A/N: Inspiration always comes at the weirdest times. I'm sure many of you – who are also authors – have experienced the weird moment of sudden "ah-ha!"! I once got inspired while I was reading the ingredients to a recipe, trying to decide if I had all the ingredients because I really didn't feel like running down to the store. Today's bought of inspiration was probably one of the strangest…or at least the order of things. I got home from work and all week…well for the last two days, I've been avoiding my "ffn" email. I didn't want to see the reviews and what people were saying about the sudden hiatus and thus was already cranky because I knew some of my favorite stories were probably updated and I couldn't read them because I know seeing your reviews would make me pull out the outline and end up throwing my laptop into the wall in frustration (and we all can guess how that would NOT help the lack-of-muse problem). So I get home from work, go to my sister's alteration appointment for her wedding gown, come home and start cleaning my room – trying to release some of my frustration. I turn on my stereo, not sure what cd's in the player and start going through shit I probably should have thrown out a long time ago but the pack rat inside me says "you'll need it; you'll regret doing that" or the object holds "sentimental value" and have long since forgotten why. So while I'm forcing myself to throw this shit out, my cd player starts playing my Cold cd – the one I listen to when I'm working and/or plotting on this stupid story. So I start feeling frustrated when it comes on, but I let it go. I mean, who can't love Remedy, Cure My Tragedy, Stupid Girl….practically the whole Year of the Spider CD? So I let it go and I'm tossing out these notebooks I've had since Junior High when I stumble upon one that's written on the cover with black magic marker "BSPS" (my acronym for Black Sunday Plot Summary; where all my original ideas were wrote out – scenes, ideas, the original outline, notes from CMT, ect. Everything I needed to start working on BS). Curiosity hits me. I mean, how close did I get to the original idea? I know I had thrown out some ideas along the way and I wanted to know how far off the mark I got. Surprisingly, I did pretty good but that's beside the point. I get to the idea for chapter 31 (originally like chapter 12 or something) and I start glaring at the damn thing because, alas, that is the bane of my existence since…however long it's been since I've updated. Try as I might, I can't write the damn scene the way it is in my head. Add to the fact I wasn't inspired and then by the time I got into the IS groove, it was over and the writers killed one of my favorite ships ever, I wasn't in the best mindset to write IS stuff. I start thinking about the plot, reviewing some of the older stuff, trying to figure out how to make it work but I can't seem to get it right. Even in my head I know it won't go on paper the way I envision it – no matter how much I down played it or changed it around a little bit. Frustrated, I end up throwing the notebook across the room where – I am not making this up – the notebook hits the stereo just right that it changes the song from Change the World to Black Sunday. I end up glaring at the damn notebook for a good few minutes, cursing it out for being a demon and "taunting me" (seriously, it was getting colorful for awhile) when I get up and march over to the stereo and go to switch cd's when…it hits me. How I can do what I want without doing it…if that makes sense. How to "fix" the anti-climatic turn this story has suddenly gotten with too many filler chapters in a row because I thought it "needed it" to make the drama "that more dramatic" when all it really did was frustrate the hell out of me and wander too far off the mark. As much as I'd love to go back and delete a few chapters and/or start over, what's done is done and – based off the reviews – you guys seem to like it so I guess I'll leave it be because, let's be honest here, I probably will end up losing interest if I start rewriting from like chapter 10 or something on. I literally put the Cold CD on repeat, ran downstairs, grabbed my laptop and now am sitting here, listening to my "inspiration cd" and writing to chapter…31? And actually getting something accomplished. I seriously hope you guys enjoy this, because I'm feeling better about this story by the moment. So I will promise, I'm going to iron out this fic; I'm going to finish it even if it kills me. This one is most likely going to be my "farewell fic" to Instant Star. I want to go out with a bang…so to speak. So…I guess this was my very longwinded way of saying…I'm back! … Or maybe my muse is back…take it as you will and let's hope I actually am able to finish this sucker because…I got plans, big plans. Plans I think you're all going to love to hate. :D BTW: do I win an award for longest A/N ever??
Previously: Since it's been awhile. I thought I'd sum up the last chapter – for those of you who haven't read it recently. Last chapter picked up with a "nice quiet evening" at the Quincy household. Peace was broken when Jessica, who had been phone-stalking Tommy, stopped by unannounced. Jessica pleased with "Jason" (AKA: Tommy) to return with her. To not listen to Jude's "lies". Tommy ended up kicking her out and he and Jude discussed how she's being a problem and Jude wants her away from her family. Tommy agrees. We left off with our "happy" couple singing Briana to sleep.
Chapter 31
"So, the psychotic bitch shows up. At your house?!" Kat exclaimed, her eyes wide as she practically screeched. I bit into my lip and nodded, trying hard not to get worked up along with Kat. "What did she say? What did Tommy say? What did you"
"Kat, calm down. She was rambling on and on about how I was 'filling his head with lies'." I rolled my eyes as I quoted Jessica, feeling my stomach churn a bit as I remembered the sincere look in her eyes. She really believed it. I shuddered. "Anyway, Tommy told her to leave and I guess she finally did." Kat nodded, looking pleased, but confused at the same time.
"That was it? She just…left?"
"Tommy called the police after to report her as a stalker or whatever. He's supposed to be down there talking to them and filling out paperwork or whatever." I said with a sigh, feeling a headache start to come to me. This whole thing was a mess. I just wanted my life back. It was beginning to think it was too much to ask. Maybe it was, I thought. Maybe we just weren't meant to be.
"Well, good, at least that bitch will get something coming to her." Kat muttered and I nodded in half-hearted agreement. Somehow, a restraining order didn't seem like enough to me. It wasn't going to give my husband his memory back, it wasn't going to fix my family. "You ok?" Kat asked me, her eyes growing concerned.
"I just…I swear Kat, I've never hated anyone more than I hate that woman. I just…" I took a deep breath. "I just feel like…"
"Like she should suffer like you did?"
"No, not even that," I paused, trying to find the right words to explain how I was feeling. "I…I just can't explain it right. I wouldn't wish what happened to me and Tommy on anyone. I just….it feels like she did all this and…" I shook my head. "I don't know, I can't explain it right."
"I think I get where you're coming sweetie. She stole your husband from you; made you believe he was dead. Anyone would feel mixed feelings." I just closed my eyes in response. Kat took my response for something else because she immediately began to apologize." Jude, I didn't"
"No, Kat, it's just…" I sighed. "Part of me wants to kill her, strangle her….no, more like rip her apart, atom by atom and throw her into…into…whatever it was that destroys molecules and…" I took a deep breath. "But as much as I want to, it's not going to change the fact that Tommy doesn't remember; that I thought he was dead for three years. I mean, Tommy says he's getting flashes, snippets really, but nothing solid. It's just so…so damn frustrating!"
Kat gave me a look of sympathy and I closed my eyes again. She wrapped an arm around me and I tried hard not to cry. I didn't want to cry again. I was all cried out for this life.
"I'm so sorry sweeties," Kat said, her voice soft. "I know this is rough for you and I know no one could ever possibly imagine what you've gone through, but do you want to ruin your second chance by dwelling on Jessica?" Kat asked me, carefully, like she was afraid I was going to scream at her.
"You're right," I admitted, opening my eyes. "I know you're right, but it's…it's just hard."
"Maybe you're making it harder than it needs to be." Kat suggested with a shrug. "You love him, he loves you, you have a beautiful home, a great job, the cutest daughter ever…" I couldn't help but smile at the mention of Bri. I loved my little girl with everything I had.
"Sometimes Kat, I'm not so sure." I whispered and Kat looked at me in confusion. "Does he love me?"
"Jude," Kat said, her tone sounding like we were talking about how obvious it was the sky was blue, "of course he does."
"Sometimes, I'm just not sure." I told her. "One time it feels like nothing's happened. And the next moment…it's like we're total strangers."
"Jude, he gave up another life for you. For Bri." Kat pointed out. "He still looks at you like you're the only woman in the world." Kat's voice was firm but tinged a little with envy. I know she was right. Deep down, I knew we were the only ones for each other. "Jude, have you told him how you feel?" Kat asked.
"Of course, Kat, he knows that I"
"Jude, have you told him you love him, not…not…past Tommy?" Kat asked and I gave her a questioning look. "Have you ever looked him in the eyes and said 'I love you you big hunk of burning love, even if you don't remember all our hot passionate sex'?" Kat asked and I raised an eye brow at her. I would never tell Tommy that. I could tell by her tone of voice she was joking, slightly, but I got her message.
"I…I think I see where you're getting."
"Maybe he thinks you're in love with who he used to be." Kat stated more clearly and realization hit me hard. Kat was right. Maybe I was the problem in this relationship. I licked my lips in thought and looked over at Kat.
"I gatta go." I told her and Kat smiled as I leapt off the couch and grabbed my purse, rushing around the house to find my shoes and ran towards the door.
"CALL ME!" Kat called as I opened the door and slammed it shut. I was determined to get home and let Tommy know how much I loved him. We were going to settle this, tonight. We were going to hash everything out and I was going to let him know that memory or not, he was my life; my air; my world. I was a million times happier than I had been in years and I wasn't about to give it up because I was being stupid.
I never made the trip cross town so fast in my life. I drove quickly, but safely, back home. I wanted to get a start on fixing what was left of my marriage. I was going to get my husband back; it didn't matter if he remembered the past; only that he still wanted me. I parked the car in the garage, jumped out and rushed into the house, noting how the door was unlocked. Tommy must have beaten me home.
"Tommy?" I called, walking through the house trying to figure out where he was. The house was oddly quiet and I frowned. Maybe I had just forgotten to lock the door when I had left…I sighed and wandered into the kitchen. Better figure out dinner, I figured when I rounded the corner and froze in my tracks, eyes wide. It seemed like the world had stopped and I was frozen in place. I knew I needed to get to a phone, to call for help but I couldn't get myself to move. My eyes were locked on my husband, lying on the floor, his body convulsing in what looked to be a seizure. I blinked, slowly and suddenly, the world moved again. I ran over to him, holding his head in my hands like I had seen on TV. I tried keeping his head still as I grabbed my cell and dialed frantically, my hands shaking so hard I almost dropped the phone six times.
"911 emergency-"
"I…I need help…"
"Calm down ma'am." The woman spoke softly, and I knew she was trying to help but I was about to go hysterical. Tommy was having a seizure and this woman was telling me to calm down!
"My husband…Tommy….I think…I think he's having a s-s-eizure." I managed to spit out, my voice cracking. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I…this couldn't be happening.
"I'm sending an ambulance, ma'am. Can you tell me how long?" She asked kindly, softly, her voice calm and polite and I felt like my world was ending.
"I…I don't know. I just got home and found him…"
"It's ok Ma'am." She assured me. I wanted to say no, it wasn't going to be ok but I couldn't get my voice to work. My throat had closed up and I couldn't form a sound, let alone a sentence.
It felt like an eternity but only minutes had passed by the time I could hear the sirens. Time seemed to go faster as the lady from 911 hung up with me. The paramedics checked Tommy's vitals, the seizure seemed to have stopped, and loaded him onto a stretcher. I remember being asked if I wanted to come. I don't remember how I did it, but I managed to walk out of the house and into the back of the ambulance. I was numb. I could feel my body shaking. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I remember closing my eyes and praying to God for the countless time that everything would be ok. I don't remember much of the ride. I remember the paramedics asking me questions and I could I couldn't answer them. I couldn't think. I knew they were things I knew but…I couldn't remember. I panicked. They stopped asking questions. Before we knew it, we were at the hospital and I was told to sit in the waiting room. A nurse handed me a clip board and I stared at the information, my mind blank. As I stared at the empty lines, the paper started to get wet. I couldn't figure out for the longest time where the water was coming from. It wasn't until the soft sob escaped my throat that I realized I was crying. I dropped the clipboard and buried my face in my hands and cried.
I can't lose him, I thought. I can't.
I moved my hands off my face and leaned my head back, keeping my eyes closed, trying to catch my breath when the world started to tip slightly. I opened my eyes and the edges of my vision got blurry. I blinked a couple times, trying to get my eyes to focus. The blurriness closed in, making my vision narrower before blackness filled my eyes and I felt nothing.