Part 2 – What the Future Holds

Head duties became very difficult for Lily Evans as she worked side-by-side with James and constantly tried to ignore him and the fact that he was always with Mary when he wasn't with her and the prefects or the other Marauders. She tried her best, but slowly her grades began to slip despite how hard she studied.

She couldn't seem to find any way to stop the inevitable, so she somehow became very attached to Sirius and Elle so much that she spent every waking hour with at least one of them when she wasn't acting as Head Girl. They comforted her, even Sirius, which still continued to amaze and shock her despite how it pleased her. She didn't think she'd be able to handle it all without them.

She did her best to be nicer to James as he asked her to, but she barely said anything to him to actually be able to be nice. She was too depressed about what could never be that she didn't pay very much attention to what was actually happening and what could be.

But eventually came a day when she had to spend all her time with James and it was driving her crazy. The NEWTs were steadily growing closer, and Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall asked them to go to Hogsmeade together to buy everything needed for the Graduation Party.

Lily really didn't want to go—she kept trying to make up excuses of why she couldn't go, but she finally succumbed to what she knew she had to do despite the fact that she was afraid of doing so. Elle helped prepare her to keep her from growing nervous at being alone for a whole day with her crush.

They spent most of the time shopping silently, but, when they finally went to a more lively place at lunchtime, they did their best to spark a conversation that interested both and that both could follow easily without growing weary or upset. But they were failing at that miserably.

She watched as James got up to fetch their Butterbeers and sighed regretfully, knowing that it could never be after so much had happened. When he returned, she tried again to start a conversation that would actually last. "Thank you," she said apprehensively as she took her mug from his hands, their fingers barely brushing against one another, causing her to shiver.

"You're welcome," he replied in a small voice.

"Thanks for paying as well. You really didn't have to do that."

"My pleasure. It's the least I can do."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, the school is paying for everything else. It wouldn't be right to make you pay for lunch."

"Why not?" she asked, confused.

"It's called chivalry, Evans, haven't you heard of it before?"

"Don't get bitter with me, Potter."

"I'm sorry," he responded easily.

That infuriated her even more. "Don't apologize all the time!" she exclaimed angrily. "Not everything you do is so horrible that you have to say you're sorry."

"Then, what's the point of yelling at me?"

"I didn't yell at you," corrected Lily. "I spoke loudly."

"Close enough," he reasoned.

She shrugged, not trying to figure out his logic. Suddenly uncomfortable, she said, "Let's go," standing up after having only a couple sips of her Butterbeer and not touching her meal. "I'm not hungry anymore."

"We've only been here for ten minutes," he complained. "You haven't eaten anything. We need sustenance for the rest of the day."

"I don't want to eat. Stop trying to make me do things I don't want to do!"

"When have I ever tried to force you to do things?"

She scowled back at him. "Oh, gee, Potter, I'll let you think about that for a little while. It's not it's really that difficult to figure out."

"I already apologized for that!" he yelled as he, too, ascended to his feet. "I said I was sorry. What more do you want me to do?"

"I want you to leave me the hell alone!"

"What?" he snapped in confusion, his voice lowering again. "I barely even talk to you. You see my best friend more than I do, so I don't think you really get to talk that much on the matter of me leaving you alone."

"Get the hell out of my head!" she screamed at him before storming out of the Three Broomsticks and leaving him behind. When he made it out behind her, she was already at the top of the rolling hill at the center of Hogsmeade. She just wanted to get away from him as soon as possible, not caring that she still had half the day to work on planning the end of the year celebration or that he would be left to do the work alone. She didn't want to be anywhere near him.

"So how are Lupin and Pettigrew? I haven't seen them since the funeral five years ago," said Lily as she took a sip of her coffee. "Are they well?"

He hesitated before responding, "Peter's fine. I considered having him as the best man at the wedding, but I don't think it would be fair to Sirius."

"And Remus?"

"He's… away. I haven't seen him in a long time."

"Away? Where did he go?"

"Prison, actually."

"What?!" she exclaimed in surprise. "How? What could he have possibly done to necessitate incarceration?"

"Do you remember the leak in the Order five years ago? It was someone close to us Marauders, and, well, it turned out to be one of the Marauders. That's why Sirius died. It was because of Remus Lupin."

"What? How can that be? He never would have done that."

"Things've changed since then, Evans. The Remus Lupin I know has been gone for a long time. Of all the Marauders, I suspected him—not because I wanted to but because it was the only logical explanation. Well, I guess I was right after all."

She nodded sorrowfully. "I suppose you're right. I just don't want to think about it like that. I might not have been very close with him, but he was still a good friend in times of need."

James didn't say anything.

"Have you gone to see him since he was put in there?" she asked him hopefully.

He shook his head, and she knew that it would be a very painful thing for him to do after everything that had been caused by Remus's betrayal.

"You should see him."

"I don't want to see him."

"Why not?"

"He's a traitor, don't you get it? Just because he was a best friend of mine a long time ago—he's not the same person anymore. Sure, he had things that would contribute to his weakness, but that isn't any sort of justification for what he did, dammit! He's still a bloody bastard for what he did!"

"Please come with me to see him. I want to see him, and I want you to come with me."

He grumbled but slowly agreed. "I might," he conceded noncommittally.

She smiled lightly. "Good."

It didn't take long for Sirius to discover the truth behind what Lily had told him, though, so she wasn't surprised one day when he came up to her somewhat gleefully and asked, "Lily, do you fancy James now?"

She jumped at the question, afraid of what the question implied about her feelings toward and her relationship with her fellow Head. "I, er… what makes you think that?" she finally got out.

"Oh, come on, Lily," he pushed at her. "You haven't spoken to Mary Atwood since she and James started dating. You two and Elle Hathaway were practically best friends before."

"Practically is different from actually being best friends. We've just grown apart, I suppose."

He snorted at that. "Yeah, because you're jealous."

Lily was infuriated. "I am not,. Merlin, Black, you're just like Elle!" she exclaimed angrily, pushing past.

"Gee, Lily, you must really love me then."

She scowled and walked up the girls' staircase, not frustrated because he knew (he wouldn't say anything about it to James, after all) but because her emotions were so apparent to the world outside her head. She did her best not to say anything to him, but, when he called her, she couldn't resist replying.

"How long?"

"A while."

"That's not a very explanatory explanation, you know."

"Well, maybe a year or so," she expanded before continuing to ascend the stairs.

Sirius moved toward the bottom of the stairs and asked her to come back down to continue the conversation more quietly. When she refused, he continued anyway in a loud voice so that everyone could hear him. "So you did like him when he liked you but you didn't go out with him because… of what exactly?" he inquired.

At the top of the stairs, Lily turned on him and replied, "Because he's who he is. Merlin, Sirius, do you really think that I'd agree to go out with someone who doesn't even seem to heed my feelings or opinions at all? I'm not so easily swayed, even if I already have feelings for the person."

"Why don't you tell him, then?" he asked.

"He doesn't like me anymore if you hadn't noticed. Why would he be dating her if he did?"

Sirius laughed. "You know nothing about men, do you, Lily Evans?"

The halls of Azkaban prison were cold and dank, the feeling that the Dementors left behind, as Lily and James slowly made their way through toward the cell in which their old friend was. A guard and several Dementors walked with them, scaring Lily to the core as images of a sad, lonely girl (herself from five years ago) passed through her head.

She was startled back to reality when they stopped and looked into a cell at the left. With a quick glance at James, she realized that he had his eyes closed, trying his best not to see anything of Remus Lupin, afraid of both what he might do or what he might feel if he ever saw the betrayer again.

Lily placed her small, delicate hand on his shoulder, and he finally opened his eyes to look at her. "It'll be all right," she did her best to assure. "I'm just surprised I got you this far."

He smiled lightly at that, his face almost contorting painfully because of it. "I am, too," he admitted in a hushed voice.

"Come on," she said, nodding toward the cell. "You can do this."

"Why?"

"I just know you can."

"No, I mean, why do you want to do this?"

"Because I want to know for sure. I want to hear him say that he's the leak from so long ago."

"He is!" insisted James furiously.

"I want to hear him say it, though. I won't believe it otherwise."

"Fine," he finally consented, not that she wouldn't have done it without his consent.

Together, they turned to the cell. Inside, almost as thin as the day he was born, was Remus, old friend, supposed traitor, poor and lonely werewolf.

At that, Lily wondered what they did on the full moons. Would they leave him in his cell in anguish? Or would they take him to a place that he could destroy instead of himself more like Dumbledore had done? But, when she saw all the cuts and scars and blood on him, she knew that he did remain in his cell during that time and that they rarely even allowed him medical attention. So many of those wounds would have healed more properly if they had been a little more generous with a wand and the magic that came with it.

"Remus?" called in Lily quietly, almost afraid that, if she spoke too loudly, he would fall and break apart like he was made from dust.

He looked up at her and James, his eyes hesitant to believe they were actually there. "Lily? James?" he asked fearfully.

She nodded, but James just looked away. "How are you?" she asked. Then, realizing, she continued, "Oh, what a stupid question. You look awful."

"I don't feel that bad. This is actually a good day for me. Full moon isn't for another two weeks."

"How do you keep track of time in here?" she asked curiously.

He took a deep breath and said, "I count the time by full moons."

Lily almost cried at that. She wasn't sure how he could even possibly want to count the time that passed. Of all his friends, one was dead and the other two believed him to be a traitor. She wouldn't be able to stand it. Everything he loved and held dear always eluded him. Life obviously didn't like him that much… nor Sirius… nor any of them for that matter.

"I'm so sorry," she said, approaching the bars.

"Why?" he said bitterly. "I got what I deserve, didn't I? I belong in here, don't I?"

"I don't know. Do you? That's what I came here to find out. I find it rather difficult to believe that you would be the leak in the Order."

Remus glanced at James, saying, "some people find it very easy to believe."

And, finally, James looked at him. "Are you saying you aren't the leak?"

"I'm not the leak."

Angrily, James said, "Then, why have the Death Eaters stopped knowing everything about ht Order? Why is no one leaking?"

"How should I know? I've been in here, haven't I, James?"

"Exactly. You haven't been able to tell Voldemort everything."

"The only thing I ever told Voldemort was that he should shove his—"

"I get the picture!" yelled Lily. "Just don't argue. Please."

Both men turned to her,, surprised at her outburst.

"We didn't come here to fight."

James sighed in frustration. "I'm leaving. You can find your way out, Evans." And he left.

"I'm sorry," Remus apologized.

"Why?"

"For making him leave."

She shrugged. "I'm surprised I actually got him to come."

He nodded. "me, too."

"He's getting married, you know."

"Really?"

"To Mary Atwood."

"They haven't broken up? I'm surprised."

Lily shrugged her shoulders again. "I try not to think about it."

He almost smiled. "You still like him. You haven't ever stopped, have you?"

She shook her head. "No, I haven't."

"Why don't you tell him?"

"He's getting married, Remus."

"Why didn't you ever tell him back five years ago?"

"He said that he didn't like me anymore."

"You really don't know anything about him, do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"He still liked you. He was just trying to give you what you wanted."

"I didn't want him to leave me alone. I just wanted him to not be a prat to everyone."

"He wasn't all that bad, you know."

"I do realize that now."

"Please tell him. You'll never know until you try."

"Thank you, Remus."

He slowly approached the edge of the cell and embraced her hand in his. "Lily, thanks for coming here."

"I wish I had been here sooner. I wish I had known. I hadn't seen anyone until maybe two weeks ago. I love you, Remus, and I believe you. It wouldn't have taken me so long if I had known."

With a short silence and a deep breath, he said, "Go get him, Lily. I know you can. Even if I can't be happy, I want you to be in my place, and I w ant James to be happy, even though he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. We both know that being a Marauder meant more than anything to him, so a traitor in the Marauders is so much scarier than just some random Order member. It really cut him so deeply. Sure, he doesn't know for certain it was you, but you know how stubborn he is."

Remus nodded. "Yes, I do. Now go tell him you love him."

She squeezed his hand with a small smile and ran after James, who had probably already left the island.

"Now why am I here?" asked Lily with a groan as Elle forced her down on the bed.

Sirius answered her with a grin, "To convince you to tell Prongs you love him."

"I don't love James Potter. I barely even know him."

"Yes, you do, Lily," insisted Remus. "Maybe not as much as the rest of the Marauders, but you still know him rather well—though obviously not well enough."

Peter nodded vigorously.

Only ten minutes before, Elle and Sirius had mischievously dragged her to the seventh year boys' dormitory, where Remus and Peter were waiting for them. She had immediately known that something was up and she probably wouldn't like it.

"Yes, I do fancy him, but that doesn't I'm in love with him."

"Of course it doesn't mean that, but it's still true," Sirius said, rolling his eyes at her lack of believability.

"You know it's true. You just don't want to accept it," said Remus.

"Why are all of you pressing the matter? Even Remus and Peter! It's unfathomable!" she cried. She took a deep breath to calm herself and adjusted her voice so that she was speaking normally. "Listen, the last time I spoke to him, I yelled at him. I really don't think he'd be happy to be with me. He's smarter than that, I know he is."

"Lily," Peter said quietly.

"Yes?"

"I really don't think he's smarter than that. You have far too much faith in his intelligence. And I really don't think that he even likes Mary Atwood that much."

"Yeah, seriously," said Sirius, laughing slightly at the pun, "he'd dump her in a second if he thought you were open to dating him… or even if we just told him that we don't like her. Sure, he'd be a little cheesed off, but he'd get over and he would dumper, especially since he doesn't even really like her that much."

"Do I really have to tell him?" she asked sadly.

At that, Elle took her hand and kneeled in front of her. "Listen, Lily, you'll never know until you try. If he denies you, you'll always have me. Even if you're miserable, I'll still be here and I'll still love you. You mean so much to me, Lily, so I'm not going to let you be too miserable."

Lily attacked her with a giant hug, afraid to let go and lose her and have the whole world crash down around her. "Thank you, Elle," she murmured in her friend's ear. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

After having caught up with James, Lily was able to return with him to his house in London, where he and Mary lived together. He offered her dinner, saying that Mary was still at work and generally didn't return until around the time he went to bed, and she gratefully accepted, still distantly thinking about what Remus had said that she should do. When dinner was ready, they sat in the kitchen and ate quietly, barely glancing between each other as they had done those many years ago.

Finally, Lily felt the need to question him. "Why can't you believe him?" she asked curiously.

"That he wasn't the leak in the Order?" he said, not looking up at her.

"Yes."

"He's lied before, you know. Why should I believe him now?"

"When he's lied before it was because he was afraid you'd leave him alone. Besides, that was about being a werewolf not a traitor. There's a very large difference, and you know it, James Potter!" she cried at him. "Don't you dare try to say that it's the same thing."

"I know it isn't, but it's the only way I can justify my feelings."

"You're afraid," she said bluntly.

"Of what?"

"Sirius."

He furrowed his brow in utter confusion. "I don't know what you mean."

"I mean that, if you did forgive him, you'd feel that Sirius would never forgive you for it. You're afraid because you don't want to be a horrible person for forgiving a horrible person for doing a horrible thing." She paused before continuing, "But don't you see it? He's not a horrible person. He didn't do it, so how could he be? It wouldn't be wrong of you to forgive him, even though he never did the terrible deed you believe he did. How can you continue to punish him like that?!"

"He did, too, do it! Who else is there to blame for Sirius's death?" he said, his eyes actually growing tears. "Who can I scream at and yell at and hate utterly because of what they did to my best mate? There has to be someone to blame, dammit!"

"Blame Voldemort," she said sadly. "If anyone in the entire world is to blame, it's him. He was the one that uttered the Killing Curse before my very eyes. It's difficult for me to remember, yes, but I know that it was Voldemort that did it."

"Everyone's blaming him for everything these days. Yes, it is his fault, but he didn't do most of this stuff on his own. He's had accomplices… and leaks."

"Yes, but we cannot currently identify that leak, now can we?"

"Who else could it seriously be, Lily? Peter? He's so weak that even I wouldn't choose to convert him to the Dark Arts if I were Voldemort. He'd practically be what really gives Death Eaters a bad name."

"Not necessarily Pettigrew," she reasoned.

"Then, who else? It was someone very close to us. I'm positive it wasn't me and it wasn't Mary. Considering Sirius was murdered, that leaves Remus or Peter. What else were we ever supposed to assume?"

"That's the point, isn't it? You were supposed to assume that, weren't you?"

"I don't follow."

"Yes, you do. You just don't want to admit it, even to yourself. I know for certain that Remus Lupin is no traitor to his friends, so it has to be someone else. He told me to tell you that, despite how angry you are with him, he just wants you to be happy."

"I don't want to hear it," he said, turning completely away from her.

She snapped, "Oh, of course you don't, you coward!"

"What did you call me?" yelled James as he turned back at the word. "A coward, am I?"

"You are if you won't hear the truth. Dammit, James, don't be an imbecile! How can you so easily lose faith in one friend and so easily defend another? You don't make sense. You were always closer to Sirius and Remus than you were to Peter, I know you were. It's so damn stupid!"

"Don't talk to me about stupidity, Evans," he spat at her.

"And what are you implying by that?"

"If anyone here is stupid, it's you."

"Why is that, James?"

"Because, when I tell you I love you, you tell me to go to hell—and yet, three months after that, Sirius comes and tells me that he thinks you like me."

"He what?!" she screamed, angry that she had been betrayed and hadn't even known until five years later. "How dare he! I specifically told him not to breathe a word to you."

"He said that he thought you liked me, not that he knew. So you did have feelings for me?"

"Yes, I did, even when you asked me out."

"Why did you say, 'no'?"

Lily scowled lightly at the question. "Why did you give up on me?"

"Are you saying that, if I had continued, you would have agreed?"

"Yes, I am. Why did you give up on me so easily?"

"Easily?" he laughed. "Those were the hardest days of my life, Evans. The girl I love constantly telling me that she hates my guts and would rather date a giant monster in the lake was rather depressing for me if you hadn't realized."

"You love me?" she asked quietly.

"What?"

"You said you love me."

He watched her carefully in silence, unsure of how to reply to her remark.

"James," she said apprehensively as she neared him, "are you saying that you still care about me?"

"Stay back!" he said as she came too close for comfort. "I-I can't say. I'm getting married in a week, Lily."

"But that doesn't matter if you love me!" she cried frantically. "Oh, Merlin, James, if you love me, it doesn't matter, does it? How could that possibly matter?"

"It does."

"Why?!"

"Because, even if I did love you, you gave up on those feelings years ago, didn't you? How could you date my best friend?"

"You can care about someone and date another person, James. You seem pretty good at doing that, especially when you started dating one of my best friends."

"You yelled at me and told me you hated me."

"I lied!" she screamed at him. "Of course I lied. I was scared. I didn't want to just be some girl you'd dump in a couple weeks. Sure, Elle and Remus and Sirius were slowly convincing me, but it still wasn't enough. I needed you to convince me of that. I needed you, but you failed me. You left me like I didn't mean a damn thing to you. It wasn't easy for me either."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I love you, James!"

"I can't."

Tears welled in her eyes and threatened to spill over the sides as she nodded her head slowly. "I know you can't. I've known for a long time, I think. So many memories have been coming back, though, since I've seen you. I tried to lock that all away after Elle died and after Sirius died. I just didn't want to see any of you, but now I know that, if I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't let any of you go or die or even think about leaving me. I love you—all of you."

"I'm sorry," he stuttered with lament.

"Just tell me you love me before I go," she pleaded. "I just need to hear it once, straight and clear and firm, James. Please say it." And the tears flooded down her cheeks, and her face was now a brilliant red almost as bright as her hair as it contorted with misery.

"I can't."

"Please just say something. Tell me you love me or hate me or something. Anything! Just don't tell me you can't. Because I can't handle that. I need you to say something or do something. Please, dammit!"

In frustration, he finally yelled, "What am I supposed to do? Thank my lucky stars? You can't just come in here, tell me you love me, and expect me to love you back. Sorry to disappoint you, but it doesn't work that way. There are other people that depend on me now. I just can't."

"Stop it!" she sobbed, pushing back away from her food and him and the tabletop. "Stop saying that."

"I can't," he said once more, his voice quiet again but carrying something else: bitterness. "Mary's invited you to the wedding, so I hope you'll be there."

She nodded vigorously as she wiped away her tears. "I will," she said furiously and stormed out of the house.

Thanks for reading more! Please leave me a review. Sorry if anyone's confused. If so, I'll try to help you understand.

Anatui