The Lost Letters of Gandalf
(The Smarty Pants of the World: Monkeys)

Yo ho!

Yo ho!

I have not deciphered the meaning of this phrase, but I have found it useful to use it in every other sentence. It's some sort of pirate code talk. For example Jack would say, 'Yo ho! A pirates life for me!' The latter was very obvious, considering the fact, he is, indeed, a pirate. However, this 'Yo ho!' business is unknown to me. Not even the block-headed elves have something so block-headed in their language.

Anyhow, I am back in Middle earth. Along with my own pirate band. (Yes, they came with their own trumpets.) At the moment I'm taking them to Vertically Gifted John's camp. I doubt he will mind a few recruits, and with their intelligence level, the pirates will fit right in.

However, as much as I despise Jack, I am bringing him along with me on my quest. During the rest of my voyager on the Big Blue, I fought cursed men that turned into mummy like creators in moonlight, and helped solve a Aztec curse. (Which I thought was extremely intelligent of me, considering I have never heard of an Aztec before.) To my surprise, I found Jack to be quite resourceful and brave. He also has this piratey flare which gives him style. The only real downside to Jack is that he's never heard of a soap bar and so the only thing that matches his terrible breath is his serious B.O.

While I am bringing him with me, I doubt I shall ever introduce him to other members of Middle Earth. He would probably get himself killed by insulting someone. Like King Arthur or Merlin, I still have no idea where they went off to.

Anyhow, I will soon begin my quest for the Ring, but now I must tell you of my meeting of the monkey, who is also named Jack. (Hey, I can talk to moths, what makes you think I can't talk to monkeys?)

I said, 'Hello, furry one.'

The monkey replied, 'Beardy, the name's Jack. Monkey Jack.'

I nodded, 'All right then, Monkey Jack, tell me what are you doing on a pirate's ship?'

Monkey Jack said, 'Why wouldn't I be on a pirate's ship?'

I shrugged, 'Well, pirates usually have parrots. It's a universal trade mark, you know.'

Monkey Jack gasped as thought thinking over it for the first time, 'Pirates shouldn't have monkeys?'

I frowned and stroked my beard, 'I've never met a monkey before, so I couldn't tell you.'

Pondering on this a while, I continued, 'Actually, I've never even met a parrot.'

Captain Jack walked up behind me, he asked, 'What are you doing, old man?'

I replied, annoyed, 'Yo ho! What does it look like I'm doing, little boy. Yo!I am talking to the monkey. Ho!'

Captain Jack blinked then asked, 'Really? What's he saying?'

Monkey Jack asked, 'What's with the big hairy human that needs a decent haircut?'

I whispered, 'That's what I would like to know...'

I said to Captain Jack, 'The monkey says you are quite... er... charming... Yo ho...'

Monkey Jack slapped his forehead, 'More like giant dope...'

Captain Jack, ever ignorant to that of monkey ways, said, 'Tell the monkey, 'Thank you.'

I turned to Monkey Jack, 'Dummy, here, agrees with you.'

Monkey Jack thought over this for a while, 'Amazing, usually humans I insult go into denial.'

I thought over this a moment, 'Sort of like an Elf I know...'

Monkey Jack frowned, 'Elf? Aren't those the little dudes that work for Santa?'

I blinked, 'Santa?'

We both shook our heads, 'Never mind...'

Captain Jack frowned suddenly and demanded, 'What's its name?'

I blinked, 'First of all, it's not an "it". It's a monkey, and his name is Jack - Monkey Jack.'

Captain Jack screamed, 'Mate! That's Barbossa's psycho monkey sidekick!'

I tugged my beard thoughtfully, 'You don't say...'

Captain Jack grabbed the monkey and tried to throw him overboard. But Monkey Jack, being the monkey he was, bit Captain Jack's fingers and pooped on his pants. Then he ran off and disappeared under a crack in the floor. Jack is conviced the monkey's plotting our destruction, or something around those lines... I think that pirate had gotten a little more than too much sun...

Sadly, Monkey Jack could not come with me on my journey. It was nice to have finally met someone of my intelligence for a change, even if was was a psycho monkey. I've always found this sort of odd, considering humans evolved from monkeys. More like devolved...

Well, Elf-Boy...

I must be moving on. Jack, the human Jack, is craving a 'drink'. Which I have learned is more like a few giant gulps. Those giant gulps that make you burp one of those burps that tell you what you've eaten for the past few days. Then the pirate usually passes out and starts snoring something dreadful. It's enough to put any bar man out of business! So, I must move on - so he doesn't double back into town and grab a 'small drink.'

Hope you're having fun without me...

Which is probably impossible, considering we wizards are the Party Animals of Middle Earth.

Gandalf the Grey

P.S. The reason the pirates came with me to Middle Earth was another nose accident. One moment I'm quite mad at Jack, then here we all are back in Middle Earth. I only hope I have not harmed Middle Earth by bringing these pirates into the lands. Oh yes, and Legolas... who is this one called... Santa?

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This Letter was kind of a set up for what happens next – which means you people are stuck in suspense! Haha! I'll tell you this much, though. The next Letter has to do with lumpy heads. (You'll never guess it!)

Hey, thanks for all the suggestions!
Eventually I'm going to do a whole series of Sci-Fi based Letters. STAR WARS, STAR TREK, Lost in Space, maybe even a bit of Planet of the Apes... Or I could just skip directly to Spaceballs and cover the whole thing! (Don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you.)

Well, keep the Reviews coming, and any other suggestions are welcomed!
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