A/N: I hope you enjoy this chapter. I recently saw John Mayer in concert and I love him about as much as I love Derek. If you haven't heard the song referenced in this chapter, you should definitely check it out. It screams MerDer. And please review! I've really been struggling with writing these chapters lately and need some feedback. Thanks!
"This next song is called Slow Dancing in a Burning Room," John Mayer announced before allowing his acoustic guitar to whine and purr into the night. It was the second song of his encore, and the crowd continued to scream for more. Particularly Meredith, who knew that the end of the concert meant the beginning of a conversation she had been putting off for weeks.
Derek was amazing all night. They had watched the sun set romantically over the amphitheater, painting the sky with a gradual assortment of oranges and pinks before settling into indigoes and violets, and he had wrapped his arms around her to blanket her with his warmth. During slow songs, he nuzzled her neck gently, swaying with her every movement to the music, and he seemed genuinely excited to be there even if the music didn't necessarily make his regular iPod playlist. Every drum beat from the band pounded into her brain the idea that he was "the one," and as much as she felt ready to embrace that idea, she wished she could distance herself a little bit to gain some perspective. Was this really how she felt? Or was it just the McDreaminess of the best not-date she had ever been on?
She couldn't think about it anymore. It was making her head hurt, and she wanted to savor these final moments of the concert since she had no idea what the following hours would bring.
It's not a silly little moment…
It's not the storm before the calm…
This is the deep and dying breath of…
This love that we've been workin' on…
Derek's arms wrapped themselves ever more tightly around Meredith, practically squeezing the air out of her in a hug from behind.
Can't seem to hold you like I want to…
So I can feel you in my arms…
Nobody's gonna come and save you…
We pulled too many false alarms…
We're goin' down…
And you can see it too…
We're goin' down…
And you know that we're doomed…
Meredith's whole body tensed as she slowly digested the lyrics to the song. Her proximity to the stage made her feel like the song was being sung directly to her, and she started to feel herself suffocating under the weight of Derek's embrace.
"I love you…" Derek whispered directly into her ear, seeming to read her mind. His breath was moist and heavy – a striking contrast to the chilly Washington night air that surrounded them.
Meredith simply nodded, unable to find any other response amidst the swell of emotion she felt stirring from the song.
Derek winced a little, detecting how much Meredith's body language was shifting away from the flirty, affectionate girl she had been only moments before. Was their relationship really so fragile that a single song could unravel them?
The doubts that Derek had expressed to Mark nights before started to resurface in an ugly way that made him feel conflicted by guilt and anger. What once laid dormant now bubbled steadily into something volatile. Derek worried that the longer he went without talking to Meredith, the more likely he was to erupt.
"This isn't our song, Meredith. I can tell exactly what you're thinking, and this song isn't about us," Derek asserted. Any self-doubt that he felt was masked by the force of his voice.
Meredith broke free from Derek's arms and positioned her body next to him so she could see his face. His jaw was clenched slightly and his eyes were wild.
"I don't know, Derek…What is our song? What if we are doomed and we're just kidding ourselves?" Meredith replied, feeling a bit more frantic herself.
I'll make the most of all this sadness…
"You can't actually believe that, Meredith," Derek sighed, exasperated. "Why won't you give us a chance?"
You'll be a bitch because you can…
You try to hit me just to hurt me…
"Because eventually you'll realize that I…I can't get this right…I try and try, Derek, and you just won't let me!" Meredith sobbed, no longer having any control over the words exiting her mouth.
So you leave me feeling dirty…
Derek flinched, feeling unsettled by her tirade.
"What do I need to do to prove to you that I'm in this, Mere? Is there anything I can even do? Or have you just given up completely?"
Because you can't understand…
Meredith slouched down into her seat and sobbed into her hands while Derek loomed over her waiting for some sort of response. His whole posture was rigid and his arms were crossed defensively over his chest, hugging himself rather than hugging her. He felt disgusted by the entire situation and was starting to regret even having made the effort to restore their relationship. Maybe it truly was futile.
The two endured the remaining songs in what little silence was possible in a crowd of that size attending a rock concert. Meredith tried to will the amphitheater to swallow her up or for a teleportation device to magically transport her back to the home that now seemed light years away. Derek refused to even look at her, instead finding comfort in the intense concentration of the musicians on stage as they expertly played their instruments.
Even when the cheers following the final song dissipated and the artificial lights illuminated routes to the exits, Meredith and Derek remained transfixed like statues, dreading the drive ahead of them. The mass of people in their row made their way around them, far too drunk or anxious to beat the rush of vehicles in the parking lot to notice the spectacle of a couple that had moved from deeply entangled to completely estranged in the span of minutes.
When the crowd had finally dispersed so that only a few people – cleaning crews, mostly – lingered in the entire seating area, Meredith finally looked up at Derek.
"You're the reason I didn't give up, and I don't know what you want from me. I've tried, Derek, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do…"
Derek let his eyes settle on the puffy redness of Meredith's tear soaked face.
"How can you say that you didn't give up?" he asked, trembling slightly from the adrenaline racing through his veins. "Repeatedly, Meredith. Not once or twice, but repeatedly you have given up and left me to handle the wreckage…after the wedding, after Susan died, after your mother died, after you…" died.
He didn't need to say the final word of his sentence. She knew exactly where his thoughts were leading.
"Don't do this…Derek, please…" Meredith sobbed, desperate to avoid the confrontation.
"What? Are you giving up on this conversation, too? Don't you think I'm a little bit entitled to something from you?"
Derek's eyes were fiery with his fury, and the look he gave Meredith sent chills down her spine. It was a look she suspected had been reserved for Addison and Mark until this moment, but something told Meredith that this was so much worse, and that terrified her.
Meredith thought for a few seconds, realizing that this would be the epic moment when everything would be forced out of her one way or another. If Derek wanted to have this confrontation, then fine – she would have it.
She took a deep breath, collecting herself, and then began quietly at first before building up to an intensity that surpassed Derek's.
"You…don't…get to accuse me of giving up like it's something that I've done to you. I'm sorry that you had to spend a few hours of your life thinking that you might have to live your life without me, Derek. I really am. But I had months of that. Months. When you chose Addison, I felt like the you that I knew had died, and all I could do was wait." Meredith's nostrils flared with anger, and her tiny, ineffectual fists were balled up beside her.
"Don't you dare analogize my marriage to your drowning!" Derek bellowed. "Those situations are absolutely nothing alike."
"Are you serious? If Addison had never set foot in my life – in our life together – then all of my fears and commitment issues would have faded away long ago. I thought you were different. You were the first man that I thought I could spend the rest of my life with and you lied to me. You lied and then you left me to pick up all the pieces of my life that you shattered. So don't act so surprised when I'm scared to think you're the love of my life because I'm worried I'll be blindsided again."
Meredith's whole body trembled with emotion. Up until now, she hadn't truly realized how raw her wounds still were from their first break-up.
Derek hadn't realized it either. He thought that he had miraculously managed to restore their relationship – that all of Meredith's commitment fears were a manifestation of her daddy problems. But now he was becoming painfully aware that he may have played a bigger role than even Thatcher in breaking Meredith Grey.
"Meredith…" Derek started, uncharacteristically unsure of himself. "I've never denied that trying to make things work with Addison was a mistake. We were living on life support with no real chance of recovery. I know that now. But when I chose to divorce Addison, it wasn't just a decision to let her go. I was deciding that I wanted to spend my life with you."
"But you didn't decide that. You shut me out of your life for a while before you let me back in so you could mourn the loss of your marriage or something. So I waited. I waited like I always do until you're ready for me. I tried to make us work. I tried to fix all of those problems that needed to be fixed. But then you tell me you're not sure you want to breathe for me anymore. Like I'm too damaged for you…" Meredith grimaced at the memory of Derek lying in bed, admitting his feelings to her.
I don't know if I can…I don't know if I want to keep trying to breathe for you.
It was one of the few times she had pushed him to open up to her, and it had completely backfired.
"That's not what I meant, Mere…" Derek interjected.
Meredith continued without giving Derek a chance to complete his thoughts.
"I have been breathing on my own… handling Susan's death… and Thatcher… and exams… and Cristina's wedding without burdening you. And when I was actually breathing on my own, you felt left out. You constantly tell me how much I need to figure things out, but you're the one who can't seem to make up your mind. You're the one who ignores my calls and tells me you met a girl and shuts me out when something is really bothering you. In fact, you've never once talked to me directly about my accident even. You just pretend it doesn't bother you when I know that it does. So now you're the one who can't decide whether or not you trust me or whether or not I'm worth it to you. You act like this mess is all my fault, Derek, but you've made it, too. I may be giving up, but only because I'm sick of your double standards!"
Meredith grabbed her purse and the tee shirt she had purchased for Izzie earlier in the evening and started storming toward the exit. She wasn't certain if Derek would follow immediately, but she needed to move…to flee…to be somewhere and take a break…and she knew that she didn't want to be there to witness Derek's reaction once he internalized her response.
She would go back to his car and wait. He'd have some time to cool off a little before eventually meeting her there, and she'd have a little space to catch her breath.
She picked up her pace a little at finally knowing what her destination would be.
Derek stood stunned.
Really. Truly. Stunned.
Had she honestly thought that he hadn't wanted to be involved with her problems? Is that the reason she started shutting him out – because he said he didn't know if he wanted to keep breathing for her?
His heart began racing, syncing double time with Meredith's footsteps speeding away from him. He couldn't let her run away thinking that. He needed to go after her and clear this up.
"Meredith, wait!" he insisted, taking the steps of the amphitheater two at a time to try to catch up.
She continued racing ahead without turning back.
"Meredith, please. Let me talk to you…please…" he begged, his voice straining a little from his exertion in trying to catch her.
Eventually he managed to grab her arm and spin her around like a top, forcing her to look at him.
"Meredith, I…You…It's just that..." he sighed, collecting his thoughts. "I want a second chance with you. I never meant to shut you out because I hate when you do that to me. You are the queen of pretending that you're fine, and I can't stand when you won't let me breathe with you. I want to be the one that rescues you when you feel like the water is too deep or too cold for you to handle on your own, but you have to let me be there with you rather than struggling entirely on your own. I know that's hard for you because you've never had anyone before, but you can trust me, Mere, because I'm in this now. I couldn't possibly be any more in this. And I won't leave unless you make me."
Meredith's eyes were wide and teary as she studied him. She fidgeted with the tee shirt in her hand, worrying it through her fingers.
"Mere, do you want me to leave?" Derek asked, scared of what she would say in response. "Is that what you want? Just say it…something…say something…"
"You won't leave me?" she finally whispered.
"Oh, Mere…I will never leave. I promise. Everything I want for the rest of my life centers around sharing your atmosphere." Derek sighed, his own eyes feeling a little watery with exhaustion and relief that they were finally making progress.
"Are you sure I'm what you want? Because I don't think I can handle losing you again, and if you're not sure, please, please just end this now. Don't make me be like Cris…" Meredith's voice cut out as she recalled the encounter between Cristina and Burke only days earlier.
Derek shook his head in amazement.
"You are not Cristina, and I am not Preston Burke. When I ask you to marry me, I will follow through on every single promise I make to you. I promise I will never leave you again," Derek insisted.
"When you ask me to marry you? Don't you mean if?" Meredith asked cautiously.
Derek paused for a moment. He hadn't even realized that he said when, although he knew that he meant it.
He decided he would be completely honest with Meredith, even if it ran the risk of scaring her.
"No. I meant what I said. As long as you're willing to work through our relationship, then I will ask you to marry me at some point. So you should do whatever you need to do to prepare yourself for that because I don't handle rejection well either," Derek said confidently.
Meredith blushed a little with nervous excitement. Maybe Derek really was her knight-in-shining-whatever.
Still, his perfect comments were not something she could coherently respond to. They didn't fully register with her limited understanding of grownup relationships. But even then, she thought this was something big. Giant even. And important to both of them.
"I…you said…and I…wow…" Meredith felt particularly flustered by the moment, leaving her rambling unusually incoherent.
Derek gently lifted a finger to Meredith's lips, stopping their prattle.
"I only want to be with you and to make you happy. Whatever issues you face…I'm here. I want to be included in everything you're feeling."
"Okay," Meredith agreed, a relieved smile spreading across her face. "Right now I'm feeling like I could really go for a kiss from you and the leftover pizza in the car. I'm starving."
Derek laughed in amusement.
"I think I can accommodate both requests," he replied, leaning in to kiss her fully on the lips. Relief washed over him in tsunami-like waves as he realized that they were finally back together, and unlike the previous stage of their relationship, there didn't seem to be anything temporary about it.