The Lost Letters of Gandalf

What an Ent REALLY is

Elf-Boy,

I am proud to say I have not have any 'nose' accidents for a while. Usually I get into a heap load of trouble everyday because of my nose, now it's because of my silly traveling companions. Swabtop, for example, he constantly challenges my authority! Let me tell you about it.

I declared the next morning, 'Rise and Shine Sleepy Heads, we're leaving in ten minutes!'

Swabtop bolted to his feet, 'Hey! Who died and made you leader?'

I blinked, surprised.

I finally retorted, 'No one died, I killed them. You, actually, and besides if I was not leader, who would be?'

I pointed to the straggly half-asleep Company that dragged themselves out of their beds.

I said, 'Would the Arrogant Merlin lead you? He cares nothing, but of things that go to his own glory! Or what of King Arthur, wetting his pants at the mere mention of a name! You? You don't even know where we're going! And Galadriel, well... she's a toad! And Jack Sparrow...'

Swabtop raised his hand, 'I see your point, old man. Now let us be off, Mount Lolly Pop beckons.'

Jack managed to pull himself away from his pillow to say, 'Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain... snore!'

We mounted our horses and rode towards Mount Lolly Pop with a good speed. I was quite surprised, considering we had to stop and retrace our steps every time Merlin went tumbling from his steed, Strider. (As you can see, Aragorn has never been far from my mind.) As we went on, Swabtop challenged me again!

We were riding across the open plains when I raised my hand, signaling to stop. Merlin gasped in outrage.

He exclaimed, 'But I have not yet fallen off... Whoa!... Ouch... Little help, here?'

Swabtop demanded, 'What ails you, Gandalf?'

I frowned, 'What ails me? Why should you think something ails me? I simply think we need to turn left.'

Arthur frowned, 'Left? But Mount Lolly Pop is straight ahead, towards that great plume of deathly, fiery smoke which is most certainly destroying the ozone layer, and for that Saurman should be blamed. I'd even bet my bottom dollar that guy has an SUV!'

I shook my head, 'We are not going to Mount Lolly Pop.'

Merlin, untangling himself from his saddle, said, 'We aren't?'

I frowned, 'First we need to visit a friend in Fangorn Forest.'

I would have left it with that stylish flare but Arthur then gave a little scream. Sounding like you, Elf-Boy, a sissy girl.

King Arthur gasped, 'Fangorn Forest! Fang-orn!'

I gulped, 'Oh, sorry, slip of the tongue... I meant Molar-orn Forest.'

Arthur gave a sigh of relief, 'Oh, for a moment there you gave me a scare, Gandalf.'

Swabtop demanded, 'Why are we going to Fang- I mean, Molar-orn Forest?'

I replied, 'I must speak to Treebeard. And besides, my nose – it tells me so.'

Arthur gave a cry, 'Treebeard! Tree-beard...! Oh, my bad... Treebeard's okay.'

Swabtop blinked, 'Your nose tells you? You're kidding me, right?'

I didn't even bother to answer that question.

Jack said, 'Mate, don't doubt The Nose. It knows, this Nose. The Nose is All-Powerful!'

Swabtop frowned, 'Okay... Who's Treebeard.'

I smiled, 'It's more of a question of what Treebeard is, not who.'

Swabtop sighed, 'Fine then, what is Treebeard?'

I declared, 'He is an Ent!' And with that I rode towards the setting sun.

Swabtop blinked, 'An Ent? What's an Ent?'

As Jack rode past him, he whispered, 'It's a fancy name for a Eunuch, mate.'

Now we are heading towards Molar-orn Forest. I guess we won't be meeting up with you as I had originally planed.

Gandalf the Super-Nosed Grey

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Will Gandalf and the Funky Fellowship ever meet up with Legolas? Or will their stupidity get them killed beforehand?

Sorry it's a short Letter - the next one shall be longer... or, at least it will be more pointless.
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