Snape continued his mad dash straight out of Hogwarts, knocking over students and professors every which way. The heavy doors of the castle didn't stop him as he ran right through them and onto the lawn. Neither knowing nor caring where he was going, he threw himself whichever way the little voice in his head told him. He only stopped when he was waist-deep in the lake. He was vaguely aware of students on the lawn staring at him, but he didn't care. He wasn't being… touched… any more. Ugh. That girl gave him the unholy shivers. Wait… what was that at his ankle? Too late did Snape notice that the giant squid that lived in the lake had him! He was lifted into the air and caressed by four long, slender tentacles. His life flashed before his eyes, until he noticed that it wasn't eating him… it was trying to stick a probing tentacle up his robe! The thing had him by his wrists and ankles, leaving him free to explore!
"Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit!" screamed Snape, not caring who heard. Curiously enough, nobody heard. All the students had gone inside. He braced himself as the squid stuck a tentacle between his thighs… then promptly dropped him. Snape stood up, quivering, as the squid turned its giant eye to him. "What the fuck do ye think yer doin', goin' around an' convincin' me that yer some kinda schoolgirl?"
"What the fuck do I think I'm doing?" screamed Snape hysterically. "I just got violated by a fish, and you ask me what I think I'm doing?!?"
The squid started sobbing. "All me life I've been called a great ruddy fish. I'm a fucking cephalopod, but what do they care? It's just fish fish fish, and if it ain't fish, it's fucking octopus! I've had it!" It blew its hidden nose. Snape looked sadly at the creature.
"I'm, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were so adverse to being called a fish."
"Well, I am. And I suppose I'm sorry for violatin' ye. It's jest, the hair an' the dress… well… they make ye look like a woman… or a poofter." The squid shuddered at the mention of poofters. Snape patted it on the back again, and it swam back down to the depths. Scarred from his most recent experience, he decided to go complain to Dumbledore. It was a long, squishy walk back to the castle, and the guardian gargoyle was a dick, but Snape was still wet and smelly when he plonked himself down in front of Dumbledore's desk.
"Severus!" Dumbledore said. "You're all wet!"
"So it would seem," the sodden professor drawled. Dumbledore reached across the desk and picked a piece of lake scum off of the Potion Master's forehead. "I had a bit of a run-in… with a student… Miss Ivanavitch Fellinaditch Thatsagoodpitch."
"Ah, a beautiful young lady," the Headmaster croaked.
"So it would seem, but Headmaster, that's not the point. The girl tried to seduce me!"
"Severus, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill here." The Headmaster loosened his robes and sat back in the giant poofy chair that now replaced his desk chair. "Why don't you come here and sit next to me and we'll get you calmed down?"
Snape narrowed his eyes. "I would prefer to remain sitting over here, sir."
"You're missing out. Why, Professor Trelawney loves to sit on my lap and tug on my beard." The old wizard smiled gleefully.
Snape shuddered. "Sir, I do not want to know what you and Professor Trelawney do in your downtime. That is completely under your jurisdiction, although, if I may speak freely, it seems… inappropriate, to say the least. Anyways, this girl molested me in the middle of class, and refused to stop. I left the room to avoid a truly embarrassing situation."
"Ah? And what would that be? Giving in to the little vixen?" Dumbledore leered.
"No, sir. Shitting my robe is more like it. Anyways, I ran from the room and somehow ended up in the lake. I stopped for a breath – "
" – And that's when the squid attacked," Dumbledore interrupted.
"Yes, that's when the squid… wait, how did you know?"
"Why, it's obvious, Severus. From the sucker marks all over your body."
"What?"
"Look down, Severus."
Snape looked down and shrieked again. His robes were gone! Dumbledore was holding the dripping black garments and smiling warmly. "Gimme those back!" If his robes were gone, then so was his professionalism. Dumbledore held them out of reach as he grabbed for them.
"Ah ah ah, Severus." The wizened old man shook a wrinkly finger at Snape. "It's Naked Time!" With that, Dumbledore jumped up on his desk, scattering papers, inkwells, and a Chocolate Frog to the floor and ripped off his own robes to reveal a vibrant purple thong and thigh-high purple boots. Rave lights and disco balls dropped down from the ceiling as the furniture magically dissolved. Hidden speakers blared a techno version of "You Spin Me Round" by that Muggle group Dead or Alive, and Fawkes the phoenix sat behind a tiny DJ booth. Dumbledore thrust his pelvis into the air, pumping his elbows in time with the music. Snape stood there stupefied with his jaw on the floor. Dumbledore didn't realize Snape's discomfort as he pumped his bony hips into the air, his beard flapping around his face.
Downstairs, the gargoyle muttered angrily as Professors McGonagall and Trelawney rushed toward the secret entrance to Dumbledore's rave/office. "They don't pay me enough for this…" he growled as two sets of female wizarding costumes hit him full in the face. He continued to comment surlily as other guests arrived, including Hagrid, Cho Chang, and a pair of centaurs. When the last of the ravers arrived, the gargoyle had completely disappeared. A talking pile of clothes had taken its place. "Damn!" said the clothes pile. "Why couldn't he just use the Room of Requirement?"
Meanwhile, inside the room, Snape still stood there, statue-like. "Come, Severus! Join us! Join in the cornucopia of love!" Dumbledore shouted, still grinding away at the air. Cornucopia… of… love? The flashbacks hit Snape like a ton of bricks, and shook him from his stupor. Despite Dumbledore's outburst, everybody was still writhing sickeningly to the music. Quietly, Snape edged along the wall and slipped out the door. He calmly grabbed the first robe he could reach on the gargoyle, and, back in control of himself, wrapped it around himself and fastened it tightly. It was only when he reached into the pocket and pulled out a picture of himself with little hearts decorating it did he panic again. He ran for his office, but was stopped by a student wearing cut-off robes.
"Professor Snape! Stop!"
He stopped and stared at her, disgusted. Her robes showed it all- they were tied in front and chopped off at the bottom, exposing her ample cleavage and long legs to all the world. Panting heavily from all the exercise of the day, he drew himself up and cleared his throat.
"You are in violation of the dress code, young lady. Five points from whatever the hell house you're in."
"I'm a Slytherin, but that's not why I stopped you. Daddy Snape, I'm your long-lost daughter, Daisy! And I want some good, old-fashioned fatherly love! Come here and gimme a kiss!" She shut her big brown eyes, puckered her baby-pink lips and squeezed her arms together, amplifying her… assets. When no kiss came, she opened her eyes. "Daddy Snape? Daddy Snape, where'd you go?" she said to the retreating dust cloud.
Snape reached his office in record time and slammed the door. He backed up against it, panting heavily. Exhausted, he collapsed to the floor and curled up in a little ball, shutting his eyes tightly. When he opened them again, the edited picture of himself stared him in the face. Furious, he threw the picture down onto his desk and began to pace, yelling all the while.
"I don't understand! Why is everybody in this damned school trying to get into my robes? I'm a deeply horrible person! I'm greasier than Italy in the middle of a pizza surplus! I look like an overgrown bat! Eagles envy my nose! What about this is sexually attractive?! What?!" He tore at his slimy hair and paced frantically about his office. It was then that he heard a knock at the door. "What?! Er, What do you want?"
A timid Harry Potter pushed open the heavy wooden door with his shoulder. His arms were held behind his back. "To talk, sir."
Snape looked Harry over, grimacing and squeezing his eyes shut. "For God's sake, Harry, go put a robe on. I don't talk to people in boxers!"
"Oh?" said Harry. "Well, then, I'll just change into what I've got here."
"See that you do!" said Snape, eyes still shut. He heard fabric rustle as Potter presumably put on a robe.
"It's safe to open now, sir," said Harry.
Snape opened one eye just a crack, and dove clumsily behind his desk. Well, he wasn't wearing the boxers any more. "Potter!" he squeaked. "That is wildly inappropriate! I knew that foreign exchange students would be a bad idea! Look what they've done to you! I never really liked you that much, and I certainly never made… inappropriate passes at you! I never do anything like that to students!" He drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly with both arms, using one hand to rake his hair. His heart pounded and his pupils constricted to the point of almost non-existence.
"It's not the exchange students!" proclaimed a new voice.
"Oh GOD!" Snape thought. "Not Draco, too!"
"It is I, Draco Malfoy!" the lad proclaimed heroically, "And together with my…"
"You can say it, Draco," Harry said softly.
"With my lover, Harry Potter, we have come down here to proclaim our hot boy lust for you! We have come to the conclusion that we have been denied all the best ultrasex all these years! And you've been denying it! Do you need any help with the whipped cream?"
Snape squeaked.
"Oh, no, not you, sir, I was talking to Potter. Do you need help with the whipped cream, Harry?"
"Yes, Draco, I do. These handcuffs are awful tight, and I just can't seem to get my front." The soft sound of aerosol ice cream topping accompanied by the giggles and moans of two lusty teens whipped Snape into a panic. He rocked back and forth, biting his arm. He thought about how to escape. The giggles had turned into louder moans and licking sounds. "Don't worry, sir, we'll save some for you!" He had to think harder. Oh God. Not harder… he had to think faster… no… why was everything sounding so wrong? Hmm… could he Avada Kedavra himself? That might work! He patted around in his robes for his wand. Shit! Where was it? His mind raced back to that morning… let's see, woke up, had breakfast, got molested, ran like hell… it must have fallen out during the running like hell part. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" he muttered. Wait… Avada Kedavra… Voldemort… Shutting his eyes tightly, Snape stood up and pointed at where he hoped the door was. "Look! It's Voldemort! And he's naked!"
"EEEEEEEEEE!" squealed Harry and Draco. "Let's go get him! We'll have a hot man-boy orgy!"
"He ran that way!" Snaped screamed, pointing blindly. As the two boys left the room squealing, Snape threw all the furniture against the door, barricading it against the next over-sexed student or professor to attack him. He knew what he had to do, but he didn't want to do it. Still, desperate times call for desperate measures… He hissed, mooed, barked, and meowed as calmly and realistically as a man in his position could.
"Hiss! Moo! Arf arf arf! Meow!"
Fortunately, the locks on Severus Snape's Secret Stash Room weren't that sophisticated. The wooden panel under the desk slid open, and Snape dropped to the room below. Illegal potion ingredients, like sea-weed and Maryjaneus poticus lined the shelves on the walls. "And this is why being the Potions Master rocks," thought Snape as he totally left the ingredients alone. At the far end of the room was a small table with a single lamp illuminating it. As Snape approached, it became clear that there was a piece of Muggle technology and a Muggle book on the table. Sighing deeply, Snape picked up the one working telephone in Hogwarts and opened the telephone directory to L.
"Lawyers, defense, lawyers, defense, where in bloody hell are the defense lawyers at? Aha, here they are…" He dialed the first number on the list. The perky receptionist on the other end answered "Smegma, Pumba, and Qark, Attorneys at Law, how may I help you?"
Snape cleared his throat and spoke into the telephone receiver. "I need to retain a lawyer. It's a case of… sexual harassment."