The weather outside the trailer reflected Derek's mood perfectly. It was stormy with loud cracks of thunder and rain pelting the outside. Even though it was now early afternoon, it was almost dark enough outside to make it feel like night. He hugged a pillow fiercely as he stared up at the rain battering the window over his bed. It was coming down so quickly he was surprised it didn't collapse, sending a flood of cold water over his body. He was certain that he wouldn't even bother to move if it happened.
"What's wrong? Are you sick?"
Derek had been so deep in his own thoughts that he hadn't even noticed Addison drive up or enter his trailer. His door wasn't locked, and he figured she had just let herself in. Maybe she had even knocked. He wasn't sure.
"I'm fine. What are you doing here?" Derek groaned as he rolled over onto his side, avoiding eye contact with his ex-wife. Even though they were no longer together, he doubted that her powers to read his expressions had diminished completely. And he really didn't want to talk to her or anyone else right now.
"No, Derek. You're clearly not fine. Do you have a fever?" She moved in closer, dropping her wet jacket and purse on the dining room table as she headed toward the bed, as if she was going to feel his forehead.
"I don't have a fever," he mumbled, burying his head further into the pillows. "I told you, I'm fine."
"'Fine' doesn't take the day off work unexpectedly. 'Fine' doesn't show up at the hospital to say he's too sick. 'Fine' calls in from home like any other reasonable person. Something happened to you today, didn't it? Are you upset about not getting chief?"
"No, that's not it," Derek sighed. In the tumult of the past 24 hours, he had almost forgotten that he had been offered the position and actually turned it down, a move that had even surprised himself. At the time, though, it had made sense. He knew that Richard wasn't really ready to leave yet, and Derek actually wanted to have more time to prove to him that he could balance being with Meredith and fulfilling his surgical duties. Now he seemed to be failing miserably at both. And he certainly couldn't tell Addi that he'd passed up the position, knowing how much she had made herself want it recently. "I'm just…exhausted."
"And you had to drive to the hospital to realize that?"
"I stayed there last night. I tried to sleep in my office."
"Oh," Addison replied softly. She had just assumed he spent the night at Meredith's house, but she supposed that made some sense, with Meredith needing to comfort Cristina and all.
"So, why are you here?" Derek demanded, finding his impatience building again.
"I came to say goodbye, Derek. I planned to do it at the hospital today, but I heard you went home, and I felt like I needed to do this in person…"
"What do you mean you're saying goodbye?" Derek sat up and looked at her, enabling Addison to see his face straight on now. His eyes were fiery, bloodshot, and she thought he might have been crying earlier. He looked…broken. As bad as she remembered from the day Meredith had nearly died, and her heart ached to see him that way.
"I've been unhappy in Seattle since…really since I got here. My life isn't here, Derek, not anymore." She looked away from him, trying to regain her composure. Even though she knew their divorce was the right decision for both of them, she still winced at the memory of all of the pain and hurt they had lobbed at one another during those months. She swallowed slowly before starting up again. "I have been offered a job at Naomi and Sam's practice in L.A., and I'm going to take it. I gave Richard my letter of resignation today. I'm ready for a fresh start."
"Wow," Derek reacted half-heartedly. "I'm surprised. Really. Congratulations." He tried to sound as genuine as possible so he could mask the unexpected disappointment welling up inside him. While he no doubt hated the months after she arrived when they had tried to make the relationship work, he had come to peace with her since the divorce. Even though he never felt comfortable talking to her about his relationship with Meredith or anything like that, he knew she understood him, and he considered her a silent ally in the halls of the hospital. He would miss seeing her familiar face there every day.
"Yeah, well…it's a great opportunity for me. I'll get to be with Naomi and Sam and go back to a private practice again. I'm excited about it," Addison gushed a little, but her face grew more somber as she looked back at Derek. "But you…I know you and I know that you're not okay. And I know that you don't like to…talk, but I think you need to, Derek. You need to talk, and it's…it's okay if it's about Meredith."
Derek exhaled loudly, his mind going in a million different directions. She really did know him. But he couldn't just tell her about Meredith. There was something cruel to him about that still, and he couldn't bring himself to do that to her in what could possibly be their last face-to-face encounter. Still, he agreed that he needed to talk.
"I know that I was a bad husband, Addison. I was absent and I stopped caring when I should have cared the most. But…what…what were the signs that I gave you that I wasn't in it anymore? When did you know we were done?"
"Oh…Wow…Umm…Well…" Addison stammered, completely caught off guard. She couldn't imagine that her ex-husband was this bent up over the decline of their marriage. She was certain that wasn't the cause here, but something told her that he needed this – that they both needed a conversation like this – to give themselves more closure. "It started out small. Small things really. Things that I noticed. You were working more…later…and that didn't seem to bother you like it might have earlier. I'd call you at night, at times when I knew you weren't in surgery or with patients, and you wouldn't answer your phone. You just let it ring until I went to voicemail."
Derek gulped, recalling the night a couple weeks ago when he had done that to Meredith. They had planned to get together at night, but he just needed some space to think about what he wanted - with her, with the chief position – and rather than telling her that, he just ignored her several attempts to call and the sweetly concerned messages she had left.
Derek looked at Addison and nodded solemnly. "You can go on, it's ok. I need to hear this."
"You seemed…distant…like you didn't care anymore. You weren't focused and you didn't react to things. I remember trying to pick fights with you, and you just wouldn't respond. I even flirted a little with Mark in front of you, and you didn't even flinch. You just stood there and took it like…like you were a shell of yourself, and I was never sure why."
"I'm not entirely sure why either," Derek admitted. "I know I was unhappy with where our life was going and how things were turning out, but I couldn't figure out what needed to change. That wasn't fair to you, and I'm sorry, Addison." He looked up at her with sad eyes. She was now certain that he had been crying before she had arrived.
"Derek, I don't need you to apologize. We were both at fault." She paused, letting out a deep sigh. "But I really do hope you find whatever makes you happy here, Derek, with Seattle…with Meredith…"
That word again. Meredith.
Derek slumped back into the bed as if the trailer were closing in around him. His mind started to replay the conversation from the morning, and he felt his body tense up again. He clutched a pillow to his chest like it was a security blanket, somehow shielding him from the firestorm heading in his direction.
"Meredith and I broke up, Addison," Derek whispered. God, he hoped he wouldn't cry in front of her. He didn't want to be that pathetic.
"Today?" she asked, disbelieving.
"Yesterday…I think…"
"You think?"
"I think she broke up with me yesterday at the church, when she said it was over, but if that wasn't it, then she definitely broke up with me this morning." Derek's voice quivered with hurt.
"Why?" Addison asked.
"I…I'm not sure…not exactly…things have been tense for a while, and I guess she's just not as into this as I am. She doesn't want to be with me anymore."
"Derek," Addison soothed, reaching out a hand and placing it gently on his arm. She wondered if he had felt this badly in the aftermath of finding her with Mark. If she had broken him the same way that Dr. Grey apparently had, but she was scared to find out the answer. She suspected she knew that he felt worse about this.
He looked at her as he warmed to her touch. His eyes were desperate. Sad.
"That night at the hospital, the night of the ferry accident, I saw how you watched over Meredith's bed while she slept. I know that you love her more than you ever loved me."
Derek groaned, regretting he had let himself get into a conversation with his ex-wife about the woman he had left her for.
"No, wait. I'm not done. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or anything…It's just…when our marriage started to fall apart, you didn't fight it. You just accepted it. And then later, when we decided to try again, you tried to fight for us even though I know you didn't love me the way you love Meredith now. I think you actually tried for a while. So what I'm wondering is…what I'm confused about is…well, I get why we couldn't work, but why the hell aren't you fighting for Meredith? You love each other and you won't fight."
"I'm tired, Addison."
"You're weak, Derek." She was angry now, a year's worth of rage that she didn't even realize she had was bubbling to the surface.
"What did you just say?" Derek sat up again, suddenly finding the energy to be angry back.
"I said that you are weak. You run around trying to find the things that will make you happy, and then when you find yourself with a choice to make, you chicken out and take the easy road. You never confronted Mark. You never told Meredith about me. You tried to repair our marriage rather than ending it…"
"And you think that was easy?"
"No. But it was expected and you knew what you were getting back into with me. You don't like making the tough choices even when you know what will make you happy. You worry about everyone else and how they'll react before you think of yourself." Her voice softened again. "And here you're giving up on your happiness, on your future with Meredith, because you think it's easier than fighting for her."
Derek felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He retreated, knowing she was right. All the times that he had fought with Meredith these last few months, he had given up, not wanting to hurt her, even though he didn't agree with what was happening or where they were heading.
"Derek…" she whispered, scared she may have gone too far and said more than he was ready to hear.
"You're…right…" he admitted, quietly, more mouthing the words than saying them.
She smiled back at him sympathetically.
"So what are you going to do now?" she asked.
"I … don't know. I just need some time to think and figure this all out, I guess…" he responded honestly. He didn't quite know yet what to do about Meredith. What his options were or how he could get her back. And he knew that he genuinely was too tired to fight anymore today. He still hadn't slept really, and the weight of his eyelids was causing him more and more of a headache as he strained to keep them open.
"I understand, Derek. Just don't take too long." Addison stood up from the bed, knowing there wasn't really anything left to say. She wanted to stay to make sure that he was going to be alright, but she knew that it wasn't a good idea. She needed to go back to the hotel and finish packing her things, and this visit had already been longer and more emotionally draining than she had expected. "I really should get going. I have lots to do today before I leave, but Derek…" she hesitated, suddenly less casual. "I really do want you to be happy. If you ever need anything you can call me. I mean that."
Derek sighed sadly. "Thanks, Addison. Things will work out, don't worry. Good luck in L.A." Although he wasn't so confident that things would work out, he knew he'd never call Addison, not after all this.
She nodded, reading the thoughts going through his head as if he had said them aloud. "Take care of yourself, Derek." The words were heartfelt and tortured coming out of her mouth as she realized this might be their final exchange.
"Goodbye, Addison."
She quietly put her coat back on and headed out the door. He could hear her running quickly through the mud to get back to her car amidst the ongoing rain. The car door slammed and the engine roared. He knew then that Addison Montgomery was finally out of his life forever, and it made him a little sad.