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Chapter 26-Soul Searching
Sasha's POV
I opened the front door, the chilly wind attacking me first. Ricky was sitting on the bottom step of the porch. I felt bad about the things I said, but I was tired of her busting my balls over what happened. I had apologized more than once. I didn't know what more to do. I knew I felt something for her, but I couldn't follow those feelings because I had a husband who I loved so much. But when I first saw her in the club, drunk or not, I knew she'd be someone to leave a long impression on me.
"I realized I was gay when I turned seventeen. That's when I fell in love with this girl - Janice. Man, was she incredible. Tall, athletic but feminine, just all around great. I had no idea what to do with a girl when I met her. I was so worried what everyone else would say and think. I was dating this jock at the time. He was great and everything, but it was just something about her I couldn't shake," I took a seat on the top step, listening carefully to Ricky's story, "she changed my whole perspective in life. We were together for two years. For those two years, I kept her and myself a secret. Not a soul knew. I finally came clean to someone who I thought was my best friend. She spread it around the school and it somehow got back to my parents. They were the Ivy League, I'm-better-than-you kind of parents. They kicked me out of the house and took their name off everything they gave me. I was nineteen years old Sasha. Homeless, lonely, and gay. Eveything America looked over. I was just a baby. Living out on the streets, doing whatever I could for a meal and a place to sleep at night. I had - had to turn to fucking sleazy men for money just to get a crappy hotel room for a night. When I couldn't make money, I slept in nasty, dark alleys. I went days without eating. People saw me and turned away. They figured I was just some punk hoodlum causing trouble. I was just a teenager wanting her old life back. Even Janice turned away. She just up and disappeared out of my life. Something I thought was so small changed my life forever," finally Ricky turned her tear stricken face to me. By the end of her story, I was in tears too.
"I'm not trying to change you're life Sasha. I don't want to break up a happy home. I just want someone to love. Someone to love me. For some reason, I wrote you out as the person for that. For the person who needed love. But I can see that you don't and I'm happy for you. I'm sorry caused so much problems for you lately," Ricky finished, standing from the stairs. I grabbed her hand, stopping her.
"You have to understand Ricky. I can't do this. I can't," I repeated, a sob escaping.
"I know Sasha. Just tell me you don't feel anything for me. Tell me you don't want anything from me, and I'll go. I'll leave and you'll never see me again. Tell me that Sash," Ricky begged, pain evident in her voice. Her eyes showed so much sorrow, I wanted to break down for her.
"I can't Ricky, I'm sorry. I love Vince. He gave me something no one else has before. We need each other," I said, letting her hand go. I dropped my head in sadness, tears falling onto the step below me. Ricky's finger touched my chin, lifting my face to hers.
"I understand. Promise you won't forget me," she said, pulling me into a hug. I roped my arms around her neck, taking in her scent of vanilla one last time.
"I won't remember anything else," I whispered, letting tears fall onto her shoulder. With that, she let go and backed off the porch. She made her way to the Focus parked in front of the house. She chanced one last glance over her shoulder at me, then slid in her car and out of my life. I shivered without realising that it had dropped several degrees since I had come outside. I stood from the steps and walked to the door, hearing plenty commotion. They were listening. I pushed the door open, finding the ladies spread out over the living room. Senia was staring at the photos of Dom and the children on the wall, ones I was sure she seen before. Letty was sitting on the couch, flipping through the same import mag from earlier. Lily was sitting in a recliner, playing with her cell phone. Mia, who's face was wet (I'm sure from crying), was picking at her fingernails on the floor. I ignored the looks they gave me and made my way to the den. I picked Desmond up and cradled his sleeping body in my arms. I pulled out my cell phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey baby," I said, trying to control the sobs that threatened to escape.
"What's wrong Sash?" V asked, worry evident in his tone.
"Nothing, just dealing with some things. Hurry home okay, we need to work some things out."
"But baby I thought we were doing good. What's going on Sasha?"
"I need to find myself Vince. I need you here to help me do that. Get our boy and come home V," I said, kissing Desmond on the forehead.
"Is D ok? How 'bout the other girls? Sasha, is everything okay?" it broke my heart to keep this from V. But it was just something that needed to be explained in person.
"V, they are fine. Desmond is fine. Just get home okay. I got to go now," I said, feeling the tears coming back. "I love you Vincent. So much."
"I love you too baby. I'll be back as soon as I can," we said our goodbyes and hung up. I flipped my legs onto the couch and laid Desmond on my belly, trying to fall asleep.
"I'm here if you need someone to talk to. You know that," Mia's body stood in the frame of the den. I just nodded with a grunt; a move I learned from Vince.
The next morning...
I woke up the next morning with a headache from Hell. I was still clad in my attire from the night before and I could only imagine what my hair looked like. Looking around the room, I realized that Desmond was no longer present. I began to panic. Though he was known to crawl into some of the weirdest places and not make a peep, I knew he wouldn't have just disappeared. I looked around the room, calling his name. Not hearing anything, I ran from the den into the living room. It was silent, minus the sounds of cartoons coming from upstairs. I jogged two steps at a time, the dress doing me no justice. I tripped, falling onto the top stairs. Smiling, I picked myself up from the floor and made my way to CJ's room. Finding it empty, the panic resurfaced. I heard voices coming from Dom and Letty's room. When I burst threw the door, I let out a deep sigh. Letty and Desmond were sitting in the large bed watching Scooby-Doo on the TV.
"When I got in from taking CJ to school, he was up. I fed him, changed him, and we took a nap. I figured you needed some time to yourself," Letty said, running her hand over Desmond's hair. "I heard you fall too," she smiled, surprising me.
"Someone's in a good mood this morning," I said, walking into the room.
"Dom called and said he and the guys made it to Miami. They haven't made it to Jess yet though," she said, a smile creeping on her face. "They're gonna get him Sasha."
I was suddenly happy. I couldn't wait for them to bring Jesse home. I missed him and Di so much. Hearing that he was dealing with drug problems, I automatically thought about Diana and baby Jessica. How was it effecting them? Were they still together? Was everything still okay with them? Only time would tell. But I was most excited about having the Team back together. Just being with them all made me feel safe and secure. But when Jesse and Di decided to move, those barriers of security were broken down. I wanted Jesse back for more then just the security. I wanted to talk to him personally about his problem. He and I were closer than anyone else in the house, so I knew he'd give me the truth and not just some bullshit. I was counting the moments down until the rest of my family came home.
"So we opening the garage today?"
xxx
Jesse's POV
I winced in pain as I yawned widely. I forgot about the split lip I suffered at the hands of Dingo last night. He spent about twenty minutes making adjustments to my face, stomach, and fingers. Remembering what happened, I slowly looked down at my right hand. I cringed at the sight of my fingers. My middle finger was bent back all the way, the black nail touching the back of my hand. My little finger was twisted out of place. Swallowing deep, I grabbed onto my middle finger. Counting to three in my head, I snapped my broken finger back up, bringing tears to my eyes. A tear fell as I grabbed onto my little finger. With two swift twists, I snapped it back into place.
Glancing around, I noticed that I was in the same room the night after the heroin incident. I got a weird since of deja vu as I stood from the floor and pulled my arm sleeve down once more. Once again, I was held down by Ralph's ass-kissers while he injected me with the deadly drug. I grabbed my cell phone from my pocket and flipped it open. 9:30 am. They shouldn't be up. I slipped out the room, looking down both ends of the hallway. It looked clear. I tiptoed my way to the living room, only to be stopped by the opening of a room door. Shit, Jeremy. I turned quickly and walked the opposite way, only to be stopped by his intimidating voice.
"Hope you're not skippin' out on us," he said from behind me.
"Naw, I was actually going to take my morning piss," I lied, sliding into the bathroom in between his room and mine.
I shut the door behind me, locking it slowly. I sat down on the toilet, pressing my palms up against my forehead. The tears began to fall. There was nothing I could do now. I was stuck. I had about twenty-bucks worth of heroin stemming through my veins and not a way out of this Hell I was in. What I wanted was Dominic and Leon to run through that door, kick some asses, and get me the hell out of here. I knew they wouldn't. Hell, they probably weren't anywhere near Florida. Here I was, thinking Ralph and Jeremy were family. Thinking just because they let me on their team and let me race, life was going to turn out better than before. I was so eager to get out of Dom's and my brother's shadow, I didn't realize what I was getting in to. I wanted to find myself. I NEEDED to find myself. Get yourself together, brother. I wiped my tears and stood from the toilet. Turning around, I remembered my 9mm pistol. I lifted the back-cover of the toilet, happy that my gun was still there. I stuffed in my waistband and slowly put the porcelain top back on. I flushed the toilet and exited the bathroom.
I made it back to my room without any disruptions. I sat in a corner of the dark room, loving nothing more than the loneliness. I brought my knees up to my chest, feeling the tears coming on. Urgently, my phone began to vibrate in my pocket. I took it out and listened to the voicemail.
"Renovation's today. Get them out of the house by 1 pm. Take them down to Juanito's Garage for some races. I had some roads blocked off and a few guys down there to make it look legit. Don't be scared bro, everything's under control. Peace out," Tej's voice played into my ear. I smiled, a little faith coming to me.