The Lost Letters of Gandalf

Galadriel, Lady of the Horny Toads

Dear Legolas,

Poor Galadriel is still traveling with us. (And, I might add, there are two more as well) I have not yet found a means of communication with her, so I have no idea how she is. And let me tell you, not knowing how one of the most powerful Elven Witches of all time feels is a bit concerning. Jack is still traveling with me, unfortunately. It is his fault all of this happened, wizards are too perfect to allow such occurrences. The most amusing part is, I believe Galadriel understands this. I'll explain a bit later.

Because Galadriel is a toad, it has been quite odd trying to figure out what to feed her. Elves are veggies, but frogs eat flies. To solve this, we simply let Galadriel out at night and let her feed on her own.

At night, strange things seem to happen to us. Well, more accurately, to Jack Sparrow. (Captain Jack Sparrow, as he constantly reminds me...) He now has a new haircut - during one night all his hair disappeared. Along with that, most of his 'effects' as he calls them, vanished as well. In other words, his sword, the compass that doesn't point North, and other odds and ins. I believe Galadriel is to blame, but if she does indeed still have control over her powers, why has she chosen to remain as a toad, and a horny toad no less? Perhaps she is simply keeping an eye on us... Sometimes I think Galadriel is in more control over the situations than we are, which is rather lame considering she is a toad after all.

Anyway, after we left the Elven Forest we tracked the footsteps of Frodo the best we could. I had given up on my search to find information on the Ring, at the rate I've been traveling – I'll be lucky to catch up with you guys. Watch for us in a year or two.

Well, as we traveled through the valleys we stumbled across none other than King Arthur and Merlin!

I said, 'Hello, again. Sorry, but I don't have any potatoes.'

Jack whispered eyeing them, 'More Eunuchs?'

Galadriel rolled her eyes and croaked softly. I told her, 'I know exactly how you feel.'

Merlin gasped when he saw us, 'Oh! For goodness sake, not you again!'

King Arthur nodded to me and said, 'He still hasn't gotten over Excalibur.'

Jack echoed, 'Excalibur?'

Galadriel shouted, 'Ribbit! Croak! Ribbit!'

Merlin blinked, 'Gandalf, is that a horny toad riding on your shoulder?'

I shrugged, 'Actually it's Galadriel, the Elven Witch, but I guess technically she's a horny toad.'

Jack nodded, 'He did it, not me, savvy?'

Merlin wrinkled his nose, 'And who is this stinky fellow? Some sewer rat, no doubt.'

Arthur sighed and said quickly, 'Forgive my companion, he is not himself.'

Jack frowned slightly, and took off his hat. Quite ceremonially, he placed it on the balding Merlin's head.

Jack told him, 'So your brain doesn't catch cold.'

Merlin hissed and pulled off the hat, 'It's probably full of lice! Ugh! And you would consider me rift-raft, Gandalf the Grey. I propose you look closer at your own, before you start judging me!'

Jack placed his hands on Merlin's shoulders, 'Mate, I've got no hair...'

Galadriel croaked in agreement.

Jack continued, 'No hair, that equals no lice, savvy?'

Suddenly, Jack backed away from Merlin, like he was some disease.

Jack asked, 'You're not a Eunuch, are you?'

Arthur blinked, 'What's a Eunuch?'

I sighed, 'It's a castrated man; or a man whose testes have not developed.'

This ended with an awkward silence.

Arthur blinked, 'I didn't need to know that...'

I blinked, 'What are you looking at me for, I'm a wizard. My brain is twice the size of your's. If you don't want to know, why do you ask? For it is obvious I would know the answer.'

Merlin sighed, 'All right, oh Great Wizard, why are you following us?'

I stroked my beard, 'Great Wizard... I like the sound of that...'

Jack spoke up, 'We're saving the world, mates. Destroying the Ring of Power.'

Merlin nodded and winked at Arthur, 'Right... The Ring of Power... I'm sooo scared! Ohh! Hold me!'

Jack gasped, 'I knew it! He is a Eunuch!'

Galadriel croaked, 'Ribbit, croaky, croak!'

Merlin nodded, 'Quite right.'

I blinked, 'You speak toad?'

Merlin shrugged, 'You speak to Moths and Monkeys, why can't I speak to toads?'

Arthur said, 'As king, I must protect my people any way possible! We shall come and help you destroy this threat.'

Merlin turned to Arthur, 'We will?'

Arthur confirmed, 'We will!'

Galadriel croaked.

Merlin said, 'She says: "Well, if that stupid elf Legolas gets himself and the others killed, then at least I and the Funky Fellowship will be there." One question, who's Legolas?'

I turned to face Galadriel and said with a surprising surge of loyalty, 'He's not that stupid.'

Galadriel croaked again. I shrugged.

'It's Gimli I worry about.'

Arthur whispered to Jack, 'What's a Gimli?'

Jack rolled his eyes at Arthur, 'Clearly you've never been to Singapore.'

Merlin piped up, 'I think it's some kind of Elven Gum Ball.'

Jack looked thoughtful for a moment, 'I wonder if it's Pumpkin flavor. I like pumpkins, do you like pumpkins? And of course there's that great mystery of the universe, do Eunuchs like pumpkins?'

I sighed, 'Jack Sparrow... Captain Jack Sparrow, I think you're going a bit overboard with this Eunuch business.'

Jack smiled, 'Ahh, you think I'm going a bit overboard, but I could be...'

Merlin hit Jack over the head.

Galadriel croaked her approval.

I looked at the unconscious, drooling Jack laying in the grass.

I said, nodding, 'All right, then, you guys are in.'

That is how Merlin and King Arthur joined us on our quest. Funky Fellowship indeed.

Gandalf the Grey

P.S. Now that I have Mister Annoying on my tail, that would be Merlin, Legolas, I know I will soon be going white. At least my hair, anyway.

?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?
Will Jack ever discover if eunuchs like pumpkins?

Will we ever truly know just what a Gimli is?

Find out in the next Lost Letters of Gandalf! enter dramatic music and gongs

Okay people, what'd you think? Well... I can't read your mind – review and tell me!

crazyrabidfangurl thanks for all the lovely reviews! You win a gold star! Six feet tall! Don't worry about trying to fit it in your room – I've arranged for it to be plastered to your roof.

mrsblonde1503 I would LOVE to see that when you're done! Send me a copy!
?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?