First: Apologies for taking so long to post this. I also apologise for it being so long. If it's any comfort, at one point it was almost twice the length you find here. I've hacked away at it to make it more manageable - and hopefully more readable. Wrapping things up was difficult, and the temptation to go off on a couple tangents was hard to resist at one point, but I don't think it would have served the story very well. This, except for the ever-changing epilogue I'm now fighting with, is it. Story over.

Thanks to everyone for reviewing as I posted this story. It was encouraging, and the most awesome experience I've ever had in posting here. I really appreciate that you took time to let me know you were out there and reading!

Did I mention lately that only the characters I invented myself are mine? That the rest have just been brought out to play?

Too High a Cost
By: Mariel

Chapter 33

Rapprochement

Bill's hand felt strong and solid, and it covered hers with comfortable, familiar gentleness. As he began to absentmindedly caress her palm with the tips of his fingers, Laura welcomed the shiver of awareness that coursed through her. More than anything, she wanted to concentrate only on that skin-to-skin touch, wanted to focus only on the warmth of a physical connection with him she had missed too much. Closing her eyes, she began to let that hyper-awareness extend to all of her body...She didn't want to think anymore...didn't want anything but to be here, with him, like this...

His voice rumbled across her consciousness.

"You said that what matters is what's here, between us." He looked at her carefully. "But what do we do about it? What if it's a better idea for us to let go of what's between us?"

Her eyes flew open as she recoiled.

Let go?

She gripped his hand tightly. Cautious of where he was going with this, she waited a moment before speaking.

"I don't think I understand," she said slowly.

"I'm asking if we can deal with one another on a personal level and still guide what's left of humanity to Earth."

There was a moment's silence. Finally, she responded, "We were doing okay before. We're human beings, Bill. We live, we do our job, and we were lucky enough to find each other." Finding an exhilarating sense of freedom in speaking about how she felt aloud, she said, "Love is the most human emotion there is. I don't think the gods would ask us to give it up in order to save humanity. Where would be the point?"

A hint of amusement flashed in his eyes. "I wouldn't know. You've been on better speaking terms with them than I."

Though his response had been tongue-in-cheek, she answered him seriously. "The gods ask for sacrifices, but they don't ask us to become something we're not, or demand us to give up a part of what makes us human. We're fighting against machines incapable of love. The gods wouldn't ask us to turn our backs on that emotion in order to fight them. It wouldn't make sense."

He shrugged. "As far as I'm concerned, the gods have never made sense. Why would they start now? But if you think so, I'm sure you're right." He looked at her for a long, solemn moment. Thinking of Sharon, he wasn't so sure what she'd said about the cylons and love was true, but he knew that wasn't important just now, it was simply another one of those things they would disagree on until something happened to make one of them change their mind. Shifting his thoughts, he finally spoke.

"So we're in agreement. We're not going to let this go. If that's the case, we need to figure out how we're going to approach things. We haven't done such a great job of it so far. I think for this to work, we need a framework. Our affair just started - almost, it seemed, out of the blue. It worked all right at first, but it sprang from a random impulse we acted upon without thinking."

"It may have been a 'random impulse we acted on', but it was what we'd wanted for quite a while," she reminded him bluntly.

It had been exactly what they'd wanted. In the early days of humanity's flight from the cylons, they'd quickly learned to respect one another. It hadn't taken long after that for them to admit to an attraction. Momentum had inexorably carried them from there. Neither of them, however, had expected what had been developing between them to be anything more than two people in certain positions of power enjoying one another occasionally.

Remembering the argument that had led to their first sexual encounter, Bill's eyes glinted with amusement. "There's no doubt it's what we wanted," he said. "I think we were quite definite about it being what we wanted." With a knowing smile he squeezed her hand and continued, "Power sex is a heady thing, especially if you can list dozens of reasons why you shouldn't allow yourself to indulge and choose to indulge anyway."

That first time, when they had first touched, first allowed the embers they knew lay burning to ignite, they'd insisted on trying to keep perspective. Laura had whispered, "This is a bad idea."

Removing his mouth from her skin, Bill had taken a moment to agree. "We should stop," he'd said, loving her softness and the way she held onto him and arched her neck encouragingly.

"My detail is just outside. They'll wonder what's taking so long," she'd murmured. Her breath had hitched as his hands wandered over her body, and, having already divested him of his uniform top, she'd quickly worked to untuck his undershirts.

"My marines, too," he'd agreed as her hands slid beneath his shirts and over the skin of his back. "They gossip like old women." He'd smoothly lifted her skirt to her waist, grasped her buttocks, then pressed himself against her.

She'd groaned when she felt his hardness against her. And bitten his shoulder and wrapped one leg around him in order to press herself more tightly against him.

"I'll be late getting back. Billy will-" Her words were muffled as his lips covered hers and his tongue explored the inside of her mouth again.

He'd then begun a slow walk towards his rack.

Neither missed a beat, their hands and mouths busy.

"If there were even a suggestion that we were involved, there'd be hell to pay," he'd rasped. "We shouldn't do this."

"You're right. Gods, the Quorum would have a field day," she'd agreed, slipping out of her shoes as he guided her backwards to his bed.

"The press would tear you and your administration apart. We can't do this," he'd said.

"No. We can't," she'd admitted. When the back of her legs hit his rack, she'd stopped and begun to work on the waist of his pants.

He unbuttoned her skirt.

While divesting themselves of the rest of their clothes, they'd both continued to agree having sex was foolish, political suicide, and a bad, dangerous idea that they should avoid at all costs...

The sex between them had been energetic and frenetic and wonderfully satisfying; they'd left marks, their arousal had been pitched higher than they could remember it ever having been, and they had indulged themselves with determined abandon.

It was an effect, they were certain, of months spent in anticipation.

Deciding it had been over too soon, they'd compensated by agreeing that there were more important matters to discuss than anyone realised and that more consultation was necessary. Thus, they were able to grant themselves more time to explore and enjoy each other a second time around before they both, dressed and with files firmly in hand, solemnly emerged from his quarters.

For days after, during moments he could allow his thoughts to wander, he'd had a difficult time keeping a grin off his face. When she threw him the occasional satisfied smirk during a meeting, it had been almost impossible.

He looked at her with deep, darkened eyes. "Our problem was that things quickly turned from a comfortable convenience into something else entirely."

"Something neither comfortable nor convenient," she observed. The want had quickly seemed to turn to need. She looked down at their entwined fingers and wondered if it had perhaps always been 'something else entirely' and they'd just been too blind to see it. Whatever the case, there were definitely times she regretted the complication that emotions had added to the situation. It would all have been much easier had things between them remained a simple, physical activity done in secret.

His lips curved slightly. "We've always known it'll never be convenient," he said, squeezing her fingers gently. "Too many opportunities for discovery." His smile dropped away as he continued, "I can live with inconvenience, though. What I can't live with is being uncomfortable, and to be comfortable, I need trust." Releasing her hand, he turned more fully onto one hip, crossed one leg over the other, and regarded her with dark eyes. Some of the iron control and remote manner that had become such a part of him since New Caprica returned; the anger may have left him, but not the memories, or the lessons learned.

"I can't live with the way we've been treating one another. I can't live with lies and hidden agendas from the woman I love, either on a personal or professional level. We don't stand a chance if we can't trust one another."

Thinking of the turmoil in the fleet that was only now beginning to resolve itself, he said, "We have to make this work, because if we can't, more than just our relationship will be destroyed. Valerant was right; the cost of our failure would be too high."

He looked at her and wondered if they were crazy to even consider this.

And rather thought they were.

But in a most wonderfully human way...

They balanced one another. If he needed to occasionally warn her about losing her humanity, then sobeit. If she needed to save him from becoming lost in his, that was fine, too. There was a synchronicity to it, and he thought it an effective means by which to ensure there was equilibrium in the way the fleet was guided.

But trust was the glue needed to hold things together, and he needed to know that she was prepared to give it. Prepared to offer it himself, but understanding how much more difficult it would be for her, he held her gaze and asked, "Can we do that? Can we - can you - find enough trust to make it work?"

-xxx-

She stared at him.

Trust. It was a small word, but for her a sometimes difficult one. She wasn't sure it was something you could just say you had and it would appear, and she'd never been at ease with it. She did, however, know that honesty and openness were indicators of it. Those she could do. It would be a start.

Taking a deep breath, she held his gaze firmly. Almost desperately afraid, but determined to hold her ground, she warned, "I'm going to continue to make decisions you don't agree with. There will be lines I need to cross that you won't be happy with. I don't see any way around that - it's the nature of my job...it's the nature of our situation."

Bill relaxed. "You mean 'desperate times call for desperate measures'? Up to a point, I'm with you. And I don't expect us to always agree, Laura. We never have, so there's no reason to think we'd start now. Disagreement is something we can live with. What we can't live with is a lack of trust. Life is difficult and complicated enough. We need to be honest with one another. Our professional and personal lives are too intertwined to separate. We have to accept that fact and lead our lives accordingly."

The air between them held a thoughtful silence before he continued, "We're going to face a lot of crises before we find Earth. The important thing is that we know where we differ, understand that differing isn't a betrayal, and move on. Together."

Laura withdrew a little bit. Love wasn't an easy thing at the best of times. Now, here, in these circumstances...In their particular circumstance...

Referring back to what he'd said about Anne's lesson on love, she warned him, "We're going to hurt each other. It's inevitable."

He didn't deny it.

Determined now to see this through, he admitted, "Of course it is. But it doesn't have to hurt too much; not if we trust each other and in the people around us." Wanting to draw her attention to a bigger picture, he told her, "Sometimes we forget that we're not alone. There are other people who care for you and for me and who care about the fleet. Sharing makes things easier. It helps buffer the hurt; helps give us perspective."

She stared at him, thinking he didn't understand her position, then realised he wasn't talking about final authority for decision making or assuming ultimate responsibility - which of course were hers alone - but the support on a personal level that one needed afterward, when, for good or bad, the dust from those decisions settled on those around you.

Remembering the scene in Life Station earlier that morning and the warm feeling of unity she'd witnessed amongst the uniformed men and women, she nodded. She'd seen that kind of support for him and envied it.

"You make it sound so simple," she said softly.

"No," he disagreed, "Letting yourself get close to others on some level makes things more complicated." The pain of it had sent him on a suicide run; made him crazy in a way he'd never thought possible. "Look at us. We're complicated. Very complicated. It makes us stronger in the long run, though. And more human."

Her eyes softened. He was a strong man, a man set firmly in his beliefs, and one who made swift, hard decisions in times of crisis. He was also a man given to an idealism that sometimes shocked her with its naivety. Able to make split-second decisions that could spell life or death for hundreds of men and women, he could still twist and turn like a hanged man when asked in the name of duty to step over a moral or ethical line he felt shouldn't be crossed. Who would suspect that he tortured himself so much over right and wrong? He was a patriot, a soldier, a humanitarian; he was a loyal friend, and a solid, respected - perhaps even beloved - leader. He had also failed miserably as a husband to his children's mother, was an uncertain parent, too tolerant a friend, and a man who sometimes too readily turned a blind eye to human frailties...

She sighed. Such a mix of qualities...

But then, she was a school teacher charged with the survival of what was left of the human race. Still not always sure of her abilities, she sometimes couldn't believe she'd made a snap decision to airlock someone. She'd been called upon to make decisions that had resulted in the death of thousands, had kidnapped a newborn, survived cylon detention, given orders that would have made many quail on any number of grounds - all with no apology to anyone.

She was a leader, and she led, making whatever hard decisions were necessary as she went.

But it didn't mean she was never lonely or uncertain.

And now she loved William Adama with a heart she hadn't even known she possessed.

And had never felt so afraid. Nor so unwilling to give something up.

It all, she decided, made them both very, very human...

Dragging her thoughts back to their conversation, she felt something settle inside her. When all was said and done, they were the perfect match. He had the strength to stand up to her and the wisdom to know when to quietly stand back. She trusted his truth. He upheld hers.

Finally, she smiled. "There's nothing wrong with being more human. Nothing at all."

-xxx-

Drinking in her smile, it finally struck him fully.

She loved him.

Really and truly.

It occurred to him suddenly what a leap of trust that was for her. He mulled the thought around in his brain. She trusted him enough to allow herself to love him. She felt herself alone, carried the weight of thousands of lives on her shoulders, and yet she had finally trusted enough in herself and in him to admit to an emotion that made her vulnerable.

"You love me," he said aloud, his voice holding all the wonder he felt at that fact.

"I do," she admitted, her voice somehow holding surprise and fear and resolve all at once.

In that moment he decided it was all the trust he needed.

"Then I guess that settles it," he said easily.

They slowly smiled at one another. He lifted an arm, and she moved toward him.

What had happened before would happen again.

-xxx-

"Dr. Cottle!" a bright voice called out. "I've been looking for you! I'm back from the Museum Bay."

Cottle turned. Recognising the medic he'd sent with Adama and Roslin that morning, he resisted the urge to cuff the young man's ears when he drew to a stop in front of him. Instead, he tightly reined in his temper and in a deceptively calm voice asked, "And what were you doing there, Smithers?"

The young medic looked surprised. "Captain Agathon didn't tell you? The Admiral ordered me to go there to check up on one of his marines. He wanted to make sure that there was a report ready for his family when they called the desk the President set up for patient enquiries."

"That was very kind of you," Cottle said, his voice still misleadingly mild. "It's too bad you forgot one important thing..."

Smithers looked uncertain. "Sir?"

Cottle thought about trying to stifle his irritation for a while longer, but then decided what the hell.

Finally snapping, his voice hardened as he rasped, "You weren't supposed to be there! You take orders from me, Smithers, not from the Admiral, not from the President, not from anyone else. I sent you to take care of the Admiral and the President because you were the best person available! I trusted you to follow orders. Very specific orders." His voice increased in volume. "Among which was returning them to Life Station! And you were to update me on their medical status as soon as you returned. I'm still waiting for them to return, and I'm still waiting for you to update me, and you've all been back for hours!"

The medic's look of confusion would have been comic had Cottle been in a better mood.

"I don't understand..." he said weakly.

"No, you wouldn't, because you weren't here to see that theydidn't come back to Life Station! In fact, they're still not back, and I still haven't had the opportunity to evaluate the Admiral's status since his little episode on the Gideon. The reason I haven't been able to is that you didn't make sure they returned - and worse, you didn't bother to report to me when they took off for places unknown."

"But Captain Agathon said-"

"I don't give a flying frak what Captain Agathon said, and I don't care who ordered him to say it!" Cottle growled. Revving himself up for a good tirade, he heard a gentle clearing of a throat. Turning, he saw Meyes, and lost some of his momentum.

"Dammit, woman, what do you want?"

She looked at him and then at the quailing medic. Serendipity was about to save Smithers' ass.

"The test results are ready, sir," she said.

Cottle glared at Smithers. He opened his mouth, then turned his gaze back towards Meyes.

She saw curiosity bloom in his eyes, and smiled inwardly.

Turning his attention back on the hapless medic, Cottle said gruffly, "We'll talk more about the line of command later, just so you're clear on it. I suggest you get out your procedure manual and brush up!"

With that, he turned and walked down the corridor. Over his shoulder, he growled, "Shake a leg, Meyes, I don't have all night!"

Giving Smithers a pointed look, she whispered, "Don't just brush up. Memorize that frakking thing!"

Turning, she followed the doctor.

-xxx-

She moved easily into his embrace. Resting comfortably against him, Laura relaxed. He was warm and solid and she felt safe, and, for this one, brief moment of time, they both felt hidden from the fleet and its problems and the reminders they faced every day that the cylons could return and they might all die.

Murmuring against his chest, she softly said, "I'm sorry."

His memory now intact, he could remember when she had said that before.

Rain had slid down his cheeks like tears. Pain had arced through him, sending fierce jots of fire burning along his nerves. He'd never felt anything like it before, not even when Boomer had shot him.

But none of it had hurt so much as when he'd felt her body slowly grow limp as life left it...

He tightened his embrace. "I don't want you to be sorry," he rasped. "It's over. We did what we did. And thanks to you, I'm alive to say it. But now we start on a different footing." Putting gentle fingers beneath her chin, he moved so that he could meet her eyes. "We're going to survive."

She nodded, and time seemed to slow as he bent his head. Carefully, lovingly, his mouth touched hers. Teasing her lips, he re-acquainted himself with their softness.

Gods, he'd missed her...

And she'd missed him...

Her heart pounded as she gently broke away. Clearing her throat she said huskily, "Well...I'm all for survival..."

He looked at her and for the first time since he'd regained consciousness felt a rush of gladness that he was alive. He would need to ask her forgiveness for running away, would need to ask for her understanding of what had led him to leave with no intention to return.

His lips breathed against her mouth.

She stilled suddenly, and carefully pulled back.

Looking deeply into his eyes, she smiled. It was a brilliant, blinding smile of realisation.

Trust.

She did.

And so this time, it was she who moved forward. She caressed his lips with the tips of her fingers, then moved closer so that her lips met his. She felt him relax, felt him begin a kiss that held so much promise she almost shied away from its intensity. But this time, she let herself go. She trusted this, trusted him, and trusted a future that saw them together...

Placing her hand on the nape of his neck, she slid backward, relishing his weight on her as he followed her lead.

It had happened before; it would happen again...

-xxx-

After a time, they'd decided the sofa was not where they wanted to continue their lovemaking. Standing beside his rack, she removed his uniform jacket and murmured, "What does it say about us that we're heading straight to sex now that we've sorted things out?"

He chuckled. Fumbling with a button at the waist of her blouse, he asked, "You'd rather we shook hands?"

She grinned. "Ummm, no."

"Then let's enjoy this. Dinner will be arriving before we know it, and after that, we'll need to head for Life Station before Cottle throws another fit."

Liking the idea of 'enjoying this' and smiling at the way he'd reminded her that even their makeup sex was on a schedule, she smiled and relaxed into their foreplay. Her body trembling with anticipation, she moved her hands roughly across his chest. The bindings covering his wounds reminded her of how close they had come to never having this chance at reconciliation.

The gods were good.

Emotion overcoming her, she drew her arms up over his shoulders and hugged him close. Tilting her hips against him, she felt his instinctive pressure back and smiled when he groaned and held her more tightly.

"It's been too long."

Gently taking his ear lobe between her teeth, she murmured, "I've missed you." He tasted good, he smelled good-

Her breath caught as his hands smoothed their way across her breasts.

-and what he did felt good...

They used everything they knew about the other to build their anticipation to a screaming point, heightening their physical responses tenfold as they slowly moved against one another. A kiss here, a touch there, a caress designed to tantalise and pleasure. Hands, skin, movement...when he entered her, she shuddered in welcome, then moved with him as they played out their rhythm until it all finally melded into a perfect moment, a perfect crescendo of heart and soul and body and mind.

Later, his body replete and his heart full, he shifted to look at her. She lay peacefully, her lips curved in contentment, her eyes closed. No matter where she was or what she was doing, he would always think her beautiful.

And dangerous.

But life itself was dangerous, and without her, it wasn't worth living. It was a weakness, perhaps, but one he would live with willingly.

Feeling his scrutiny, she opened her eyes. "Hello there."

"Hello."

Moving to rest her head on his shoulder, Laura sighed contentedly as their bodies aligned themselves. There was much to be said for gaining comfort where one could. They found it in each other in spades.

"Let's not ever lose this again."

"I've no doubt we'll do our best, but I'm sure things won't always be smooth sailing."

Nodding, she enjoyed the way his voice rumbled against her ear.

"No surprise there," she said.

Unexpectedly, she felt a tremor as he tightened his hold on her and gently chuckled. "No, I guess not."

She smiled, the warm vibration of his laughter making her feel safe and secure.

Slowly, however, the smile left her lips. Lifting her head, she held his gaze. "We're a lifetime away from what we want, aren't we?" she said sadly.

He looked at her. "Well, that cabin of ours is a long way off, but loving you is good. Your loving me is good. We can hold onto that. We'll find Earth, Laura. We'll be okay."

She lay back down and tightened her arms around him. For a moment more she would be able to hold her fear at bay. She'd lost everything and everyone when the colonies had fallen. In him she had found a soul mate, a help meet, and a friend and a lover.

So much to find in one man.

Bill held on to her. They'd provided support, strength, refuge, and hope for one another when it had been needed most. They had stumbled and fallen apart, but they were back on their feet and together again. There was depth to what they felt for one another; depth and meaning and a warm truth.

And, finally, there was trust.

To achieve that, there could have been no cost too high...

It was as it should have been.

End
Chapter 34

Good lord. I am a very sick person. If you believe this, I just threw in a new scene while getting ready to post this. Damn. I can't leave anything alone. I've gone and made it longer again. So I'm going to upload this quickly before I find something else to say...

Cajun13, I'm sorry I couldn't respond to let you know why I was running so late with this, but I appreciate your gentle reminder. Mendys, I owe you a reply in regard to your well considered comments about my use/abuse of poor Laura in this. Thank you for them. I keep telling you that I like the way you make me look at things from a different perspective. That opinion hasn't changed!

So now it's just the runaway epilogue. ARRGGGHH! Having learned from experience NOT to guess when I'll be posting, I'm going to keep my mouth shut this time. But since I'm going away in a few weeks, I know I have a time limit...

Thanks for reading. It's going to feel strange not to have this story to work on...