Chapter 19

"Here you go." The bookstore clerk set the plastic wrapped hat and gown on the counter.

Sam stared at the packages, at the almost blood red material underneath and felt an unwanted chill course down his spine. In a few days there would be hundreds of people wearing these red gowns all over the university, looking like a massive congregation of Satanists preparing for a ritual. He shook his head trying to get rid of the weird image, not quite able to shake a strange feeling of foreboding.

He should be excited, elated to be graduating after four years of study – not thinking doom and gloom, like something out of one Dean's movies. Maybe the looming months of prepping for the LSAT's were making him nervous. Passing those was the next big obstacle in his plans, his future, and failure would leave him adrift, something he very much dreaded.

"Sam? You okay?"

He glanced at Jess, the best and most unexpected thing to happen to him here at Stanford, and smoothed out the frown he could feel shaping his face. "Yeah. Just pre-graduation jitters, I think."

She gave him a small smile, shaking her head. "Your speech will go fine. You've been practicing that thing non-stop for a week, and you were pretty much perfect the first time you read it."

Oh God, how he loved her -- her little knowing smile, the dimples on her cheeks, her lush blonde hair, her full lips, her wit. He loved her so much sometimes it hurt. He didn't understand what she saw in him, why she would waste her time on him, but was forever grateful to God and Heaven that she did. Jess was his bridge, the one that connected his weird life and helped him make sense of the one he lived in now. She'd opened his eyes to so many things, the type of knowledge and wisdom you couldn't find in books. She helped him learn about himself, his strengths and weaknesses.

Sam paid for the rental of the robes, unable to help the smile now brightening his face, and took her hand in his as they made their way out.

The two of them stopped just outside the entrance of the store, the sound of bells echoing loudly. After a moment, Sam was able to place the piece – Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. The concert carillon based in Hoover tower and consisting of forty-eight bells was very conducive to music for piano, the arrangements of the baton-like-keys set to the same pattern. On the Sunday morning of the commencement ceremonies, there would be a carillon performance for the enjoyment of those graduating and their families. It was one of the many things he would have never gotten to experience if he'd not come here.

"Sam…"

He looked down into Jessica's blue-green eyes and watched her gaze roam over him a serious look on her face. He couldn't resist dipping down for a moment to kiss her.

She bit her lower lip when he pulled away, and looking troubled glanced away. "Graduation won't be till this weekend. So…you could still call your brother and father and tell them about it. They'd still have time to make plans and get here."

Sam felt his stomach tighten. This wasn't the first time she'd brought up the subject. He knew she was only thinking of him, but he couldn't get into it now any more than he could before. As desperately as he loved her, there were still things he couldn't tell her – things about himself, how he was raised, how his mother really died. What his father did for a living, the things his family knew, these were all matters that demanded total secrecy. The first rule, one pounded into him since before he could walk, was that they didn't divulge what they knew or did to anyone for any reason. And no matter how deeply he felt about Jessica, it was the one offense he couldn't make himself commit. No matter what his father thought of him, or how ugly they left things, Sam would never betray his family.

Informing Dean and Dad about the upcoming graduation hadn't even occurred to him until she brought it up. For a few short moments the idea had actually excited him, then was drowned out by cold reality. His father had pretty much disinherited him when Sam decided to come here, why the heck would he care that he'd graduated, and with honors to boot? And Dean, Dean would make more of the invitation than it would mean. It'd been almost two years since he told him he couldn't speak to him anymore, but Sam still wasn't finished. He still hadn't been able to put everything behind him that he needed to. That feeling of safety, of not being afraid, he was close, but not yet, not yet. With everything he still had to do, he just couldn't risk it. The dredged up family drama would mess up his head and the only things he had room for right now were graduating and then getting through the LSAT's. After that, after he finished law school…maybe, maybe then he could…

"Jess, I can't. I just can't."

She squeezed his hand then came close, her gaze searching his face again. "I'd just hate for you to come to regret it later. You know?"

He put the arm holding the bag around her, while bringing her clasped hand to his lips. He kissed it gently, trying to siphon all his love for her into that single touch. "I do. But as long as you're her with me, I can't regret anything."