Since the day Sam and I came home from the hospital, Dean's always been looking out for us. He takes his big brother role seriously…even with me. I guess I think it's cool that even though he and Sam aren't really my brothers, in a way, they are…especially after Aunt Mary passed died. Well, Uncle John said she was killed by something in Sammy's room when he was six months old. I don't really know what they meant…I think everyone but me knew the whole truth. I guess cuz I was a girl, they didn't want me to know. I don't know. But what I'm tyring to say is that me, Sam and Dean started really feeling like siblings shortly after Aunt Mary passed. John was gone a lot for some reason…I don't know why though. But Sam and Dean lived at our house for most of that time so it definitely felt like we were siblings. We act like it. Actually, growing up, we even told people we were siblings, which actually got us into trouble a few times. Well, it wasn't that we got into trouble, it was more like people were getting confused.
Like this one time, I was in first grade and obviously, so was Sam. The first day of school, we went around the room introducing ourselves. Me and Sam were still a bit confused on the whole family/sibling thing so what we did was use each other's last name. When it was Sam's turn, he said his name was Sam Davies Winchester and when it came to me, I said my name was Rylie Winchester Davies. The teacher didn't think much of it at first. But later on, she noticed how close me and Sam seemed to be. I guess even though I was a little older than Sam, I was still a bit scared being in first grade and not knowing anyone but him. So Sam always made sure to be with me. I mean, we really did feel like siblings so we did almost everything together. We'd play together, eat together. Of course, we joined the other kids too but most of the time, we just stuck with each other. And whenever we would leave the classroom to go outside to play or to the cafeteria, we'd be holding each other's hands. It's not that we were trying to be wussies but I don't know, I guess at that age, we got so attached of having Dean around always looking out for us that without him, it felt like the two of us always had to be right next to each other; otherwise, one of us would start freaking out…usually, it was me. But can you blame me? I was a real girly-girl. But that's when the teacher started noticing and questioning some things, after the whole hand-holding thing. So she decided to talk to my parents…make sure that they were aware of what was "developing" between me and Sam at such a young age. But my parents cleared everything up. They told them that we practically were siblings since we practically did live with each other. I don't know, I think our teacher told them that she thought we were being a little too friendly with each other. I don't really know what she meant by that…I think she just had a dirty mind. All me and Sam did that day was play together like we normally did growing up. It was nothing out of the ordinary for us. And besides, how could we, being six years old at the time, even know anything about the whole boyfriend/girlfriend crap. If you ask me, I think kids at that age who think they're in love or say they have a boyfriend/girlfriend are crazy. No offense…it's just me. But then again, everyone's different…like Dean.
Dean…well, he's another story. At that same age, he had three girlfriends at the same time. Can you believe that? Apparently the guy was a player even before he could walk because I heard that even when he was a baby, mothers around the neighborhood were trying to hook up their daughters with him. With Dean? Are you serious? That's crazy. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the guy as a brother and everything, but getting in a relationship with Dean, I think that's just plain nuts! I least that's what I initially thought…but boy do things change over a couple years.
As the years went by, I started seeing a different side of Dean. I admit, the guy is gorgeous but the fact that I grew up thinking of him as my brother made his gorgeousness seem gross. But I don't know what happened. It's weird. It's hard to explain. But for years, as I started to feel differently about him, I never once thought of mentioning it to him. I mean, come on! That seemed kinda gross don't you think? I don't know. For the time being, I was just glad to have him and Sam around.
But also, along with time, somehow, I started growing apart from Sam. I still love him as much as I did when I was younger. I guess it's just that we just started having difference of interests in things. Up until high school, we were still as tight as when we were little. We used to write each other stupid little notes in class just cuz we were bored. We'd either joke the teacher who'd be foaming in the mouth as he talked or make fun of the kid in front of us bobbing his head back and forth as he was falling asleep. Other times, he'd just write me a note to see what's up even though we just talked right before class started. It was the things like that that I loved so much about Sammy – the closeness we had as best friends, as siblings. He took care of me…looked out for me when Dean wasn't around. He was like a big brother even though he was younger. And I loved feeling special and protected and loved. But that all started to change. He found a girlfriend…one year younger than us. I didn't mind it, of course. I was actually happy for him. I thought they looked cute together…perfect for each other. But then she started to replace me. I mean, I understand that once you get a girlfriend, you gotta dedicate yourself to her. But I don't know…I don't think you should just start not talking to your best friend anymore because of it. Sam just became different…his personality changed, his attitude changed…everything. I just let it go. He was happy…that's all I cared about. But like I said, because of that, we kinda grew apart, which ended up making me closer to Dean. While Sammy would be on the phone with Ashley, me and Dean would hang out and talk and play video games. I loved the way he humored me even though I was so much more younger than him. But that's what I loved about him…he never once treated me differently because I was a girl or because I was younger. He loved me and Sam just the same. But Dean knew how much it did hurt me that Sam started becoming distant. So he wanted to make sure that while Sam was having fun talking to his girl, that I was still having fun hanging out with him. And I did. But then my feelings for Dean changed…and I don't know how he felt about me. I didn't want to lose what we had so I never said anything. But it always left me wondering, "what if?"…especially now…cuz now, they're both out of my life.
It sucks. I don't really know how it happened or why. It just happened. But all I do know is that it sucked. Still does.
It happened the same year me and Sam graduated. I was over Dean's house. Dean and I were just chilling in his room killing time. Dean was listening to some annoying music…well, it was annoying to me anyway. Somehow, even though we were alike in a lot of ways (Sam and Dean rubbed off on me in different areas), I could never get into his same taste in music…and neither could Sam. I guess I was like Sam in the area of music then I guess.
Anyways, we were in his room killing time when we heard the door downstairs slam followed by shouting. We both looked at each other before rushing down the stairs. I stopped midway when I realized who was doing the shouting. It was Uncle John and Sam…again. John and Sam got into it really bad. I don't really know what they were arguing about because the moment I realized it was them, I took that as a cue for me to leave. I don't know, but for some reason, I never could handle tension or shouting between people. Whenever people would argue or fight in front of me, I would cringe…unless I was the one doing the shouting/fighting. Then usually, I'd love to be a real smart-a with them (I got this trait from Dean). But yeah, I don't know why I feel that way, I just though. I'm weird.
When I heard John and Sam shouting that day, Dean and I looked at each other. I felt bad for him…I could feel the pain he was feeling. The look on his face…it broke my heart.
"Sorry," he told me. He seemed slightly embarrassed.
"Sorry?" I was confused. What was he sorry for? "For what? Dean, you don't have to apologize. It's not your fault."
"Yes it is," I heard him say.
I don't think he meant to say it out loud but he did. He never said anything and I know he'd never admit it, but I think a part of him blamed himself for what was happening to his family. It's like he blamed himself for Aunt Mary's death, and now he was blaming himself for the deteriorating relationship John and Sam had. I think he felt like that it was his duty to keep his family together…keep them from fighting. And after hearing John and Sam go at each other's throats, I think he felt like he was failing at that.
But man, the look in his eyes…I can't describe it. All I know is, I'll never forget it. But I told him that I should probably go. I figured maybe Dean should probably butt into the argument for the sake of his family. Seriously, the way Uncle John and Sam had been lately, if you kept both of them together in a room long enough, it seemed like one of them would really want to try to kill the other. Just the look alone on Sam's face toward John seemed deadly.
Dean apologized to me once more before telling me he should probably go see what it was all about. I told him to call me or just come over if he needed anything, then I left. To this day, I still don't know what the whole argument was really about. But I think my guess is semi-right when I say that it probably to do with Sam leaving off for college…because that's what happened the very next day—Sam left.
Dean and John left the following day. I didn't know why, I didn't know where to. They just left. Dean didn't really explain…all he said was that he had to go with his dad. I thought I remembered him saying something about going hunting. I'm not too sure. Besides, I thought the season for hunting was a little off, but I didn't argue. He just said he had to go. He said he wasn't sure when he'd be back…he should've said "if." At least then, maybe I could've considered telling him how I really felt. If I had know I wouldn't see him again, I would've risked it. I would've risked our friendship just to know if there was anything there between us. I thought there might be. I don't know. I wish I could've known for sure.
After he left, Sam would call every now and then to check up on me, update me on how his life was. I was glad he did it. I was glad that even though our friendship started to decline, he wanted to make sure it didn't end. He also apologized for what happened back in high school with the whole "ditching me for his girlfriend" thing. It didn't work out well by the way. Guess they weren't perfect for each other after all. But it made me happy when he told me no girl is worth losing me over; after all, I was his older sister. He tried to keep in touch as much as he could but we both kinda got busy with our own college life. But at least he still calls whenever my birthday rolls around. And it's right that he should, because he'd have no excuse for saying he forgot because mine's the same as his. But that made me happy that he did.
Dean called once in a while too…just to say hey and to say that he and John were okay. During those calls, I thought about telling him what I felt but I figured that that'd probably just make things worse. Besides, it didn't really feel right telling him over the phone. I asked him when he was coming back…he said he still wasn't sure. I guess I just help on to the hope that I would see him again soon and be able to tell him everything then.
But the calls stopped coming after the first year they left. I don't really know what happened – if they're okay, hurt, alive. I tried calling all three of them – Dean, Sam and Uncle John. But I guess they must've changed their numbers. I don't know. I still worry about them though…wondering if they're okay. Oh what I would give to see them again. I miss them so much. I miss Dean…I still think about him everyday. I can't help it. But it's been 4 ½ years since I last hear from either of them. I feel like a part of me wants to keep hanging on to the hope that they'll come back one day, because honestly, a part of me died the day they left. I mean how could it not? These guys were my family, my brothers, my best friends. And to have them just walk out like that not knowing where they are, if they're ok…it killed me. But then that other part of me said it's been too long. It's time to move on. I have new friends…good friends who are there for me. None of them could ever replace Dean or Sam but they're still good people. And I have one guy who's trying to get to know me but I don't really know if I want that. I don't know if I'm really ready to let go of the past. But then again, I was never able to talk to Dean about it so it doesn't really matter now right? I don't know.
After much pondering, I decided to go for it. Finally let go. It hurt that he left without a real goodbye. It hurt that he stopped calling. It hurt that I didn't know what happened to them. But I had to face the truth. It was time to accept the fact that I would probably never see my best friend again.
But, man, was I wrong!