Meredith's pager had worked overtime throughout the night, conveniently interrupting her within fifteen minutes of lying next to Derek not once or twice, but three separate times. Every time she settled in next to him, synchronizing her breath with his as she drifted steadily towards sleep, something would come up to keep them apart. Eventually Meredith resigned herself to give up on sleep altogether. Sometimes that was just how it went on long shifts, and in those circumstances, the coffee vendor in the atrium became her best friend. Toward everyone else, she was cranky. Toward the coffee vendor, she was as sweet as a white chocolate mochacino covered in whipped cream and sprinkles.
Derek was busy all morning performing a craniotomy. He had offered to let Meredith scrub in with him, but retracted once he saw the dark circles of a sleepless night rimming her eyes. He urged her to get some sleep, but she was already too hyped on caffeine at that point to even consider it. And once the caffeine infusion started, she hated to stop. Withdrawal typically hit her hard, and without the guarantee of lasting sleep, she wasn't about to give up her mocha latte.
She settled into a seat in the empty gallery and sipped the scalding beverage carefully. If she couldn't scrub in, she'd at least watch.
Derek was already well into the procedure, but he noticed her presence immediately and looked up to wink at her.
Meredith smiled back lazily and waved. She stretched her legs out in front of her and rested her tennis shoes against the glass, trying to push the tired tension out of her body. She closed her eyes to rest briefly and daydreamed about going back to Derek's trailer for some high quality, uninterrupted sleep. She didn't care if anything else would be included in the deal. All she wanted was a pillow and a mattress and a blanket. And maybe Derek…Derek could be there, too…But no pagers allowed…
She opened her eyes and looked down at her watch. She had been dozing for almost an hour, and the surgery was virtually done. She shook her head, a little disoriented. The sleep had done nothing but make her more tired, and now exhaustion weighed on her like a boulder pressing upon her shoulders.
She stood and took another sip of her now cold coffee. The once energizing caffeine source had disintegrated into a mess of mismatched flavors, and she wrinkled her nose at it, cursing herself for not finishing it while it was hot. She'd have to go back and see if Roger, her coffee cart companion, could make her another. She tossed it into a garbage can by the door and walked into the hallway.
"Dr. Grey!" Richard Webber called from the surgical board where he stood studying the day's surgeries.
Meredith walked towards him, uncertain why she was being summoned.
"Good morning, chief. Busy board?" she asked guardedly.
"Not bad. I see Derek has two craniotomies scheduled today. I'm surprised you're not scrubbing in," Richard commented.
"Long night on call. I'll probably scrub in later today," Meredith admitted, suddenly feeling like a slacker for not being in the OR. Crap, I should have scrubbed in. I let him manage me and take advantage of my sleep deprived state and now the chief thinks I'm not doing enough. Great. Awesome. Thanks Derek…
"Well, I'm glad you're not one of those over-eager residents that thinks there's no limit to what they can do and then makes careless mistakes because they're sleep deprived. It's important to pace yourself, Meredith," Richard advised supportively.
Maybe my boyfriend rocks after all. "Yeah, that was my thinking, too. I want to be as fresh as possible during surgery," Meredith lied.
"So what is Derek thinking about the job offer? I'm assuming you two have talked about it," Richard asked nervously. He assumed the answer was yes. How could it not be? He constantly saw Meredith and Derek talking in the hospital, even when he didn't want to. Surely Meredith knew, and Derek was just waiting to confirm.
"Um…He told me a little about it, sure," Meredith said, somewhat confused. Why was the chief asking her about this? Should she feel guilty that Derek turned down the chief job for her?
"Well, if you see him, tell him I'm still waiting for his answer," Richard instructed casually.
Meredith looked at him, no longer able to hide her confusion. He said he turned it down already. That he wasn't ready. What is the chief talking about? "I'll make sure he gets back to you today," Meredith stammered. "I think he's finished with his morning surgery, so I'll go remind him right now," she rambled, turning quickly to head to OR-1.
"Okay, thanks," Richard called after her. But Meredith was already gone before he had a chance to pronounce his final syllable.
Meredith's feet cycled down the stairs quickly as she practically ran towards the prep room. Derek was already scrubbing out, and he seemed pleased to see her stumble into the room with him.
"A little late to scrub in on this one, Dr. Grey," he announced, winking at her. Some of the interns nearby snickered a little at his bold flirtation.
"What haven't you told me?" Meredith demanded. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail that looked particularly disheveled at this moment.
"Um…" he mumbled, scanning his eyes from left to right and trying to decide what she was asking about. Eventually he gave up. "I like Muppets?"
"What?" Meredith snapped impatiently.
"It's true. I've always had a thing for how bossy Miss Piggy is, and the whole interspecies love affair she had with Kermit wasn't a big deal to me because they loved each other," he said grinning. He loved taking advantage of openings like this – and Meredith created them often amidst her ramblings.
"Derek Shepherd, I am clearly not asking you about pig-frog love," Meredith fumed.
"Okay, Mere," he giggled while drying his hands. "What are you asking me about?" He moved to put his arm around her and guide her into the hall where they would have less of an audience.
"The chief. The chief wants your answer," she demanded, shifting her weight back and forth impatiently. "Your answer on what, Derek?"
"Oh, that," Derek smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I was going to tell you yesterday, but I never found a good opportunity," he admitted, slightly embarrassed.
"So tell me now. What's going on?"
"The chief has offered me a job as co-chief. We'd be splitting responsibilities for the year so I wouldn't have to commit to everything right away, but it will help get me ready to take over and will relieve him a bit to spend more time with Adele," Derek explained.
"Derek, that's great!" Meredith gushed. She threw her arms around him to give him a tight embrace, but withdrew suddenly. "So why is he waiting on an answer? Why didn't you immediately say yes?"
"Because I wanted to talk it over with you," he admitted. "I don't want to make any big decisions without at least discussing them with you first."
"Really?" Meredith murmured softly. She was surprised by his explanation.
"Yeah, Mere. That's what couples do. I think you called it…what's the word…communication?" he teased.
"Right. We're communicating," she agreed. A huge smile crept across her face.
"So you're okay with it?" Derek asked, seeking final confirmation.
"Of course," she replied quickly.
"Good. I'm excited about this, Mere. Excited for us," Derek admitted. His eyes were sparkling with enthusiasm.
"Me too," Meredith whispered, leaning in to hug him once more.
He hugged back tightly, not caring who might walk by to see them. Her legs lifted off the ground a little, and he kissed her forehead lightly before setting her back on her feet.
"I'm going to go tell the chief, and just so you know, I'm going to make it a condition of my acceptance that we get similar schedules – at least have the same days off," Derek confided.
"Do you think that's a good idea?" Meredith asked, concerned.
"Of course. He won't say no, and it's not like you'd end up working less. No special treatment, I promise," he assured.
"Okay, then," Meredith smiled. The caffeine was almost unnecessary. She was positively giddy. "Good luck!" she called after him as he walked away.
"Thanks," he hollered back.
Meredith continued floating along the hall in the direction of the atrium. She wasn't sure if she needed more coffee, but on the off chance her excitement was just a caffeine high, she didn't want to be let down.
Roger was especially friendly when Meredith made her fifth stop of the morning at his coffee cart. He teased her about needing to buy stock in the company, and he threw in a complimentary muffin – a gesture of goodwill, he explained, as he tried to prevent all of the coffee from burning a hole through her empty stomach. Meredith accepted graciously and looked down at her watch before carrying her loot away from the cart.
Damn it, I'm going to be late for my shrink, she thought, and she quickly thanked Roger before heading toward the elevator.
The elevator was crowded and managed to stop at every floor between the first and the sixth. Meredith practically inhaled the blueberry muffin on the way and rinsed it down quickly with her most recent mocha latte grande. A little of each dribbled onto her scrubs, but she didn't notice. She was in too much of a hurry.
"I have an eleven o'clock with Dr. Evans," Meredith announced as she reached the reception desk on the sixth floor. By all visible clocks, she was ten minutes late.
"She's waiting for you. Go on in," the elderly woman working the desk responded. Her face was pinched into a disapproving frown that emphasized the creases on her face and made it clear that this receptionist was never late for appointments of her own.
Meredith smiled politely before heading back towards the immaculate office down the hall. She knocked timidly before entering.
I'm fine. I don't even need to be here. Everything is great. Totally cured. This will be my last appointment. Thanks for all of your help!
"Meredith! I'm glad you were able to make it! I know how unpredictable your schedule can be sometimes…Please, come in and have a seat," Dr. Evans welcomed while standing up and walking towards the door. She closed it quietly behind Meredith and watched as Meredith sank into the couch, still clutching her coffee cup.
Meredith took a sip nervously and waited for Dr. Evans to sit as well.
Dr. Evans smiled supportively at Meredith and pulled out her steno pad before sitting back down in the leather chair across from her patient.
"So, tell me about your week. Did you talk to Derek?" she asked, reviewing her notes.
"Yes, we talked," Meredith started. "We talked a lot actually and worked out a lot of things. We talked and had sex and both were great…really great…" Meredith stammered before looking back up at her audience. She blushed a little as she realized what she had just said. "But it was mostly talking. Really... Our relationship isn't just sex. My friends all think it's just sex, but it's not. Don't get me wrong, we like the sex part. I mean, I really like the sex. I've been with lots of guys, but none like Derek. Sex is important to both of us... But talking. Definitely talking comes first. We're getting better at that," she rambled.
Geez, Mere. Could you sound like a bigger slut? Do you even know what you're saying? Stupid, Mere. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stop thinking about his stupid boy penis and get this over with…
"Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship," Dr. Evans reassured Meredith, an amused look on her face. "There's no need to be embarrassed about that."
"Okay," Meredith mumbled.
"So you're satisfied with how things are going between you and Derek?" Dr. Evans continued.
"Sexually?"
"Um, well, I think you've already covered that," Dr. Evans responded as professionally as possible.
"Oh yeah, right. Yeah, things are good right now. Great, in fact. Perfect. Well, almost," Meredith continued.
"What's not quite perfect?" the psychologist asked, taking advantage of the opening.
"Well, my best friend, Cristina. She just broke up with her fiancé and she's staying at my place. In my room…with my things…and she's messy. I love her, but god, she's messy," Meredith sighed.
"Are you upset that she's messy?" Dr. Evans prompted. Her pen dangled loosely between her thumb and forefinger as she waited for some sort of response.
"A little. But mostly I'm just upset because I want my room back. Now I have to stay at Derek's trailer in the middle of nowhere when I want to spend the night with him."
"Have you explained that to Cristina?"
"I've tried, but she's not terribly supportive of my relationship with Derek. And I feel bad for her. She needs to be around people right now, and Izzie and Alex are there with her when I'm not…"
"Izzie and Alex?"
"Yeah, my other roommates," Meredith explained.
"So you and Derek are waiting for Cristina to move out," Dr. Evans repeated.
"Yeah, I guess so," Meredith confirmed awkwardly.
"And then you and Derek will live with your roommates mostly?" she continued.
"Pretty much."
Meredith started fidgeting with the lid to her coffee cup, tracing her finger around the edge to draw circles on the top. She hated being in therapy. It made her fidgety and rambly and stupid and vulnerable all at once. She felt like she was being interrogated, and she never managed to censor her responses before spitting them out, especially once she hit this level of exhaustion.
"How do you and Derek feel about having roommates?" Dr. Evans inquired.
"We hate it. They constantly walk in on us, and they don't give us a lot of privacy," Meredith admitted. She started to feel a little tense. She really did hate having roommates when Derek was there. "But, it's a big house and it would feel empty without them, I guess. And I'd hate to kick them out. Then I'd just be left with a big miserable house and all of my mom's stuff," Meredith rationalized.
"It sounds like you don't like the house very much," Dr. Evans remarked.
"I don't. It's the house I grew up in, and I didn't have a particularly happy childhood. I just have it because my mom left it to me and it's free and convenient."
"Do you want to talk more about your childhood?"
"Sure, I guess…" Meredith responded.
Meredith shared more details about her parents and their break up, allowing the conversation to progress toward the confrontation between Derek and Thatcher. The longer Meredith sat and talked, the more hostile she felt about her parents, and the more she appreciated having Derek stand up for her in the process. No one had ever really done that for her before. While it was an important first step, she decided that she was definitely not "cured." She still had much to discuss with Dr. Evans, and perhaps despite all of the incoherent rambling, this would be good for her.
Meredith agreed to come back the following week, but continued to replay the conversation in her head. Derek, Cristina, roommates, parents, Derek… There was a lot going on for her, and she was anxious to sort it all out. She wanted to get things right this time, and she knew that it was going to take some effort in several directions.