Holding Hands We'll Fall
Cloud/Sephiroth
R

Part Two: Guarded

He wasn't sure what it was that made him this way. He only knew that if he ever let Cloud touch him, if they ever truly made love, that he would be lost. Being with Cloud, feeling Cloud—in that way—would be a statement, a truth, an admission Sephiroth wasn't sure that he could make, or one that Cloud was ready for or wanted to hear. He had never touched someone like that, had never needed to. He was a warrior, nothing more, until recently. Cloud made him want things he knew were impossible. Love. A normal life. A home. A family. And every time he was close to Cloud, desires for things out of reach for him welled up in his heart. He should have left the young man alone, never started anything between them, but he couldn't. He needed the man. Something in his heart cried out for him, something that hadn't yet been weeded out by ShinRa's ruthless training and tests. But for Cloud's sake, he never should have touched him.

The blond man wasn't satisfied now, not like he had been at first. What had once simply been pleasure had begun to melt away into discontent, a look of searching questions, questions that Sephiroth couldn't answer. Cloud wanted more, but as to whether it was just physically or if it extended further than that, Sephiroth wasn't sure. The young man lusted after him, that much was obvious. He always had. But did he love Sephiroth? Cloud had never said, and there were no outward signs as to how Sephiroth ought to proceed with him, even if he had been able to. It was all guesswork on his part and the safely secure knowledge that Cloud was a horny, teenage boy who would always want an orgasm. In that, at least, Cloud was predictable.

His thoughts turned to their earlier encounter. The way the young man writhed beneath his mouth, the needy moans that dropped from his lips, the aching question in his blue eyes as he'd left… He was intoxicating and he possessed Sephiroth completely, though he doubted Cloud knew it. He brought a hand to his lips. He could still taste the man's tangy flavor on his breath. It pleased him to know that no one else had ever tasted Cloud's seed. For now, this was his alone. Sephiroth's heart clenched at the sudden realization that eventually Cloud would discard him for someone who actually cared, someone who would love him properly. The notion was not a pleasant one.

He had been the first one to spirit Cloud away. His had been the first hand to wrap around Cloud's needy flesh. He had been the first to taste him, the first to see his face in the throes of pleasure. The more Sephiroth thought about it, the more he realized that he wanted to be there for all of Cloud's firsts, that he wanted to be the one Cloud experienced them with. And that would never happen if Sephiroth didn't change. He had to take a chance, risk everything for the impossible, otherwise Cloud would, regardless of his feelings, eventually move on.

Sephiroth stopped pacing. It was accomplishing nothing other than wearing a hole in the floor of his apartment. What would help would be to go see Cloud. He glanced over at the clock. It was nearly four. Had he truly been lost in his thoughts this long? It had only seemed mere minutes, but in truth, several hours had passed. But on the plus side, Cloud should be back in his room now. Afternoon drills were finished, and if he hurried, he might be able to catch Cloud before he went out with the other cadets for a typical Friday night. Sephiroth frowned. He couldn't really picture Cloud as one of the 'drink until you look good, different lover every night' guys. But he supposed he could be. Sephiroth had made it a point not to inconvenience Cloud when it came to a regular life, partly for secrecy's sake, and partly because, if Cloud wanted to do those things, he should have a choice. Cloud was young, and Sephiroth didn't want to get in the way of the things young men usually did.

Shaking his head, Sephiroth exited his rooms and made his way to the cadet dormitories. No one stopped him as he made his way inside, checked the roster behind the desk, and disappeared down the hall. When he reached Cloud's door, he paused, the lively colors catching his eyes. The door was artistically plastered with pictures of chocobos and photographs of various cadets and SOLDIERs, most of whom Sephiroth recognized. He smiled at the ridiculous innocence of it. Cloud tried so hard to be grown, to be a hardened warrior like his peers, but deep inside, it was still chocobos and collages.

He knocked tentatively, softly at first. No answer. Again. Nothing. Sephiroth's brows drew together. Cloud should be in his rooms. He hadn't checked out at the desk, so unless he snuck out… Sephiroth pondered this. As a commanding officer, he now had the grounds to override the door codes and search Cloud's room, see if the man was indeed gone. But as a friend, as someone who was trying to give a wilting flower life, Sephiroth was loath to invade the man's sanctuary. This was Cloud's space, Cloud's world, and as much as Sephiroth wanted to be a part of it, Cloud hadn't invited him into it yet.

He was about to leave, when it occurred to him that if Cloud was sneaking out, if someone else caught him, Sephiroth would be hard put to arrange for the boy to stay. Cloud would be out on his ass faster than Sephiroth could draw his sword. It was better if he took care of it. Raising his hand to the keypad, he punched in his all-access override code and flinched slightly as the door gave a hissing click and slid open.

Afternoon light poured through the little room as Sephiroth stepped over the threshold. The door slid shut after him, taking the light from the hall with it, leaving the room a bit dimmer than Sephiroth had expected. The room, at first, seemed empty. But then, Sephiroth noticed the tip of a spiky, blond head sticking out from under the covers. Stepping softly, Sephiroth crept over to the bed. Cloud wasn't AWOL; he was asleep! Sephiroth gave a small huff of amused relief. He considered leaving. The fact that Cloud was sleeping in the middle of the day, clearly said that he needed the rest. Perhaps he should come back when he wouldn't disturb him. And when he hadn't broken into the boy's room.

Just then, Cloud shifted, turning in his sleep. The covers slipped to the side as the man settled on his back, head snuggled soundly in his pillow. Sephiroth gulped as his eyes ravished Cloud's bare chest, which was still narrow, his adult breadth just starting to widen at his shoulders, but already he had the hard lines of solid muscle along his ribs, the proof of how had he'd been working. The skin was flawless other than a few bruises from Cloud's training, no battle scars residing on the youthful flesh. Not yet. One slim, small-fingered hand rested over the boy's heart, and it rose and fell with the weight of his breaths. Soft, yellow light from the single window cast a glow over Cloud's sleeping face, fringing his blond lashes into a burnished gold. Peace reigned, and Sephiroth studied his features carefully. He was entranced by the easy, comfortable relaxation that overcame Cloud in sleep. He'd never seen him in this light, Cloud always bearing a look of fierce determination, somber question, or when they were together, harsh pleasure, but never this intoxicating look of serenity. Nothing troubled Cloud here, and Sephiroth was honored to have witnessed Cloud in such a state.

Without meaning to, Sephiroth reached out his hand to smooth away wayward strands of sleep-dampened hair from Cloud's forehead. As his gloved fingers brushed the pale skin, he recoiled his hand quickly, the innocent touch burning him. He couldn't do this! He'd never had more than what he'd given Cloud, a meaningless, impersonal hand job beneath concealing fabric. He was Sephiroth, the General, the hope of the world, and he'd guarded himself for far too long. How could he turn his back on what he knew, what people expected of him, needed of him, and begin to dream again? How could he mingle the gentle love growing in his heart for this beautiful young man with the remorseless killing machine he knew himself to be?

Cloud stirred again, his hand sliding downward, disappearing beneath the covers. Sephiroth swallowed as he realized the intent of the slumbering hand, and then his heart ceased beating as Cloud mumbled a single, sleepy word. "Sephiroth…"

tbc…