Back in Mr. Ratburn's class, Arthur put his plan into effect. He sat down at the desk next to Muffy.
"Um, Muffy, remember when Brain and Francine sent you that fake love note?" he asked.
"Uh huh."
"Well, let's say you did like a boy in school. What would you write in a note to him?"
"If I liked a boy, he'd have to be older and have very expensive tastes" Muffy replied "why are you asking me this anyway? Did you get a love note from someone?"
"No! I mean, I was…just curious is all" Arthur replied.
After Muffy ignored him, Arthur scanned the room for other possible suspects.
I've already ruled out Francine and Muffy he thought that leaves Fern, Sue Ellen, Jenna, & Cheryl. And if it's not any of them, it could be somebody from one of the other grades. Oh, I can't ask every girl in the school, what am I going to do?
Then he looked at Fern again and an idea hit him.
Hey, maybe I can get Fern to find out who wrote it he thought I just have to make sure she promises never to reveal it to anyone.
------
"Okay Arthur, I'll take your case" Fern said. Arthur had caught up with her after school and explained everything that had happened.
"And you promise you won't tell anyone about this?" he asked.
"Cross my heart" Fern said, making the appropriate motion.
"Okay, talk to me later when you find something out" Arthur said, before running off to go home. Once Fern was sure he had gone, she went to find Sue Ellen.
"You won't believe what just happened" she told her.
"They put new mysteries in the library?" Sue Ellen guessed.
"No. Arthur hired me to find out who his secret admirer is" Fern replied.
"So, are you going to tell him it's me?" Sue Ellen wondered.
"No. But think about it. I can help convince Arthur that he should hook up with his 'secret admirer.' Then it will be easier for you to tell him how you feel."
"That's a brilliant plan!" Sue Ellen said, "there's no way that can fail."
------
The next day, at recess, Arthur approached Fern at a nearby picnic table.
"Did you find out anything?" he asked.
"I can tell your secret admirer is someone in class" Fern replied "but first I need to ask you a few questions."
"Okay."
"How do you feel about having a secret admirer?"
"Upset" Arthur replied.
"Why is that?" Fern wondered.
"Because it's gross!" Arthur said "what if she wants to kiss me? I'd get cooties all over me!"
"But what if she's a girl who really likes you?" Fern inquired, "are you really going to break her heart like that? Maybe you should give her a chance."
"No way!"
"Come on Arthur. If there's a girl out there who likes you, I say you should search inside yourself and see if you feel the same way. You just might."
What is Fern doing? Arthur thought I wanted her to find out who my secret admirer is, and she's trying convince me to go out with this girl. Why would she be so interested in me going out with my secret admirer…unless, she is my secret admirer!
"Arthur, did you hear what I said?" Fern asked.
"Uh, I gotta go, I just…heard the bell. Well, bye" Arthur said, running as fast as he could.
"I hope I got through to him" Fern said to herself "Sue Ellen will be so pleased."
------
Back at his locker, Arthur was thinking about this new development.
I can't believe Fern's in love with me! He thought this is way worse than the time I thought Francine was in love with me. Okay, all I have to do is talk to Fern alone. I'll just say, "Fern, you're a great friend, but I don't like you that way." She'll understand that…I hope.
"Hey Arthur" Sue Ellen's voice interrupted his thoughts "so, what's new?"
"Nothing, nothing" Arthur replied just the fact that Fern is head over heels in love with me he thought.
"Are you sure there's nothing new?" Sue Ellen asked, "no special someone in your life?"
Oh no, does Sue Ellen know? Arthur thought I'd better test her.
"No, of course not!" Arthur yelled "you'd never see me dating a girl, that's for sure. And definitely not Fern."
"What does Fern have to do with anything?" Sue Ellen asked.
"She doesn't…that is to say, she…" Arthur stammered, "um, look Principal Haney's coming this way!"
Sue Ellen turned to look "I don't see Principal Haney" she said, but when she turned back, Arthur was gone.
"That was weird" she said, "I'd better talk to Fern and find out what's going on."
-------
"George, can you keep a secret?" Arthur asked his friend as both were in the bathroom.
"Sure, what is it?"
Arthur looked around to make sure no one else was there, then whispered into George's ear.
"Are you sure?" an amazed George asked.
Arthur shook his head, "yeah, she practically told me!"
"Wow, I never would've guessed Fern would like you. I always saw her going for someone like Brain."
"Listen, you can't tell anyone" Arthur said "if the rest of the class hears about this, they'll never let me live it down!"
"Okay, but why'd you tell me?" George asked.
"Because I need advice" Arthur explained "I don't want to go out with Fern, but I'm afraid what will happen if I hurt her. Remember what she did when Francine called her a mouse?"
"Oh yeah" George said "well if you're worried about hurting her, maybe you can make it so that she doesn't like you anymore."
"And how am I supposed to do that?"
"Show off some really gross habits. Fern will lose interest in no time, and then you don't have to break her heart" George suggested.
"Wow that is a good idea" Arthur said, "thanks George, and remember, don't tell anyone."
"My lips are sealed" George replied.
------
During recess, Sue Ellen sought out Fern on the playground. She found her reading under one of the nearby trees.
"What exactly did you say to Arthur?" she asked, "he's acting all weird and saying he won't date anyone."
"That's odd" Fern said, "I told him he should search his heart and give his secret admirer a chance. Although he did seem rather reluctant to do so…"
"Great!" Sue Ellen exclaimed "I like Arthur and he doesn't like me back! Why must life be so cruel?"
"Now hold on, I never said Arthur didn't like you" Fern explained "let me work with him some more and I'm sure I can turn him around."
"Okay" Sue Ellen replied "but you'd better hurry. The day's half over."
------
After school Fern sought out Arthur and found him talking to Buster.
"Arthur, could I talk to you for a second?" she asked.
This is it Arthur thought just remember what George said; show her how disgusting I really am.
"Could you excuse us for a minute Buster?"
"Okay. I'll catch you at the Sugar Bowl later" Buster replied.
After his bunny friend left, Arthur turned to Fern "what do you want?"
"I wanted to finish the conversation we had earlier."
"Sure, sure, let me just finish this pudding" Arthur said. He peeled the top off and proceeded to pour the contents directly into his mouth.
"Eww" Fern replied.
"Yeah, well, that's the way I eat" Arthur said, "yup, nothing I love more than shoving food in my face." Then he let loose a powerful belch right in her face. "Excuse me."
"You're grossing me out Arthur" Fern replied.
"Hey, I'm just being my normal self" Arthur explained.
"Okay, you're acting really weird and I don't know why, so I'm going to leave now" Fern said, before she walked away.
"Wow George's plan worked" Arthur said "there's no way Fern is still in love with me. I guess that's the end of all this 'secret admirer' stuff."
-----
Sue Ellen & Fern walked towards their houses, and the cat girl grilled her friend on how things went with Arthur.
"I couldn't talk to him, he was acting so disgusting" Fern explained "it was as though he was purposely trying to get me to leave him…" Suddenly, it hit her like a ton of bricks.
"What? What is it?"
"Now I understand" Fern replied "because I was the one who talked to Arthur about his secret admirer, it's possible he assumed I was said admirer. That would explain why he's been acting so strange around me."
"Okay, so how do I get Arthur to find out the truth?" Sue Ellen asked.
"I guess you'll have to tell him yourself" Fern said "I've helped all I can, and after this incident, I'm washing my hands of this whole thing."
"If that's how you feel" Sue Ellen replied "I'm not worried. I mean, how hard can it be to say three little words? I could say them with my eyes closed, no problem."
"Then why haven't you?"
"Shut up."
Next time, Sue Ellen finally musters the courage to talk to Arthur, only to find Buster ruining her chance to be alone with him. What does she do in order to distract him? You'll just have to read and find out.