LIFE CHANGES
By Nettie
AN 1:Takes place early Season 10 but as with most of my ffs I make it up as I go…and DPB et al allow me to do it.
AN2: I wrote this nearly three years ago in one piece (no chapters). The events take place in one day/night and although it's just over 4000 words, there's really only one good place to break it. So I'll post it in two chapters (they're just a little long).
Part 2
Harm slowly sat down on the arm of a chair. "From the start, someone please," he said wearily.
General Cresswell began.
"Harm, I went with Bud to Mac's apartment and it was certainly in disarray." Harm instantly wondered why the General was being so informal and his anxiety increased, if it were possible. "There were clear signs of a struggle, upended furniture, things broken and on the floor was Clayton Webb. He was dead from a gunshot wound to the chest delivered at point blank range."
Harm looked up. "She shot him?"
"We found this," said Bud producing Mac's Dictaphone. "I think it tells its own story." He pressed play and sat back in his chair.
There was the clicking of the recording commencing:
SM: Here's another pen. (Her voice was anxious)
CW: Use it. (His voice was bitter)
SM: I told you, I'm not writing a suicide note.
CW: Well, I'll write it for you.
(There were rustling sounds)
SM: Ow! My hand. You're squeezing it too tight.
CW: We are going to write this letter and then you are going to die – at your own hand, no less.
SM: Clay, please don't do this. (She was becoming more distressed.)
CW: Too late for begging, Sarah. You've made it perfectly clear you don't want me and if I can't have you I'll be damned if anyone else will, especially your boyfriend – Rabb. (He was becoming angrier.)
SM: He's not my boyfriend.
CW: Sure. Who are you trying to convince? Start writing. "Dear Harm" or would you rather "Darling Harm".
SM: Neither.
CW: Write or I'll put a bullet through that pretty little hand of yours.
SM: This has nothing to do with Harm. Our breaking up was to do with you and me.
CW: I don't believe you Sarah. It's always about Harm. You two have been doing this dance of he loves me, he loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, for years. It's sickening. I thought when we got together it would just be you and me but no, it was Rabb as well.
SM: If it wasn't for Harm we'd both be dead, if not in Paraguay then by Tanveer. He saved both of us.
CW: Write you bitch. This is Harm's fault, tell him that. That his beautiful Sarah is going to kill herself because he's such a bastard.
SM: I'll never write that.
(Sounds of Mac being hit by Webb and a chair toppling over)
CW: Listen Sarah, you are going to die tonight and when your boyfriend gets home from his latest exploits he will be joining you. I'm sure I'll be able to make it look like he was so overcome by grief and remorse at your death he ended it all.
SM: Clay…holding… too…tight…can't…breathe.
CW: Get used to it. (Another slap) Finish the note Sarah.
SM: NO! Kill me if you are going to but there's no way I'll ever let Harm think this was his fault.
CW: Oh, Sarah, how sweet, loyal to the very end. I'm not surprised considering all you did for him in life. It must be love. Not everyone runs through a country like Russia for a work colleague, do they?
(Silence)
CW: Well, do they?
SM: What do you want Clay? (She was becoming resigned to her fate.)
CW: What do I want? I want you, just you.
SM: That's not going to happen.
CW: I know – you'll be dead. (Laughter) Now would your precious Flyboy believe you suicided by a bullet to the temple or one under your chin or swallowing your gun?
(Sounds indicated he was positioning the gun as he spoke.)
SM: Harm is not going to believe I committed suicide.
CW: Oh, I'm sure we can make him believe, for a few days anyway, until he dies too – you know.
SM: Clay put down the gun. Clay. (She was desperate.)
CW: No, this is how it ends for you Sarah MacKenzie. A suicide, how sad, but after the life you've had who could blame you. Abandoned by your mother at a young age, an alcoholic, abusive, estranged father, an alcoholic yourself, married young which was an abject failure, later charged for killing him, Chris was it. Then there was Dalton, he died too, didn't he. And poor Mic, gave up everything for you and you threw it all back in his face. You're an ungrateful bitch. It's just what you're doing to me now. All pretty sad cases really. Then there was Sadik, I know what really happened there – I bet you haven't even told your precious Harm the truth, have you? (Another slap.) Have you? Have I forgotten anything from your sad and pathetic life, Sarah? Have I? Oh, have I made you cry, Sarah? Have I made you realise your life is worthless? That you are a hopeless, miserable, useless waste of space? Have I made you realise suicide is for the best? (He was rambling.) Here, I'll hold the gun; I'll even let you pull the trigger.
SM: No, I'm not worthless. (She was crying.)
CW: Yes you are, hopeless, pathetic and useless. (He was using a sing song voice.)
SM: NO!
CW: No one to love, no one who loves you.
SM: That's not true.
CW: Yes it is and it's pathetic.
SM: No, I love Harm. Clayton. No. No. NO.
(Gunshot, end of tape)
Harm sat in stunned disbelief trying to absorb what he had just heard. Slowly he looked around the room and found he was not the only one with tears streaming down his face, even the General's eyes were glistening.
"Harm, she pulled the trigger but there's no case to answer. The tape is evidence enough. It's a clear cut self defence case. I'm so sorry," said Kershaw.
Harm was desperately trying to take it all in. Webb was going to kill Mac because of him, because he had feelings for her he wouldn't openly act upon, because she loved him. He felt physically ill, not for what happened but for what Webb had reduced her life too. He had used all her insecurities and failings to push her to the brink, maybe even over it. If she wasn't suicidal before, she could well be now. He shook his head trying clear his mind.
"How is she Doctor?" he finally asked.
"Severely traumatised, catatonic. Sarah has experienced an horrific event and while her body is functioning her mind has shut down."
"How long is this … can this last?"
"For some people it's years, some never truly get over it. For others it's hours or days. When they feel safe and secure they realise the event is over and that's it's okay to come back."
"And for Mac?"
"For Colonel MacKenzie, there is no way of telling at this early stage. There are some positives though."
"Positives - in this?"
"She removed herself from the event and came here, it was a conscious decision. She's been calling for you. I think once she's aware you are physically here with her we should see some improvement."
Harm stood to go but the doctor pulled his arm.
"Harm, remember she is extremely fragile. She needs lots of support and TLC, no questions."
Harm nodded and made his way to the bedroom. Harriet greeted him with a huge hug. "Is she asleep?" he asked quietly.
"No, she's awake, she's just not there." Harriet patted his arm and walked out and joined the others.
Harm moved to his bed and knelt beside it. He looked into her eyes and got the fright of his life, they were empty, his beloved Mac had gone. The big, beautiful brown eyes he loved so much, that twinkled when she smiled or sparkled and belied her true feelings when she pretended to be mad at him were vacant. His heart nearly stopped.
Slowly and tenderly he raised his hand to stroke her hair. She didn't object so he continued, whispering soothing words of comfort for hours. Finally, when his knees couldn't take it anymore, he stopped to stand up. As he went to take his hand away she reached up and took it.
"Harm?" she said so quietly he thought he may have imagined it.
"Mac? It's okay I'm here," he whispered into the darkness.
He lay beside her in the bed and put his arms around her.
"I'm here now. You're safe," he whispered to her and kissed her forehead. She didn't respond. He pulled her closer and could feel her heartbeat on his chest. At a loss for words to make the situation better he went with the honest truth.
"Mac, I love you too."
With that the walls began to crumble and Mac started to sob. Gut wrenching, heartbreaking sobs which wracked her body and could not be placated. Her crying grew louder and louder and with it those assembled in the living room were once again moved by her sad plight. They could hear the grief and turmoil in her wailing. They could feel her pain and despair and they felt helpless. And as Mac cried so did her friends.
It was well after dawn when Mac finally fell asleep exhausted, Harm confident she was asleep made his way out to the living room, well aware no one had left.
"Is she asleep?" Harriet asked sleepily.
"Yes, finally." Harm was numb.
"Anything you need, Commander?" asked Bud, ever helpful.
"No, not unless you can take back the last 24 hours," he said sadly.
"You know if I could …" Bud didn't need to finish, they all felt the same.
"Look Harm," the General said, getting to his feet. "It's Saturday, we don't need to be anywhere if you'd like us to stay. Are there are things we could organise or do for either of you?"
Harm shook his head first. "Oh, wait yeah. Mac's apartment, it will need to be cleaned up and I guess it's best for her to stay her for awhile at least so she'll need some things brought over."
"Her apartment has already been cleared, there's no trace," said Kershaw.
"Bud and I can pick up her things and bring them back later tonight," Harriet offered. Harm smiled weakly. "And we'll bring dinner too, so you don't worry about anything, alright." Harriet was trying to be brave but her heart was breaking. She couldn't understand how one man could be so cruel and destructive. She was so lucky to have Bud.
"Look, I just want to say thank you all for everything you did last night, this morning. I'm sure Mac appreciates it. Things are obviously going to be difficult for awhile still and your support is going to be invaluable. However, I think in the short term we are all desperately short on sleep, I know I am," Harm said wearily.
"We can take a hint," Bud smiled. "Ring if you need anything, okay!"
Harm shook his hand. "Thanks Bud, I will do." Harriet gave Harm another big hug and Harm kissed the top of her head.
"Thanks Harriet, we'll see you back tonight. Can you make it about seven?"
"Any time suits us," she kissed his cheek and she and Bud departed.
The General and Kershaw offered their best wishes and assistance again. The General agreed to contact Sturgis and inform him of events whilst Kershaw would contact Porter Webb and deliver the news personally. Then they too departed.
Commander Lynch took a sample drug packet from her bag and a prescription. "Harm, these are mild sedatives in case Sarah needs them. The directions are on the label. Call me if you need anything, I will make arrangements for counselling sessions ASAP. Monday, maybe, what do you think?"
Harm just nodded, he really couldn't think beyond the present moment. "Thank you Commander Lynch, for everything." He saw her to the door.
That just left Jennifer; she hadn't spoken to him at all since his return. She sat on the sofa and just looked at him. Harm went and sat on the coffee table in front of her.
"Well, Jennifer, what a night?" he said with half a smile.
"Hmmm," she replied on the brink of tears.
"You okay?"
"Hmmm." She knew words would bring tears.
"Thank you for ringing me yesterday and for looking after Mac, you did a fantastic job."
She dropped her head as the tears started to roll.
"Oh, Jen." He put his arms out and she fell into them. She had been so scared when she had first found Mac and then she had felt bad that she wasn't able to help her. This subsided somewhat when she realised that the only one in the apartment who could have helped her was Harm. Jennifer had also shared in Mac's anguish at the hands of Webb. Listening to the tape she was reminded her own life was nothing remarkable and some could even see it as useless and pathetic. Harm had been her saving grace too, but as far as having someone to love, someone who loved her, she had no one, absolutely no one. She was very tired and very emotional and knew this wasn't the time to be thinking rationally about anything but going to bed. Jennifer lifted her head and kissed his cheek. Harm tried to wipe away her tears but she just turned her head and left. He knew there was something awry but he would have to address it at a later date, at this point he only had the strength to deal with Mac.
Slowly he headed back to the bedroom and checked she was still sleeping, she was. He went into the bathroom, stripped off his uniform and jumped into the shower. The cool refreshing water did nothing to revive him; he was exhausted and fairly numb. The one person in his life who meant the world to him had nearly been taken from him physically; that in itself would take some getting over. He only hoped and prayed she hadn't been taken emotionally. He turned off the taps and stood there awhile, his energy sapped. Finally he drew back the curtain and grabbed a towel; he put on his blue boxers and a white t-shirt and walked into the bedroom. Mac was awake, sitting in the middle of the bed, knees clutched to her chest sobbing.
"Oh, Mac, what is it?" he said sitting on the bed facing her. He lifted her face and wiped her tears.
"I woke up," she whimpered. "And you were gone and I was scared."
"I'm so sorry, I just had a shower. I thought you were asleep."
She shook her head. He put his arm around her and lay back on the bed.
"I promise you, I'll never leave you alone again. I will be here for you always."
"Don't make a promise you can't keep," she whispered despondently.
"You know me better than that." He kissed her forehead and held her tight.
She smiled briefly and Harm's heart was gladdened, it may have been brief but the smile was there. It was a sign of hope.
"I love you, Mac," he said tenderly.
"I love you, Harm," she mouthed back.
In less than 24 hours their world had changed. The despondent and desolate feeling which had engulfed Harm the previous day had not left him. He hated Webb with every ounce of his being but the man was dead and he needed his strength for other things. He was lying in bed with Mac, holding her tight, they had expressed their love, all of which he had frequently fantasized about. The circumstances which brought them to this place, however, were horrific and soul destroying and could not be ignored or shut out. He knew they could never go back and he did not know if they could go on. So, life had to remain in the present, minute by minute, hour by hour. Harm knew that if he could manage to keep it that way, at least for the time being, then he may get to spend his life holding her and loving her. It was going to be a very delicate balancing act, one where dropping the balls really did mean the difference between life and death.