The Lost Letters of Gandalf

(Before Mr. Green Tights)

Dear Elf-Boy,

About that thing I forgot...

I remember now. It was my previous encounter with two odd characters. Not with Mr. Green Tights, I'd never laid eyes, or a nose, on him before. This deals with another wizard, a real cheap-scape. Merlin. Yes, that little pip-squeak that hangs around that Arthur fellow. Actually, I was very surprised to find he hadn't been killed yet... so many enemies he's accumulated. Oh well... The fact is I ran into him. Well, I didn't run into him... actually I was sitting. And I was roasting my potatoes – that was my lunch you see. Okay, let me start at the beginning...

I was riding my horse (I hadn't fallen off it at that point) when I passed by a very lovely lake. It was so pretty I just had to stop and stare at it for awhile. The waters were very peaceful, calm and blue. It reminded me of you, only you're not full of fish. (No, I'm not implying your pretty – but that you're calm and peaceful – stupid elf; I can't believe I had to explain that...)

Staring at the lake, my stomach growled at me. Actually, it also shook the earth and accidentally caused some little Volcano to erupt over some small city called Pompeii. (Stupid Men built a city under a volcano, I'm beginning to think the world are full of those type of people.) Anyway, I was hungry. So I asked myself, where better to eat lunch than next to this lovely lake? Besides, if I had waited any longer to feed my grumbling stomach, it probably would have opened a crack in the earth and swallowed up the lake, and me along with it.

I tied my horse to a near by rock, spread out a Grey blanket, and frowned. Out of the corner of my eye was the hilt of a sword sticking out of a rock.

I said, 'That is very odd place to put a sword.'

After telling my stomach that if it shook the earth again I wouldn't feed it for another two hundred years, I walked over to the rock and touched the hilt. The hilt didn't move an inch. I frowned.

When Gandalf the Grey touched something, it moved.

I said, 'That is very VERY odd.'

I grabbed the hilt and pulled with all my strength, wrinkling my nose for good measure. The sword popped out with a hissing sound.

What had looked like a lovely blade, I was surprised to find, turned out to be a steaming, mutilated, metal stick wishing it was a blade. I frowned, what a waste of time.

Turning back to my picnic, I sneezed. Flames shot out of my nose and created a small little fire right beside my blanket. Searching through my pack I got out some potatoes, which I had 'borrowed' from some Hobbits. Looking at the metal stick with the sword hilt, I smiled. A great idea came to me, as only great ideas can.

I stuck the potatoes on the metal stick, stuck them over the fire, and proceeded to roast them as one roasted marshmallows. Maybe the metal stick wasn't as useless as I had originally thought.

Anyway, there I sat, roasting my potatoes when the ground suddenly shook. At first I began to scold my stomach, but then I gasped as the lake waters streamed upward in a spectacular show of spraying liquids and sparkling light. Amidst these streaming waters was a very beautiful woman decked in blue. Upon closer examination, she WAS blue. Her gown and hair was flowing water and she was made out of that which was the sky. Her eyes shined like two little stars. The Lady of the Lake.

I held out my new roasting stick and asked very politely, 'Potato?'

The Lady looked at the stick then back to me in disbelief, like it was the stupidest question she had ever heard. I was insulted, it was a very sensible question, considering she lived in a lake and probably the only thing she got to eat was fish. And let me tell you, Elf-Boy, you can get really tired of fish really fast.

She said in a voice like music, 'Oh Merlin! Finally you have come to reclaim the sword, Excalibur, from the stone.'

The name Merlin rang a bell, but Excalibur? I looked at the stone wear my roasting stick had once sat. Then I looked back at my roasting stick.

I said, holding up my roasting stick, 'You mean this?'

The Lady gasped, 'Excalibur! What have you done to it!'

I looked at my roaster, 'Looks more like a 'Pathetic' to me, but you can call it whatever you like.'

The Lady shouted, ' "Pathetic?" That is Excalibur! You destroyed Excalibur!'

I said, 'Oh, I did? Sorry about that, but it was kind of stuck in a rock...'

The Lady shook her head, 'Stupid Man.'

I gasped in outrage, 'Man? MAN! I am a wizard, thank you very much!'

I was so infuriated, I wrinkled my nose. The Lady and her lake disappeared in a great flash. Probably sent to some far off continent, or maybe even another planet. Let's just say I was very grateful I was not the Lady of the Lake that day.

I said, 'Dang. I really have got to start going to those Nasal Help Groups. That's the third time this week!'

Sitting down, I quickly ate three potatoes and added two new ones to my new roaster. Suddenly the bushes rustled off in the distance. I wrinkled my nose, but not for magical purposes. I smelled the sent of a lame wizard, Merlin! Merlin, always the chatter box, marched out of the bushes, robes swinging with his wild and unsteady pace. Following behind him was a younger fellow with a crown of gold. I thought this was very odd, considering the race of Men had no king, then I saw who he was. King Arthur from the court of Camelot! Merlin marched in my direction, then spotted the lake. Well, now more of a bone dry pit, but anyway...

Merlin cried in terror, 'The lake! The lake!'

The poor man looked so depressed I held out my roaster, 'Potato?'

Merlin whacked my potatoes with the back side of his hand, sending them into the dust. My stomach lurked and shook the ground, annoyed. I patted it and muttered, 'I know he's rude, but he's a Man, remember?' I would never call Merlin a wizard.

The potatoes flew into my hand with a wink of my eye, and I dusted them off with my beard. I offered one to the king, 'Potato?'

King Arthur shook his head, 'No, but thank you for asking.' I shrugged and popped another one into my mouth. As I munched on my potato I said - spewing potato bits as Gimili spews lugies, 'Needs butter.'

Merlin, never paying attention to me, cried, 'What has happened to the lake!'

I swallowed the potato in one big gulp and piped up, 'Sorry, but that was me.'

Merlin looked at me in shock, 'But what happened to the Lady of the Lake?'

I scratched the back of my head, 'Oh, that was kind of me, too.'

Merlin whirled around in horror, 'What!'

I shrugged, 'I didn't mean to, it just sort of happened.'

Merlin exclaimed, 'Oh, so you just happened to aim some gun at her and shoot her full of lead?'

I blinked, 'Gun? What is a gun? I used my nose.'

King Arthur brightened up, 'You used your nose? That's totally awesome!'

I nodded, 'Yes, I don't use guns. Gun, sounds like a sissy weapon to me. Let me guess, they're made by the elves?'

Arthur's eyes widened, ignoring my other question, 'You're an even greater wizard than Merlin! Pray tell, what is thy name?'

I blinked, 'Oh me? I'm Gandalf the Grey. Notice all the Grey...'

Merlin interrupted, 'Oh, who cares what his name is! Come, Arthur! Excalibur awaits!'

I pointed to my roaster just as Merlin spotted the empty rock, 'Oh, that would be this. It kind of broke.'

Merlin's eyes popped open. Arthur, not caring one bit, stood off to the side and watched with interest as Merlin went into another fit.

Merlin gasped, 'You broke it!'

I sighed, 'Well, technically I didn't break it... considering it was stuck in a rock...'

Merlin exclaimed, grabbing Excalibur from my hand, 'It was supposed to be in a rock!'

Then he began to sob. Arthur whispered in my ear, 'Sorry about him, he's a bit pathetic.'

I nodded, 'Kind of like his sword there.'

Merlin sobbed louder, he blew his nose on his beard. I winced, 'Is he always like this?'

Arthur shrugged, 'Don't know myself, he just started following me around one day. Put a crown on my head and turned me into a king. I didn't want to be a king, you know. I just wanted to be a Pig-Boy, but no... Merlin wouldn't hear of Arthur the Pig-Boy...'

I scratched my beard and was so busy thinking I wrinkled my nose. Merlin's hair disappeared.

Merlin put his hands up to his head in shock and amazement. Arthur cried out, 'Righteous!'

I said, 'Oopsy. It's my nasal powers, they have a mind of their own.'

Merlin turned on me, 'How dare you...!'

I informed him, 'Not I, my nose. There's a difference you know.'

Merlin began ranting and raving. King Arthur and I ignored him. I held up a potato to the King, 'Now do you want a potato? I think we'll be here awhile.'

Legolas, what happened after that I am not sure. King Arthur and I spoke of many things, politics, the economy, the velocity of an unladen African Sparrow, why bananas are yellow... I guess I must have dozed off. For when I awoke, both Arthur and Merlin were gone. Anyhow, that was my adventure. After that I jumped back upon my horse, and rode into the forest to fall off my horse and run into Mr. Green Tights.

Well, I must begin on my journey again. For now that I have lost my horse, I have been traveling much slower. I tried to steal a horse, but then these dogs chased me up a tree. Most unpleasant.

Bye! Legolas, may your journeys be less... odd.

Gandalf the Grey. Seriously, you'd think someone would notice all the Grey...

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Poor Gandalf getting chased up a tree... Must I say 'please review' or is that already implied?
Oh yeah! I also welcome Legolas Replies! Here is... well... sort of an example of one I got from one of my friends:

Re: Before Mr. Green Tights
I take offense, as an elf, to that gun comment. You old decreped loser wizard! Ha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah HA! " Why bananas are yellow..." Yer funny... for an old decreped wizard. Very nice... very nice indeed! Keep writing!
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