Never Can Say Goodbye – Part 2
Disclaimer - See part one for all important information
She was still contemplating what she was going to do as the door opened and Harm looked at her with a myriad of emotions. She had been so distraught, she didn't even think about what he would say, or what she would say for that matter when he saw her there or if he would even let her in. After all, she had run out on him and their friends without any explanation causing him embarrassment.
"Mac… come in." Right now, he didn't care what had transpired; he was just glad that she was there.
His voice was like a soothing balm being applied to her aching heart and she wanted to throw herself into his arms so that he could take all the pain away.
He stepped aside to let her in and shut the door behind her. She still hadn't said a word; she just stood there, looking down at her feet, willing them to move further into the apartment.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
She had a lump in her throat. Her emotions were so out of control, and she was so concerned about what she would say and how to say it, that she never heard him speak.
"Mac?" She still didn't respond.
This time he was a bit more forceful. "MAC!" He shouted and took hold of her arm. "You're scaring me here. Please say something." He had managed to startle her out of her reverie, enough to at least acknowledge him with a slight nod of her head. "Talk to me," he pleaded even though he was the one who wanted to do the talking.
"Oh Harm… I… I… I'm feeling so many things… I don't know." She looked up to meet his eyes and continued to speak, wringing her hands. "After I ran out of McMurphy's, I drove around for a while. I didn't want to be alone in my empty apartment and before I even realized it, I was parked outside your loft. I guess it's because I always come here when I'm upset about something or with someone." She attempted a small smile. "That's when my car seems to be on auto-pilot and steers its way here. Being here always makes me feel like I've come home."
Harm gave her a warm smile before speaking. "I'm glad you always feel at home here, Mac, because I love having you here."
She had one hand wrapped around her waist, and she shakily ran the fingers of her other over her lips and took a deep breath before she continued. "I'm sorry I ran out on you at McMurphy's earlier. I guess everything that happened this week finally caught up with me and I just had to get out of there before I totally lost it in front of everyone. I really am sorry," she said, reaching out to rub his forearm gently. "I hope you will be able to understand why…"
She was immediately cut off as Harm began talking over her. "That's okay Mac… I understand."
"Do you Harm? Do you really understand?" There was sadness in her chocolate brown eyes that he had never seen before. He wondered if it mirrored his own.
Harm was standing defensively; his arms were crossed over his chest as if he was attempting to protect himself from what was to come. "Well, Mac, let me say this. If you're feeling half of what I'm feeling right now… then yeah, I do understand. Because I don't know how to say goodbye to you either," he whispered, taking her hand from where it sat on his arm and put it over his rapidly beating heart.
Harm looked at her so intensely that she swore he could see into her troubled soul, and all she could do was blink and stare back, letting the tears run down her cheeks. Harm slowly wiped her tears away with his thumbs… the way he had done so many times. Mac kissed his palm and turned away from him to stand in front of the window.
She stared out into the lonely night, hugging herself tightly as the tears continued to flow. Harm gave her the space she seemed to need not saying a word. He knew she was crying and he felt powerless. He couldn't stand to see her cry; he never could. He weighed his options at the moment, but didn't get the chance to act on any of them.
"I can… can't do it, Harm. I can't go to… to San Diego," she blurted out through her sobs. "I won't survive without you… I don't want to live without you. You are everything to me. I need you in my life, Harm. I need US. I'm sorry to be dumping this on you now, but its how I feel. How I have always felt. What am I going to do? No… I know what I am going to do or I should say not do."
She knew she was ranting. She had never been this out of control and vulnerable in front of Harm before. Of course he had seen her at some of her worst moments, but never like this. She knew he wouldn't hold it against her and as always, he would be there to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. 'Get control of yourself,' she thought. 'You're a marine for God sake'.
Harm's eyebrows rose and his eyes widened. "Mac… exactly what are you saying here?" He asked pensively.
"I'm not going to San Diego. I am going to resign and leave the Corp."
"Wwhhaaat?" Harm was tongue-tied. "Leave the Corp?"
"Is there an echo in here?" Mac chided.
"Mac, this is not a joking matter," Harm retorted.
"No Harm, it's not."
Harm ran his fingers through his hair then pinched his nose as his hands came to rest on his hips. "Have you really thought this through, Mac?"
"I don't have to think about it. I know it's the right thing to do."
"Why, Mac?"
"That's simple. It's because I don't want to be over five thousand miles away from you. I need to know that you are close by. I need to be able to see you and touch you, Harm. We can't do that very well long distance now can we?"
"Oh Mac…" Harm gently turned her around and put his forefinger under her chin, tenderly raising her face so that she would look at him. "I wouldn't survive without you either. You are my whole world; you know that, don't you?"
"Well… I know now." Was all Mac could say before throwing her arms around his neck, pulling him down to kiss him so passionately that Harm went weak in the knees and had all he could do to stay standing.
"Mmmm… that was real nice, Marine".
"Yeah… well, Sailor, there is plenty more where that came from," she offered sexily.
"Mac, we only have about twelve hours before…"
"No, Harm, stop!" She raised her hands in protest. "I already told you, I'm not going. Well at least not to San Diego. I would like to go with you to London… that is if you will have me. And before you say anything, I'm not looking for any kind of long-term commitment here. I just want to be where you are."
"First of all, Marine - and I do mean marine because that is what you are and should continue to be. You worked your whole life to get to where you are, and you are damn good at what you do. I will not let you throw that away because of me. You have a few more years to go before you can retire and get your benefits, Mac, and you should stay long enough to collect them. Second, I am touched that you would even consider giving it all up for me so please don't think that I am rejecting you again because I am not. I more than learned my lesson that night on a ferry in Sydney. I vowed if I ever got another chance, I would not blow it and believe me, I don't intend to."
"So what are you saying or not saying, Harm," Mac asked shakily, feeling significantly insecure.
"What I'm saying is that I will be the one retiring and going to San Diego with you… if you will have ME?"
"OH NO YOUR NOT, Sailor!" Mac screamed. "You just got promoted to Captain and you will definitely be in line to become the Judge Advocate General one day. I will NOT let you give all that up for me. You already resigned once because of me, and I will not have you retiring because of me now."
Harm shook his head, chuckling at her rather loud outburst. "We're not keeping score here, Mac."
Mac looked at him with tears in her eyes. "I never said we were keeping score, and I really don't think this is funny."
Harm took her trembling hands into his, planting a kiss on each of her palms. "Neither do I. I'm not laughing at the situation, I'm laughing at us." Mac looked at Harm quizzically at the mention of the word us. Her thoughts were immediately catapulted to what had transpired in Paraguay when she in no uncertain terms told him that there would never be an 'us'.
"Yes… us," Harm continued, bringing Mac back to the present. "There has always been an 'us', Mac. We have just been too blind and too stubborn to see it. We have always been the two parts of the whole. We have always blamed someone or something for keeping us apart. When the only thing that kept us apart… was us. Think about it. You blamed all my so-called girlfriends, while I was jealous of all your boyfriends. We both valued our careers and that in and of itself became a problem. We came up with all kinds of reasons why it wouldn't work between us. All the not yets and all the nevers… never the right time, never the right place… it was always never for us. Don't you see… our not being us was of our own doing? We never gave US a chance, and I will be the first to admit it. I was always afraid to let my well-constructed walls down around you… walls that took me years to build… walls that you managed to dismantle one brick at a time. Now they have all crumbled. Mac, I knew once I let you in, I would never let you go again. I can't and I won't."
"Harm, you just said a mouthful and it was all wonderful. But please, I just need to hear you say the words," Mac pleaded.
Harm looked into her big brown watery eyes and gave her his flyboy grin, the one that she loved so much. He knew exactly what she wanted him to say. "I love you, Mac. Plain and simple… always have and always will."
Mac's heart pounded in her chest. Hearing his words affirmed that she had made the right decision not to go to San Diego. She put her arms around his waist and put her head on his chest, absorbing his warmth and his unwavering strength. "I love you too, Harm, always."
"Well then, Jarhead, lets not be stubborn. We have an important life altering decision to make here," Harm retorted, kissing her sweetly.
"Stubborn… I'm not the one being stubborn, Squid. The only decision that needs to be made now is whether or not we need two seats on that plane to London tomorrow, or if you would prefer to go on ahead and get settled, I can follow in a few days."
"Maacccccc, WE are NOT going to London. We are going to San Diego. I will call the General first thing in the morning and let him know."
"Well then, I guess you will be going alone because I'm not going to San Diego." Mac pouted, looking at him with her hands firmly placed on her hips. "Really, Harm, what part of 'I am not going to San Diego' did you not understand before?"
Harm took Mac by the hand and led her over to the counter, picked her up and placed her on top of it, seeing as how that was the only place to sit besides the bed that was still there, but they still needed to talk so the bed was out of the question for now. After all he was only human and having Mac next to him on that mattress, well… 'let's just say that there wouldn't be much talking going on.' He grinned. 'That's going to have to wait a while,' he thought… hopefully not too long though.
"What are you grinning at?" Mac asked with a smile.
"Huh… oh… nothing, nothing." He couldn't tell her what he was thinking before they finished their 'talk' because then he wouldn't need a plane, she would kick his sorry six all the way to London in a heartbeat.
He stood in front of her where they were pretty much at eye level and put his arms around her, holding her close. She opened her legs and wrapped them around his waist so that she could bring him even closer to her. 'Oh Lord,' he thought, stifling a moan. 'She has absolutely no clue what she is doing to me here.'
"Listen, Mac,' he said a little shakily, trying to get his raging hormones under control.
Mac put a finger to his lips to quiet him and he kissed it. "No… Harm, you have to listen to me now okay… please. I have given this serious thought. Hell, that has been all I've been thinking about since we got our orders. I know, I can't say goodbye… I don't want to say goodbye… you, Harmon Rabb Jr., are my soul mate… you complete me. I know that now. It took me a long time to admit it, but I have. I had shielded by heart with barriers too, and you managed to dismantle them piece by piece until they were all gone. So…if you still want to have a family with me… and I hope you do… well, it is going to take a great deal of effort on our part and the odds are not in our favor of being successful doing it naturally with my endometriosis and all."
Harm was heart broken about her illness, knowing that they might never have a child of their own, but he did his best to lighten the mood and gave her an acknowledging smile. He would continue to be strong for her and never let her see his pain. "Just think of all the fun we're gonna have trying, sweet thing," he chided, wiggling his eyebrows at her seductively.
Mac shared his sentiment, but remained stoic. "Harm, you're supposed to be listening here," she stammered.
"Sorry, go ahead, counselor. You have the floor for the moment. So continue presenting your case because you know I still intend to present mine," Harm said as he tightened his hold on her waist, resting his forehead against hers and began covering her face with tiny, sweet wet kisses.
Mac would not let herself be distracted by his tactics. She was on a roll and this was a battle she intended to win. She pulled her head back so that she could look into his eyes when she spoke and continued. "I know I want a family more than anything… yes, even more than being a Marine, and I want it with you. I have had the good career. Now I want the good man and lots and lots of comfortable shoes along with a little white house with the picket fence, and maybe even a big old slobbering dog running around the yard… yes, Harm, I want it all." She gave him a lopsided smile and swallowed hard before continuing with her argument. "So… I think we should consider adoption right away in the event that I cannot conceive. This way our paperwork will be filed and we will already be on the waiting list. You have to admit that we will definitely have a better chance at adoption if they know that I plan on being a stay at home mom, which is what I really want to be… that is if it's okay with you. If our paperwork lists us as both being military… well lets just say that it won't win us any points."
Harm was about to interject, but she wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise as she continued her tirade.
"Look, Harm… I'm not getting any younger here and I want to enjoy every single moment of not only motherhood, but of being with you and making a home for us. I feel that this is the best way for us to attain what we want… and before you even ask, I will not be sorry that I resigned. I am actually looking forward to it. I have always let the Marine Corp dictate my life, not anymore, Harm," she spat. "The Marine Corp will no longer rule my life." She was definitely adamant about it.
By now the tears were once again falling in earnest. "Besides, Harm, what about Mattie? Maybe my being at home would enable Mattie to come to London sooner because there would be somebody to take care of her 24/7. I would very much like to be her caregiver if she would have me be. It will give her and me the opportunity to get to know each other better."
She had finished her argument and took a deep breath, steadying herself against him. Harm had been listening intently, holding on to her every word. Tears had glistened in his eyes as he gathered her closer and rubbed her back. He was madly in love with the marine in her, but he just fell head over heels in love with the woman in front of him. It was obvious that she had given her decision serious thought, but now it was his turn to step up to the plate and counter-argue, hoping to hit a home run. He knew he could be articulate in the courtroom and sway a jury, but this was Mac. 'Let's see how this goes,' he mused.
He kissed her gently and smiled before proceeding. "Well, Mac, you've presented a great argument. I'm impressed, but I always am when I listen to your lines of reasoning." Mac was now holding on to his shoulders, a bit winded after her rather lengthy speech. She returned his smile with the one she saved just for him when she heard his compliment.
"Before I say another word, I just want to say thank you." His eyes were watery from unshed tears, and placing his hand over his heart for emphasis he continued. "Your words have touched me deeply."
Mac was puzzled. "What words? What are you thanking me for?"
"For thinking about Mattie and wanting to take care of her without even giving thought to what kind of care she might need and how hard it might be on you, but I think we can hire someone to do that should we need to."
Mac smiled at him lovingly. "No need to thank me. I know how much she means to you, and I'm pretty fond of her myself. So I would be happy to do it for both of you. I want to make a home for all of us."
Harm returned her loving smile but he wasn't done talking. "Being promoted to Captain was great and totally unexpected, especially with my track record, and to get my own command in London… well what can I say. Being Judge Advocate General one day is really the icing on the cake. Yeah… I know all that, but you mean so much more to me. I've given the Navy my twenty plus years. I can retire with benefits. That's why I'm saying that I should follow you to San Diego. I'm sure I can find something to do there. I can go into private practice, maybe family law, or I can always fly… you know become a pilot for an airline or something. Whatever I decide on, Mac, it really doesn't matter as long as we're together. I used to think the Navy was my life and so did you, as you so eloquently told me in Paraguay, not any more. You are my life… Sarah. You are all that matters to me. I have cherished being your friend… your colleague… your partner… and now I would very much like to have it all by making you my lover and my wife. That is… If you will have me."
Once again Mac could not control her tears. "Boy, Sailor, when you let go… you really let go," she sobbed. They stayed motionless, gazing into each other's love-filled eyes for at least two minutes, according to Mac's inner clock.
"You know, Harm, we both share the blame in missed opportunities, but let's not dwell on the past now. Right now our entire future is at stake." Harm kept his hold on her and became pensive. "Okay, Flyboy, I can see the wheels spinning in that thick head of yours so spill it."
"Well, Jarhead, you're right. I am thinking and I'm trying to be rational here. I know you don't want me to refuse my new commission and end up retiring, and I don't want you to resign. Are you really sure - about wanting to go to London? You will be giving up a great opportunity for further advancement… an advancement that you rightfully deserve and are worthy of. You presented a great argument. I really do understand everything you said and you were right in what you said. I just hate to see you give up what you have worked so hard to attain."
Mac lovingly put her hands on Harm's cheeks, looking directly into his eyes. "Sailor, I'm ready to throw in the towel. I don't have to prove myself to anyone anymore. You have given me everything I've ever wanted or could hope for… your love." She looked at him tenderly and kissed him for all she was worth.
Harm still was not totally convinced that this was the right thing for her to do, but he acquiesced to her decision because he loved her so much. "Okay, Mac… I concede, London it is, but I think we ought to come up with another plan."
"What kind of plan?"
"Why don't we talk to the General and see if there is anything in London that you would fit into. This way you can just be reassigned and not have to leave the Corp just yet."
"Harm… I know you are doing this because you are afraid that I will regret my decision, but I can promise you I won't."
"Can you just humor me here a minute, Mac?"
"Okay… I'm listening." She sighed.
"Maybe there is something that won't require any traveling, maybe even shorter work days. Just something that enables you to stay in the Corp. for a while longer. Then… with all that practicing we're going to do, if we get our miracle and make a little Mackenzie-Rabb, you can resign if that is what you really want to do."
Harm immediately thought of a little girl with olive skin and chocolate brown eyes just like her mother and knew she would have him wrapped around her little finger. Mac on the other hand was picturing a little boy with beautiful blue-green eyes, who looked just like his dad flyboy grin and all.
"What about Mattie?" Mac questioned.
"Once she is ready to travel, we can see about hiring someone to take care of her during the day if necessary. It will be fine, and she will be fine, Mac. So what to you think? Shall we call the General in the morning and talk to him?"
Mac wrapped her arms around Harm and whispered gently into his ear. He flinched as her breath tickled him. "I love you, Harm." Then she sat back to look deep into his eyes before she spoke again. "I really do appreciate your concern for me so… to honor that appreciation… yes I think that that would be a very good idea. One thing though and I mean it sincerely, Harm… if there is nothing for me in London, I resign now. Agreed…?"
He looked at her affectionately and knew he really couldn't refuse her anything. "Agreed," he answered.
Mac held out her hand. "Let's shake on it."
Harm had a better idea. "How about this instead." He leaned in and captured hers lips in a sweet kiss filled with love and promise. The kiss started out gently, but it soon grew into a fiery passion. A passion that had been denied and hidden behind missed opportunities and miscommunications for far too long. Their lips were fused together; their tongues delved into the warmth of each other's mouth, exploring and tasting. Their hands were doing their own form of study…, touching, feeling and most of all loving… fully and completely.
"Hmmmm… this is nice, Harm, but do you think we can move this to some place a little more comfortable. My six is killing me, sitting on this hard counter," Mac lamented, nibbling on his bottom lip.
Harm smiled apologetically, forgetting that she had been up on the counter for a while now. He scooted her towards him, pressing her firmly against his already needy arousal as he picked her up. "Well… the bed is still together. What do you say, Marine… want to share?"
"Yeah I do, after all it's a little better than sleeping with the scorpions, and at least we won't have to worry about being blown up." Mac responded as they both laughed, and then she wrapped herself totally around him and kissed him passionately. "Lead on, Sailor."
"You got it, Marine, but just to let you know; I definitely plan on making some fireworks of our own." Harm chided wide eyed as he started to nibble contently on her neck, giving her a sample of what was to come. All Mac could do was giggle at his comment and the sensations he was creating in her. She was more than ready.
They were happy, and they knew that tonight would be the first night of the rest of their lives, and regardless of what happened in the cold light of day, they would face it together.
The End
A/N: An adult version conclusion can be found at Michi's website (see personal profile for information)