The Lost Letters of Gandalf

Dead Men Tell No Tales! (Whomever said this is a big, fat liar!)

Legolas,

I believe I am going through some sort of reunion of the people I mostly disliked throughout my life. I have run into Merlin and King Arthur, and now they are following us. And now I've just run into someone I killed already!

But first, let us say my adventures now lie within stopping Merlin from killing Jack, or tackling someone before they step on Galadriel. With the skill I am showing, I believe I may have a future in Football. I'm afraid my opinion of Merlin has also changed. (But only a little bit!) He has become a bit handy, actually. He did keep the remains of Excalibur which he gave to me because they were, in his own words, 'Utterly, tremendously depressing, and I do mean depressing!' So now I have my roaster back, I am much pleased.

Now for the reunion part of my tale. As the five of us (Captain Jack Sparrow, Merlin, King Arthur, Galadriel and myself) continued on our quest to help destroy the Ring of Power, I ran into someone I did not quite expect.

Sitting in the middle of the road, a man laid stretched out starring at the sky.

We were riding on horses (Yes, I had fallen off mine, but we had... um... acquired new ones.) and the brambles were too thick for us to steer our animals off the road. I believe one road belongs to one man as much as the next, but laying in the middle of the road?

I dismounted my horse and walked over to the man. He stared up at the sky unblinkingly. At first I thought him dead, but when I prodded him with my roaster he grunted, and it does not take a wizard to know that dead men do not grunt.

I said, 'Pardon me, but what are you doing laying in the middle of the road?'

The man answered, 'I'm starring up at the sky.'

Galadriel, who rode on my shoulder, heaved a croaking sigh.

I nodded, 'Yes, but why are you laying in the middle of the road starring up at the sky?'

The man answered, 'I'm looking for shapes in the clouds.'

By this time, Jack had already dismounted and had come to stand by me. Jack looked up.

Jack said, 'There are no clouds.'

The man answered, 'I know.'

Now I was confused, 'How can you be laying in the middle of the road, starring up at the sky and looking for shapes in the clouds, when there are no clouds!'

The man replied, 'Hey, I just lay here, okay? So just, like back off!'

The man looked me in the face and I gasped.

I shouted, 'Oh my beardy! It's Mr. Green Tights!'

Jack frowned and hissed in my ear, 'He wears tights? Must be a Eunuch!'

Mr. Green Tights frowned, 'Oh yes... that was what you called me. Now, my real name is Robin...'

I stared down at his tights, 'Oh, I see, so now you're Mr. Slightly-Blue-With-A-Tinge-Of-Purple Tights.'

Jack thought over this a moment and declared, 'Nice name, kind of catchy.'

The former Mr. Green Tights said angrily, 'My name is Robin Hood!'

Jack frowned, 'But I like Mr. Slightly-Blue-With-A-Tinge-Of-Purple Tights.'

He-Whose-Name-Is-Undecided exclaimed, 'Fine then! But you can call my Swabtop, for short.'

I shouted, 'Enough!'

Jack frowned, 'Wouldn't it be Sbwatop?'

Swabtop glared at him, 'Well, that doesn't make any sense, now does it?'

I turned on Swabtop, 'I killed you, you were dead!'

Swabtop shook his head, 'No, I only smelled dead. Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and everyday was as long as a life age of the Earth... But it was no the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done.'

Arthur blinked, 'What task?'

Swabtop shrugged, 'I don't know, why do you think I'm laying in the middle of the road, starring up at the sky and looking for shapes in the clouds?'

Galadriel turned to me and suddenly began to croak. I turned towards Merlin.

I asked, 'Translation please?'

Merlin stuck his nose up in the air, and loftily brushed back his cape, 'Oh, so now the Great Wizard needs me...'

King Arthur sighed, 'Urgh! She said, "Gandalf, did you not die while fighting the Balrog of Morgoth on the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm? Should you not be Gandalf the White? Yet, you still wear the garb of Grey! Gandalf, cast off thy cloak and reveal thy truth!" Um... I don't know about you guys, but I have no idea what she's talking about.'

Swabtop blinked and said mildly, 'You speak to toads? I thought I was the only one who could do that.'

I cried, 'Can everyone speak to toads, but me?'

Jack patted me on the shoulder, 'It's okay, mate. I can't speak to toads either.'

I groaned, 'Jack, I was referring to those who matter.'

Jack hissed, 'Your just jealous, because you're a Eunuch, and I'm not!'

Arthur continued, 'I mean, come on! Who says "Thy" anymore?'

Galadriel croaked angrily.

Arthur began to speak again, but Jack quickly covered his mouth.

Jack said, 'Mate, don't anger the frog, savvy?' Jack pointed to his bald head.

Arthur nodded, 'Oh, right, I forgot about that...'

I said, 'To answer your question, Galadriel, I am in a "In Between" stage.'

Galadriel croaked, 'Ribbit?'

I chuckled slightly, 'It's kind of embarrassing, I'm in the...'

I looked around and leaned close to Galadriel's ear, 'I'm in the Mustard Yellow stage, just don't tell anyone.'

I straightened suddenly and said, 'Anyway, can you please move off the road, Swabtop?'

Swabtop crossed his arms, and replied, 'You can't make me!'

Arthur cried, 'But I must save my people from the threat of the Ring of Power!'

Swabtop sat up, 'What Ring of Power?'

I sighed, 'A very evil Ring made of gold that we must destroy in the fires of Mount Doom!'

Arthur turned to me, 'Mount Doom! You never said we had to go any where named Mount Doom!'

Jack thought over this a moment, 'Mount Doom, that's catchy name, too.'

Swabtop jumped to his feet, 'By golly, I shall join you! Ever since you turned my Merry Men against me I haven't had a decent adventure yet! Oh, but is there any possibility I could steal the Ring of Power from the rich and give it to the poor?'

Merlin groaned, 'For heaven's sake, look what you've done Gandalf! Now we have a half-crazed Cloud Watcher tagging along!'

I sighed, 'Well, it is the "Funky Fellowship of the Ring In Case that Stupid Legolas/Gimli Gets them all Killed." We might as well live up to our name.'

Swabtop leaned towards Jack, 'What's a Gimli?'

Jack answered, 'It's a Pumpkin Flavored Elven Gum Ball... But don't spread it around, Gandalf would kill for information like this.'

Swabtop nodded, 'Ahhh, highly classified... Strictly on a need to know basis.'

And with that, we, including Swabtop - who calls himself Robin Hood, continued our journey to help destroy the Ring of Power in the fires of Mount Doom. (Oh, and I've found we must refrain from speaking Doom in front of King Arthur, he's very sensitive about these things. Instead, we call it Mount Lolly Pop.)

Gandalf the Grey (Actually, I'm Mustard Yellow, but remember I never said that!)

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Well, now you people know where Swabtop comes from...

WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS TELL ME I WAS MISSING A CHAPTER, YOU UNRELIABLE HOOLIGANS!

For those of you who I new to these Letters, I accidentally left this Letter out and I got to Letter 13 before I realized I messed up... yeah... As you can see I'm very organized and on top of things...
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