The Lost Letters of Gandalf

(The Funky Fellowship, In Case that Stupid Legolas/Gimli gets Them all Killed)

Dear Legolas,

During my travels with Jack, I have finally come to the conclusion of Santa. He is a big, fat, man with a beard who runs the North Pole. If I knew where the North Pole was, perhaps I'd go visit him. Jack suggested we bring milk and cookies as an offering of goodwill and peace. A formidable combination.

Also, unfortunately I have also run into a few difficulties. For one, now Galadriel is traveling with us, though not by her own free will. Let me explain, but first... Jack is, how should I put this, he is not very educated. We went through the Elven forest and met Galadriel. She and Jack... er... didn't really hit it off. It went somewhat like this...

Galadriel said in mild, but joyful surprise (Or at least as joyful as she could get, considering she's an elf. Elves are all party poopers. If it weren't for their pointy ears, they would never be considered 'cool'.) , 'Gandalf the Grey, we were told you were lost in Moria. I'm so glad you are alive.'

I though for a moment, 'Oh yes, Moria... That big, flaming thing. Yeah, it was very annoying. But, of course, I am a wizard and so it was only a minor task to defeat it.'

As an afterthought I continued, 'Except for the part when I fell down the pit, that totally tangled my beard... took hours for it to comb out.'

Galadriel didn't answer, but instead turned to Jack, 'And who is...'

Jack smiled at her, 'Good-day love, mighty nice tree you got here. A bit breezy though... You must have a terrible time with loggers.'

Galadriel's eyes flashed, she echoed, 'Love?'

Jack shrugged, 'If you don't like that, love, I could call you sweetheart... or pumpkin! I love pumpkins, especially when they're in pies. Do you like pies?'

Galadriel turned to me, 'And this is...?'

Jack interrupted, 'I knew a Eunuch once, I think he liked pies... Actually, I never asked him myself, really...'

I told Galadriel, 'This is Jack Sparrow...'

Jack interjected, 'Captain Jack Sparrow!'

I continued, 'Yes, this is Captain Jack Sparrow, one of my new traveling companions.'

Galadriel wrinkled her nose, probably because Jack was breathing in her direction, 'Indeed? Is he part of the... Fellowship?'

I said promptly in a whisper, 'Him? Part of the Fellowship? Are you gone mad, elf!'

Jack piped up, 'Fellowship? Not a Eunuch fellowship I hope...'

I tried desperately to explain to Galadriel before she kicked us out, 'He's a pirate, kind of mad really... I've found if you tune out what he says he's actually a quite pleasant fellow...'

Jack went on, 'You know what, pumpkin? Wait! Wait wait! How about doll? You look sort of like a doll, only one of those half-priced ones whose heads are sort of lumpy...'

I spoke louder, trying to cover his voice, 'Yes, he's good with the sword and likes... er... drinks...'

Jack said quickly, 'I like weddings, too.'

I continued frantically, 'Anyway, he's more like one of those quirky side-kicks... The kind that, you know, that act a bit quirky... it's the heat – went to his head...'

Jack continued, 'As I was saying, doll... I had this great plan, see? It involved tooth picks... and sausage, lots of sausage...'

I said, 'Um... yeah, he sort of just started following me around... I have absolute no idea where he came from... Never met him in my entire life...!'

Jack stated, 'You can never have enough sausage...'

I went on, 'So, as you can imagine, I loathed to bring him here... but he's a... he's a free spirit, really... and so... um...' At this point in time Galadriel began to actually start looking like a half-priced doll, her face flamed red with anger. She'd put a tomato to shame.

Jack continued, 'So you stick the sausages on the toothpicks, savvy? And put them on a platter, not a turkey platter, doll, but a sausage platter...'

By this time I was writing up my own funeral.

Jack began to speak again so I wrinkled my nose out of desperation. I was hoping to transport Jack back to the Caribbean – I had dared not do so before, because, while I may be a great wizard, my control over the decisions of my nose are far from great.

To my horror, Galadriel disappeared with a puff of smoke.

Jack went on, 'And so you put the sausages of the sausage platter, but you poison 'em first, see? Doll? Doll?... Oh, well anyway, so they're poisoned and...'

I was in shock, 'Oh my beardy! I killed Galadriel, the Lady of the Wood!'

Jack continued, 'So when the bad guys, these Orc fellows, eat the sausages they start to foam at the mouth, like those walruses with rabbis. And then...'

A sound came from our feet, 'Ribbit!' An outraged looking frog hopped at our feet.

Jack looked down and picked it up, 'Well, this is a half-priced frog it I ever saw one... Good heavens!' Jack dropped the frog, while I thought, how odd would it be for a frog to be in the middle of the woods in a tree... if possible, my bread went whiter. Unless the frog was...

Jack said quite plainly, 'Well, now you've done it, Gandalf! You've gone right up and turned Doll, here, into a horny toad.'

I said, 'Oopsy.'

I bent down and told Galadriel, 'I was aiming for the pirate.'

Galadriel said, 'Croak!'

I stood up and scratched my head. Someone would certainly notice that Galadriel had turned into a toad.

Especially her boy-friend, Lord Celeborn.

I gasped, 'Lord Celeborn! He'll kill us if he finds out we turned Galadriel into a toad!'

Jack said, annoyed, 'We? Hey, you got me into this, savvy? And besides that, mate, she's a horny toad.'

I paced, making sure not to step on the Lady of the Wood. If I used my nose again, I might turn Jack into a toad. I doubted Galadriel would care for his company.

A voice shouted, 'Ahh! Wizard Gandalf!'

I gasped, 'Lord Celebron!'

Jack sighed, 'You know, I'm beginning to think all elves are Eunuchs... it's the only explanation...'

Jack picked up Galadriel and stuck her in his pocket, 'In you go, doll. Or should I call you toady, or maybe froggy? Hey, what about Frogger!'

Lord Celeborn seemed to float up to us. Jack whispered, 'He isn't one of those cursed dead ones, is he?'

I turned to him and whispered, 'Silence, you insane pirate, keep your tongue in your mouth where it belongs and maybe we shall keep our heads.'

As an afterthought I added with conviction, 'Yo ho!'

Celebron said, 'Gandalf, I'm so glad to see you in good health. We were told you had fallen in Moria.'

I echoed, 'Fallen? Well, more or less around those lines.'

Celebron looked around, 'But where is the Lady Galadriel? Was she not here to greet you?'

Jack said, 'Yes, charming elf really... She sort of went...'

I burst out, 'She went away!'

Celebron blinked at my out burst, 'Away?'

I confirmed, 'Away... hey, you know what! We need to be getting away, also! It was so nice to see you again, but you know... can't spare one second! Got to destroy that Evil Ring of Power! Bye!'

I dragged Jack along with me, and we exited the forest as fast as we could.

Jack reminded me, 'Mate, this Galadriel Lady's still in my pocket...'

I said, 'I know!'

Jack went on, 'And she's still a toad...'

I said, 'I know!'

And that is how the Lady of the Horny Toads joined us on our quest to help destroy the Ring of Power.

Gandalf the Worried, Grey

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Oh come on, I know you all wanted to see Galadriel get turned into a toad!
This was about the most hilarious Letter I think I've written yet... I just can't wait for you guys to meet the Frenchguy whose actually Spanish... (Oh course I'm not going to tell you who he is!)

mrsblonde1503: Alien vs. Predator vs. Gandalf... that should be fun...
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