Chapter 5: Sierra Mist and Popsicles

The Fellowship set off from RiverDeli with lots of deli meat. They traveled for a very long time, as indicated by many dramatic aerial views from the movie camera.

As they passed by some rocks, music played, each member coming on screen slowly and dramatically.

"Cool! We have are own theme music!" exclaimed Pippin, who was not yet on-screen.

Sam and Merry hit him over the head (off-screen) and hissed, "Shut up, you're ruining the moment!"

As the last few members filed past the camera, everyone noticed a bottle of Sierra Mist sitting on a nearby rock. They all dashed forward to get to it, pushing, shoving, punching, and stabbing. Aragorn got to it first, and drank it immediately.

He smiled at the camera, his teeth sparkling. "It's that refreshi-"

Legolas shot an arrow at him that barely missed. The rest of the Fellowship chased after Aragorn.

In order to recover from their trying-to-get-Sierra-Mist-inflicted wounds, they stopped to rest. Incidentally, after chasing Aragorn for several hours - then beating him to a pulp when they realized there was no Sierra Mist left - they realized they were lost.

"I think I see something," said Legolas.

"It's only a wisp of cloud," said Gimili.

"You're right, my mistake – NOT! Your height must be affecting your vision, because it's clearly not a cloud. That's right. Your height."

"At least I'm not a prissy elf who spends half his time shooting down flies with rubber bands."

"They're not rubber bands! For your information, they're elastic killing devices!"

"Yeah, well…your name sounds funny! Leg-less!"

"Stop!"

"Lego-lamb!"

"Why do I have the easiest-to-mock name?!"

"That 'cloud' is Saruman's spies!" said Gandalf. "Hide! No…wait…never mind. It's obvious, like in all movies where people try to hide from the villain's spies, that they already know we're here." The birds flew by them. Gandalf waved. "Hi there, Saruman! How's your evil plot to join up with Sauron and take over Middle Earth going?"

They started to walk. The ring fell off Frodo's neck; Boromir picked it up.

"Oooo! Shiny!It's so pretty! Pretty, pretty, Shiny, shiny!"

"Boromir, give Frodo the ring," demanded Aragorn.

"No!"

"Give it now."

"Noooo-"

"We're not doing this again!"

Boromir reluctantly gave the ring back.

"So, you're going to take them over the pass of Cahadras? And what if the mountain defeats you?" said a Saruman voice-over.

Gandalf was fighting a boxing glove-wearing mountain. The Mountain pushed Gandalf down and went off-screen. Then a blizzard started.

"Shouldn't we be freezing?" wondered Merry.

"True. We don't even have any coats or gloves, just some capes and leather boots, and in Sam's case, a layer of fat," said Aragorn. Sam scowled.

"My gorgeous long elfin hair has magical properties that keep me from freezing!" said Legolas.

"Or maybe all the chemicals you put in your hair numbs your sense of feeling."

"That could be it." Legolas toppled over, now an elf Popsicle.

"Gandalf! We must get off the mountain and take the Gap of RawHam to my city!" said Boromir.

"No. That would take us too close to Isengard. And I'm not going back there again." He said nothing else for a minute.

"Gandalf?"

Gandalf didn't move. He had gone into flashback mode.

"Gandalf!"

"Huh? What? Food? Moths? POTATOES!" he randomly exclaimed, now knocked out of his stupor.

"Gandalf, We could go through the Mines of Morphine! My obscenely rich cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome!"

"Ah, you fear those mines don't you?" said a Saruman voice-over.

"WAHH! I'M HEARING VOICES IN MY HEAD!" screamed Gandalf.

The other Fellowship members gave him a worried look; some thought to themselves Not again…

"It's a voice-over! You're not supposed to hear my voice inside your head!"

"But to the viewers it looks like I can."

"Well, you can't!"

"Then stop making it look like you can!"

"Fine. You fear those mines, don't you?" continued Saruman.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

"For the last time-"

"Just to prove you wrong, we're going through the mines! Isn't that right, Fellowship?"

The Fellowship, who were either unconscious from the cold or wondering who Gandalf was talking to did not respond, mainly due to the former.

"We'll go through the Mines of Morphine!" declared Gandalf when no one answered.

"The Mines of Morphine?" said Boromir incredulously.

"Yes, it's not a very good name, is it?" said Gimili, and added, "And that's the second time you've said something incredulously, by the way."

"Gandalf, shouldn't you ask me first? I am the first member of the Fellowship," said Frodo.

"Maybe, but who's the brain of this operation?

"Uhhhh…"

"My point exactly."