Disclaimer: Lihau does not own the Titans, however I am a member of the team and am therefore part owner. Well, except for the comics and TV shows and movies and merchandise and stuff. I sold the rights to DC Comics and a few other companies for a nice hunk of change. ...Just don't tell Robin. He doesn't know yet...
The Uninspired Tale of the Titans
The Bird Defeathered
By Speedy
All was silent on the Western front. Or at least in Speedy's quarters at Titans' Tower. As usual, he was thinking, ingenious soul that he is. This time he was thinking about life. To be specific, the particularly unfair aspects of life were rolling across his expansive brain.
Still thinking brilliant thoughts, the archer stood and exited his room, which was far too small for the true leader of the Titans.
Yes, folks, you heard it here first. Speedy was the real boss of the phenomenal group of young heroes known as the Teen Titans. Although Robin is known as and seems to act like this organization's leader, Speedy was the one with the real power. Robin was nothing more than a puppet ruler. I suppose that that would make Speedy something of a tyrannous jerk, but his stupendous characteristics far outweigh his slightly quirky ones, so we can all forgive him.
At least we'd better if we don't want a boxing-glove-arrow in the gut.
Now where were we… ah, yes. Speedy, the true leader of the Titans, was walking to the training room to work out. And something else, too.
Speedy entered the training room, closing the door behind him. A voice from near one of the punching bags called his name and the archer approached the walking traffic light.
"Hi," said Robin. "What am I supposed to say at the meeting?" he asked, wanting instruction, which he received a moment later.
"Okay," nodded the brightly-clad second half of the Bat. "When should I call the meeting to order?"
"Gimme five minutes," decided Speedy. He patted the shorty puppet on the shoulder. "Go look busy until it's time for the meeting."
"Sure." And the bird left the archer to his training.
"I heard that."
Speedy turned around quickly and realized that the Amazon princess was standing in the doorway.
"Heard what?" he wondered, feigning innocence. Which he did well since he was an awesome actor. Hey, he didn't call California his home for nothing.
"What was that all about?" Wonder Girl continued, walking further into the room. "What were you and Robin doing?"
"What'd it look like, Wonder Babe? We were talking."
I was going to insert another scene here, which involved Speedy and Wonder Girl making out, however I changed my mind. Mainly because Wonder Girl is peeking over my shoulder as I type this and said that, if I didn't delete several lines, she would beat my brains out through my toes. I don't think she really could or would do that, but my life is too valuable a thing to play around with.
So I will just say that Robin called the meeting to order a couple of minutes later, and the archer and the Amazon went to the meeting room. And everyone kept their brains as far away from their toes as was normal.
The meeting went precisely as planned, no thanks to the terrible incompetence that was the puppet ruler. But nobody suspected that Speedy was the real leader of the team, so everything was okay.
There weren't any emergency calls after the meeting, so Speedy decided to kill some time by picking on the wimpy Atlantean.
Once again, I was going to insert a scene here, but I once again changed my mind. This time it was because Aqualad chanced a peek at this document and was giving the oh-so-innocent author just about the dirtiest look possible. I started to type the scene, but I ended up deleting it because the Fish Stick made me.
Actually, I think he might have punched me in the arm, too, when I called him something that I guess could kinda-sorta-maybe be called rude. But it's hard to tell because my arm is too numb to feel anything.
This is getting really frustrating. I mean, come on! These people won't let me type ANYTHING. It's just a creative writing assignment, for Pete's sake!
Oh, look. Here comes Kid Flash. Probably gonna read this, too. Well, here's a special message for him:
BUZZ OFF.
I think he looked a little offended for some reason, but he poked his tongue out at me and left.
Finally. Alone.
…Except for Robin.
Agh! I'm going to my quarters to finish this!
-
So now I'm in my quarters, where I can't be disturbed by anybody.
Unfortunately, I was getting inspiration by typing in the meeting room. So now I don't have anything else to write for this stupid assignment. Maybe I'll watch TV for a while…
-
That TV thing was a great idea! They were airing this ancient sitcom called Gilligan's Island, and the episode included stuff about—yup!—puppet rulers! It was in a dream sequence, and that's a great idea for this story!
A dream sequence!
Nobody can pick on me for writing about dreams! You can't control dreams—they just happen! So, on with the dream sequence!
-
Speedy suddenly felt very tired after spending almost half an hour heckling Fish Boy. He would've continued heckling, but AquaWimp decided to go for a swim, and it's really hard to heckle people underwater.
So the archer lay down on the couch of the rec room, opting to take a nap. This is where the unstoppable dream sequence takes place!
-
Speedy looked around, wondering where he was.
"You're anywhere you wanna be," Robin answered his unasked question.
The archer stared weirdly at the bat-breathed bird. Was Robin swinging past him on a set of strings? Huh. The bird looked like the marionette he was.
"Hey, I'm not a marionette. I'm a puppet."
Stop answering me! I'm not even saying anything!
"Well, there's no need to be rude," commented Robin, muttering as he swung away.
"I gotta be dreaming," Speedy mumbled, smacking himself on the side of the head.
"You are," a girl's voice informed him. Wonder Girl suddenly swung into view in the same way that Robin had.
"Hey, you aren't a puppet! Robin is!"
"This is a dream, dude. Anything can happen."
And so it could. I mean, since when did Wonder Girl call Speedy "dude"?
"Since now. Besides, it's better than calling you a dud, right?"
Speedy nodded confusedly and watched as Wonder Girl swung off. He then looked on as Aqualad, also supported by strings, swung up to him.
"Why's everybody besides me like a puppet?" Speedy asked.
"What do you mean, 'besides you'?" the Atlantean demanded in an uncharacteristically rude voice. "Look." Gill Head took out a mirror from nowhere and held it up in front of the archer.
"I'm a puppet, too?!"
"Well, duh." Aqualad put the mirror back into the nothingness from which it came, and then turned around, swinging away on his strings.
Speedy repeated to himself, "I'm a puppet. …I'M A PUPPET! I'm too… too… ME to be a puppet!"
"Look on the bright side," Kid Flash suggested as he swung forward. "Now you're a puppet ruler, too!" And the annoying speedster swung away quickly.
"I don't want to be a puppet ruler! No! I don't want to be a puppet ruler! No…"
-
"I don't wanna be a puppet ruler…"
"You're not," Robin's voice interrupted Speedy's dream—that is, nightmare.
Speedy sat bolt upright. "Huh? What?"
"I'm a puppet ruler. But I don't want to be anymore."
"Hey, are you mutinying?"
"No. I'm resigning. You're the real leader, Speedy. I'm quitting the Titans."
I think this nightmare just turned into a dream come true!
"Alright! Go pack, Bird Boy! You gonna tell everyone?"
Robin hesitated. "I guess I have to."
"Awright!"
And so Robin confessed that he was really just a puppet ruler and was totally humiliated for the rest of his life. The other Titans unanimously voted Speedy to be their new leader, and the archer lived happily ever after, laughing in Green Arrow's face how the sidekick was the leader of a group while the mentor was not.
The End
(And you'd better review.)