I offered. Sadie shrugged. I sighed in response, thinking about what she just told me a moment before I answered her. "I don't know what to do Sadie. How can I fix this?"
"You can't." Sadie told me and I jerked away from her, looking her straight in the eyes. "You can't fix this, Jude. He's hurt, you're hurt, it doesn't just go away, you know that." Sadie further explained and I groaned and leaned back into the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "But you apologize, Jude. You apologize to him for being an insensitive bitch and then you both talk about how you feel."
"I don't think it'll be that simple Sadie."
"Hey, since when has big sis steered you wrong?" She asked me and I looked up at her, my eyebrows raised. She grinned mischievously back at me. "OK, maybe a time or two, but seriously, Jude. Talk to him. Tell him why you've been acting like a crazy person and tell him how much you love him; how much you need him and you listen to him and what he feels."
"I just wish that it would work, Sadie. I really do, but…he doesn't want to talk to me. I ask him what's wrong and he all but lies to me. I know there's something wrong that he's not telling me. I just don't know what it is."
"Maybe he's not honest with you because you're not with him."
I sighed in response and closed my eyes a moment, trying to figure this out; to pin point where it went wrong for us…again. We were so happy the night of our date and the days before it. I was happy when I found him again. More ecstatic when he decided to figure out who he was. I was on air when he kissed me for the first time since the accident. I was in heaven during our date. And then…I shook my head, my eyes burning my closed eyes. Maybe it's too late for us this time. I thought and hated myself the instant the through finished. I could feel Sadie stroking my hair and hear her whispered "It's gonna be ok". I just wished I could believe her words.
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I had long since lost track of time. For awhile, I just walked, pouring out my anger and hurt on the sidewalk through my feet. Once the anger faded, my mind began to wander to analyze what was going on, and I found that I was clueless. I knew I was hurt by Jude's words. I thought we…I was doing ok. That things weren't bad. But I was wrong, if this afternoon was any inclination of that. One thing I did conclude during the walk was that life as Jason Michaels was a lot less complicated than Thomas Quincy's. I sighed heavily and shoved my hands deep in the pockets of my jeans, continuing to walk, trying to sort out what was going on with me and Jude. And more importantly, myself.
"Jason!" I froze in place and I swear my heart stopped. "Jason!" I heard someone rushing up behind me and I turned, only to see my suspicion confirmed. It was Jessica. The woman who, apparently, ruined my life. I watched wearily as she came up in front of me, she was panting slightly from her excursion to catch up with me, but she was grinning at me, her smile wide and radiant and her eyes sparkling. She was pretty, but she wasn't Jude.
"Jessica," I said tersely, trying to stay pleasant and scrambling my brain to try and come up with a reason to leave. A place to get away from her.
"Hi," She said, beaming at me, and I gave her a small smile.
"Hey."
"I…how've you been Jas?"
"Jessica, it's Tommy." I told her, annoyed. She rolled her eyes in response. "Look, Jessica, I"
"I've missed you." She said, reaching out and touching my hand, trying to take it in hers. I tensed and pulled my hand away as if it was burned. She looked hurt and I found I didn't care. "Jason, I"
"Tommy!" I turned my head to see Kwest rushing over to me. I almost collapsed in relief. There was my out. I turned back around and saw that Jessica was gone. I frowned and glanced around the street but I didn't see her. Did I really see her? I wondered. I heard Kwest come up behind me and I sighed before turning to look at my friend. "Hey, Man." He greeted and I found myself smiling in response.
"Hey," I said, glancing over my shoulder one last time to see if I saw her or not.
"How's it going?" Kwest asked me and I sighed and turned to face him. I shrugged in response, my brain still scrambling to figure out if Jessica was really there. "Sadie's over with Jude." He told me, looking somber and I sighed again.
"That's good, I guess." I said, shoving my hands back in my pockets.
"You want to talk about it?" He asked me and I shrugged in response. Kwest clamped a hand on my shoulder and steered me down the sidewalk again. We walked in silence for a long time; me looking at the sidewalk just before my feet and I could feel Kwest's eyes studying me as we walked.
"Jude and I had a fight." I stated.
"I gathered that. You ok?" He asked me and I sighed.
"I don't know." I said honestly, looking up from the sidewalk and straight ahead. "I've been trying to figure it out; to figure out exactly what happened, but I can't. I just don't see what went wrong."
"Maybe nothing did." Kwest offered and I looked over at him in confusion.
"People don't fight for no reason, Kwest." I stated and he laughed at me and I continued to stare at him. What the hell was so funny?
"Tom, sometimes, people don't need a reason." He stated cryptically. I waited for him to continue but he just raised his eyebrows at me, a sign that he wasn't going to offer anything more.
"You realize that that makes no sense."
"Yep." He said with a slight smirk on his face and I continue to stare at him, trying to figure out his words. "Look, Tom…" He paused a moment and I waited for him to continue. "It took…a long time for you and Jude to get where you are." He stated.
"I know that, Kwest."
"Not really," he said, his eyes sympathetic. "Tommy and Jude 101 includes a hell of a lot of fighting. You two used to rip out each other's throats for so much as a dirty look in the beginning. You two…you love each other as much as you hate each other. Or at least…used to."
"Are you saying this is normal?"
"Sort of."
"Kwest?"
"Yeah?"
"You're insane." I stated and he laughed, punching me lightly in the shoulder.
"Hate to break it to ya, but so are you." I grinned back and Kwest shook his head. "You ok?" He asked and I sighed.
"I guess…"
"Try to sound more enthusiastic next time." Kwest stated with a wink and I rolled my eyes in response. "You ready to go back?" Kwest asked me and I sighed.
"As ready as I'll ever be." I answered and Kwest gave me a reassuring smile.
"Hey, it'll work out." He told me and I nodded half heartedly. Kwest tilted his head to indicate to follow him over to his car. I did so and we walked in silence, my heart beginning to pound harder in fear of what was to come.
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Kwest pulled up to the house and cut the engine. I sat still in the passenger seat, staring at the house for a long moment. Kwest was staring at me, waiting for me to make the first move. I closed my eyes and blew out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding. I reached for the handle and opened the car door. Kwest got out on the other side as I was pulling myself out of the car. I didn't want to come back and face this. I didn't want her to confirm her earlier insinuations that I was a bad father to our daughter. I wanted to run away and pretend this never happened. But I knew I couldn't do that, no matter how much I wanted to. I followed Kwest up to the house, my feet feeling like lead weights. Kwest was waiting for me on the porch in the time it took me to make it half way down the side walk leading to the porch.
I took a deep breath and forced myself to finish the distance to the house, berating myself for feeling so stupid about this whole thing. I was about to open the door when the door opened and Bri stood in the doorway. I stared at my daughter for a moment and opened my mouth to scold her for opening the door when she threw herself at my legs and wrapped her arms tightly around them, burying her face in my thigh. I couldn't help but smile and pull her away so I could pick her up in my arms. Bri wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me again, almost to the point of choking. I couldn't help but smile by the welcome I got from my little girl. I saw Kwest walk into the house out of the corner of my eye and I walked in behind him and closed the door softly behind me. Briana loosened her grip to stare back at me.
"Daddy, I love you." She told me and I swear my heart melted.
"I love you too, Briana." I told her, kissing the top of her head. I looked back at my little girl and saw her eyes still looked troubled. I frowned.
"Bri?" I asked her.
"Daddy…do you…do you still love Mommy?" She asked, her voice quiet and unsure, as if she were afraid of the answer. I stared at her for a long time, unable to fathom where her question came from. The question itself broke my heart. I couldn't see where she got the idea that I didn't love Jude from.
"I'll always love Mommy." I answered automatically. The words seemed so natural to me and came out without a second thought. And in that moment, I realized that they were the truth. I did love her. I was lost without her.
Briana beamed at me and threw her arms around me again. I hugged her close and heard someone in the room. I glanced up with my eyes and saw Sadie, Kwest, and Jude watching us. I panicked slightly, wondering how much they heard and then realized, it didn't matter. I did love Jude. I always did, from what I was told, and I think a part of me knew that. Remembered it, even when nothing else could be remembered.
"I, um…we should go." Sadie said, looking like she was trying not to cry. Jude nodded and she and Kwest said bye. Sadie and Kwest both gave Bri a kiss on the cheek and they were gone, leaving me and Jude staring at each other and Briana gripping my neck in a hug turned to a choke hold.
"Hey," I said, breaking the silence and Jude continued to stare back at me and as I watched her, I noticed a couple tears falling down her face.
"Hey," She said, smiling sadly at me. I turned my head to Bri and whispered in her ear. She leaned back and grinned happily and squirmed out of my arms. I almost dropped her as I set her back down and she ran upstairs happily. Jude looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
"I told her if she would be good, she could watch a movie upstairs." Jude nodded and silence stretched between us. I sighed.
"Jude"
"Did you mean it?" She asked me, her voice breaking slightly. I frowned a moment, trying to figure out what she was referring to. "Did you mean it?" She asked again, coming closer to me and I realized what she meant.
"Of course, Jude." I told her, walking over to her and looking into her eyes. "I love you. I think I always knew that." She smiled at me for a moment and nodded. Silence stretched between us and I wasn't sure what to say.
"I'm sorry." We both ended up blurting out.
Jude and I stared at each other for a long moment before we both laughed. She turned serious and I stopped laughing and tried to squish my mirth, but I was happy. I loved Jude. My Wife.
"Tommy, I…you'll never know how sorry I am about earlier." She told me, taking my hand in hers and squeezing it reassuringly.
"I know you are, Jude." I said giving her a small smile. "I'm sorry I walked out." She shook her head.
"You shouldn't be." She stated, stubbornly. "I … I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have. And…I didn't mean it"
"Jude?" I interrupted
"Yeah?" She asked, tears still filling her eyes.
"You never said it." I told her and she stared at me in confusion. "Do you love me?" I asked her.
"Always." She answered and I smiled. I closed the space between us by pulling her closer to me. She wrapped her arms around me and I steadied her by wrapping an arm around her small waist. Before I had a conscious thought of it, I bent my head down and captured her lips in mine. Jude responded and I thought I died and went to heaven. Kwest's earlier words suddenly made sense to me and I knew now that we'd be ok. That we'd make it. Together.