Dear Diary

Chapter 8: Loss

Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size.

Mark Twain

Dear Diary,

Scotty and I questioned a young girl today about the death of her parents. I hope that she remembers more so that we can solve this case and give her some peace of mind; so that she can know her family's killer is behind bars. Things have gone back to the way they were before with Scotty. We've finally reached that comfortable place again. I'm happy for that and I recently found out that he bought a ring to give to my sister.

My mother is getting worse. She's dying and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. I don't know what to do. I hate that feeling of helplessness. Christina helps. She spends time with mom during the day and I spend my evenings with her. We both can tell she's getting weaker. How do you tell someone that you love them and you don't want them to leave you when they've given up? I wonder all the time now it seems. I even asked John. He doesn't answer but to pull me close and let me snuggle into his arms. It makes me feel better but it doesn't completely ease the ache in my chest. I'm losing her and I need more time to make repairs between us. I want her to see that Christina and I are finally mending our relationship. I want her too see Christina get married and finally settle down. I want her to see that despite my previous attitude, I want and need her in my life, but I don't know how. That's the hard part….

Lilly set aside her notebook for what felt like the fiftieth time in an hour. Writing wasn't helping her the way that it usually did. It was normally a release; a place where she could purge all her thoughts and feelings but for some reason it just wasn't working. John was staying late to catch up on some paperwork and Ellen was asleep on the couch. Every few minutes during the evening Lilly got up to check on her. She was breathing but Lilly could tell she was starting to struggle. She debated with herself silently as she paced her dark house, wondering if she should just tell her mom it was ok to let go. The problem was, she wasn't ready to let go. Finally Lilly made herself go to bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

Morning came too soon, but Lilly jumped up almost immediately when the alarm went off. She had dreamed that her mother had passed in the night calling for her and she hadn't been able to get to her in time. Ellen was still breathing and was more or less awake when she peaked over the top of the couch.

"Morning Mom." Lilly whispered softly so as not to startle her mother.

"Morning Lilly." Ellen answered just as quietly.

"Want so coffee?"

"Sure baby." Lilly entered the kitchen and started the coffee. She showered and dressed while it was brewing. She left her house, making sure her mother had every thing she needed. Scotty called her on the way to the precinct and asked her to meet him at the hospital. She would have to do without her fix of Lieutenant Stillman until they were done.

The girl, Kim Jacobi, remembered a few more details about the day that her family was murdered. She remembered hearing her parents argue about internet chats, things she never did or talked about online, things she was blamed for that she didn't do. She remembered the rose taped to her locker and the phone call from Romeo that night while her parents yelled. She remembered her brother's friend being at the house. That led them back to the precinct where they could question the boy. The boy told them about the gun and how Kim had been the one to get it out. When she finally had a moment to herself, Lilly went to sit with the John in his office.

"Hey, how are you holding up?" He asked as soon as she sat down.

"I don't know. If I concentrate on mom right now, I can't work because I'm worrying. If I concentrate on work, I feel heartless because my mom is dying and I'm not worrying about her. My mind can't pick one or the other to focus on." She answered.

"Do you want a few days off to spend with your mom? Scotty and Kat can handle the case if you want to take the time."

"No. I need to work." She really wanted to climb into his lap and let him shelter her from everything but it was an inappropriate venue as they were in his office and it was all glass. She settled for his presence alone to soothe her tattered nerves.

Lilly went home a little early so that she could check on her mom. John had called her on her way home to let her know he would be by later. She checked her mom as soon as she walked in the door, barely remembering to shut it behind her. Ellen was still breathing and seemed to be sleeping.

"You know I remember you reading the 'Velveteen Rabbit' to me. It was always my favorite. I would beg you to read it over and over again. It didn't matter how many times though, I was always so happy that the bunny kept checking on the little boy and how he became real. You always made the story come alive mom." She said softly, holding onto her mother's hand. That was how John found her several hours later. Ellen was gone and Lilly was still kneeling by the couch. He called the ambulance and took care of all the little details. Lilly seemed almost catatonic during the whole process. She held onto him for dear life but she was still holding everything inside. John held her all night, but when morning came she was lucid enough to tell him to go to work, when he would have stayed with her.

"I can stay with you. I want to stay with you, if you'll let me." He stated firmly from his seat at her kitchen table.

"I know that, but I need a little time to grieve and I would prefer to do that alone." She answered.

"As you wish." That small comment almost brought a smile to her lips. He was very much her Wesley. " I'll be back by tonight." She nodded, and then she was alone in her house and with her thoughts. The other detectives asked about her and naturally Scotty went by to check on her at lunchtime, like any good friend would do. She had most of her day alone and even Christina didn't put up a fight when Lilly asked her to leave alone for a little while. It was Scotty however who gave her what she needed most.

"Lil, you alright? You left the door unlocked." He asked as he came in.

"No. She's gone Scotty. Last night. I just need a little time." She answered.

"Ok. But if you need anything, just call me and say 'hey' and I'll be there." She nodded as he turned and made his way out. He knew Lilly would be ok. She had Stillman to look after her, a sister to fight with and her best friend to be there when she needed him most. She would be just fine, it just take time.

When she finally did come back to work the next day, it seemed almost as if the case had taken off and left her behind. Lilly caught up on the major details and was leaving the minor ones until she had another moment. Right then though, she was going to talk to Kim one more time. But it seemed as though all hell broke loose in the span of a few short moments.

Lilly stared in shock as Lt. Stillman, her John, leaned against the door to the office. He was bleeding from the shoulder but the look on his face told her it was as bad as it seemed. He subtly shook his head at her, to warn her not to react. Lilly tried to placate the young therapist who was now holding Kim hostage. He was her stalker and he claimed to love her, but he knew deep down that it was all a charade and that Kim had rejected him the first time, and was about to do it again. That was what made him so dangerous. He led Lilly and Kim into the waiting room behind interrogation so that they wouldn't be seen by the police trying to get in. Lilly had gone willingly. The therapist demanded a helicopter and Lilly made the call…to Scotty.

"I want a helicopter on the roof and a clear route to it." She said into the phone.

"Lilly where are you?" Scotty asked.

"Where you cant see us. Now do as I say." She ordered.

"Shit! In Viewing?"

"Hey! Did you hear me? Hey!"

"You want us to come in anyway? Jesus Lil'! Alright, we're coming in."

"What did they say?" The therapist demanded as he held Kim close.

"Your helicopter will be on the roof in 10 minutes." She answered calmly and maneuvered closer to the wall where the mirror was. The next events were a blur. Suddenly Scotty was in the room. Kim was safe and the therapist was dead, but Lilly could feel this awful burning in her chest as she slid down the wall. Then she was in the ambulance with John, on the way to the hospital. She could feel him holding her hand as her vision slowly started to fade. Then there was nothing but blackness.

John paced outside the ER while the other detectives waited in the hall. He kept glancing around, looking for the doctors that had taken Lilly into surgery but they were scarily absent. All he could do was pace and wait and pace some more. He even prayed, something that as of late had become foreign to him. However Lilly always seemed to bring out the best in him and that included the need for divine intervention. For now though, all he could do was wait and pace some more.

If we are marked to die, we are enough to do our country loss; and if to live, the fewer men, the greater share of honor.

William Shakespeare