Dear Diary

Chapter 5: Happy

Happy are those who dream dreams and are willing to pay the price to make them come true.

Unknown

Dear Diary,

John and I had dinner last night. It was wonderful. We ate at this little café I'd never heard of before. There was soft candlelight and great food. We talked about everything, from his divorce to my problems with my sister, to how I got each of my cats, to how things are working out between Kat and I. We didn't talk as much about him though. I was hoping that if I opened up, he would as well.

I worry sometimes when I see him, if he has second thoughts about us. I feel like I just found true happiness and I really don't want to lose it now. I'm frustrated too. I want to think that he is as committed to this relationship as I am, but I still wonder. I don't want him to allow me close and then pull away again.

John's cautious attitude isn't the only thing I'm frustrated over. My sister is the other source of my irritation. She asked for my forgiveness, but I'm having a hard with that. She knows that what she did was wrong. I even asked if she would forgive me if I had done the same to her. She said no. I really would like to forgive her, but I really don't think I can. John is staying neutral. He understands that it's not easy to forgive and that what she did was wrong. It hurts though, the distance between us, but I can't seem to make myself want to close it.

Christina doesn't help matters, the way she acts around Scotty and the way she always picks the worst times to start an argument, or show up at my house or the precinct. I wish I could just get over it and let it go.

Lilly sighed and closed her notebook and dropped it on her desk. Only she and Scotty were left at the precinct. Kat had a previous engagement and John was having dinner with his daughter. Vera and Jeffries were out tracking down a lead. Lilly was left to deal with Scotty's incessant chatter and strange looks. She got up and made her way to the restroom. She stared at herself in the mirror for a long moment. She studied her image, giving herself a hard glare. She considered the woman staring back. She was strong for the most part and she blocked her heart off most times, so as to keep herself safe from harm. Lilly Rush was as independent person who had just fallen head over heels in love with the most unattainable man, the one that she should stay the farthest away from. There was a good reason he was unattainable, and yet she had managed to garner his attention, not to mention his love. That was a small accomplishment in itself, but she still had her doubts. What if he decided that she wasn't right for him, she was too young. What if he thought he was too old and broke it off? What if she ended up thinking he was too old? She shook herself loose of her thoughts and made her way back out to the office and her desk. She was still slightly preoccupied with her thoughts, so she didn't realize that her notebook wasn't on her desk.

Scotty watched as Lilly left. He coveted his opportunity to snag her notebook, so he could see what she had been hiding. He opened the first page and began to read. The first few entries were mundane, things about cases they had worked and insights about the team, how worried she was about him, and that she knew about his relationship with Christina. It wasn't until he found that entry, a very recent one, did he find what info he was looking for. Scotty glanced around to see if anyone was there besides him. Noting the coast was clear; he photo copied the pertinent pages and replaced the notebook where he had found it.

Lilly went straight home and crashed into bed. She was exhausted not only over their current case, but also because of the emotional wringer she was putting herself through, because of John's insecurities. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

John was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. He was still trying to convince his heart that Lilly was a safe bet. He could tell that she was still worried about him and his cautious nature. He could also tell she was frustrated. She wanted to love him and wanted his love in return, she wanted it whole-heartedly. She wanted him to let go of the past and he just couldn't, not yet anyway.

The next morning, Lilly walked into the office to see a smug Scotty and a very pale Stillman waiting by her desk.

"What's wrong?" She asked before either had a chance to speak.

"I need to speak with you in my office, now." Stillman ordered. Lilly nodded and followed him. Scotty started to join them as well. "That was not an invitation, Detective. You may have the dirt, but I'm still your commanding officer. Go back to work." He said with a deadly calm. As ballsy as it had been to confront Stillman, there was a fine line between a push and a shove. He wisely decided that he had paperwork to do.

"What did I do?" Lilly asked outright.

"Somehow Scotty got your notebook and photo copied some of the pages. They talk about us, and he's threatening to tell IAB unless we back off." Lilly stayed silent for a moment. Stillman could see the anger rising in her eyes.

"This is my fault. I think I left my journal here last night. I couldn't find it this morning. I was distracted when I left. Why is he doing this though? He's changed so much. The old Scotty would never have invaded my privacy, our lives like this." She stated quietly. There was a steely quality to her voice that sent chills down his spine.

"I don't know why, but Scotty is in love with the idea of you and now I'm competition. His motive may be to blackmail me out of the picture. He says that he made several copies, so that we wouldn't be inclined to try and steal them back." Lilly nodded. Suddenly she had a gleam in her eyes, that he was almost afraid to ask about. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking we need to destroy some evidence. If he turns the copies over to IAB, they're going to want to real thing as hard evidence. However if there is no hard evidence, such as the actual notebook the copies were made from, everything is circumstantial. I can claim to have never seen the pages before. Did he show you the copies?"

"No."

"Good then you've never seen them either. I don't sign my entries so there wont be any evidence that they're mine, directly that is."

"That's good thinking, if he put the notebook back."

"Follow my lead and pretend its all going to be okay." Stillman nodded and followed her out. Lilly picked up the notebook on her desk and tucked it into her bag. Jeffries, Miller, and Vera watched from the sidelines, as Lilly got right in Scotty's face.

"I hope you don't think that you're going to win your pathetic little game. I wont back down and I'm prepared to fight tooth and nail for what I have Scotty. Are you?" Only Scotty could hear what she was saying, but the rest of the team saw him go pale. With that she turned and gestured for Miller to follow her out. They had a case to solve. Jeffries decided to talk to their boss right away, leaving Scotty alone in the office. Jeffries shut the door behind them, but Vera spoke first.

"Scotty approached us and gave us copies of the notebook pages. He said to read them and decide if we wanted to back him when he turned you in." Vera trailed off and Jeffries started.

"I think both you and Lilly deserve some happiness and if you found it with each other, even better. He had no right to invade her privacy like that. These are our copies of the pages. He said they are the only other copies." Stillman took them and tucked them into his desk.

"Thank you. Lilly and I appreciate it." Jeffries and Vera nodded and went back to work. They had their own case to solve.

That evening Stillman joined Lilly for a notebook and paper burning dinner and s'more date.

Breakdowns create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.

Unknown