Disclaimer: See last chapter

Alucard's little sister: I know this is a little late but I've been absorbed in AMVs (Anime Music Videos). This idea was going to be chapter 4 of part 1 but I forgot it until now. I can be such an airhead.

To have a psychiatric evaluation

It had been three days since the 'I never dare' and the mansion was quiet. Seras and Pip played the 'two day game' Risk as Alucard watched. Under his hair he had a thick line of bandage wrap, covering his wound from the silver bat. Some of it was soaked with blood.

"It's very strange that Alucard's so quiet," said Pip. "Usually he'd be bugging someone right now, but he's right here, watching us play a game. You just got to wonder if he's all there."

Seras shook her head slowly. "I'm telling you, right now, it's just plain sad. I heard Integra told him he had to make up for the days he's recovering. She really wants that second week off," she said. "I'm sure he's fine. He's probably pretending just to get off the paper work for a while."

Alucard suddenly threw an eraser at Seras to get her attention. "You know, most people would talk like that behind the person's back," he muttered. "Why don't you have your head hit with a silver bat, that was probably blessed as well, and then tell me how you feel. This is horrible. I wish she cut off my head with her silver sword instead of hitting me with the bat. But, no. Now, I have to suffer though this."

Pip nodded. "I'd hate to be you right now," he said. "You know when you're like this you're almost n…." he stopped and suddenly, started laughing.

This confused both Seras and Alucard. Seras scratched her head. "What's so funny, Pip? Are you going share it with the rest of us?"

He calmed down and wiped a tear from his eye. "I almost called Alucard 'normal'," he said. "He's far from normal and it reminded me of that one time two days after Sir Hellsing hired us."

Alucard rolled his eyes. "Oh, that," he said. "Yes, for some reason, I remember that very well right now, even though my brain is like mush."

Seras was lost. "Uh, what did I miss?"

Four Days after the attack on the Hellsing mansion

"Now, this may sound a bit loony, but" said Integra to the Wild Geese, "by order of the queen and protocols, you lot are to be evaluated by a psychologist."

"Don't worry," said the psychologist in a monotone voice, "this will only take fifteen minutes of your time."

As the other soldiers followed the psychologist, Pip walked over to Sir Hellsing. "Why?" he asked her. "Is it important that we get evaluated? I mean you can just look though a background check."

"It's to make sure you can handle the type of missions you get sent on," said Alucard right behind Pip. "It also determines what job you'll be doing."

Integra pushed up her glasses. "That is correct, Alucard. Now, is there anything else captain, because I'm extremely busy right now."

"No, that was it really," Pip said quickly. He jogged away from them.

"So, what is it that you want Alucard," she asked. "It's not like you to answer a question asked to me."

"Two things, no, scratch that, three things. One, I am bored out of my mind. Two, we need a new maid as one was killed in the attack," he said. "And third, I was just making sure you were back to your old self or if you need to talk to that shrink guy too."

She hit him with a silver paperweight she had in her pocket. "Does that answer your question," she snapped. "I'm just a bit tried from over working that's all! If you're so bored, then I dare you to be evaluated by that psychologist. And, don't pretend that you're human. Yes, that's right; I want you to be truthful. In other words I want you to scare him. Don't worry no matter what happens, you can't be fired."

Alucard waited with the others until he was the last one waiting. A few minutes later, Pip walked out of the TV room with the psychologist. "I recommend that your keep you sick thoughts to yourself," droned the psychologist. "Alright, now, who's next?"

"That would be me, I am the last one," said Alucard. He stood up and followed the psychologist. He laid down on the couch. "So, doc what kind of questions will you be asking?"

"Well, we'll start with some word association," said the psychologist. "I'll say a word, then you say the first word you can think of. First word is, women."

"Police Girl," Alucard said. "I know it may not be one word, but it's the first thing that comes to my mind."

The psychologist wrote this down on a note book. "Ok, very well. On to the next one, the second word is…create."

Alucard smiled evilly. "Destruction," he said. "Ah, my top favorite word. The chaos that it causes is so much fun."

This made the poor guy just doing his job a bit nervous. He wrote that answer down and tried to stop himself from being too scared. "Alright," he said as he started to lose the monotone in his voice. "On to the last word, which is….ghouls."

"Pathetic creatures," he said. "Ok, I'm really bored now."

The psychologist wrote this down. "Alright, then we'll do something else," he said. "So, tell me about your relationship with Sir Hellsing."

This made Alucard laugh. "The way you said that it sounded like you think we're lovers, but it's not like that. It's far from that (lest the last time I checked it was)," he said. "She's my master and I have to serve her or else."

This made this psychologist interested. "Or else what," he asked as he wrote all of this down.

"When she's mad at me she hits me with something silver. I hate silver. One time, when she was really mad at me, she hit me with a silver bat as hard as she could. It took three days for me to recover! Three whole painful days! Me, the most powerful vampire in the world, and it took that long to heal from a simple silver bat!" Alucard sighed. "The good thing was, she was shorter than me and could only hit me in the back. I can't imagine what it would be like to be hit in the head with that bat. Who knows how long that would take me to recover from."

The psychologist scrambled to write all of that down. "So, tell me," he said. "Why did she hit you with the silver bat?"

"That's easy," said Alucard. "She was mad at me because I over heard her talking in her sleep and I was going to tell Walter that Integra needed to drink less caffeine at night. Unfortunately she thought I was going to tell him what she said. Like I said, good thing she couldn't hit my head."

The psychologist wrote this down. He got up and looked around, and then he sat back down. "Well, since Integra is no where in sight, why don't you tell me what she said. What was it that would make her so upset?"

Alucard smiled a manic smile. "It's funny, I was checking on her to make sure she was ok, and all of a sudden, she started talking. She said (and I quote) 'Alucard, my knight in shining amour has come to save me on his black horse, yeah'. I couldn't believe what I just heard so, I burst out laughing. She wasn't happy with me (good thing so was too tired to hit me)."

The psychologist found himself trying not to burst out laughing. He quickly contained himself. "You know for a vampire, you sure are funny," he said. The monotone in his voice was completely gone. "I thought I was going be bored out of my mind."

Meanwhile at the entrance hall, Integra and Walter were talking. "Now, before you go to the maid finding place or whatever you must know what I want," said Integra. "First of all no more old people, understand? I want them to be between the ages of 19 and 27. They must be nice and she must have the ability to run fast. Most importantly they must understand the paranormal and they must be able to cope with unpredictable situations."

Walter bowed. "Very well, Sir Integra," he said. "Miss Victoria and I will go and find a new maid."

That's when the psychologist walked back. He stopped next to Integra. "That man in red…" said the psychologist. "That guy is funny. For being the expert in vampires, he sure is interesting." He walked away whistling a happy tune.

Alucard walked into to the room. He looked weird-ed out. "That psychologist is the scariest werewolf I ever met," he said.