Okay, for those of you who weren't paying attention earlier...

Swabtop is short for Mr. Slightly Blue with a Tinge of Purple tights. Normaly, this long title would have formed the name: Sbwatop - but the Funky Fellowship decided that didn't make any sense, and so they named him Swabtop.

Basically Swabtop is the reincarnated form of Robin Hood. (Only his tights aren't green anymore.)


The Lost Letters of Gandalf

Sun Glare, Space and Bubbling Action

Dear Little Princeling,

Ahhh... how cute! Legolas, you never told me you were a little princeling! Perhaps if you had worn a crown, or maybe a Name Tag, I probably would have figured it out sooner. I, however, have not been fooling you about my identity in the least! I am Just Plain Gandalf. (Or Gandalf Greyhame, or even Gandalf Stormcrow. Ha! Not even I am named after some stupid plant, Legolas Greenleaf!)

Anyway, I was fully planning on taking the Funky Fellowship of the Ring In Case that Stupid Legolas/Gimli Gets them all Killed to Molar-orn Forest when I remembered something. Trees and Ents never forget. (Which I think is a bit odd considering Trees and Ents have no brains and therefore can never remember.) Suffice it to say, if I brought Merlin, Jack Sparrow and all the others into their mist, I doubt they would ever forgive me.

It's the Elves whom are to blame! Silly Legolas and his little Elven friends. Waking up the trees and teaching them to talk. Bah! Couldn't leave them well alone, now could you? Had to wake them up, now, didn't you?

Oh well, Elves are immortal after all. You had to have some sort of hobby. Anyway, I have decided to forget about Molar-orn forest. My nose may be mad at me, but if is for the best.

I turned to the rest of the Company, 'I have decided we are not going to Molar-orn Forest!'

Swabtop blinked, 'Why?'

I blushed, 'It's called "Appearances", but anyway...'

Jack sat up straighter, 'Oh I see, you didn't want to bring along the famous Captain Jack Sparrow. I understand quite completely, you wouldn't want to put those poor trees into a frizzle all about me coming. Trees are delicate creators, can't put them under too much strain or they fall over. That's when you get to yell, TIMBER!'

I blinked, 'Right... Instead we shall be going to the summit of Barad-Dûr, where the Great Eye watches ceaselessly!'

Arthur frowned, 'Bear-a-Dung? Never mind, I can't say it... Where is this summit?'

I pointed towards the great fiery smoke over Mordor and Mount Doom.

I said, 'Somewhere over there.'

Arthur clapped his hands, 'Yeah! Mount Lolly Pop, here we come!'

Swabtop suddenly said, 'Wait a minute! An eye can't watch ceaselessly.'

I asked annoyed, 'And why not?'

Swabtop said, 'Well, it has to blink, now, doesn't it!'

Murmurs of agreement went through the Funky Fellowship. Even Galadriel gave an agreeing croak.

I sighed, 'Well, this Eye does not blink. Besides this Eye doesn't even have an eye-lid!'

Merlin folded his arms, 'How can an eye not have an eye-lid?'

I paused and thought over this a moment. I hummed and hawed and finally...

I said, 'Well, I guess we'll just have to ask It when we get to Mount Lolly Pop, now won't we?'

At least, I thought we were heading towards Mount Lolly Pop. As we rode through the valley we were attacked by the Ring Wraiths, Black Riders! Somehow the Eye must have heard of us coming to destroy the Ring of Power. (Though I can't blame It, who could miss us, the Funky Fellowship of the Ring In Case that Stupid Legolas/Gimli Gets them all Killed?)

Swabtop demanded, 'Who are these guys!'

I shouted, 'You cannot kill them! Run!'

We jolted forward and Merlin shouted, 'We have not yet even been introduced and already you are speaking of killing them!'

Captain Jack Sparrow said, with the first bit of intelligence all day, 'I think they are Bad Guys.'

Arthur shouted to me, 'Why can't we kill them!'

I yelled, 'Because... They're already dead!'

Arthur blinked, 'That's totally not cool.'

Jack thought over this a moment and said, 'Sounds like my old crew... Maybe if we offered them some pumpkins? Do dead people like pumpkins?'

Merlin shouted at me, 'Do you take me for an invalid, Gandalf!'

At first I did not understand what the cheapskate of a wizard was talking about.

I echoed, 'Invalid? That's very good Merlin! That word's a whole three syllables!'

Merlin growled and ignored my comment, 'Dead people don't ride horses!'

I retorted, 'Dead people also don't wear slightly blue with a tinge of purple tights, either, but I don't hear Swabtop complaining!'

Arthur shouted, 'Gandalf, hand me Excalibur!'

I put my hand protectively over the battered, broken sword in my pack, 'My roaster?'

Arthur commanded, 'Yes! Hand it here!'

I did as he asked and then watched in amazement as the sword began to glow blue. It reminded me of Frodo's Elven sword that also glowed blue when Orcs were near. A slight odor washed over us and I knew King Arthur was performing some kind of magic. (At first I thought it was Enchiladas and Chile Cheese Dogs, but I knew that couldn't be right.) Before I could get a closer look at Arthur's handy work, Arthur gave a Zena like war-cry and sent the sword hurtling towards the Riders.

I gave a said sigh, 'Goodbye, my faithful and most loyal Roaster.'

Then the sword blew up like a nuclear war head and blew up most of the Black Riders with it. Only three were left.

I blinked, 'I didn't know it could do that.'

Merlin mumbled under his breath, 'But you certainly knew how to break it!'

I sighed, 'Will you ever get over that?'

Merlin hissed with conviction, 'Never!'

Jack shouted, 'Hey! I know! We can scare off the Black Dudes with our singing!'

Arthur raised an eyebrow, 'Beg pardon?'

I growled, 'I'm a wizard, not a minstrel!'

But Jack had set his mind to his plan. He forced us to unmount our steeds and then we were told to hold hand and form a circle. In this way we come also perform the Can-Can, and thus scaring off the Riders even more by showing off our hairy man legs.

We all began to do the Can-Can.

Jack said, 'If I have been marooned on an island with you fellows, boy, I would have been able to rope me an army of Sea Turtles.'

Arthur gave me a queer look, but I simple said, 'Watch it Your Highness, you're treading on Galadriel.'

Jack commanded, 'Sing Gandalf!'

I looked back, the Riders were getting nearer, 'Why me?'

Jack just glared at me.

I thought desperately, 'But they're out of hearing range!'

The all shouted, 'JUST SING!'

I growled, 'Fine but don't laugh. I'll sing it softly...'

Gil-galad was an Elven-king.

(Probably one of your dead cousins, Legolas.)

Of him the harpers sadly sing:

(What do you expect, he was an elf – they're not the cheery type.)

the last whose realm was fair and free

(Wizards don't need realms, we're fair and free naturally)

between the Mountains and the Sea.

His sword was long, his lance was keen,

(Got a sword... is it even possible for a lance to be keen?)

his shining helm afar was seen;

(Ouch, Sun glare!)

the countless stars of heaven's field

(We call that Space for short, the space between an Elf's ears! hehehe)

were mirrored in his silver shield.

(I wish I had a silver shield! But someone, not to be mentioned coughLegolascough stole it!)

But long ago he rode away,

(Who can blame him? Elves are so dreadfully depressing.)

and where he dwelleth none can say;

(In other words we lost him, kind of like the Entwives – sad business that is.)

for into darkness fell his star

(Elves have too many stars, Star of Eërendil, the Elven Star...)

in Mordor where the shadows are.

(And an Eye with no eye-lid!)

Swabtop sniffled, 'Oh, Gandalf... That was sooo sad.'

I said, 'Sam, a fat hobbit I know, taught it to me. He learned it from Bilbo Baggins.'

Another sniffle from someone, I couldn't see, my eyes were also full of tears.

The voice said, 'Sniffle Poor, sob, King Gilly-glad! Boo hoo!'

I patted the man on the shoulder, 'It's okay!'

We all sobbed for a moment, until I started to smell rot. I held my nose.

I shouted, 'Whoo! Someone pass the New & Improved (Lighter mist fragrances whole room!) Glade®: Odor Neutralizer Spray! Which, I might add, is also effective against tobacco smoke! (Keep out of reach of children, sorry, that means you too, Legolas.)'

The man said, 'Oh, sorry, that would be me.'

I looked up and to my surprise, I realized I had just embraced a Ring Wraith. Did I dare move? How do you kill someone who's already dead?

Jack also saw the Ring Wraith, (actually Ring Wraiths, there were three of them.) he gasped, 'You're dead!'

Ring Wraith #1 said, 'Yes...'

Ring Wraith #2 added, 'For quite a long time, actually.'

Ring Wraith #3 said aloud, 'It's not a lot of fun, being dead.'

Ring Wraith #1 turned to his partner, 'Quite right, dear chap.'

Ring Wraith #2 nodded, 'Ohh... and our rotting flesh smells soo awful after awhile.'

Ring Wraith #1 sighed, 'Yeah, just try to take a shower when your skin is falling off.'

Ring Wraith #3 nodded in agreement, 'Rotting skin totally clogs the drain. I've tried Drain-o, everything!'

Ring Wraith #2, 'Have you tried Scrubbing Bubbles®, as you've probably guessed, it has Bubbling Action! Very efficient.'

Soon the Ring Wraiths become enwrapped in their unclogging discussion and I found our chance to escape. I motioned to Funky Fellowship and we quietly tip toed through the tall grass of the valley and over a hill.

Jack whispered, 'Friendly, evil Ring Wraiths, weren't they? For Eunuchs, anyway...'

We tip toed faster and soon we heard the outraged cries of the Ring Wraiths behind us.

Ring Wraith #1 exclaimed, 'Where'd that stupid old man with the big nose wander off to?'

Ring Wraith #2 whirled around, 'Yeah, and that guy who kept on asking if I was a Eunuch, where's he?'

I growled in a whisper, 'I don't have a big nose! I'm big-boned.'

Merlin hissed, 'That's all very nice, considering your nose is made out of cartilage.'

I retorted, 'Wizards have naturally big cartilage.'

The Ring Wraiths cried, 'There they are!'

Arthur replied, 'AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! This is totally sooo not cool! - pause – Eat me last!'

Ring Wraith #3 blinked, 'We're not going to eat you, why would we eat you?'

Ring Wraith #2, 'Yeah, you filthy humans...'

I cleared my throat loudly.

Ring Wraith #2 sighed, '...and wizards, probably taste nasty.'

Ring Wraith #1 said, 'I ate a human once... tasted like chicken.'

Ring Wraith #3 thought for a moment, 'I've been dead for some long I've forgotten what chicken tastes like.'

Ring Wraith #2 shrugged, 'I guess we could nibble on the screaming one...'

King Arthur, Lord of Camelot, fainted into Merlin's arms. Merlin rolled his eyes.

He said, annoyed, 'I thought I was the one who was supposed to do that.'

Jack whimpered, 'Are you sure you wouldn't rather eat some sausage?'

I didn't wait any longer. For a several large eagles swooped down and grabbed us.

Jack said after a moment, 'Interesting, giant flying birds of prey...'

Galadriel croaked. Swabtop translated, ' "Where'd these things come from?" '

I smiled and opened my hand to release a moth named Flitter, 'I may not be able speak to Horny Toads, but I can speak to Moths.'

Swabtop looked at me, 'You're telling me, a bunch of moths ordered these eagles to come and save us?'

I shrugged, 'Hey, I'm messenger boy, not a delivery boy.'

Merlin rolled his eyes, 'Idiot Grey wizards...'

I hissed under my breath, 'That's idiot Mustard Yellow wizards, to you!'

Gandalf the Grey (Mustard Yellow!)

P.S. I have discovered the location of Mirkwood. If you start in Rhudaur, in the city of Rivendell, cross through the mountains by way of Old Forest Road, and the cross the great river Anduin, you would enter Rhovanion (also known as Wilderland). Within Rhovanion is the Mirkwood forest. If you are still confused... (and no doubt you are with that little Elven brain...) If you keep going on the Old Forest Road through the forest of Mirkwood and then cross the River Running (I'm guessing an Elf named that river), you would reach Esgaroth, also known as the Mounts of Mirkwood. Follow the River Running a bit North, and you will reach Erebor. (The Lonely Mountain.) However, if you went South on the River Running, you would go into the land of Rhûn, and enter the Sea of Rhûn. Now, if you don't enter the River Running at all, and instead stay on the great river, Anduin, going North, you would find yourself in the Northern Waste, near Mount Gundabad in the mountain range of Ered Mithrin. These are also called the Grey Mountains. (My home away from home.) However, if you went South on the great river Anduin you would pass the Gladden Fields, Dimrill Dale, Dol Guldur, go straight past the Field of Celebrant, go through the Brown Lands, go past the Dead Marshes and Dagorlad (the Battle Plain), then pass through Rauros Lake, Mindalf, Mordor, S. Ithilien, Lebennin, go straight through Harondor (also known as South Gondor) and you would then enter the Bay of Belfalas. Now, let it be known. This little trip on the great river Anduin is a little more over 900 miles, so it's not like a walk in the park. I hope, now, you know where Northern Mirkwood is.

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Personally, I think Gandalf should have looked it up on MapQuest...

So, we've finally met the three Ring Wraiths! And discovered a few things about them that we really didn't want to know. Find out what Gandalf and the Funky Fellowship discover next in Gandalf's next Letter: The Fifth Essential Food Group, and I don't mean sausage!

lupin-sirius-luva: Winne the Pooh... interesting... hehehe

gandalf -dumbledore -obi-wan: Thanks for all the LOVELY reviews! You win a gold star! Sorry, I already gave my six foot star away... but yours comes with a sticky back side so you can stick it on your forehead! Yea!

For those of you who don't know, you win gold stars by reviewing to ALL the chapters. So, do you know what this means?

Legolas's Girl 9: Guess what? You win a gold star, too! But I already gave away my six foot star and the star with the sticky back side... but yours has a pin so you can wear it on your shirt! And if you get skilled enough you can reflect the light off the highly reflective gold surface and BLIND PEOPLE! Yea!

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