The Lost Letters of Gandalf

Hair Care for the Modern Wizard

Dear Legolas,

Dark times are approaching. I have heard of Saruman's hold over the land, but never have actually seen it's presence. It is almost down right wrong, how dare that White Wizard try to hid information from me. We've been friends for like, what? 300 years? Oh my beardy! Has it been 3,021 years already? Well, suffice it to say, Saruman and I have quite a history together. One would think he would value his friends, such as myself, over an Eye without even an eyelid to its name. (Okay, so maybe he has a giant army of darkness and terror... But we wizards have to stick together!) As I was saying, Saruman has crossed to the Dark Side – or should I say Pink Side - and has taken Théoden's mind prisoner.

I announced when I awoke, 'We are going to see the King!'

Merlin rolled out of bed, 'It's...' - looks at his sundial – 'You crazy wizard! It's not yet past five in the morning!'

As I thumped Swabtop and Jack awake I retorted, 'The early bird catches the worm, and besides we don't even have an appointment so we need to be early! I don't want to stand in line!'

Before appearing before a King, it is usually customary to dress up a bit. I had no other clothes other than my Grey, or mustard-yellow, robes, so I decided I would do something with my hair. At first I tried HERBAL ESSENCES INTENSIVE BLENDS (which has a totally touchable organic experience), unfortunately every time I opened the bottle all these -"Yes! Yes! Ohh yes!" girlie, female voices came out, and that sounded very weird when coming from a shower stall with a old man inside, so I decided not to use that. Next, I looked at HEAD AND SHOULDERS. I found this a very odd shampoo, I don't know about you elves – but wizards don't get shoulder hair. Thinking on that, I placed it in my sack for the next time we met. Finally I found something called NEUTROGENA, it was also a NEUTROGENA: BODY WASH – two in one! How could an intelligent wizard like me pass up a bargain like that?

After I had finished washing my hair, I played with the idea of dying it. Jack suggested neon green, but I didn't think it matched with my Grey. I finally chose to get silver highlights. It's all the rage now days according to Swabtop, but I don't suggest you get any Legolas. It may damage your sensitive scalp.

Now that my hair was 'boyishly light' I braided my beard to finish my formal look. As Merlin collapsed laughing and I looked in the mirror, I realized I looked like an Indian Chief wanna-be. Either that, or something out of a My Disney Princess magazine. The fact that my little braided beard was tied of with a pink ribbon did not help the matter.

After examining myself in the mirror, I concluded I wanted to impress King Théoden, not scare him. This being so, I removed my braids and instead tied back my hair elven style.

By this time Merlin, Jack and Swabtop were up and about, shuffling around the corridors and searching for coffee. King Arthur, however, was no where to be found. But we did find some half eat sausages out in the graveyard.

Anyway, I then turned my attention to Jack. One did not wear a hat in the presence of a king. (Even the elves know that!) Now, as you know from my precious letters, Jack doesn't have, how do I put this? He doesn't really have a head of hair. In fact, not even a short stubble has grown since Galadriel got her revenge. Well, we couldn't let a bald Captain appear in front of the King! So, once again, it was up to I, Gandalf the Grey/Mustard-Yellow, to save the day. At first, we attempted to rub Jack's shinny head with charcoal we had gotten. (Actually, finding the charcoal was an adventure in it's self. But, being a wizard, I knew the lay out of many castles and fortresses. It only took my nose and a fly-swatter to locate them. But I shall not go into details...) This didn't really work, but the charcoal was great eye-liner. So, with that being a failure, we cut a sort of circle shape from one of the fur capes we found in a well polished, gold trimmed wardrobe. Then Swabtop, who was already very skilled at mending tights, sowed it together to make a toupee. Merlin slapped it on Jack's head and we stood back to admire the effect. Well, perhaps if the fake fur fabric wasn't pink... So that didn't work either. Finally, we went out side a scooped a bunch of mud into a chamber pot. (A clean chamber pot – don't worry. It's the elves who are stupid, not the wizards.) We also collected twigs, leaves and grass clumps and even found a few pumpkins. Then, once back in the room, we mixed it with the left over charcoal to turn it black. We dumped it on Jack's head. But first we colored the twigs, leaves and grass clumps and pumpkin pieces black with fountain pens. I had always wondered way they were called that – I found out today. Well, we then stuck the colored twigs, leaves and grass clumps and pumpkin pieces in the mud on Jack's head. Well, the mud kept falling off – so Merlin lit Jack's head on fire to make it dry faster. The end effect was utterly dreadfully, but since Jack's hair looked utterly dreadful to begin with, it worked out fine. Except it wouldn't stop smoldering... (Of course, we added a few flowers to it. Smoking twigs, leaves and grass clumps and pumpkin pieces are not very pleasant.)

We started to head forwards the King's chambers, but Jack stopped us.

Jack said, 'What about Merlin? He's bald too.'

Merlin gasped in outrage, 'Bald! How dare you! That's "slightly thinning" to you, buster!'

I added with finality, 'Yo ho!'

Swabtop stepped in, 'Merlin, you put sun screen on your head so you don't burn. Face it, you're bald.'

Merlin paused and thought for a moment, 'It's... lotion!' - pause - 'What? I chap easily.'

Jack folded his arms and gave Merlin THE LOOK.

Merlin folded his arms right back at Jack, 'Fine! So I'm bald. But at least I'm bald with dignity!'

Jack narrowed his eyes, 'Are you saying I'm not dignified?'

Merlin snorted, 'Of course not. I just say "calling everyone you meet a Eunuch" is undignified.'

Jack nodded, 'Oh, okay then.'

Swabtop shook his head, 'He's referring to you, Jack.'

Jack blinked and then shouted, 'I don't call everyone a Eunuch!'

Merlin added, 'You even called me a Eunuch!'

Jack replied, 'I did not call you a Eunuch!'

Merlin cried, 'Did too!'

Jack, 'Did not!'

Merlin, 'Did too!'

Jack, 'Did not!'

Merlin, 'Yes, you did!'

Jack, 'No, I didn't! I'd never! To call you a Eunuch would be an insult to all Eunuchs everywhere! You're beyond Eunuch! You're a... umm... you're a...'

Merlin demanded, 'A-what?'

Jack shouted with conviction, 'A Gimli! You are a Gimli! Savvy?'

Merlin blinked, 'I'm a what?'

But Jack didn't answer. Throwing his head and nose - high in the air, he proceeded to exit the room. Unfortunately, holding his head up in the air impaired his vision so he missed the door and ran into a wall.

I suggested, 'Try your right.'

And that he did. And tripped over a chair and did a face plant.

I sighed, 'Your other right, Jack...'

Swabtop sighed, 'At least his hair didn't fall off.'

Gandalf the Grey – with silver highlights!

?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?
Will Gandalf's meeting with the King be a success? Will Merlin ever convince anyone that he's only "slightly thinning"? Will these Letters ever get a plot?
Find out in... the NEXT ONE! (Insert dramatic music here.)

Hey people, it's my goal to get an insane amount of reviews to match the insanity of this story. What's the best way to get other unsuspecting victims to look at this?

Legolas's Girl 9: Barney... awesome...

?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?