A/N: this chapter has 2 titles (I couldn't decide on one!)
NotSoSeriousWarning: The following chapter is rated 'R' for 'Random.'

Chapter 4: Elrond's council of Randomness A.K.A. 'Of Moths, Memory Loss, and Metaphors'

"Wow, RiverDeli sure is cool," said Frodo as he munched on a slice of proscuitto, "But enough about this place, what took you so long, Gandalf?"

"I was… er… delayed."

"Join me, Gandalf, or die," said Saruman.

"Let me get back to you on that," said Gandalf.

After spending countless weeks at the top of Isengard, Gandalf still hadn't decided. He was also very hungry. So when he caught a moth, he was happy to have some food, even though it was a poisonous moth that would result in a slow and painful death if consumed.

"Finally, something to eat."

"Spare me! Spare me! I am a magical moth! Spare me and you will be rewarded!" said the moth in a high squeaky voice.

"Alright, but you'd better find me a way to get off this tower, or get me some food. Either or is good."

A few days later…

"So, have you decided yet?"

"Nope!"

"I have come back!" said the moth in its annoyingly high squeaky voice.

"Yes! Food!"

Gandalf jumped off tower, onto an eagle's back.

"Close call there, Gandalf," said the eagle

"And who are you?"

"What? Don't you remember? I was in The Hobbit."

"No one ever read The Hobbit or saw the little-known animated feature. And neither did I. Now lead me to food!"

"Uh…Gandalf?"

"So does that answer your question, Frodo?"

"That was fifteen minutes ago! You've been spacing out drooling and mumbling something about food."

"…"

Arwen handed Aragorn a necklace. "I want you to have this. It's called the…the…"

"Evenstar?" said Aragorn.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"You just said you were going to give it to me."

"Oh, yes. I want to give it to because… because…"

"You love me so much that you will forsake the immortal life of your people."

"Yes, yes. Good luck on your… your…"

"Quest to try and destroy the Ring of power."

"Yes. And make sure you don't get yourself killed!" Arwen walked away."Now, where am I going?"

"Why the hell is my girlfriend an elf with short-term memory loss?"

The scene came to a group of 4 elves including Elrond sitting in chairs in a circle, with a circular stone table in the middle. There were 6 empty chairs.

"Now, all in favor of lifting the drinking ban for elves under 2000 years say 'Yo'" said Elrond.

"YO!" yelled all the elves.

"All who oppose?"

"Nay," said a random old guy who was not an elf standing in the corner.

Two men in black came out, wearing sunglasses.

"Sir, if you would just look here…" said the first one as he pulled out a memory-eraser laser. The elves put on sunglasses. There was a flash of red light.

The Old Guy Who Was Not an Elf turned around.

"AHHH! Pointy-eared people!" he shrieked as he pointed at the elves.

He turned back to face the MIB. They flashed the light again and dragged him away.

"Now that that is out of the way, we can move onto more pressing matters," said Elrond, removing his sunglasses.

"What, that wasn't a pressing matter?!" exclaimed one of the elves, and left.

"Well that worked out nicely. Now we have an extra seat. But as I was saying, the shadow of Mordor is growing and the Ring of Power has been found. I have called a council with the other peoples of the land."

Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Frodo, and Gandalf entered, sat down and four of them introduced themselves.

"Hi, I'm Boromir. I'm your average egotistical tough guy."

"I'm Legolas. I'm an elf and have girly-looking hair."

"I am Gimli. I like to eat."

"I am Aragorn. And if any of you call me 'Eragon' I will lop off your head."

"Aragorn? This is Isildur's heir?" said Boromir incredulously.

Frodo looked at Aragorn, clueless.

"Shut up Boromir, you can discuss politics later!" said Legolas.

Elrond was now wearing a judge's wig and banged a gavel, shouting, "Order! Order I say! Now, let's get down to business. Frodo, the ring."

"No, it's mine!" Frodo clutched the ring.

"Frodo…"

"Noooo…"

"Frodo!"

"Nooo…"

"Give –"

"Noooo…"

"It –"

"Noooo…"

"–Now!"

"Nooooo…"

"Frodo, due to the fact that you're 583 miles, 635 feet, and 2 1/19 inches from Mordor, multiplied by the time you've had the Ring- 4 weeks, 3 days, 14 hours, 17 minutes, and 49 seconds- minus the time you've wore it- 1 minute and 27 seconds- divided by the 89 percent elfishness you are surrounded by, means you will not become overly possessive of the Ring until the next two movies in which you shall gradually –"

"Get on with it!" cried an elf.

"But –"

"GET ON WITH IT!" cried half the council.

"I'm not –"

"GET ON WITH IT!" yelled the entire cast. Elrond covered his ears.

"Fine…"

Frodo put the ring on the table

"One of you must journey to Mordor," said Elrond seriously, "You must climb Mount Doom and throw the ring into the flames."

"Why can't we use it for good?" interrupted Boromir.

"Why don't we just toss it into the deepest part of the ocean? If they tried to get it, the pressure would kill them," said Gimli.

"Haven't you been listening to the plot of the story?"

"Nope. It's improv, and half the plot is cut out anyway."

"That's not my point. First: if you used it for good then you'd become corrupt. Second: if you tossed it in the ocean, they wouldn't find it for centuries, but, if the ocean was to drain somehow or they got highly advanced technology, they could find it. Third: if we did that we wouldn't be able to make the 3 movies and get all the money."

"So, who will do this?" said Gandalf.

Cricket. Cricket. Cricket.

"I wanna take it! I wanna take the Ring to Mordor!" said Frodo in a whiny voice.

"You will need my help," said Gandalf "You have my powers."

"Really?"

"No, it's just a metaphor."

"Metawhaty?"

"If by my life or death I can protect you, you have my lightsaber. And it will probably be my death, because I don't really want to protect you. You're useless and whiny. And I don't even know how to use this." Aragorn pressed a button on the lightsaber and it lopped off a nearby elf's head. "Whoopsie…"

"And you have my elastic killing devices." (Aka: rubber bands)

One of the dwarves stood up.

"And-"

But he was cut off by Gimli, who stood up quickly and said "And my axe."

Boromir stood up and said seriously, "You carry the fates of us all little one –" then, not so seriously "–so you'd better not screw this up!"

Sam appeared from behind them. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me… we need someone to … eat all the leftovers!"

"Well, we need two more, so anyone else who wants to come can. And there will probably be a lot of leftovers, blood, gore, and battles," said Elrond.

Merry and Pippin joined the group.

"We're coming too!" said Merry. "Though I dunno about the blood and gore, it sure beats a boring but safe hobbit life!"

"And anyway, you need obnoxious people on this quest… mission… thing," said Pippin

"For once in your life that includes you!" said Merry.

"Nine companions. I dub you the Fellowship of the Ring. May the force be with you."

The screen faded black as Galadriel voiced-over.

"So, the important 2 hobbits, the 2 unimportant Hobbits, the king who shunned popularity, the hillbilly elf, the rich dwarf, the ancient magician, and the-guy-who-had-a-big-ego-but-wasn't-important-because-he-was-going-to-die-at-the-end-anyway set off on a life-changing, psychologically altering, gory quest to destroy the Ring of Power."

Next Chapter: The Fellowship sets out on their quest, trekking through the Moldy Mountains and coming across weird bird things and a weird a octopus thing.