Chapter 5: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Pregnancy
"It hurts," whimpered Rachel, "it feels strange."
"Just keep moving," Joey offered. "We're here for you, the baby's gonna be okay, just fine…"
"Stay calm," Chandler interjected. A mauve amphibian with quadruple-jointed arms shambled past. "Just keep moving."
"And look at the floor, not at the crowds!" Joey added.
Rachel made noises.
They passed through a door, which wished Joey a good day. Joey, however, was too preoccupied with the current situation to be properly surprised. "Here's the main hall again, just up ahead," he observed.
"Doing okay there?" Chandler asked.
"Maybe," Rachel said, her voice shaky. She was still moving forward steadily, though, which was saying something.
An alien, coming along in a hurry from just behind the three of them, bumped into Joey's side. His composure already fraying, he yelled futilely at its retreating form. "Hey ugly! Fine way to treat a pregnant woman!"
"Eat me, strag-boy," replied the alien, speaking from its armpits.
"Did that thing just…? Oh…" Rachel looked as if she were about to be sick.
Joey firmed up his grip around her shoulder. "Hang in there, Rach."
She looked up at him, distressed. "I-Is the baby gonna be okay?"
"There's no problem. Everything will be fine. No danger." Which was a blatant lie, but he figured if she wanted sound medical advice, she wouldn't be asking an actor.
"Oh," she gasped, doubling over. Joey hesitated—but he knew what he had to do. With his free hand, he took hold of one of hers, and she held back. With a death grip. At least I don't have to feel bad about enjoying this, 'cause I'm really not…
After what seemed like an eternity to them, they finally arrived at the hallway back to the portal-room. The two guys together helped support Rachel as she walked the home stretch.
The double doors were just ahead.
"Almost there," they reassured her. She gave a tired whine in reply.
If the length of the main corridor had seemed like an eternity, the last ten feet seemed like two or three of the damn things. The stress had subsided, but Rachel was clearly feeling fatigued and nervous. Her steps were drawn-out, shaky. But finally they passed through the doors ("Thank you for helping these doors to perform their function," Joey heard them say) and entered the storage room.
Which seemed a lot darker than before.
"Where's the portal?"
"The portal's gone! It was right here on the back wall!"
Joey searched frantically. "It's gotta be here somewhere! Maybe it was on the other wall. No—maybe it moved behind all the crates. No—maybe it…"
Rachel dropped to her knees before the wall, stunned. She stared blankly at the floor. Something in the dark caught her eye, and she picked it up unconsciously, turning it over in her hands.
"What's that, Rach?" Chandler took a closer look. "…It's the doorknob."
There was a long, profound silence.
"Great, just great. So the portal closed. So we're stuck in another dimension. We're stuck so far away from home that it defies measurement, with a pregnant woman and no human medical facilities anywhere nearby. Could this be any worse?"
"Fine mess you've gotten us into!" Joey exclaimed.
"I've gotten us into?"
"Yeah, you! Whose great idea was it to do some exploring, see what's on the other side? And with Rachel and the baby!"
"I had no way of knowing the portal was going to close! It's not like it occurred to you, either! You figured it came with the apartment!" Chandler jabbed his index finger at Joey.
"Yeah, well, you talked me into going with you guys! I was all set to just stay home, and everything would be fine!"
"So you'd prefer that just Rachel and me be stranded here?"
"I didn't say that! You think I wanted any of this? You think—"
"Guys, please don't fight," Rachel protested. "Please."
"Don't you start!" Joey added, gesticulating with impassioned concern. "You should have known better to go running off into God-knows-what with a baby on board! Think of your own safety, woman!"
"Y-You're right," Rachel said, sniffling. She made a noise like a hiccup. "I should have, have…listened…"
Joey stopped, as it hit him that he had just made her cry. "Oh, geez! I'm sorry, Rach! No, look, I didn't mean any of that!"
"Joey's right. I mean, what are we doing? Sure, the situation just got a hell of a lot worse, but backbiting's not going to help at all. We're just all under a lot of pressure, especially you." He looked at Rachel. "We all played a part in getting ourselves into this mess, but we're not going to get home by going on a guilt trip."
Rachel wiped her eyes. "Thanks. Both of you, thanks." She sniffled again. "So much."
Joey looked down at her and gestured to the doorknob. "Hey, I want you to have that. As a peace offering."
"Me too," said Chandler. "Since it's my wife's doorknob."
"You guys are the greatest." Setting the doorknob in her lap, Rachel took both of their hands. "I can't think of two guys I'd rather be stranded in space with."
Joey's insides threatened to liquefy.
Chandler patted her hand and let go. "Rachel, you should lie down and rest. You want to spread out those towels, Joey?" Joey let go of Rachel's other hand and made a headrest of one of the towels, spreading the other over the floor. "You feeling okay?"
"I…think it's over. I'll be okay…I'm just a little bit worn-out."
"Good. Now one of us will stay and watch her, in case it happens again, and the other should go out there and try to find help." He looked to Joey. "That would be you, since somehow you can understand them now."
"Yeah, some guy slapped me on the ear back in the hall, and I think he did some kind of Vulcan mind pinch or something."
"Which is convenient. Anyway, come back here as soon as you find someone with a clue about what's going on. Maybe then we can find out what's happened and how to get back home."
"We're counting on you, Uncle Joey," Rachel said, patting her stomach and smiling anxiously.
"I won't let you down." He struck a Superman pose and dashed out of the storeroom, shouting. "Joey Tribbiani to the rescue!"
"Looks like the stress has already made one of us crazy," Chandler remarked.