A Chance to Love - 10 of 11
Life Without John
Dean and Sam found a nearby hotel. Dean stayed there and called Bobby and Ellen to tell them about all that had happened. Sam went back to the hospital. He went to ICU and John's room was empty. Sam was so thankful for Pastor Jim right them.
Next stop was Jo's room. She was more awake this time. She was holding the baby and crying. Sam stood beside her bed and put his arm around the two of them.
"You became a mother today, Jo," Sam tried to be supportive. "That's pretty amazing."
"I also became Mrs. Winchester and a widow," she replied.
Sam understood how complicated and hard the day had been on her. "Have you thought about a middle name for Baby John?"
"William, after my Dad," Jo answered. "And we don't need to call him Baby John. Let's call him Johnny."
"Johnny is a great name for him," Sam agreed. He watched Jo and the baby for awhile. Then he asked, "Dean and I have a room close to the hospital. Should I stay there or do you need me here?"
"Could you please stay?"
"Sure." Sam replied. "I'll just call Dean and tell him."
"How is Dean doing?"
"Hard to tell how Dean is doing." Sam tried to think of how to word it. "He doesn't say much." Sam looked around and saw that there was a chair that reclined for him to sleep in. "Do you think they could bring in another sleeping chair? Then, Dean could be here, too. Whether he's talking about it or not, he doesn't need to be alone right now."
Housekeeping brought in another chair and Sam went to get Dean.
"Why are you back so soon?" Dean asked.
"Because it was wrong for me to leave you here," Sam started out. "None of us should be alone tonight. We're staying in Jo's room. They have two sleeping chairs, which are more comfortable than the Impala. Come on. Jo knows we are on our way."
Dean didn't argue but he didn't seem too excited to go, either. "I hate hospitals," he mumbled on his way out the door.
Back in Jo's room, the baby was asleep in the bassinette beside Jo. Sam took the sleeping chair closest to Jo. Dean took the other.
"I need to know where John is," Jo's voice was quiet. "Did Pastor Jim make any suggestions or arrangements?"
"We let Pastor Jim arrange to have Dad brought home," Sam started to explain. "We want to have him buried in Nebraska We also want to put a headstone for our Mom beside him. The other side will be for you after you have lived a long and full life. Is it okay with you to put a headstone for Mom by Dad?"
"That's fine. I am relieved that you thought far enough ahead to include me, because I really love him," Jo's tears started again.
"We know you do," Dean's voice crackled. "We might have thought it odd when you two got together, but just seeing you together showed us how much you loved each other. We wanted to have our Mom nearby while still respecting your love for Dad. There was nothing of Mom to bury. There's a headstone in Lawrence, but we've only been there a couple times. Our new home is still where you live, right?"
"That home is where all Winchesters belong," Jo needed them as much as they needed her.
A few days later, Dean and Pastor Jim were in the front seat of the Impala and Jo and Sam had Johnny between them in the backseat. Dean drove the speed limit or under. He was carrying very precious cargo.
Although it felt good to be home, they were overwhelmed by John when they walked in the door. Little items of his that were strewn all though the house.
Pastor Jim and Dean put the crib together while Sam and Jo tried to get Johnny settled in. Jo made a list for the grocery store and Pastor Jim and Dean went to get them. On their way, they stopped off at the Roadhouse to tell Ellen that they were back.
Dean saw Cole there. Sam had told him about Cole and Jo in the supermarket. Too much was boiling up inside Dean. He went up to Cole and just blew up. "What were you thinking, kicking Jo?" he shoved Cole's shoulders.
"I don't know--"
"You know damn well what I'm talking about. You don't kick anyone, Cole. Especially ladies who are expecting." Dean shoved him again.
"Wait a minute here, she--" Cole tried to get a word in.
"Are you that low on the totem pole that you had to resort to sending Jo to the hospital?" Dean shoved him twice.
Cole clearly didn't want to fight Dean. He was a little scared of Dean, actually.
Dean pounded him twice in quick succession. Cole was on the ground and staying there. "Leave my family alone," Dean growled. "I'm the one you'll have to deal with."
Dean turned and he and Pastor Jim continued to the grocery store. Jo's car was still in the parking lot. They got what they needed and then Pastor Jim drove Jo's car home, following Dean.
Ellen was at the house when they got there. She'd left someone else in charge so she could check on everyone. While Johnny slept in his car seat in the living room, Ellen had helped Jo with her incision, pain pills, and tucked her into bed. Sam was in the living room trying to figure out the bassinette instructions. Pastor Jim and Dean walked by with the groceries into the kitchen.
When they were putting the items away, Pastor Jim asked Dean why he struck that man at the Roadhouse. Dean told him about Jo's trip to the grocery store and that besides just harassing her, Cole kicked Jo. She fell down, got a concussion, scrape on her head and started spotting with the baby. Sam had taken her to the hospital. They arrived back home and it was the night that John killed the demon. It had all happened so fast.
Pastor Jim couldn't scold him for striking Cole. Dean thought he'd better warn Pastor Jim, so he told him about Sam and Jo's sleeping arrangement when John was gone. Pastor Jim gave him an odd look. Dean told him that John had asked Sam to take care of Jo, known that Sam was sleeping by her, and was thankful that Sam was there to help Jo when John couldn't.
Once back in the living room, Pastor Jim and Dean pitched in on assembling the bassinette. It went more smoothly that way. While they were working, Pastor Jim told them that he had their Dad's wedding ring. He didn't know exactly who to give it to. Sam and Dean agreed that Jo should have it.
Ellen came out of the bedroom and asked if there were any more Kleenex. Sam went to show her. When it was just the two of them, Ellen said," Jo told me you slept with her when John was gone."
"Not like you think," Sam's face turned all shades of red. "I slept by her and rubbed her belly when Johnny was too active. I guess that is one thing my Dad did to help her sleep at night. Dad knew about it and was glad I was able to help make Jo more comfortable."
"She's in mourning," Ellen stated. "Whatever feelings you have or don't have for Jo, remember how sad she is. She's been depending on you and it sounds like she might continue to do so. If your friendship grows into something, I can handle that. Just don't hurt her when she's already so sad."
"I'd never purposely hurt Jo," Sam was insulted that Ellen would even think something like that. "I'm grieving, too. So is Dean. The only person in this house not grieving is Johnny, and that's just because he's a baby. No one is hurting or taking advantage of anyone here. We're helping each other get by."
"Just making sure," Ellen responded. "Do you plan on telling Pastor Jim about your sleeping arrangement?"
"I'll sleep wherever Jo wants me to," Sam replied. "I doubt Pastor Jim will say a word."
"Good. Bring her these Kleenex. She asked to see you." Ellen handed him the box.
"Jo?" the dim bedside lamp was on and Sam couldn't tell if she had fallen asleep.
"Sammy? Come sit by me."
"How are you doing?" Sam asked even though her red-rimmed eyes told him all he needed to know. He put the new box of Kleenex on the bedside table.
"I'm alone, Sammy. I don't want to be alone. I'm scared."
"You're not alone. You'll always have Dean and me."
"When you're not hunting," Jo cried. "What happens when you go on your next hunt?"
"We're not going anywhere until you are ready for us to leave."
"What if that day doesn't come?"
"We'll talk about it later, Jo. Don't worry about it right now."
"Will you still sleep by me, Sam?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Yes," Jo looked at his face trying to see if he was going to refuse her request.
"I'll let Pastor Murphy have my bunk," Sam decided. "Do you want the crib or the bassinette in here?"
"The bassinette beside my bed," Jo answered. "That way I can make sure to Johnny up when he cries."
"I'll bring the bassinette in later, we're still finishing it. I'll give Johnny a bottle before I bring him in to sleep. For now, get some rest, Jo. Do you have your pills nearby?"
"In the nightstand drawer."
"I'll bring in a glass of water later, too."
"Thank you, Sam."
Sam went into the living room and wondered how Pastor Jim was going to react to the sleeping arrangements.
Pastor Jim visited Jo in her room. "I have something for you," he sat on the edge of her bed. "I think this might help you in the difficult days ahead." He pulled John's wedding ring out of his pocket.
"I wondered where it had gone," Jo's eyes glistened as she slipped it on her middle finger. "Thank you for all you've done for us."
"It was nothing," Pastor Jim squeezed her hand. "I know about Sam comforting you at night, Jo. Although it is irregular, it isn't exactly wrong. Just make sure that it doesn't turn into something more by mistake or that one of you thinks it is more when it isn't. That's when feelings get hurt. Just keep communication open."
"Yes," Jo smiled.
Pastor Jim smiled back. He knew she understood and that she would be okay.
Sam had learned how to feed Johnny in the hospital. It seemed strange to be feeding him at home. Dean and Pastor Jim were in the living room with him. They all stayed up until Pastor Jim had rocked Johnny to sleep. Pastor Jim had insisted on rocking Johnny because he didn't get many changes to rock a baby.
"Goodnight," Sam took the warm bundle from Pastor Jim. "I'm sure Johnny won't be asleep as long as we'd like him to, so don't let Dean keep you up too late."
"I'm ready to hit the sack," Dean said. "I'll show Pastor Jim where everything is, give him the grand tour. If you need help during the night, wake me up. I put the crib in our room."
"Thanks, Dean," Sam said quietly.
"Just a minute," Dean took a few steps over and kissed Johnny on the forehead. " Goodnight, Johnny. Remember, angels are watching over you." He stepped back and cleared his throat. "What are you lookin' at? I couldn't just to let him go to bed without telling him Mom's goodnight. He needs to learn important things like that." Dean smiled up at Sam.
Sam smiled at Dean, happy to see the softer side of Dean. Sam also wanted to make sure that his Mom's goodnight message was passed on. That way, it made his mom feel closer.
Sam laid Johnny in the bassinette near Jo. He covered him with a blanket, rubbed his fuzz-covered head, kissed him and told him exactly what Dean had said. Although Sam would never remember how his Mom used to tuck him in, he found comfort in the fact that Dean did.
He walked silently to the other side of the bed and laid down. When Jo started to wake up, Sam whispered, "It is just me. Johnny was just fed and he's asleep. Do you need anything?"
"Just be close to me," Jo replied," I've depended on you so much--"
"Now we can depend on each other," Sam put an arm around her very loosely. "There is nothing wrong with depending on each other."
" I miss John."
"I miss him, too, Jo. " Sam was silent for a few moments," Tomorrow Bobby is coming, so we will lay Dad to rest the next day. "
"How is Bobby doing?"
"I don't know. I didn't talk to him very long. He'll be staying here tomorrow night, we can see how he is doing then."
"What will he think of you and I sleeping in the same bed?"
"It doesn't really matter what he thinks," Sam said logically. "Do you want me here?"
"Yes," Jo whispered.
They laid in perfect silence. "Do you want to be here?" Jo asked in a wavering voice, and Sam knew she was crying.
"Come here, Jo," Sam reached an arm out and Jo curled up and laid her head on his shoulder. Placed a hand on his chest and let out a sigh. Sam brushed a hand through her hair," It is going to be okay. These days are terribly hard, but they won't always be this way." Sam laid awake longer than Jo. He was staring at the ceiling, wondering if the days would get better. He didn't want to lie to Jo. He hoped he hadn't.
"Sam!" Jo's yell brought him from a sound sleep to the hall, looking for her. Dean was up just as quick and standing in his bedroom doorway.
"Sam!" Jo yelled again from the restroom. Sam waved to Dean and Dean went back to bed.
Sam tried the door and it was unlocked. He opened it a crack and said," What do you need, Jo?"
"Come in here," her voice was strained. Sam stepped in and closed the door.
Jo was standing there, looking panicked. The whole top of her nightgown was soaked. There was something else on her nightgown, too, Sam didn't know what it was.
"I got out of bed too quick. I was sleepy and forgot to move carefully." Jo showed the pain in her face. "Then I got in here and saw what a mess I was."
"We can get you cleaned up," Sam looked at her with his soft eyes. "It is just part of having Johnny. Remember when the nurse told you how messy your milk can be, even when you're not giving it to Johnny?"
"What?" Jo was confused.
"I was in the room with Johnny when she came in," Sam told her. "I know it's shocking to wake up to, but one of Jess's friends who had a baby in college had the same problem. She put a newborn diaper in each side of her bra to avoid sleeping in a puddle again. It's something that just happens, Jo. I'll go grab you a clean nightgown." He stepped toward the door.
"My incision broke open," Jo was still scared. That explained the other stain Sam had seen.
"Do you need to go in?" Sam wasn't sure what to ask or how to access the problem.
"I don't know."
"Can I take a look?" Sam moved slowly toward her and lifted the hem of her nightgown. Jo's face was red. "I'm just looking at your incision, Jo. It's just me."
"I don't know if that helps or makes it worse. I need to know what you think, though." Jo moved her high waistband down so he could see the incision between her hipbones.
"I can't tell if it is infected," Sam studied the series of staples. "It is seeping, though, was it supposed to do that?"
"I don't know."
"I'll get you a clean nightgown and then we'll see what we have for bandages. There's no problem, Jo. I'll be right back."
Dean walked into the bedroom while Sam was rummaging through the dresser. He watched as Sam grabbed a nightgown, bra and diapers. "How's Jo?"
"Embarrassed because of typical after-baby issues. I might need your opinion on her incision, though. Do we still have a good first aid kit in the Impala?" Dean nodded. "Go grab it and put it in your room. I'll get it and you if it looks too bad."
"Sure," Dean headed out.
Sam knocked on the bathroom door. "Here you go," he said. "You'll feel better after you are in clean clothes."
Jo slowly stepped from the bathroom a few minutes later. "I should have been able to handle it myself. I can't believe I didn't listen to the nurses. I just didn't hear them."
"That's because of the pain pills and all the stress you've been under. If it wouldn't have been for Jess's friend getting horrified one night and telling Jess about it, I wouldn't have known."
"Jess told you things like that and you remember them?"
"I always listened to her because I loved her. The topics weren't always at the top of my list, but I think I remember quite a few of them." Sam said as they made their way to the bedroom.
"And you couldn't warn me about this beforehand?"
"I didn't know if it was common knowledge. If I would have known it would have helped you, I would have told you." Sam stepped aside to follow her in the room. "As of right now you have all of my pregnancy and post-pregnancy knowledge."
Jo nodded. She took two pain pills and then carefully laid down.
"Let me see the incision again," Sam turned the bedside lamp on. He pulled up the sheets and then lifted her nightgown up. "It is alright if Dean helps me bandage this?" She shot a look at him. "We patch each other up but most of our cuts aren't this deep."
She nodded her consent.
Sam went in to get Dean and the first aid kit. "I can't tell if it is infected. She's already uncomfortable with me seeing it, so be professional about it."
"What would make me any different from you?" Dean wanted to know.
"You wanted to date her." Sam said as he picked up the kit.
"Hey, Jo," Dean said quietly. "Can I take a look?"
She nodded her head, and then turned it to the side and stared at the wall.
Dean lifted her gown and saw the staples. "What happened to plain stitches?" he seemed surprised to see them there. He touched the sides of the incision and Jo flinched. "Sorry," he looked closer at it. "It feels warm," Dean said. "That implies infection. The red color could be from healing or infection. Sam, I think we should bandage Jo up and then bring her in when she wants to go."
"How does that sound to you, Jo?" Sam touched her hair and she turned to look at him. "We bandage you up and bring you in when you want to go."
"I'm so sleepy," Jo's pain killer had kicked in.
"That's fine. You get some sleep," Sam looked at Dean and motioned for the first aid kit. "This is going to hurt a little, but I'll be as quick and gentle as I can."
Dean took out the peroxide and handed it to Sam. Sam took a washcloth and started to disinfect her incision. Jo kept moving because of the pain. So, Sam handed the washcloth to Dean before he knelt by the bed, told Jo it would be over soon, and kept brushing her hair back from her face until Dean was done. After it was all sterile and bandaged, Sam moved her gown back down, drew the covers up and said, "All done, Jo. Just sleep."
As they were putting the first aid kit back together, Johnny started to squirm. Sam scooped him up before he could wake Jo up. "Think Johnny can sleep in the crib after I give him a bottle? Would you wake up if he cried?" Sam asked.
"Of course I'd wake up. I watched over you when you were in infant, you know." Dean was cranky in the middle of the night.
Sam followed him to their bedroom where Pastor Jim was awake. "Our turn to be up with the little blessing?" he asked.
"I need to make a bottle," Sam handed Johnny off to Pastor Jim. "After he's fed, he's all yours."
Sam fed Johnny, and like any newborn, it took awhile. Dean came into the living room," He still chowing down?"
Sam just nodded.
"Hand him over," Dean reached for Johnny. "I'll finish. I know to burp him when he's done."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I love the kid," Dean smirked. "Now you can't say that I don't know any kids."
"Good one, Dean."
As Sam walked down the hall, he heard Dean talking," So you're going to grow up to be a big guy, huh? You sure eat like a champ when we can keep you awake. I like eating, too….."
Sam crawled into bed and curled up by Jo. She was out like a light. Both of them got some quality sleep with Dean and Pastor Jim on Johnny patrol.
Sam woke up when Jo started to stir. "Why is Johnny so quiet?"
"He's rooming with Dean and Pastor Jim tonight," Sam whispered. "How do you feel?"
"Crummy. Didn't you have that bit of post-pregnancy information?"
"I must have missed that part. Johnny ate again, so he's good." Sam didn't know if she remembered they bandaged her up," We cleaned your incision and bandaged it but you should go in sometime later today. Just let me know when you feel up to it."
"I'd rather stay in bed for a week."
"I know," Sam understood completely.
"Thanks Sammy."
"No need to thank me."
"Just don't ever remind me about how I woke a whole house up over something I was already warned about," Jo told him. "I will always deny being a wimp."
"You are many things, Jo, but a wimp isn't one of them."
"Can I move closer like before?"
"Sure," Sam moved so Jo could rest on him.
"Sometimes you remind me of John. Other times you are just the quiet Sammy that I used to know, only I know you better now. Is it weird for me to say you remind me of John?"
"No," Sam was in deep thought. "If you would have said it years ago, I would have laughed. We had more in common later on. We'd had some good talks since he met you. We understood each other. We'd both loved someone with all our heart and lost them. That isn't something many people understand."
"I do," Jo's voice was soft.
"I know you do," Sam's voice was quiet. "I'm sorry I forgot. I just wonder what else my Dad and I would have talked about if we hadn't lost those years."
"From now on, I'll wonder how my life would be if he had lived."
"I thought about that after Jessica died. It crossed my mind everyday." He remembered those first few days. "I slowly healed and started to live again, if you can call hunting living. It just takes time, Jo."
Jo seemed to settle in. "Time for sleep," Sam didn't know if she heard him or not. He wasn't sure if he said it aloud or not.
Pastor Jim and Dean were fluttering around Johnny when Sam woke up. Dean was holding a diaper open with a confused face as he looked from the shape of the new one to the one on Johnny. For a minute he was stumped, he couldn't remember seeing his Dad change Sam. Pastor Jim wasn't being much help, either. Sam walked in, changed the diaper and looked at Dean," See? I didn't even give him the chance to spray me."
"I just needed a refresher course," Dean replied. "I wasn't totally lost like Pastor Jim, here."
"Hey," Pastor Jim spoke up. "Are you criticizing my baby abilities?"
Dean stated flatly," Well, yes. I guess I am."
Sam left Dean and Pastor Jim to finish their teasing. It was nice to have a light moment in the house.
In the kitchen, Sam mixed up a bottle. Little Johnny was hungry Sam looked at Johnny and tried to determine who he looked like. He looked like Johnny, his own little person. After all, Sam and Dean didn't look similar to their parents. They had their Dad's determination and their Mom's compassion. They had other traits besides visual that belonged to their parents.
Sam settled into the recliner. Johnny was already tired out. Sam cuddled him close but had to keep moving the bottle to wake him up so he'd continue to suck. When that didn't work anymore, Sam moved to lie on the couch. He drew his knees up and laid Johnny on them. He played with Johnny and tried to wake him up. "Come on, buddy," Sam stroked his cheek," you need to eat before you go back to sleep." Still nothing. Sam loosened his blanket and Johnny started to move around. Sam gave him the bottle back, and Johnny sucked like his life depended on it. "I think Dean and Pastor Jim are a little nutty this morning," he spoke quietly to the baby. "Did you keep them up too long last night?" Johnny kept busy with his bottle.
"Glad to see he's snubbing you, too," Dean walked in. "Now I won't take his silence during our deep conversations last night personally. How did Jo sleep?"
"Still sleeping. She'll need to go in today."
"Pastor Jim and I will be hanging with Johnny then." Dean smiled. "I might have to fight Pastor Jim for Johnny. He's very attached to the kid and doesn't like to give him up easily."
After getting home with Jo, Sam nabbed a sleeping Johnny from Pastor Jim. "I missed him," he confessed.
Jo had some antibiotics and they'd closed the part of the incision that was open. She sat down on the couch and laid a pillow on her lap. "Think I can get a minute with Johnny? I can't pick him up, but I can hold him."
"Sure," he placed Johnny in Jo's waiting arms. She smiled down at Johnny and her face took on a whole new softness.
"Any word from Bobby?" Sam asked Dean.
"Nope." Dean flipped his phone open just in case he'd missed a call. "He'll call when he's closer to town. You know Bobby. He'll find us. Although, he might find the Roadhouse first."
Pastor Jim tapped Sam on the shoulder and motioned with his head over to Jo. When he listened hard, he could hear squeaking coming from Jo. Her head was hanging down and covering her face. Sam sat by her on the couch and moved part of her veil of hair. "What's going on, Jo?"
"Just feeling sorry for myself and Johnny," her voice was quiet.
"Do you need to lie down, Jo? You need to have your rest."
"I don't want to put Johnny down. I feel like I don't pay enough attention to him."
"He can come with," Sam picked him up and settled him into one arm. He extended the other one to Jo. "Let me help you get settled."
Jo laid down. Sam put Johnny down in the middle of the bed and then laid down on the other side.
"I feel like I am being a bad mom," Jo played a little with Johnny. "I don't get to spend much time with him. I have to depend on you and Dean to take care of his basic needs."
"That's fine, Jo," Sam assured her. "He won't even remember this part of his life in the long run. You just need to heal. We have to take care of you, too. Let any of us know if you need anything."
"I want to be independent," Jo explained. "I'm used to being independent."
"You just can't be right now," Sam said. "Trust us with Johnny and let us take care of you, too. We just don't know what you need."
"I need some rest," she shifted around. "But I want to be able to visit with Bobby when he comes."
"Just sleep then," Sam replied. "I'll put Johnny in his bassinette when you're asleep."
"Okay," she sounded sleepy.
Sam didn't get up right away. He played with Johnny until Johnny was asleep. Jo was asleep. Sam listened to their soft breathing. It put him to sleep, too.
Bobby arrived in the afternoon. First thing, he did was hug Dean, ask how he was doing and then told him how sorry he was about his Dad's death.
Dean asked how Bobby was. Bobby's reply was that he'd just concentrated on getting there. He hadn't really thought much about the reason for his roadtrip. But, seeing John's belongings around the room made it real for him.
"Where's Sam?" Bobby asked. "Can I see the baby?"
"Sam, Johnny and Jo are resting right now but we can peek in on them."
Bobby seemed a little taken aback," Is that normal?"
"Here it is," Dean tried to explain. "Dad asked Sam to take care of Jo during out last hunt. Dad knew Sam was sleeping beside her and obviously he was just happy Sam was taking care of her when he couldn't."
Dean opened the bedroom door. Sam and Jo were sound asleep and Johnny was wide awake in the middle. He wasn't making any noise, just looking around. Dean reached over Sam and picked up Johnny. "I'm going to feed him. Bobby wants to see him."
Sam just nodded. "Remember to burp him so he doesn't spit up."
"Will do, Sam," Bobby answered. "I'll be here when you've rested up."
Jo mumbled in her sleep and moved closer to Sam. He lazily tossed an arm over her. They were both asleep before Bobby shut the door.
"He sure is a cutie," Bobby looked down at Johnny.
"We're partial to him," Dean said. "But Pastor Jim is the one you have to look out for. He doesn't share Johnny very well. He tends to hog him."
Bobby laughed. This truly was John's house. It was full of laughter. Just as it should be. The only thing missing was John, one of his best friends, even if he did threaten to shoot him full of buckshot one time. He missed him. He knew that feeling wasn't going to go away very soon.
Sam woke up before Jo. He made sure she was covered up when he got out of bed. He wiped the sleep from his eyes as he closed the door behind him and went into the living room.
Bobby was in the recliner. He had it pushed back and Johnny was resting on his chest as he snored up a storm. Johnny could sleep through almost anything if he could sleep through that.
Dean and Pastor Jim were going over the funeral arrangements in the kitchen. Jo and Ellen belonged to a church in town and Ellen had thought Jo would like to have a short service there. Sam sat down at the table.
Pastor Jim and Dean had picked out what was needed at the funeral home. They didn't want to stress Jo out with all the details. The only people who would be at the service were Jo, Johnny, Dean, Sam, Bobby and Ash.
Jo quietly entered the living room and saw Bobby and Johnny in the chair. She let the sight sink in for a moment because it was such a peaceful picture. A gruff hunter holding a sleeping baby. Not a situation she'd ever picture Bobby in.
Jo went into the kitchen and the guys at the table were quiet. "So," she had a good idea about what they had been talking about," what are the plans for tomorrow?"
"Ellen and I thought you would approve of a short service at your church. I have already arranged for a family plot in the church cemetery," Pastor Jim started explaining how it would go. "I think the boys have already talked to you about wanting a headstone for their Mom next to the one for their Dad. Do you agree with that, Jo?"
"Yes. I know John would like that. They will have separate headstones, though, right?"
"We can figure out the headstones later, but yes, they can have separate headstones." Pastor Jim continued. "We think Ellen, Bobby and Ash will be the only other ones there. Did you want to sing a special song or have a special reading?"
"John and I never talked about any of this," Jo replied.
"Maybe if you just spoke about him and your friendship with him, Pastor Jim," Sam suggested.
"Yeah, and about how much he loved his family," Dean was thinking of how John gave his life to track down what had killed Mary. Then he remembered Jo and Johnny and added, "both of his families."
"Do you want to have his casket open during the service?"
"Yes," Jo was quick to respond. "I want to put some pictures in with him. Ones of our wedding and him and Johnny."
"That's fine."
"I might write a letter to him," Jo said. "I don't know if I am quite up to it but I'd like to get one done."
"Remember that the bond you have with John is still there, Jo," Pastor Jim reached for her hand. "He knows how much you love him and miss him. He'll always be a part of you. A letter in his casket isn't something you have to do. You can talk to him whenever you want. You talk to him the same way you did when he was alive--through your heart."
Jo had started to have some tears, but she seemed to like what Pastor Jim said. Then she asked Sam and Dean if they could leave the two of them alone for a little bit.
Sam and Dean checked on Bobby on their way through the living room. Bobby and the baby were still sound asleep. They went into their bedroom and shut the door.
"With being a hunter, is John going to hell?" Jo started out their conversation with her most pressing question.
"I don't think so," Pastor Jim answered thoughtfully. "What he hunted were evil things. He hunted to save people. Even if he didn't succeed on saving all or any of the people involved, he tried. That is the part that matters. That is what God sees."
"Do you think Mary is mad at me?"
"No, Jo," Pastor Jim explained. "All you did was love him. You didn't try to take his love away from her. It is possible to love two people at once."
"Are Sam and I going to hell?"
"Why do you ask that?"
"Because we sleep in the same bed. We did that when John was still alive on his last hunt. Do you think John knew?"
"Oh, Jo," Pastor Jim whispered," you and Sam have not consummated your relationship, have you?"
"No."
"I thought it would have been very unlikely with your pregnancy and delivery. I never thought that you had." Jo breathed a sigh of relief at Pastor Jim's words. He continued," John knew that Sam was taking good care of you and comforting you. He not only approved of it, he felt secure in knowing that you and the baby would be alright. He knew Sam was sensitive and therefore he would be sensitive to your needs. You don't ever need to worry what John thought about it."
"I have grown to depend on Sam. Is that okay to do?" Jo was confused and needed advice. "I don't want him to feel like he has to be here because John asked him to take care of me. Do you think he feels obligated to stick around?"
"I've known Sam a very long time," Pastor Jim remembered when the three Winchesters showed up on his doorstep many years go. "He never feels obligated to do anything. He does what his heart tells him to."
"How do I let him go when he and Dean go back hunting?"
"You'll find a way, Jo. You can't really plan ahead for that." He thought for a minute. "Keep open lines of communication with Sam and then you'll know what he is thinking. He's not the type to keep information that you are asking about hidden from you."
"What if Sam and I would want to date, a long ways down the road?"
"Make sure that is it love and not just the fear of being alone," Pastor Jim said solemnly.
"How do you know the difference?"
"Love is when you can't live without one specific person. The fear of being alone is when you can't live without someone, but not necessarily the person you are with."
Jo was silent. Pastor Jim still had a hold of her hand. "Are you doing alright, Jo?"
"Yes," she replied. "I've just been so tired. There is so much to do and go through."
"Take you time. Leave anything that is optional to do some other time. Right now, you need to concentrate on you."
Jo gave him a small smile and stood up. She gave Pastor Jim a hug.
"One last thing," Jo stopped on her way to the living room. "What will John be buried in?"
"His usual hunting attire." Pastor Jim answered. "The only other thing he had was a suit."
"Will he still have his stubble?"
"He had stubble on the picture I gave the funeral home. I'll call in the morning to double check everything."
"Thank you, Pastor Jim." Jo saw Bobby and Johnny still asleep as she passed through on her way to take a shower.
Sam closed their door and flopped down on a bunk. Dean was pacing by the dresser for a little while before he said," Sam, what are you doing with Jo?"
"What do you mean?"
"I come home to get you to see Dad in the hospital and you're sleeping with his wife! That isn't something that I expected to see."
"I was just comforting her and taking care of her. Dad knew, so it was fine." Sam got defensive.
"Okay. What are you doing in her bed now?"
"It's been some of the worst days of her life. I'm just trying to help her make it through them."
"What are you going to do when she's back on her feet? Go back to hunting? Be broken hearted because you are sleeping alone again? What?"
"I haven't thought that far ahead."
"Well, you need to. Everything in Jo's life is up in the air right now. We don't know what kind of decisions she will make. She might decide to move back in with her mom. We need to be supportive of her and that's it. It isn't our job to try to save her from what life has dealt her."
"I've not saving her," Sam's voice was quiet. "Sometimes I think I am saving myself. I've needed to be needed and cared for. I've needed the security I had with Jess."
"But needing to be needed and needing to be loved are two different things." Dean shook his head and let out a sigh. "Just remember that while she might cling to you now, after she's feeling more like herself, she will make decisions for Johnny and herself."
Sam just nodded. Dean laid down on the top bunk and was fast asleep. Sam thought he could hear the shower running as he drifted off to dream.
The service and internment went as smoothly as it could go. Jo was frustrated because she still needed to wear maternity clothes. She didn't have anything to dress up in, so she wore one of John's shirts. It seemed fitting and John probably got a kick out of that, watching down on them from heaven.
Jo couldn't carry Johnny, so Ellen did. Sam and Dean stood on each side of Jo in case she needed them. She took an arm from each to help navigate her way in the cemetery. They both kept an eye on her, ready to catch her if she started to faint or get weak. This was the most she'd been up since she got home.
Ellen and Ash came over after the service. Ellen tended to Johnny. Jo excused herself to go rest. Sam went to help her get settled.