Chapter 3: The Script Survives?

"This is Weathertop. We will rest here for the night. Here, take these swords."

Strider gave the Hobbits swords that just happened to be Hobbit-sized swords. Later that night, Sam, Merry, and Pippin got the munchies (they had been smoking a lot of Longbottom leaf lately…) so they made a fire to cook the food. They had also pilfered some of Gandalf's fireworks from the party, so they set some off, which could be seen for miles around.

"You want some more bacon, Sam?" said Merry.

"No, I'd rather eat spam," said Sam, pulling out a can of spam.

"Yes, but I like ham," said Merry, and unwrapped a leg of ham.

"Well, it's better than moldy jam."

"What the are you talking about? " said Pippin

"We have no idea," said Sam, "We started rhyming for no particular reason."

"Alright, let me try then. I like to eat oranges."

Silence.

"Leave it to Pippin to choose the only un-rhymeable word…"sighed Merry.

Frodo, the only one who had been sleeping, woke up and came over to them.

"What are you doing?!" cried Frodo

"Sausages, tomatoes, and nice crispy bacon!" said Merry.

"Do you want some?" inquired Sam.

"Put it out you fools, put it out!" Frodo stamped on the fire with his foot, but immediately after that hopped on one foot, clutching the burnt one "Owwww! My foot!"

Just then, they heard Ringwraith screeches. The Hobbits drew their swords as the Wraiths entered in a semicircle. Each Wraith had a number, ranging from 1 to 9, on the front of his costume.

Merry, Pippin, and Sam lamely tried to fight off the Wraiths, but they were pushed aside as the Wraiths went for Frodo.

"Will you give me the ring, please?" said Wraith 1 politely.

Frodo crossed his arms and said with attitude,Why should I? I mean, you guys are, like, so not scary! I mean, you can't even suck out people's souls, and all you are is just freaky undead humans who have been twisted by Sauron's evil. You're not even something like a weird other evil bird-like species…"

"Enough of your petty but true insults! Will you give us the Ring or not?" said Wraith 1.

"Do what he says, or we'll have to take it from you." said Wraith 2.

"No."

"He leaves us no choice," said Wraith 3.

Wraiths 4 and 5 tickled Frodo with a feather. Wraith 1 went for the Ring.

Just then Strider came in (it's about freakin' time!) and attacked them with a torch.

"You like it hot?!" he roared, swinging the torches in every direction.

"Did you know you can write your name with that in the air if you wave it around fast enough?" said a Wraith, hoping to distract the Ranger.

"Really?" Strider waved the torches around even more wildly. One of the torches flew out of his hand and into the face of a Wraith. Realizing that he had to save Frodo, Strider stopped trying to write his name in the air and turned to the rest of the Wraiths.

Wraiths 1-5 ran away and he set 6 and 8 on fire.

"Ahh! Run away! Run away!" shrieked 1,2,3,4, and 5.

"Ah! I'm melting, I'm melting!" screamed Wraith 7, who was on fire.

"You can't melt, we're practically immortal!" said Wraith 6, "Besides, I'm supposed to be on fire! See! It says here in the script-" he pulled out a script, "- 'he set 6 and 8 on fire'"

"Um…er…" Wraith 7 ran off screen.

Wraith 8, who was also in fire, had been listening to the conversation between the two. "Be thankful you actually know your lines…" he said to Wraith 6.

"Hey, I thought there weren't any scripts left!" said Wraith 9.

"I… um…uh… got it off eBay?!" said 6.

"Get him!" shouted 8

Wraiths 8 and 9 chased after 6.

Sam ran over to Frodo "Strider! Something ain't right with Mr. Frodo!" Frodo has been laughing uncontrollably since Strider had entered the scene.

Strider picked up the feather "He's been tickled and stabbed by a feather."

"A feather? A bloody feather? How the hell is that supposed to be deadly?"

"Well, it seems that Frodo is allergic to them."

"Oh."

"This is beyond my skill to heal; we must get him to Riven-Deli. The best place west of the Moldy Mountains to get cold cuts."

"Didja hear that? We're finally going to eat some decent food. Yippee!" exclaimed Sam, dancing around in delight.

"What about the elves?" said Pippin.

"Oh yeah…We're going to see the "oh-woe-is-me-I-can't-stand-immortality, Ha-ha-I-have-pointy-ears-and-you-don't" elves. Yippee." said Sam dully and waved his arms unenthusiastically.

Everyone exited, and Galadriel voiced over again.

"Frodo was able to get to Riven-Deli just in time, thanks to the uselessness- er, help - of Arwen. Elrond healed his wound. Next time on Eragon - I mean, Lord of the Rings: Gandalf goes into a long and boring flashback of where he was, and where we break a record for random references in a single chapter…somehow."

To be continued…